It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 02-19-2012, 09:17 AM   #1
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Universe
Posts: 79
Scribbler128 HB User
How to get over being left for someone else?

Most people would never speak to their ex again and/or most exs would come back. But where do I get my power back from? How can I gain strength and rise above this?

I'm friends with my ex, made him think it's all ok. And it is. If he found someone better for him then I'd want him to be with that person. But he's never come back and said he's sorry for how he treated me. He flew to my country to tell me he loved me only to dump me a few days later so he could get together with this girl a few days after that. He's now living with her and things are going really well. I've told him I'm happy for him and apologised for the bad things that happened. I never received an apology back. He obviously didn't feel it and felt there was no need.

I suppose he thinks I'm happy and ok with everything. This is what I wanted. I didn't want him to think I was crying into my pillow every night. I wanted him to see I was over him and strong.

But what he did has had a profound effect on me. Not in a good way.

He knew I'd been single for years before him because I didn't trust men. I was especially scared of a man telling me he loved me when he didn't. Yet he earned my trust and look what happened. I'm less trusting of men than ever before. I don't look to the future and think - I'll meet a great guy, who will be better than my ex and I'll be much happier. I don't think that at all. Why? Because I can count the number of man who have made me happy on one hand...and it doesn't even reach number 2.

I don't even feel like I was significant to my ex. I was his shortest relationship and he's never left any of his girlfriends like this. That said, I was the only long distance relationship. There is nothing there to make myself feel better. No apology, he never came back, he never made the initiative to contact me once in the last six months. It just rubs it in my face - he doesn't care and he's happier without me.

I could never, ever treat someone like this. Not only that, I would never, ever go after a taken man. In fact, it's one of my rules not to date men who have come out of long term relationships because chances are, they'd be in a rush to leave me and also because of the emotional baggage and I'm one of these stupid women who thinks about the other woman. I wouldn't want to be the cause of so much hurt and pain. Yet my ex didn't care, and his new girlfriend didn't either. Why should they, right? They're living together and happy now that I'm gone. I wonder if she even knew he was with me the weekend before they got together.

I'm still hurting and feel so lost about finding my way. I know I'll get there in the end but right now I feel like this is the way it is going to be for a while.

I read about people who never stop loving or hurting over their exs. I'm petrified this is going to be my situation.

I'm asking for your thoughts and advice specifically on what I've written about here, reflecting on my ex and our relationship. I've tried new hobbies, new work, travelling, doctors etc. Those aren't helping me. But talking and venting does help a lot. Thanks for your time.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 02-19-2012, 10:35 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Are you talking to a therapist?

I think the biggest reason you haven't progressed is that you still think he "owes" you an apology, or an explanation, or that he "should" have missed you and tried to make contact, or that he "should" feel bad for hurting you. You are looking for validation from him that your relationship "meant something" to him. You haven't gotten any of those things you think you need in order to move on, so you remain stuck.

I think working with a therapist can help you to realize that wishing for any of those things to happen is kind of pointless. Those things aren't necessary. You've decided they are, but they really aren't. I don't know anyone who was dumped (me included) who got the apology, explanation, or expressions of regret they thought they deserved. My ex never apologized, that wasn't his way, but I never wanted that from him. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone, not call, and stay out of my life, which he's done.

I think remaining in the mindset that he "should" have done any of the things you describe is what's hurting you. I don't know how to change a mindset other than using willpower, that's why I think a therapist can help. They know exercises and ways to change your way of thinking. I think you need to take your focus off of him and his new girlfriend and put it on you and what's healthy for you.

I know you've been hurting for a long time, so I hope you find the way out.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post:
sicrum (02-19-2012)
Old 02-19-2012, 10:50 AM   #3
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Universe
Posts: 79
Scribbler128 HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Hi CadenceA Thanks for your reply. Yes, I would have liked an apology for the lies, the cheating, leading me on etc. I'm working on the therapy.

Last edited by Scribbler128; 02-19-2012 at 10:51 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 11:09 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,753
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
Hi CadenceA Thanks for your reply. Yes, I would have liked an apology for the lies, the cheating, leading me on etc. I'm working on the therapy.
Well, I know this can be frowned upon, but maybe we need a different approach, the important thing being to put your mind at ease and accepting the hard reality.

To begin with, remember that all people are not equal. What feels right to you may not feel right for them for different reasons. Even cheating or stealing (go figure) may sound the right thing to do for some people. Don't ask me how, but that is the way it often happens. I have seen it. Therefore, it's a sad maybe even cruel realization that the good things you do to another person may not be reciprocated.

