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Old 02-18-2012, 09:09 AM   #1
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He lied to me for over a year.

I am engaged, and i found out a couple days ago that my fiance had been lying to me for a year about smoking pot, and Cigarettes. He knew that i didnt want him smoking anything because i believe it stupid. so he lied about it because he didnt want to hurt me, but feels like smoking pot is part of his culture. He was around it his entire life.

I had my suspicions that he was smoking because i would smell it on him, and he would claim it was from his dad. (which was a good lie because i believed him every time)

I am only a little upset about him smoking anything. What bothers me the most is that he lied to me for over a year.... AND I still love him.

I care that he is smoking pot, and im hoping he will stop, but i dont know if i would believe him if he said he would stop.

He hurt me so much....and i want to forgive him and move on...with the hope that he will never lie about something like this again.

I want to believe that this is a bump in the road and its possible for us to have a healthy trusting relationship in the future. I want to believe that there is a way i can continue on with our engagement, get married and stay together forever.

I do love him, and i can live with him smoking cigarettes....but the pot...im not so sure about. When he does any of this its when im not around thank god. But im worried he will get arrested, and im also worried about him getting a job. I plan on having children with him, and would like to have a healthy baby so i dont have another miscarrage.....

Can anyone help at all? I want to know what you guys think.

 
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Old 02-18-2012, 10:37 AM   #2
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

I can understand from both points of view (the cigarettes, not the pot). For him to quit smoking he has to do it for himself. Trust me, even if he manages to quit for you he will resent you for it, even if he doesn't mean to and he doesn't realise it, and it will show itself in some shape or form. I don't know how addictive pot is so I can't comment.

He shouldn't have lied, but I have been in his situation myself and can relate. Others may disagree but if you can live with the smoking, encourage him to quit and don't let him smoke around you if you don't like it. But chances are if you say it's me or the cigarettes and he chooses you (which any sane person would), it will come back to bite you in the ***. He can only help himself at the end of the day and if he chooses to then you can help and make it easier for him, but you can't make him do it.

Love, Jo.

 
Old 02-18-2012, 11:22 AM   #3
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

You can't get him to change. You can't get anyone to change. And honestly, it really isn't right to ask, cajole, demand or in any other way request that someone change for you. What if he asks you to change into someone who is fine with pot smoking? Or asks you to start smoking pot? That wouldn't be ok, would it?

He is a pot smoker. You can't change that, all he'll do is try harder to hide it from you and you'd eventually find out.

I see two options...you either accept him as he is (as he needs to accept you the way you are) and realize that pot smoking is part of who he is, and not object. Or you can end the relationship because you two aren't compatible.

The third option, where he completely stops smoking pot and is happy to do so, is a fantasy and will probably never happen. If you expect that to happen, you are in for a lot of disappointment.

 
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Old 02-18-2012, 12:08 PM   #4
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

is it fair of me to ask him to cut back how much he smokes pot? Like have it be every once in awhile instead of every day?

 
Old 02-18-2012, 12:43 PM   #5
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

Amra, if it were me I wouldn't want to be with someone who smokes pot and doesn't have a job. BUT, it is not me and you obviously love him. He should respect himself more and grow up a bit. Given that pot could be the reason he doesn't have a job, coupled with the fact that you have had a miscarriage - IMO I don't think it's unreasonable for you to tell him he has to stop.

It's up to you, if you can live with the pot and his way of life I'm sure you can recover from the lying and be happy as a couple. But he sounds a bit immature and disrespectful is he is continuing to smoke pot after you've miscarried. Of course you are concerned if you are wanting children with him. So with regards to the cannabis, no I don't think you are being unfair at all.

 
Old 02-18-2012, 01:27 PM   #6
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

I don't think it's unfair that you want to be with someone who doesn't use illegal drugs. But I think, knowing that he wants to and does smoke pot, it isn't necessarily UNFAIR, but UNREALISTIC that he will stop or cut back at your request and be happy about it.

