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Old 11-30-2011, 09:40 AM   #1
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Need advice

First and foremost please go easy on me....

This is my situation. I am a 35 year old man and have been dating a 49 year old woman for 4 months. I am not a jealous guy but for some reason this relationship has brought out jealousy like i never experienced and didnt think i was even capable of experiencing (most of it doesnt even have anything to do with her). The early stages of my courtship were very fun, new and exciting. At first we decided to keep things casual, see other people and just have fun. This slowly evolved into a passionate love affair and now we are in a full blown relationship. even though neither of us wanted that...it just happened

A bit about her...she was married for 20+ years and was cheated on by her husband. She divorced him and he is still involved in her life on a limited basis and contributes to a lot of her anxiety. she has a 14 year old son and a lot of emotional baggage which at first was a major red flag but for some reason i put up with it and now it doesnt bother me that much now, although it can sometimes put a damper on our time together.

Anyway, the main issue i am dealing with is her past lovers between the time she separated from her husband and when she met me. Her 20 yrs of marriage and past prior to that dont bother me at all (lets face it shes pretty far from being a virgin), but some information was revealed that has driven me to the point of total obsession. One night she got a bit drunk and told me she had a few one night stands with men at hotels and claims she did this to get over her ex (i asked her she did not voluntarily tell me). after a month of dating her, another guy she was involved with found out i was with her and made it clear to me that he was screwing her for a while (he was jealous of me). she denied it at first but later told me the truth about him and said he was just using her cause she looked good on his arm. Last night her and i got into an argument about something cause she was under a lot of stress and i made a remark about our age difference. she retaliated very aggressively and said i am not the youngest guy she has been with and after i asked her about that she said she dated a few younger men which she regarded as "boy toys". she is a very sincere woman and told me she doesnt see me this way and has much deeper feelings and loves me...i do believe her. her and i are in love and there is no doubt about it and deep down i know i am not being used..trust me on that! in any case, hearing about all this promiscuity prior to meeting me is giving me a lot of anxiety. Normally a womans past is not a problem but hearing about all this and having it thrown in my face is the problem.

Moreover, I idealized our relationship from the getco. I saw myself as unique to her and the guy who was going to "rescue" her from everything shes been through. after our first kiss she started crying and for some reason i got it in my head that i was the first guy she was involved with after her divorce. i am the first real relationship since her divorce, i know that for a fact, so maybe i can take some comfort from that...but knowing she has been with other men and even younger ones is driving me insane now. Granted she was basically in prison for 20 years and changed and became a wife and mother, but deep down shes a party girl and i guess she had a rebirth so to speak after the divorce. still the fact she slept around has me questioning her judgement and morals. if her and i were just in a casual relationship i would not care so much, but i do love her and a lot of deep feelings are on the line now.

ANyway, apologies for the length of this post but i believe it sums everything up perfectly. My future with her is uncertain but the reality is we have the best times together and have a lot in common. i recently spent 7 days with her straight and never wanted to be away from her once. I welcome any advice on how i can possibly cope with this mentally and not get consumed with my thoughts.

 
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Old 11-30-2011, 11:44 AM   #2
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Re: Need advice

4 months is not that long. Perhaps, you found out too much too soon. I think you are just shocked, and it is just too much for you to take in. I think you just need to be patient, these feelings with subside, it is normal to feel how you feel. I suggest, try your best to focus on the time you and her spend together otherwise you will drive yourself crazy and it will interfere with the bond you and her already share. If you continue to let these thoughts consume you, you will soon push her away.

Last edited by IamAandD; 11-30-2011 at 11:45 AM.

 
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:55 PM   #3
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Re: Need advice

Last time you posted you said you like dating drama queens because normal girls are boring. Yet you keep posting to ask about how to deal with this crazy lady's many (many) problems. You can't really have it both ways, Nick. Either stay with the drama queen who has some weird issue every 5 minutes and don't complain about it or else ditch this crazy woman and find yourself someone stable who won't be so filled with drama-drama-drama. Those are your choices. Or break it off and be alone because that's better than having to deal with her antics on a daily basis.

 
Old 11-30-2011, 07:47 PM   #4
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Re: Need advice

I agree, you said before that "normal" relationships are boring to you because you become complacent.

Well, this is certainly not a "normal" relationship! If you don't want normal, you really can't complain that she's not "normal", because she is what you say you want!

If you enjoy drama, this sounds like the perfect woman for you.

 
Old 11-30-2011, 08:11 PM   #5
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Re: Need advice

LOL- yeah i suppose so, but it does come with an enormous amount of internal expense cause as much as i enjoy it it still causes grief. im sure a shrink would have a field day with me

 
Old 11-30-2011, 08:16 PM   #6
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Re: Need advice

It's just that, you should try to make better choices in your life that will lead to the best possible situations for you. You're the only one who will ever have your best interests in mind and staying with someone like her has been nothing but one issue after another after another. Don't you want to be happy and feel good about your life? It surely doesn't seem like she is doing anything positive for you. From all that you've posted about her from the very beginning, she has brought nothing good to the table. Instead she has caused you to distrust yourself which is leading to insecurity and paranoia for you. That's really unhealthy and you really should want something better for yourself.

 
Old 11-30-2011, 08:17 PM   #7
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Re: Need advice

Yeah, people who are addicted to drama love the high highs and hate the low lows...but they still love the part they hate, which makes my head spin. Words like "dependable", "reliable", "secure", etc. make the drama lovers yawn.

I suppose you are always on edge with this woman, which is what you like so much, and why you stay. I bet if she started acting reliable and settled down, you'd get bored and ditch her.

Think about what you want out of life, and if living with uncertainty and jealousy sounds like how you want to live out the next 20 years, then stay with her and enjoy.

 
Old 11-30-2011, 08:19 PM   #8
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Re: Need advice

Its not all bad, seriously. I mean i get an extreme high when I am with her and we have a lot in common, laugh, do things together and always have fun. if she really wasnt bringing anything to the table i wouldve been out of there a long time ago. a lot of what im venting about is my own insecurities and to be honest they have surfaced in past relationships in some form or another

 
Old 12-01-2011, 03:16 PM   #9
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Re: Need advice

For someone who is saying they love extremes and drama, complaining about a girlfriend's past sex life seems awfully hypocritical and puritanical.

My advice? Be patient and get over it.

She had other lovers. So did you. Don't be from the Victorian era. Because it sits really bad coming from you.

 
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