So what I am trying to tell you is that this guy has not the same values as yourself. I am not saying that he is right or wrong, but I am just saying that he was not right for you. Or in other words: you were incompatible, you belonged to different worlds. It wouldn't work in the long way, so please feel relieved that he is gone. I know I know, relief and pain together, but then again relief - just think more about the relief and the pain will be ready to go away. I hope.

Silly as it may seem, try to see if your next partner is, astrologically speaking, a good match for you. You don't have to use only Western Astrology, but Chinese Astrology can also be helpful. Of course you will not base all your decisions on what the stars are telling you, LOL, but it is a good starting point if you lack one.

By the way, have you looked up today? What was the sky looking like? Blue or cloudy? Find an interest in nature around yourself, look how beautiful the world can be, this will make you feel better.

Enough said.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 11:19 AM   #5
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Universe
Posts: 79
Scribbler128 HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
To begin with, remember that all people are not equal. What feels right to you may not feel right for them for different reasons. Even cheating or stealing (go figure) may sound the right thing to do for some people. Don't ask me how, but that is the way it often happens. I have seen it. Therefore, it's a sad maybe even cruel realization that the good things you do to another person may not be reciprocated.
This is true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
So what I am trying to tell you is that this guy has not the same values as yourself. I am not saying that he is right or wrong, but I am just saying that he was not right for you. Or in other words: you were incompatible, you belonged to different worlds. It wouldn't work in the long way, so please feel relieved that he is gone. I know I know, relief and pain together, but then again relief - just think more about the relief and the pain will be ready to go away. I hope.
When he first told me about there being someone else, I was angry and so happy for him to gone. But as time passes, I miss him more and wish things were different. I still think he's the best boyfriend I've ever had. Just the ending was so bad. So I can't be thankful he's gone. If I was, I wouldn't be feeling so sad right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Silly as it may seem, try to see if your next partner is, astrologically speaking, a good match for you. You don't have to use only Western Astrology, but Chinese Astrology can also be helpful. Of course you will not base all your decisions on what the stars are telling you, LOL, but it is a good starting point if you lack one.
Well, funny you should suggest this, we're not astrologically compatible I went against a lot of what I promised myself I'd never do to be with him. Ie, dating someone who had come out of a long term relationship, below a certain age and from a certain profession. But he seemed so sweet, so sincere and he worked very hard to earn my trust. I'll be sure not to go against my rules again in the future.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
By the way, have you looked up today? What was the sky looking like? Blue or cloudy? Find an interest in nature around yourself, look how beautiful the world can be, this will make you feel better.
Surprisingly, the sky was very blue today Thanks, as always, Pendulum.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 11:20 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Pendulum is right.

In your ex's mind, he probably thinks "these things happen, oh well". Whereas for you, you would never say you love someone and them dump them without a second thought the next day (or next few days).

I'm not saying you're wrong for wishing he had apologized and explained, but being unable to move past this because of it is hurting you.

Is it helping you that you wish he'd apologized, you wished he'd explained, you wish he'd expressed regret, you wish he'd called missing you, you wish he'd realized he'd made a mistake and asked you back?

That's why I suggested therapy, because if it was as easy as telling yourself "I'm going to stop this way of thinking" you'd have done it already. I don't believe you can "just get over it" because I'm sure you prefer that you could, but it's not always that easy. Nothing wrong with asking for help for yourself.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 11:31 AM   #7
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Universe
Posts: 79
Scribbler128 HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
In your ex's mind, he probably thinks "these things happen, oh well". Whereas for you, you would never say you love someone and them dump them without a second thought the next day (or next few days).I'm not saying you're wrong for wishing he had apologized and explained, but being unable to move past this because of it is hurting you. Is it helping you that you wish he'd apologized, you wished he'd explained, you wish he'd expressed regret, you wish he'd called missing you, you wish he'd realized he'd made a mistake and asked you back?
I'm unable to move past him messing me around, lying, cheating etc. I hoped he would at least apologise or just contact me once. I'm friends with most of my exs, most always came back to say sorry or be friends. It shows they have compassion, that on some level they care. But the fact that he never did just shows he doesn't care. He never did otherwise he wouldn't have behaved that way. This isn't about us being different. He just didn't care.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
That's why I suggested therapy, because if it was as easy as telling yourself "I'm going to stop this way of thinking" you'd have done it already. I don't believe you can "just get over it" because I'm sure you prefer that you could, but it's not always that easy. Nothing wrong with asking for help for yourself.
Thanks for suggesting. I'm hoping the therapy will help.

