I have been married for nearly thirty years to the most negative and angry person I have ever met. He wasn't anything like this before we married although if I'm really honest, there were probably signs that he would be this way.
I spent the first few years being hurt by his negativity and moodiness. That changed to acceptance and avoidance, and I tried to make the best of it since I couldn't change the problem. In recent years I have been angry myself with him, but now I just feel so much apathy. I truly don't feel that I love him anymore. He has sucked the joy out of anything having to do with us.
I realize that the response most people would have to this would be to recommend divorce, and I have definitely thought about it. I have to be honest, though. There are so many things that scare me. Financially, we would both be much worse off if we were to divorce. I am not crazy about the idea of starting all over. Our house is paid for, but we have college debt for our son that is looming over us, and we are preparing to give our daughter a wedding next October.
Although our children are grown, it would still crush them if we were to divorce. They both know how hard he is to be around, believe me, but it would still hurt them so much.
I guess I'm just wanting to vent here. Thanks for listening.
The following user gives a hug of support to ljpn: slenderella (12-28-2011)
I'm not recommending divorce. I could have written your post. I am married almost 32 years to a very angry, depressed, pessimistic man. I have also run the gamut of emotions and I agree with you, it sure makes life seem so much harder than it has to be. And now that I've been going through menopause I am not the brightly optimistic woman I used to be, either, and that makes matters worse. It is easy to want to pity ourselves. I also work with my husband so you can just imagine how that plays out, 24/7, lol.
Here's what I know. My husband loves me dearly, and I do love him. I hate that he has this black cloud over his life, and mine, yet I realize that he does not choose to be this way- it's his personal reaction to life: to events that make him feel like a failure, events that frighten him, responsibilities that totally overwhelm him, childhood baggage that he can't shake, body chemistry that was his from the time of his birth. Unfortunately I am just collateral damage. He doesn't mean to hurt me.
There are times where I wonder if life wouldn't be better without him. In many ways I think that getting divorced would be crushing not just for him, but for me too. I think sometimes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I think that I am too young (51) to "tolerate this for the rest of my life". I just lost a parent so I know how quickly life goes by and I want mine to shine. Yet I take the bad with the good, and when I have the eyes to see the good, there is a lot there. Look for the good in your husband and in your marriage. Let's try not to take their moods and attitudes personally. I think they are high maintenance and need MORE love- not less.
Your kids are all grown up and out of the house so you can't really use that as an excuse to continue living your life in complete and total misery. When is it supposed to be YOUR time to live a happy life? How much longer do you want to live in total despair? I think at this point there's really no reason to stay married to someone who does nothing but cause you so much agony. It's torture and all for what? It's not worth it to stay with him any longer.
Your life is not over, you can still start over and maybe find someone who will appreciate you. Even if you don't find someone, being alone is five million times better than what you're living now. I think you need to go see a lawyer and talk about your options. Since he is totally unwilling to do even the bear minimum to keep this marriage civil, you're just wasting your time and your life by staying married to him. I wouldn't wait even another minute, I'd get after it and find a lawyer tomorrow.
I know how hard it is to live with a negative and angry man,i actually just joined this site tonight,because i am really hurt,I know my husband of 11 year's love's me, but 90% of the time he doesent show it,He makes me so angry and hurt,Alway's griping,acusing me of hiding thing's and cheating, not keeping the house clean enough, or being wrong,He believes that he is always right, i have learned not to argue,because it just makes things worse and i dont want to hear it.I know he has had a rough life, but he shouldent treat me the way he does i have always been good to him, one night he handed me a peice of paper and pen and wanted me to sighn my rights to our son over to him,which i actually stood up for myself and said NO.He has 2 other children that he is not able to see and he thinks that i will be the same way,his oldest child has actually begun to be able to come see him,but it hasent seemed to help his mood,infact, he says im not a good enough step mom to him,i try very hard to do things right,i dont understand why he is treating me so bad,he doesent help me clean the house, or take out the trash,he says that that is the womans job, he doent work outside of the home, he is disabled,so i dont understand why he cant help at all, i dont know, he is just a jerk sometimes,i find myself looking at other men wondering if they help their wives any,he is totally helpless,but i feel that i could never leave, i have promised that i wouldent, and i believe that if i did, it wouldent end well, i guess im venting to, thanks for listening
To Slenderella: It's uncanny how similar our situations are right down to us being the same age. Your comment about the grass always being greener really hit home because I don't want to make my situation worse. I guess the major difference is that you still love your husband; I don't feel anything for mine anymore. I had to numb myself to his miserable personality and in the process I have numbed myself to everything. I feel nothing--no physical attraction even. Nothing.
Kszan: I do agree with you that being alone is better than this. Actually, I feel alone already. The only benefit of staying married at this point is more financial stability and continuing to have someone to take care of issues that I am not good at or have little experience with. I am embarrassed to say that I don't know nearly enough about our money. He takes care of all of that. He also tends to so many other things--car and home repairs to name a couple--that I am clueless about. I can understand your advice that I go straight to a lawyer today, but I don't have the guts to do that right now especially with a wedding coming up in October. I may feel differently after that.