Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
I'm happily partnered for a bit over 3yrs now.
One of my biggest problems has been about sex, and one of them is the fact that I can't get over my partner having a lot more sexual partners in life than I have, and him not wanting to have sex with me...and it's really starting to take a toll on our relationship.
A little background story on me:
I was a virgin until I hit 19yrs, always being worried to start anything because of me being gay and worried of the effects it would have if it got out. Once I got out of high school though at 19yrs, I finally started to venture a little bit. I had had a few experiences over the first couple months, nothing too serious, before I met my partner of now 3yrs. At first, everything was fine, I was happy to be in a relationship, and wanted to be a faithful partner to him. But, one of the major problems we have had, has been about sex. Whether it wasn't me getting enough, or being jealous when he talks about his prior experiences, it's always brought a strong sense of jealousy out in me.
I always complain when I don't get enough sex, and he just claims it's me in my "prime-time" and that I need to practice self-control. One of the reasons behind it is because he is older and sex isn't as important to him as it is to me. Another reason is when he used to be my age, he was also in a relationship for 4yrs with someone else who was older, and he himself had to learn self-control. I understand that part completely, the only problem I have is the fact that, even before his relationship with his old partner, or with me even, is that he has had plently of sex with other people prior to that, whereas my sexual experiences/life had just started. I get worried that once I practice self-control, my sex life is over, and I will never get to experience it at all. At times I wish I were single and could get all the sex I want with other people, or in an open-relationship...problem with that though is that I would be jealous because he was also having sex with other people, and I couldn't "catch up" with him. Sometimes when he talks about his older relations with people, or when we bump into someone he used to have sex with, I start to get really mad that I never had a life before him, and that our sex life is horrible to me...and it's really taking a turn for the worse. As of late, our sex life has gotten stagnant, and I realize that I may never have a sexual life at all, with him or with other people.
I feel like a horrible boyfriend feeling this way. Being jealous because our sex life is bad, and the reason because him not wanting sex with me, but had plently before me all the time, and me never getting to experience that at all. I really need to know what to do about it. I need to quit being jealous of him having more partners than me, and need to control myself before I cheat on him or something bad in general. I mean I love him so much, but when he brings up someone else he used to screw around with, I get mad because I couldn't have the same.
So my question is, what should I do? Any advice out there at all?
Last edited by Administrator; 04-13-2013 at 06:53 AM.
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
Oh hun, you're so young and your partner shouldn't be stifling you like this. I'm not questioning his feelings for you or anything, but he should respect your desire to have intimate contact. I think because of your lack of sexual experience and your age difference, he's controlling you a bit by telling you to have self-control. Honestly it doesn't bode well that you feel like you want out of the relationship so you can be intimate as much as you desire, because he isn't giving you what you need.
I'm kind of in the same situation - I was a virgin until 21, and I've only been with 2 people total. My recent ex, who I thought I would be with for a long time, had a lot of sexual partners before being with me. I wasn't intimidated by those partners, but I was intimidated just by the fact that he had more experience. I never knew if what I was doing was "right", or if things were normal, and due to medical problems I didn't have sex with him as much as he desired.
Not being intimate will take a terrible toll on your relationship, and it sounds like it has already. There is nothing at all wrong with you not having much experience, and nothing wrong with wanting to have sex more often. He needs to respect you as much as you respect him, and compromise about it. There's no reason to have "self-control" if you're not demanding sex 5 times a day, every day. Even once a day, that isn't excessive, it's healthy! It sounds like he might have intimacy issues because of his own experience with an older partner not letting him express his feelings.
I think you both need to sit down and talk about it, and remember to be calm. Let him know that you want to be with him, but you want to be able to freely show him that you love him. It's hurting you that he is telling you to hold it back, and he needs to know that. Yes, you're young, but it doesn't mean that he should treat you like a child in any way. Relationships need to be equal. Find out if his feelings for you have changed at all, whether sexual or not. He's not old, so it seems really unusual for him to have a loss of sex drive - does he have some medical issue that's affecting him? Stress?
