Just looking for some outsider opinions on this situation. Maybe others have gone through this.
Im almost 27 and haven't had too many successful relationships. first bf at 17 and we barely knew eachother or talked, broke up after 8 months. lost my virginity to someone i let lie to me, dated a guy for 2 years and lived with him for 1 1/2 years of that time and i probably would have broken up with him after 6 months if we didnt have a lease together. saw some other people in between and no one was the right fit. Just over a year ago I met my current boyfriend whom i'm living with and we truly feel we have been searching for the other person our whole lives. everything i've ever wanted in a relationship i have with him. he is loving, respectful, protective, just amazing. he has never given me a reason to question him. there is no reason to not trust him, he has jumped through hoops for me.
around the same time every month, i misinterpret things and i get paranoid. if i see he deleted texts (i see them on the phone bill) i get paranoid that he's hiding something from me. well i delete texts too and i'm not hiding anything from him! actually i delete ones that could be potentially misconstrued when there is NOTHING going on between me and a guy, who is a looong time friend with absolutely no feelings between us, or a gay friend even! so i'm not doing anything wrong, im not looking at other men twice, i have every intention of having this mans children. yet these emotions come out of no where (or do they come from my cycle?) and mess with my head so bad! i am trying to make sense of this so i can fix it. i know, in hindsight, the red flags that were present with other relationships. i told myself i would never ever again lie to myself or make excuses. i honestly have not had one red flag that im ignoring with this man, nor have i ever had to make excuses. i am finally in the right relationship.
i cant keep being paranoid and asking him why he talked to this old friend who happens to be a girl for 30 minutes a month ago. i cant ask him why he texted this other girl back and forth for two hours. i do the same thing and its totally innocent. theres no reason to think he's not either. im afraid to lose him because i love him so much but my actions are not displaying trust and could make him question if i'm doing something wrong which is why i'm so paranoid about him. theres nothing more unattractive than a female who can't trust someone who has never given her a reason not to. i dont have the money right now for counselling but hopefully the new insurance i will get soon will allow me to do that because perhaps i have old issues to sort out. i have grudges and beef with things in my past that i probably need professional help with dealing with so i can love myself and trust my partner and not bring the best thing that has ever happened to me to a crashing halt! any advice?