Last edited by Scribbler128; 02-19-2012 at 11:36 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 11:44 AM   #8
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Universe
Posts: 79
Scribbler128 HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

In fact, I think I'm more hurt now than I was at the time of the break up. At the time, I was angry. I thought: screw him! But as time has passed, I just miss him more and want our times together back. It hurts so much to know he's happier, that he's living with her. He seemed so in love with me, I just can't understand it.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 12:06 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,753
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
In fact, I think I'm more hurt now than I was at the time of the break up. At the time, I was angry. I thought: screw him! But as time has passed, I just miss him more and want our times together back. It hurts so much to know he's happier, that he's living with her. He seemed so in love with me, I just can't understand it.
LOL, does it help you to think he has a screw loose?

 
Old 02-19-2012, 12:09 PM   #10
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Universe
Posts: 79
Scribbler128 HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
LOL, does it help you to think he has a screw loose?
Haha, well, it would make it easier to understand, that's for sure But I doubt it's as simple as that. Perhaps he tried to make work one last time (coming over here, telling me he loved me) before he introduced me to the girl he got together with at the party? Perhaps I just didn't make him happy. Perhaps he's just selfish (but he didn't seem it to me). Those are probably more realistic explanations. It doesn't make it hurt less.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 12:48 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
But as time has passed, I just miss him more and want our times together back.
But see, this isn't logical. You're angry that he "messed around, lied, cheated", yet you want him back! Why do you want a relationship with someone capable of doing these things?

Or are you wishing those things never happened? But you can't change history, it did happen. You can't turn back time.

And insisting that you have to know "why" is pointless too, because you will never know.

I don't think there's a person alive who hasn't been in a relationship that they didn't want to end. Many, many of them never found out "why", but they eventually realized it just didn't work out and they moved on.

It's imperative to find a way to move past this because otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life feeling exactly as you do now. And who would want that?

 
Old 02-19-2012, 01:23 PM   #12
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Universe
Posts: 79
Scribbler128 HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
But see, this isn't logical. You're angry that he "messed around, lied, cheated", yet you want him back! Why do you want a relationship with someone capable of doing these things?

Or are you wishing those things never happened? But you can't change history, it did happen. You can't turn back time.
I know it doesn't make sense. Before the break up, he was near perfect. I fell in love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
And insisting that you have to know "why" is pointless too, because you will never know.

I don't think there's a person alive who hasn't been in a relationship that they didn't want to end. Many, many of them never found out "why", but they eventually realized it just didn't work out and they moved on.
It's pointless but everyone wonders this after a break up. I think it's good to try and figure out why a relationship ended even though you might never fully know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
It's imperative to find a way to move past this because otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life feeling exactly as you do now. And who would want that?
Not me

 
Old 02-19-2012, 03:57 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scribbler128 View Post
I think it's good to try and figure out why a relationship ended even though you might never fully know.
This is like a vicious circle.

Trying to find out "why" is preventing you from moving on. But you believe you can't move on until you find out why.

I believe this is the key to why you still feel lousy.

How many months have you spent trying to find out "why"? How much time do you think you should dedicate to trying to figure out "why" until you give up and realize you probably never will?

Is there any way you can convince yourself that you don't need to know "why"? Because it seems extremely unlikely he'll ever contact you to tell you.

Until this is resolved inside your own mind I think you will remain stuck.

You have the power to set yourself free.

 
Old 02-19-2012, 04:28 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,753
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
This is like a vicious circle.
....
Exactly.

And you're just spending too much time thinking about the imponderable.

This would make sense if you planned on becoming a philosopher to try to understand why people do the things they do.

I guess people just act on impulses most of the time.

So you need to decide what is more important for you:

to find the ultimate explanation (if there is one) for what he did to you and, if applicable, forgive him, because, right or wrong, we are human beings, right?

or to move on with your life (because life can be short even when it is long...)

Maybe it would help to know that many other women and men have gone through what you went (in some cases, even worse), and they are still thriving, so why can't you?

 
Old 02-19-2012, 04:31 PM   #15
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Universe
Posts: 79
Scribbler128 HB User
Re: How to get over being left for someone else?

And it's not just me trying to find answers. I know it ultimately comes down to the fact that he never loved me. I know the answer.

I can't forgive him right now.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
So Tired of Being Lonely glamourgal Relationship Health 94 04-01-2010 09:37 PM
Honest opinion...Am I being overly sensitive over this??? happymom28 Relationship Health 11 08-30-2007 01:40 PM
Being left without explanation? What in the world do I do next...? ~Tyger~ Relationship Health 5 08-29-2007 12:21 PM
being the "other woman" tanabear6 Relationship Health 71 03-02-2007 08:25 PM
My long-winded rant...am I being selfish here? SammyHammy Relationship Health 10 06-20-2006 04:32 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:40 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!