I really hope you can work things out for the best, for each of you, no matter what that is. Good luck!
The Following User Says Thank You to Sachimi For This Useful Post: Kelno (01-18-2012)
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
Well, I'm hardly an expert at all, but it seems to me the number of partners wouldn't matter at all if the relationship is healthy, happy, mutually respectful and fulfilling. If you really loved this guy, and he was meeting your emotional needs as well as everything else, "catching up" to him wouldn't matter to you. You feel you're missing something because he's not giving you what you need, probably emotionally as well as physically. It's tacky of him to keep talking about past lovers, and it's unfair of him not to work on a compromise with you in regards to your differing sex drives, and just shuts you down by telling you to exercise some self control. That's a cop out.
The number of partners you have doesn't matter. I mean, if you found the absolute love of your life, someone who was just perfect for you in every way, would you toss him aside because you hadn't had "enough" lovers yet? I certainly hope not, though some men do. For a lot of men, it's just a matter of timing. They will throw away a wonderful partner just because they aren't ready to settle down yet. But I don't get the feeling that's what's going on here. I think your gut is telling you this guy is not the right guy for you. I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that his disrespectful, dismissive attitude toward you isn't just limited to when you try to talk to him about sex. It doesn't make sense that he's respectful to you, listens to you, cares about what you think and what you feel, on every issue except this one.
I think maybe you should think about how you really feel about this relationship. The pros and cons of staying in it. I think it would be a mistake to leave a really great relationship just because you haven't had as many lovers as him. But maybe it wouldn't be a mistake to move on if this guy isn't willing to compromise on an issue that is significant to you, doesn't respect your feelings and dismisses you and your point of view, and just isn't on the same page as you.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post: Kelno (01-18-2012), pendulum (01-18-2012)
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
Hi
your emotional and physical needs are not being met and I too would be upset listening to how my partner fulfilled poeples desires but will not fulfil mine. In any relationship we should be able to express our needs and reach understandings that work for the 2 of you Currently sounds like things are working for the one of you.
let your partner know what you are looking for let him know how you feel when talks about his past lovers If he cares about you and the relationship he will meet you half way work with you If he conintues to tell you to pace yourself you may want to consider other options.
FYI I am 50 and enjoy sex 5 times a week and my partner is 41 so age is not the factor passion, desire play a big role for me.
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
BTW, everyone, thank you for the post, it made me think about somethings.
Hmm....I guess the one problem I have then is lack of intimancy/contact between us, not really the fact of him having more partners than I had. It's just that we don't have as much sex as I would like. Yes, I do feel a bit controlled here, I mean I feel wronged of him to tell me to have self-control when I never had anything to control to begin with. It's not like I'm asking 5-6 times a day or anything, it's just once a day, or every couple of days even, but I always get the same answer. Sometimes I do feel like I did something wrong, or he's just not attracted to me anymore that way as he used to be.
We've sat and talked about this before, and each time it is a different answer: Whether it's "I'm never horny,""You just catch me at the wrong times,""I'm always horny when you are asleep, so I don't wake you up." It's a different answer everytime, and very inconsistant.
And yes, he did have to practice control with his old partner of 4yrs, but before that he had plently of sex with many others for years, so I wouldn't think he was missing out or anything. So him telling me to practice self-control, when he knows about my sexual past, and to where we don't have sex for two weeks, somtimes even a month at a time, brings up questions.
Another big issue I have, probably the biggest I have that I kept from saying due to being embarrassed by it, is that in the relationship he is a dominant "top" and I'm forced to being the "bottom." I feel very unfulfilled sexually, because each time we do have intimancy, I'm always stuck being the bottom. I tried to compromise before on that issue, but he is always all "Yea right, not going to happen." Whereas he has bottomed before to "hot guys." So I start to think that I'm not "hot enough" for him, and begin to dwell on those issues on top of all the other ones about sex. He has, said by him, at least topped about 40people before me, multiple times sometimes, whereas he has been the only person I have ever topped before, and I can count barely the end of two hands I have done topped, in 3yrs. I am now going on my 7th month now of not topping at all. I literally sometimes go to the bathroom and cry because of how frusterated I am.
