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Old 02-18-2012, 02:08 PM   #1
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Am I being needy?

I live with my boyfriend of (a little over) 1 year. We've lived together for a few months, and for the most part we get along great, and my family really likes him and his family likes me. He's a good guy, and does his share around our home. He's 26 and I'm 25. He comes home to me every night and he's usually a pretty supportive guy.

A few months ago, when we moved in together, he got sick and ended up being laid off from his job. Now he's on disability, and I've recently gotten hurt at work and currently spend a lot of time off, too. The last time he didn't work, we didn't live together but I do remember that he spent a lot of time with his friends because (apparently) none of them had anything else or better to do.
But now that we live together and I'm only able to go to school right now a couple times a week, I notice that he's never really home. Sure, he's usually home by about seven at night but he leaves by noon a lot of the time, and spends the whole day out. I don't want to believe that he may be cheating instead of seeing his friends, and he still seems excited to see me at the end of his day. But I miss him more now because I have no place to really go, I don't want to cheat on him, and he doesn't want to take me with him to see his friends. He goes out like this at least 5 days out of every week, and never wants to take me with him - his reasons are usually that his friends' places "aren't the kind of places" to bring "the girl he's in love with".

I think I'm having a hard time because I would rather spend time with him than anyone, but I feel like he'd rather spend time with everyone else than with me. I talked to him about it a few weeks ago and he's been trying to take me out more since then, but it's not quite what I was getting at. I don't know, am I just being needy or is his going out as excessive as I think it is? He says he just wants to be able to have that space, but if I'm only left a couple hours at the end of each day then is there any point in us living together or being together in the first place?

I'm also confused by it because that's the situation, but he also tells me that he loves living with me and coming home to me, and that he loves me and misses me. But I'm so lonely. Please help, I don't know what to do!

 
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Old 02-18-2012, 02:15 PM   #2
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Re: Am I being needy?

Why don't you get out and do stuff? Or get some hobbies? His life can't revolve around you, and he has been doing better being with you more as you said.

 
Old 02-18-2012, 02:25 PM   #3
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Re: Am I being needy?

True. However, part of problem is that I'm physically hurt and can't really get hobbies, except maybe shopping. I'm also a girl who doesn't have a whole lot of friends (which bf says he likes) and therefore can't spend 7 hours a day visiting people like he does. He has been trying to take me out, but just to eat or do things he wants to do. For example, today he left me home to go to a friend's party an hour away, so now I'm left sitting at home until he gets home tonight, and then we are going to a bar to watch his friend's rock show because it's what he wants to do. Next weekend, heavy metal concert. He's taking me out but these aren't even things that I want to do. Don't mean to sound bi***y but it's the truth.

 
Old 02-18-2012, 02:28 PM   #4
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Re: Am I being needy?

What's he on disability for if he can go carousing around with his buddies every day? Doesn't sound very "disabled" to me! If I were you, I'd ditch him now. People like that who fake the system and get on disability for false reasons are nothing but liars and they make bad mates cause they are lazy and unambitious and do absolutely nothing with their lives.

Right now, this is your life, this is how it will always be if you stay with him. You are clearly not happy and want more out of life. This guy is not for you. He is not capable of being in a relationship.

 
Old 02-18-2012, 03:30 PM   #5
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Re: Am I being needy?

How disabled are you? I will agree with Kszan that it isn't very considerate him to just leave you and nothing to do. When you tell him what you want to do how does he react? You should both compromise and maybe switch off you doing what he wants and he doing what you want.

 
Old 02-18-2012, 05:02 PM   #6
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Re: Am I being needy?

I agree with Kszan...he's "disabled" but he can go to parties and rock concerts? And be out all day 5 days a week? Is he supposed to be physically disabled?

Aside from that, why can't he bring you to the parties he goes to? Does he claim the other people there don't bring their girlfriends and boyfriends? And if so, why?

