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Old 01-27-2012, 07:23 PM   #1
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So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

I am new to the board and am hoping for some much needed advice
I am a 48 year old woman and have been with my much younger boyfriend
for about 3 years. Instead of getting into the many reasons why the relationship
is unhealthy, I really need the strength to let it go. We met 4 years ago when
he started working with me. We both have different positions at the work
place, but the jobs are live-in. When he started here, he moved into the small
apartment downstairs while I am living in an upstairs apartment. After the relationship had progressed, he moved upstairs with me. The lower apartment is still his, but we just use it as a spare room for company, etc... My problem is really this.... How do I end this relationship and still feel comfortable working side by side with him six days a week, and how do I feel okay with him living downstairs? Obviously I love this man or we would not have stayed together for 3 years, so I would find it very heartbreaking to maybe see another woman going to his apartment if he started dating again. I have never ended a relationship and then had to have daily interaction with that person. I have just become emotionally worn out and am no longer happy so it is time for us to move on. We are just very different people.... I communicate, he doesnt... I have a great dog, he isnt a dog person, he wants sex 1-2x per day, I cohld be happy with 1x per week.... and the list goes on. I am certain that his response will be to gather his things, storm off very angry, and will do his best to not communicate with me at work unless he has to. I guess I dont like the idea of loving someone for 3 years and then having them just turn off the feelings. What is ironic is that I am staying in an uncomfortable relationship so that I wont be uncomfortable in the situation when the relationship is over....I hope I am making sense there. Just looking for some hand holding and advice from others who have had to end a relatioship but still must see that person each day. I guess I envision a daily heartbreak.....

 
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Old 01-28-2012, 08:03 AM   #2
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Re: So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

I guess it doesn't work. You have no choice other than going different ways.

Does he also want to end the relationship?

 
Old 01-28-2012, 08:24 AM   #3
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Re: So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

Thanks for replying. One of our issues is his serious failure to communicate. If we argue he will always walk away and refuse to talk. Rather childish I think because sometimes things need discussing. So to answer your question, I really cant say whether he wants to stay in the relationship or not. I suppose maybe he would be relieved if it was over, but I dont know. We just had a relatively minor arguement and I was really trying to be sincere. I said that I really do love him, but maybe we just are not happy anymore. I asked him how he felt about things and he just clammed up and flat out refused to even have a quiet calm conversation. I have a big problem with that because in order to fix things or to figure things out we do need to talk. So... I know this needs to end, but I just worry about my emotional well being having to work side by side with him every day and to have him living right here. Kind of hard to handle I think. There might be hard feelings, temptations to fall back into the relationship, or just a daily broken heart for me..

 
Old 01-28-2012, 08:38 AM   #4
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Re: So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ifeelweak View Post
... There might be hard feelings, temptations to fall back into the relationship, or just a daily broken heart for me..
Exactly. That is why it is wiser to part...

 
Old 01-28-2012, 09:34 AM   #5
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Re: So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

I agree with ending the relationship.... The issue is we live in the same house and work together 6 days per week. To actually sever all ties it would mean I would have to quit my job and move somewhere else. At the moment, that is quite an undertaking. I am looking for advice on how to survive the daily interaction. When I can financially get another job and change my living arrangements I may do that. There must be other people in my situation who have been on either side of a failed relationship yet still have to see each other regularly ?

 
Old 01-29-2012, 04:39 AM   #6
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Re: So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

This situation (failed relationship and regular contact) is what I would call a predicament, except if both are mature enough to face it and remain sane.

Please work towards getting another job and in the meantime find things to do that give a new meaning to your life. Join a therapy group, learn a new trade, find a new hobby, do yoga or anything that is good to your health.

 
Old 01-29-2012, 07:12 AM   #7
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Re: So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

It seems to me that it would be a good idea to end it. You are worrying too much about things that you have no control over. You are worrying about all the tomorrows.
You need to give yourself more credit than that.
What you should do is, break up with him and then after you do that, pursue things that have your interest. Get out more, say after work. Go out and go to neat stores, antique stores, book shops, check out movies, hang out with a friend, pick up a hobby or two. Just keep yourself busy.
You obviously are not happy in the relationship you have with this man.
Take a step at a time and try not to worry about the things you can't do anything about, say....him maybe meeting another woman.
Just think of it like this- now that woman has HIM for a problem instead of you having him for a problem. Maybe you will meet a nice man somewhere who wants to talk to you.
I think sleeping with someone too soon causes these problems. It's good to have good communication first before going so far as to sleep with someone.

just all my opinion
hope this helps!
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If you expect the unexpected do you get what you expected if what you get is unexpected?

 
Old 02-04-2012, 08:23 AM   #8
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Re: So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

You seem very well spoken & articulate your feelings well. You certainly deserve that in return. Have you ever tried writing him a letter that he can read & think about instead of storming off? Just a thought. As for the break-up -- it is a transition time that may be difficult for a while but it won't last forever. Think about ways you can change up your routine in the early days or weeks. Make a list of the pros & cons of this relationship. After a break-up it's easy to miss the good stuff. Keep the list to remind you of the cons. Remember if he is dating again he is bringing the same poor communication to THAT r-ship, which will likely lead to more heartbreak for someone else.
Yes, it will be awkward at first & likely sad, but time heals. Plan your life for YOU, live where you want to live & work where you want to work. You both deserve someone with compatible communication styles.

 
Old 02-04-2012, 08:27 AM   #9
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Re: So unhappy... Need help to end 3 year relationship and we live and work together

You seem very well spoken & articulate your feelings well. You certainly deserve that in return. Have you ever tried writing him a letter that he can read & think about instead of storming off? Just a thought. As for the break-up -- it is a transition time that may be difficult for a while but it won't last forever. Think about ways you can change up your routine in the early days or weeks. Make a list of the pros & cons of this relationship. After a break-up it's easy to miss the good stuff. Keep the list to remind you of the cons. Remember if he is dating again he is bringing the same poor communication to THAT r-ship, which will likely lead to more heartbreak for someone else.

Yes, it will be awkward at first & likely sad, but time heals. Plan your life for YOU, live where you want to live & work where you want to work. You both deserve someone with compatible communication styles.

 
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