And again lastly, I really do love him, everything between us is not perfect, but good enough, and that's why I'm asking for help on the matter further. I just feel like I'm not good enough for us to be intimate, and it's making me very depressed. Ending the relationship is the last thing I want, but I'm sick of crying over it
Again, thank you for the earlier post.
Last edited by Kelno; 01-18-2012 at 05:32 PM.
Reason: Update information.
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
It sounds like maybe he has a physical ( or psychological ) problem that may be preventing him from getting aroused, but he's too embarrassed to tell you. I had the same kind of issue, and I was definitely ashamed of it. If that's the case, he just needs to be comfortable enough to tell you. I would assume that after 3 years he would be, but we're a funny species.
If that isn't it, then it might be that he isn't as attracted to you as he once was. If that's it, then find out why. It could be anything from how you wear your hair to your clothes or your weight. Have you changed any of those since you first got together?
I'm so sorry to hear that he won't switch things up with you. It makes me want to cry hearing that you do from the frustration. I hope you've told him about how it makes you feel when he refuses, and also I hope you can find out why he doesn't want you on top. There may be some reason that you might not realise or know about, not to make excuses for him.
I really hope you figure everything out before your relationship dims any more.
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
Hmmm, I guess that sometimes we need the last item on a list, if you see what I mean.
Why are you so afraid of breaking up with him? Is this the first time you ever break up with someone in your life? Or do you think you will never get over it or find someone who is at least a little more respectful of your needs? Sorry if this sounds too blunt, but it looks like he is only leading you on.
You say you love him (but does he love you back?), but what are you feeding your love on? Lack of attention? Love won't survive... and what is worse it will turn into resentment.
Obviously you need to find someone else who is on the same page as yourself. It may be difficult, but it is probably better than being stuck here and having to cry over it over and over again.
I think the others have said the same thing with a different wording.
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
After reading your more detailed post about your intimacy, it is obvious he is not concerned with your needs and pleasing you. It is really that simple.
I can only compare this to my heterosexual relationship. If my husband were to always meet his needs in bed and not mine, then it would be the same thing.
And by the way, my husband is 36 years old and could have sex every other day if I were up for it. I find it odd that a 30 year old man isn't that interested in sex.
May I ask if you think he is sleeping around behind your back?
__________________
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
I'm in agreement with the others. This guy doesn't seem to respect you as he should and you deserve so much better! You seem like a nice guy, this makes me sad to hear that you have been so hurt by him. If it helps as all, I've been in relationships with jerky guys too and it hurts a lot. But once I have broken free of those bad relationships, I always feel SO much better! Don't sell yourself short by settling for a guy who doesn't treat you with love and respect. You're a good person and you deserve to be treated with much more love and caring than this guy is capable of giving you.
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
30 is not too old to have sex every day or every couple of days. And 22 is waaay too young to be asked to "control" yourself. I'm afraid that he is giving you a load of crap. Also, he isn't meeting your needs. He only cares about himself.
You are facing what everyone faces: Is he too good to leave or too bad to stay with?
That is your call.
Re: Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have.
Kelno,
You need to break away from this guy. I'm the same age as you, hetero, and the opposite gender, but the same age.
This guy is consistently making you so frustrated you cry. You personally say the relationship is "good enough", but not amazing, along with the other complaints you listed.
You have 60 years of your life left (at least), to have all sorts of wonderful, satisfying sexual and emotional experiences. Go out and HAVE those experiences. Kiss this older fellow goodbye and dive into life with people who want to make you happy.
Jealousy: My partner has had more sexual partners than I have. 