I've learned after being alive a long, long time, that people can say anything. It doesn't make it accurate or even true. There's this thing called lying. I'm not trying to be facetious, really I'm not, but people who are straightforward and honest often have trouble understanding or believing that others lie, particularly to someone they claim to love. But it happens every day.

If he's going to parties without you, it's because he doesn't want you there, probably because he's doing something he doesn't want you to know about. It could be drugs, drinking, other women, who knows. But he's keeping SOMETHING from you for sure.

If he's only willing to "change" to the extent of occasionally doing things with you alone (as opposed to bringing you with when he goes to parties or visits friends), that's not much of a compromise.

I see 2 solutions...either find something to occupy your time so you don't just sit home wishing he was there, or end it and find someone who wants to spend time with you and who isn't hiding something from you. I'd like to add that even if you do find things to do to keep you busy, that doesn't address why he wants to keep you away from his friends and activities. I'd want to know what's up with that if it were me.

 
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Old 02-18-2012, 07:28 PM   #7
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Re: Am I being needy?

you're not needy if he is in fact your boyfriend.....
are you sure he is?
he's acting more like a room mate.....

 
Old 02-18-2012, 10:43 PM   #8
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Re: Am I being needy?

So as far as the disability thing...when we moved in together (actually right before, but he didn't tell me til a couple days after) he got an infection and didn't know what it was, he was scared it was an STD which I couldn't help but find fishy, but I believed him (of course) that he hadn't been messing around with someone else. He said he was just nervous that maybe it was something which could lurk in his system and not show symptoms until later. But anyway, he got an infection, the doctors misdiagnosed what kind it was, put him on really strong antibiotics and since then he has chronic stomach pain. He works construction, so the combination of infection and stomach pain is what caused him to file for disability. As far as me, I have a shoulder injury and haven't been able to work. As you probably noticed, I posted this in the afternoon, about an hour after he left. He still isn't home now, and hasn't answered my 10 or 15 calls from the past couple hours, but he was heading to an area where he doesn't get phone service. Still, he wasn't even supposed to be gone this long. The only thing I think he's doing without me is drugs (some weed, which I don't take too seriously) but it's still hurtful to me because I feel like he's pushing me out of his life when I've been there for him through his illnesses and pain and fears of what could be causing it, and never walked away from him. He saw me upset about his leaving me behind for a party on a saturday and he still decided he wanted to go. I guess you're all right, he must not feel the way he says he feels about me. Just so hard to face it when I love him more than I've loved anyone. If anyone has more input I appreciate it.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 06:09 AM   #9
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Re: Am I being needy?

I'm going to be sort of the Devil's Advocate here.

You say there are positive things about this guy: he does his share at home, both families seem to get along well, etc etc.

Let me ask you: what was it like with him before he went on disability?
When is he supposed to get back to work? Do you think things might get good again when he starts working?

Well, it is hard to judge him without being an observer of what is going on actually. I see you have your suspicions and need more of his companionship, but maybe this is just a phase, you know.

Before deciding to break up, I think it would help you to have a face-to-face conversation with him. Share with him what you have shared with us more or less. Just don't sound too dramatic. Lay out your real needs on the table and ask him what his needs are. If you guys can't trade off what you need and what you have to offer, then maybe it's high time you moved on by yourselves.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 08:28 AM   #10
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Re: Am I being needy?

So how much time do you actually spend together?

Also, as one of the other posters said, it is very important for you to go out and try new things and meet new people. I know you have an injury so it doesn't need to be physical. How about learning a new language or some kind of voluntary work? You need to get out and start developing a life for your own. You'll be so much stronger and less inclined to put up with bad behaviour.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 09:17 AM   #11
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Re: Am I being needy?

Scribbler is right. If you are completely dependent on him to keep you company and to do things with, you have no options and you feel like you need him. If you had something that you feel equally passionate about (working with animals, helping children, art, music, writing, helping the homeless, etc.) he wouldn't be everything to you. And you could easily walk away when it's very obvious he doesn't care to share most of his life with you because your life and emotional needs aren't 100% about him.

