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Old 02-02-2012, 11:08 PM   #1
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Need marriage advice from experienced Married persons

I've been happily married for 3 years. I have 2 children with my husband
And am very attracted to him. My problem is he has no affection for me outside of sex twice a week. This makes me feel very alone. I am annoying him if I even want a hug. I can deal with it now but I don't want to spend the next 20 years like this. I think this may just be his style and he has no intention of changing. We don't even do mothers day. Should I stay if he doesn't infant to meet my needs?

 
Old 02-03-2012, 02:53 AM   #2
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Re: Need marriage advice from experienced Married persons

... infant to meet my needs?... I think there's a typo/mistake here, but I think I know what you mean.

My advice is: change yourself. Start with a small step. If you haven't a job or a career, think about getting one and start to do what you need to reach your goal. Go back to school, if necessary.

Make new lady friends.

Read more books.

Find more time for yourself and improve your health, build your body, explore your mind.

Your husband or his lack of affection cannot be the only responsible factors for your personal insatisfaction.

I think that if you change, he will also change in reaction.

 
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Old 02-03-2012, 03:35 AM   #3
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Re: Need marriage advice from experienced Married persons

Some people, particularly some men, just aren't that affectionate and I doubt your husband even realises how important this is to you. Just sit down with him and ask him why he doesn't show you more affection, and tell him what it means to you and why it is important that he shows you he loves you besides when you have sex. Tell him what it feels like when he pushes you away or complains. I swear some men just need a manual on how us women work because they can be so oblivious sometimes

As far as mothers day, you know, there's a reason why women generally organise parties, keep track of birthdays etc, it's because men are just hopeless when it comes to these things Next Mothers Day, organise something yourself, hire a baby sitter, book a restaurant and tell your husband ahead of time "you're taking me out this year for mothers day, I've made all the arrangements". You never know he might eventually get the hint, but even if he doesn't don't get too hung up about it, just plan a nice night for the two of you, or a special outing for the whole family and enjoy it anyway.

 
Old 02-03-2012, 04:37 AM   #4
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Re: Need marriage advice from experienced Married persons

I assume he was like this before you married him?

Also, his lack of affection and doing nice things for you shows he has little appreciation, esp. for a holiday like Mother's Day. I understand how frustrated and hurt you must be by this.

Does he do anything for your birthday? Perhaps he does do things that you are overlooking.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:00 AM   #5
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Re: Need marriage advice from experienced Married persons

Hi again

When I say "change yourself," I mean "change not who you are but what you do."

 
Old 02-03-2012, 10:41 AM   #6
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Re: Need marriage advice from experienced Married persons

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belly Kelly View Post
I assume he was like this before you married him?

Also, his lack of affection and doing nice things for you shows he has little appreciation, esp. for a holiday like Mother's Day. I understand how frustrated and hurt you must be by this.
I have to ask the same question in that was he like this before you got married? How long did you know him? Was he always like this?

The reason why is because if he was always like this, more than likely, he's not going to change. If you were hoping to change him after you got married, I'm sorry to say that it's not going to happen.

So what can you do? CaptJane had a some really good feedback in that you should have a talk with him and voice your concerns and most importantly, your needs. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, but sometimes you need to come out and state what your needs are and not assume your partner should know them.

I would suggest maybe reading "His needs, Her needs" by Willard F. Harley. It's about building an affair proof marriage (not that I'm saying it's an issue with your marriage) by making sure the couples needs are known and met. While you may not be at that stage, the premise of the book is very good. My wife likes to give this as a gift to her friends and family prior to getting married.

When you talk about your needs and he agrees to make an effort, you have to start off slow and try to work up his affection. If he really wasn't an affectionate type, don't expect him to do a 180 overnight. You need to be patient so that he eventually shows you affection because he wants to and not because he feels guilty/forced/nagged.

If he's not willing to make an effort than you really only have two choices. Accept that your need isn't going to be met or find someone else.

I wish you the best of luck!
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