I'm glad you didn't come back with "well if he really loved me, he'd WANT to stop!" As twisted as it is, it seems to me like he lied because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you...but he still wants to smoke. Hence the lies.

You can certainly ask him to cut back, but I'm guessing that initially he will cut back, but soon enough he'll start sneaking smoking more often until he's back to every day. And you'll find out. You'll remind him that he promised to cut back. He'll say that it's no big deal, it's just pot and you shouldn't get all that upset. Or, he'll lie again about how much he smokes.

I see this as a lingering issue where the scenario I described above will happen again and again and again.

I believe the only way he'll either cut back or stop completely is if HE decides he wants to, independent of anything you say.

And I see the only way this issue will work itself out is if you decide you can live with the every day pot smoking and don't bring it up again.

For what it's worth, I too wouldn't want to be with someone who uses illegal drugs. Regardless of whether or not you think pot is a big deal (I personally find it about equal with some of the hard liquor that's available), it IS illegal and I know people who have gone to jail over it. And if you two do have kids, you could potentially lose custody of them over any criminal charges, or CPS could remove them if there are drugs in the home. So I'm with you, which is why I recommend finding a man who doesn't use rather than trying to convince this one to stop. I see it as a losing battle.

 
Old 02-18-2012, 02:32 PM   #7
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
For what it's worth, I too wouldn't want to be with someone who uses illegal drugs. Regardless of whether or not you think pot is a big deal (I personally find it about equal with some of the hard liquor that's available), it IS illegal and I know people who have gone to jail over it. And if you two do have kids, you could potentially lose custody of them over any criminal charges, or CPS could remove them if there are drugs in the home. So I'm with you, which is why I recommend finding a man who doesn't use rather than trying to convince this one to stop. I see it as a losing battle.
This. What she said!

 
Old 02-18-2012, 07:32 PM   #8
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

you're simply not compatable.....
either accept that he likes to smoke pot, or end the relationship.
those are the only options
expecting him to change is unrealistic

 
Old 02-19-2012, 05:29 AM   #9
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

How did you find out that he was lying to you?
Did you confront him, or did you simply swallow it and are feeling resentful?
If you confronted him, what did he say?

 
Old 02-19-2012, 05:58 PM   #10
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

I would almost bet that he is not going to stop smoking pot. Most pot smokers I know don't see pot as a problem. With that being said, I am pretty sure pot can effect sperm count and mobility. Is this the type of man you would want as a role model for your children? And he doesn't have a job? Where does he get money for pot and cigarettes?

I think you are lowering your standards by accepting his pot smoking. If it is something you don't agree with, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who does it. I can totally relate to you on this issue, as I grew up in a family who smoked pot and I hate it to this day. When you are a kid and learning in school to "just say no" and then you have parents smoking pot at home, it leaves a kid very confused and upset.

I think you really need to rethink this relationship. Don't you think you are worth that?
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Old 02-20-2012, 05:27 AM   #11
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Re: He lied to me for over a year.

I have been in that situation. I smoke pot, but the woman I was with was vehemently against pot. I hid it for as long as I could. But in the end it was either she let me do it or we were done. She let me do it, but gave me hell about it constantly. She was very controlling and it ate at her that she could not control me in that way. The relationship was doomed from the start. Not because of the pot so much, but all of the other personality issues she had.

In the end I learned an extremely valuable lesson about dating. That lesson being that stoners and straight lacers do not mix, are not compatible, and it is a waste of time to date someone who is not like you are. You can never understand a stoner. And he can't understand you. Even if you agree to not hold the weed against him you will. And he will never be comfortable around you because of it. Best to let him go and find someone else. There are secret things about being a pot head that only other pot heads understand. Being able to share those secrets with your mate is too important to ignore. It's a shared experience that non smokers are incapable of being a part of. Let him go and find yourself a fellow lacer. You will be happier for it.

 
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