You can't imagine that he's doing anything other than using pot, but that's because he isn't telling you! I would guess that he's either more into drugs than you know, or he's got someone (or more than one someone) else he's sharing whatever it is with.

I used to date a pot smoker and I don't use any drugs. None at all. He broke up with me for someone who will use with him. Apparently, I just couldn't "connect" with him the way she does. And I'm glad, because I wasn't willing to become a pot user just so he could feel connected to me. Whatever it is your boyfriend is hiding from you, you can be sure it's something you are not OK with, which is why he's hiding it.

Oh, and his "disability" hasn't yet been approved? It sounds unlikely that it will be. Stomach pain and an infection that's already been treated doesn't sound like much grounds for disability. He'd have to get a doctor to sign off on it. My mother had an illness that was severe and debilitating and it took until she was in her late 40s before she was finally approved for disability, and she'd been diagnosed in her 20s. I'm kind of wondering if your boyfriend is trying to get disability because he knows he can't pass a drug screening...

Not to mention, he claimed he thought he had an STD? Which he got while dating you and you just let that go? The plot thickens as they say...I'm starting to wonder if you're a convenience for him (help pay the rent, clean the house, etc.). By any chance, do you do pretty much everything around the house and he does almost nothing? Do you buy the groceries, pay the utilities, do the laundry?

 
Old 02-19-2012, 01:08 PM   #12
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Re: Am I being needy?

So we split the rent, he buys the groceries, he does the dishes, I do the laundry, and I pay the utilities. We're pretty even. I had a talk with him last night about everything. The sad thing is that even though at first he said "Okay, so here it is: I'm happy, now what do you need?" after I told him that I need him to not leave the house for 6 hours almost every day, that he should take me with him when he goes places (not all the time, but sometimes, which I specified), and that I need him to be more reliable and responsible when it comes to reaching him...he seems so resistant. He says he doesn't want to break up, and that he's having a hard time with this (because he wasn't raised to be responsible about checking in with people as to his whereabouts and ETA) but that he needs to have some freedom to feel balanced.

Someone asked how he is when he's working...when he works, because he works construction, he tends to go to work and come straight home most days. Sometimes, though, he still wants to visit friends for an hour or two on the way home, or he goes to a bar with coworkers before heading home. I have no problem with it when he's working, because I know where he is for 8 hours. But the not knowing where he is or if he's okay or when he can be expected home, just makes me uncomfortable and leaves me with too many questions. I told him this, and he said he isn't doing anything wrong - he's not going to bars with his friends when they go, that's usually when he comes home instead, and he isn't messing around with women and he isn't out drinking. When he leaves, he's basically sitting around at someone else's house. It's innocent enough but I still don't totally get why he'd rather do that than anything else (aside from work, when he can again.) In his words, he wants to be in a relationship with me and come home to me but he wants to be free to go where he wants when he wants.

I told him that to me, that just makes it sound like he isn't ready for any of this (us). I said that we'll try it out, and if he isn't happy with it then we know what we have to do...which, of course, is when he said he doesn't want to break up. But honestly, it's not sounding good.

BTW, someone (I think Candace) said that she doesn't believe his disability story or it not being approved. I think maybe I mistyped or you misread...he is on disability and has been for two months. The first two months he was sick, he didn't know what was going on. As far as the STD thing, I was suspicious but I know that there are several STDs that you can get which don't show symptoms until months or years later (HIV would be an example, which he was scared he might have). He was scared it was an STD because his symptoms all involved his groin area, and as we know now, that's because he has a prostate problem.

Thanks again everyone...more input still appreciated!

 
Old 02-19-2012, 05:50 PM   #13
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Re: Am I being needy?

My dear, you seem like a smart girl and I am afraid he may be playing you for a fool. Trust your gut on this one, he is up to something. Honestly, I would stake him out a few times and see what he is up to. The fact that he doesn't answer your calls or texts is a big red flag.

