Hi everyone, I have been married for almost 4 years now. My husband's 25 and I am 23. My husband is very controlling from what i wear, etc. and I put up with this for all those years we been together. I have been isolated in our apartment can't hang out with my friends because he gets upset. My life is pretty much work and home now I finally wake up in reality that there are more life outside than being with him. I love him but I'm not in love anymore, I don't want to hurt his feeling. I have tried to talked to him and let him know that it's hurting me every time he gets controlling to me. Choosing who can be my friend, curfew? my God I feel like elementary. I need help, should I leave or stay? I'm really unhappy, even though he is a good provider he gives me everything a girl wants expensive bags,shoes,and clothes but I'm not contented. I just want freedom, Why do i feel guilty, when I think about leaving? is this normal? please i need your opinion ladies.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: studio383 mrsagal (01-06-2012), NeckIssueGuy (12-17-2011)
Before giving up on the marriage maybe try counseling or simply talking it over with him? I've been married 3 1/2 yrs and its been an adjustment for me too. Its not always easy thats for sure. Atleast consider some kind of counseling first.
The answer to that question imo is "it depends". Is he willing to acknowledge he has a control problem? is he willing to try counsellling? is he willing to work on it and change? Have you discussed this with him or do you just conform to keep the peace? control often stems from insecurity, and in his mind, if you have a life outside of him maybe you won't need him at all, maybe you'll find something better, maybe you'll meet someone else etc etc, these are just the type of fears that he may have. But controlling people often drive away the people they love.
You need to sit down with him, tell him how it makes you feel and ask him, will he consent to get help to save the marriage. If he doesn't truly accept that his behaviour is inappropriate and agree to get help, then it may be time to leave because it can get worse.
Hi ladies, this options you gave me. I have try, I talked to him about how i feel and he just say if you don't want how i treat you ''the door is wide open'' now, if you really love a person you wouldn't say anything like that right? his selfish he is happy when he keeps me around, but i'm not happy when i feel like i'm a bird in a cage . its been like this for how many years and just lately I have realized I missed so much in the outside world.
Normally at that age the man isn't going to attempt to change. A lot of times he believes that this is the only way to have a relationship. Of course he is wrong and controlling. Marriage therapy can help but both have to keep an open mind. If your husband won't then he will not change. It doesn't mean he is a bad man, it just means he won't let his control go. By doing this, he ends up letting his marriage go. You need to give him a chance to save the marriage and if he won't change at least you know that you tried. This will be hard for the both of you and hopefully you both will learn from this experience. Life does not end with a divorce.
Tana been married for 3 years and 4 years together, I have been giving him scenario if i leave and he would answer me, that he can find a girl right away once we get divorce and he even said that would be better than me. That's not the answer I want to hear from a husband that actually loves you. Your are right, it's time for the bird to leave the cage that she is now and be free But what is the best way to do it? any option? I don't want to say it face to face i'm leaving because i'm not brave enough and i'm not ready to see his reaction. I'm afraid he might hurt me or stop me from leaving that's a torture. Anyway what do you say I will leave a note and just run away while his at work?
plan your strategy carefully
have a friend help you, make sure you get to a safe place, possibly with family, also talk to a lawyer, get everything you need out of the house before you go, protect yourself
Also if you have a joint bank account or multiple joint bank accounts get the money out of them and close them out b4 he does. And if you have direct deposit with your paychecks...cancel them too. Joint accounts means joint access!! My niece is in a controlling relationship right now and her boyfriend got her to move to Colorado from NY where she does not know anybody! She works and he sits on his controlling butt all day. She cut off ties with friends and family for the 6 months she has been there. I just got in contact with her on Thanksgiving when she appeared on Facebook...LEAVE NOW!!!!!
It does get worse, sometimes turns to physical abuse and then it becomes your fault that "he had to do it" because "you made him do it"...trust me, I know....I am watching me niece go through it now!!!!
Hi I'm not a woman, but any man to be that controlling is gonna be a problem. mental abuse of a young lady is just wrong in so many ways, the abuse will turn physical it wont get better. So he cant trust you wait till you have a issue making curfew or whatnot ....I can just imagine I feel for you save yourself before you are hurt so bad you wont allow yourself to give your Heart to anyone.... That special someone is somewhere waiting for you ...pampering cant buy your happiness.... The wifey and I have been together for over 20 YEARS!!!! trust is not an issue that is what you need young lady I believe your crying out for it and deserve it. I apologize I'm not a lady and interrupted your thread but couldn't help myself. Good luck BE CAREFUL
hi!girl if you wait a little longer you will have to do what i did,i run from my husband.he bacame so controlling that i couldn't even go to the grocery store without him.these kind of people don't change they become worse.he said that the door is opend??????????????try and go he will kill you before he lets you go.i already tried thise he said that i have two solutions i leave him and he never says anything to me or i leave the way he wants me to leave,shortly wake up when he wants go to sleap when he wants,talk to nobody,lately not even going to work.so i told him i chouse to leave him.at thet moment he sent me to the basement loked me there,let me out when he wanted.so girl be careful he will not let you go so easy and if he does leave right now.you will eat little less,will have less clothes,shoes but you will be free.i run with nothing ,i still have nothing but i'm better.i'm not scared any more.maybe now your situation is not that bad but belive me it will be.my marriege was great for 3 years but when i started to tell him that i don't like that much control everything started......
so i just can wish you luck be strong
Hi Natalie, I am lucky I have a friend that offered me to stay when I need it and it is far away from my husband. I'm will be leaving so soon while his at work and I will leave a letter saying all the heartaches he gave me and disappointment. Our marriage was good for a couple of years but it was never the same when I confronted him and I told him I want to be independent. He never let me get my drivers licensed after a year begging him I want to drive.But I am tired and I don't want this relationship anymore because I am very unhappy. Thank you for sharing your story to me Natalie. I am sure it will be hard for me to back on my feet but I am surely be happier. I just need to be strong
The following user gives a hug of support to studio383: nataliagershom (01-05-2012)
hi!!yes you need to be strong.after 5 months since i left my husband i still cry and think sometime maybe i should not leave but when i go back and think that i was crying every day all day,i'm glad that i left.it is true i leave now paycheck to paycheck but i'm so free.be carefull he will not let you leave so easy he will try to find you,so did mine and still does.i'm luky that i'm in a diferent country.that is very good that you have a friend which let you stay there.no regrets we should not leave like slaves,if we don't do what they want ups the relathionship is not good anymore,is thise right??????????that how is when a person loves you.by the way all my problems started when he let me drive,he told me that he regretes that i drive so i don't need him like i used to,that is so selfish.lately he was not letting me to talk to my mom on *****,saing that i spent to much time on the computer and the truth is that i wasn't,maybe if i was lucky 30 min a day,he was telling me to stay next to him all day and learn his job,whent and bought food and back,did not let me even to stay home and cook,just not to be alone.maybe you think your husband is not like that but not yet he will,mine wasn't eather a year ago started.he started to push me lately,to through with everything in me and i know soon was coming hitting ,little he did pulled me by my hair.so i'm telling you do it smart everything will be good.think you leaved few years with him and you can't hendel any more how about the rest of your life.good luck thank you for replying