I also feel his disability will not go through. Sounds like he is lazy and just doesn't want to work. You seem to have a lot more going for you. Stop allowing him to treat you this way.
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Old 02-20-2012, 06:06 AM   #14
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Re: Am I being needy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelost View Post
So we split the rent, he buys the groceries, he does the dishes, I do the laundry, and I pay the utilities. We're pretty even. I had a talk with him last night about everything. The sad thing is that even though at first he said "Okay, so here it is: I'm happy, now what do you need?" after I told him that I need him to not leave the house for 6 hours almost every day, that he should take me with him when he goes places (not all the time, but sometimes, which I specified), and that I need him to be more reliable and responsible when it comes to reaching him...he seems so resistant. He says he doesn't want to break up, and that he's having a hard time with this (because he wasn't raised to be responsible about checking in with people as to his whereabouts and ETA) but that he needs to have some freedom to feel balanced.

Someone asked how he is when he's working...when he works, because he works construction, he tends to go to work and come straight home most days. Sometimes, though, he still wants to visit friends for an hour or two on the way home, or he goes to a bar with coworkers before heading home. I have no problem with it when he's working, because I know where he is for 8 hours. But the not knowing where he is or if he's okay or when he can be expected home, just makes me uncomfortable and leaves me with too many questions. I told him this, and he said he isn't doing anything wrong - he's not going to bars with his friends when they go, that's usually when he comes home instead, and he isn't messing around with women and he isn't out drinking. When he leaves, he's basically sitting around at someone else's house. It's innocent enough but I still don't totally get why he'd rather do that than anything else (aside from work, when he can again.) In his words, he wants to be in a relationship with me and come home to me but he wants to be free to go where he wants when he wants.

I told him that to me, that just makes it sound like he isn't ready for any of this (us). I said that we'll try it out, and if he isn't happy with it then we know what we have to do...which, of course, is when he said he doesn't want to break up. But honestly, it's not sounding good.

BTW, someone (I think Candace) said that she doesn't believe his disability story or it not being approved. I think maybe I mistyped or you misread...he is on disability and has been for two months. The first two months he was sick, he didn't know what was going on. As far as the STD thing, I was suspicious but I know that there are several STDs that you can get which don't show symptoms until months or years later (HIV would be an example, which he was scared he might have). He was scared it was an STD because his symptoms all involved his groin area, and as we know now, that's because he has a prostate problem.

Thanks again everyone...more input still appreciated!
Well, I don't know, but something tells me he sounds consistent. I think I know what he means when he says "he wants to be free to go where he wants when he wants." He doesn't want to be treated like a child. But I also understand your point-of-view. You want more of his attention and want to feel important for him.

At the same time, I am afraid you don't trust him enough. Maybe he is giving you some remote reason not to be trusted, but then again do you have any real evidence that he lied to you some day?

Ok, all that is left for you to do is actually "to try it out" (his words) and see if it works in the long term for both of you. The only difference is that breaking up will take place not only if he is not happy with it, but also if you are not happy with it.

 
Old 02-20-2012, 08:37 AM   #15
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Re: Am I being needy?

Thanks for your response pendulum. I have a hard time seeing it from a guy's perspective. He has been trying a little harder over the past week or two, so I guess I just have to give it more time. My sis-in-law said to pay attention to my gut when I spoke with him about these issues. I believe, in my gut, everything that he says he feels and thinks about it. I'm pretty sure that I actually have a good guy, and I know crazy things can happen in life to make it look bad without it actually being that way. Yet still, when I said to him yesterday after a long talk "I guess I have to get out more" his response was "Noooo"...and that's part of why I haven't done it yet. I have a feeling if I go out more he will end up getting home and missing me.

Overall, I know that this problem with him going out is temporary. He is hoping to get back to work in a couple of months, and I know that when he starts working 8 hours around a bunch of sweaty guys he will be coming straight home afterward. It's just a hard time right now, which comes up in any relationship from time to time.

Thank you everyone for your input...but if any other guys are interested in giving me info I'd really appreciate more of a man's perspective. Thanks!

 
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