It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 02-20-2012, 04:58 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 1
hid123 HB User
Need your advice, please...

Here I, am almost 5 yrs into a relationship, and don't know what to do. Like every relationship everything starts out perfect, hes loving, caring and would'nt change anything. Now, I'm in a situation which I don't know what to do. We have a almost 3 year old boy together and he has his 6 yr old daughter everyother other weekend.

I myself, when I was young grew up in a broken house, where my brothers dad, physically and verbably abused my mom. As us, kids stood there and watch for fear for our own lives. And it took my mom so long to get out of that relationship. Somehow, they would always end up back together and things would seem fine, till the next fight. It was a never ending circle.. But, luckily it did end..

Now, I find myself looking back on my past and seeing what my mom was going through. It hasn't arose to the physcial abuse yet, but i'm afraid it may. He had just became this very angry and mean person. The name calling is unbearable and it hurts so bad. He will walk into another room and just call me names and say stuff, like I don't hear him. Our son has recently became potty trained, he still has accidents here and there.. That expected right? He would scream at him, untill the poor boy is shaking scared and crying. Now, he is frightend for his dad to take him to the potty, and getting screamed at. He tells me I baby him and hes going to grow up to be a whimp. At points he gets so made he starts slamming doors, throwing stuff. We have talked about this numerous times, and he said he will try and clean up his act. It works for a little, and everything seems fine and going great. Then I find myself back in the same situation.

I know he loves his children and I, but I am becoming so stressed out and don't know where to turn. It breaks my heart to even type this but, I need some help and advice. Thank You

 
The following user gives a hug of support to hid123:
Belly Kelly (02-20-2012)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 02-20-2012, 05:19 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Belly Kelly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 850
Blog Entries: 1
Belly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

Your first priority when you become a mother should be to protect your child. I think you know that your partner is emotionally and verbally abusive. You even mention that he is not "yet" physically abusive, as if you expect it to happen.

RUN as fast as you can. You need to protect that innocent child of yours. I am sure you think better of yourself than to be called names and treated this way. Do you want your 3 year old to grow up and also call you and other women names? Because he is learning from his father how to treat women.

Do the most important thing you can do in your life as a mother, protect your child and LEAVE. Obviously you know this is not a good situation or you wouldn't be here seeking advice. It seems you know that this is not a good environment for you or your son, but perhaps you just need to hear it? Good luck!
__________________
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK

Last edited by Belly Kelly; 02-20-2012 at 05:21 PM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Belly Kelly For This Useful Post:
hid123 (02-23-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 01:31 AM   #3
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 462
Ely4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

No child should ever be scared of their parent.

If your son is too scared to go to the potty with his father, this will escalate and could end up with him being to scared to go altogether, having a blockage which requires medical treatment to remove. This happened to a friend of mine who's partner was abusive, and her son who's now 12 still has fear of going to the toilet, holds it in and ends up messing himself.

You need to take your son and leave. If your husband says he's going to try and clean up his act, you still need to leave and not even think about going back until he's had proper medical help for anger management.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Ely4 For This Useful Post:
hid123 (02-23-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 02:04 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,716
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

While I agree that he may need anger management, I also think he is really stressed out, more than you perhaps. Does he have a regular job? Is he overworking? Does he complain about his boss? his income? I think he needs to make friends, he needs the company of other males, he needs hobbies and some physical activity that makes him tired AND relaxed. Can you convince him to change his current lifestyle to become a better man, the good man that you know is inside him? Yeah, I also think positive words about him will help a lot.

 
Old 02-21-2012, 02:00 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,223
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

I would not suggest positive words because in my opinion you would be rewarding bad behavior.....I'd suggest a kick in the pants.....
tell him to shape up or you're leaving, and mean it.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post:
hid123 (02-23-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 02:23 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,716
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
I would not suggest positive words because in my opinion you would be rewarding bad behavior.....I'd suggest a kick in the pants.....
tell him to shape up or you're leaving, and mean it.
Ok, encouraging rather than positive words. Telling someone they can really improve rather than picking on them all the time (I am not saying you do that, though) can often work, imo.

 
Old 02-21-2012, 06:07 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 661
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

Positive reinforcement doesn't work with abusers. All that does is tell them that you are not only accepting of their abuse, but that you are willing to be encouraging while they abuse you. Not to mention you are being encouraging while he abuses your child!!!

Your child is going to have serious emotional problems not only now but in the future if you stay with this abusive man. You don't want your child to come to you when he's an adult and ask "why did you allow me to be put through that, Mom? Why didn't you protect me?" Remember how you felt seeing your mother abused? And worse, your child is the one being abused, how does that make you feel?

When you are apart from your partner, he can seek professional help, but I don't recommend you stick around while he gets help. If there are no consequences to his actions he'll continue forever.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post:
hid123 (02-23-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 07:22 PM   #8
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Rockhampton
Posts: 42
Augustusine HB UserAugustusine HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

Okay this is poing to be hard but when it comes down to it, your son needs your support more than your partner does. You can talk until you are blue in the face but start putting your boy and yourself in first place now. Go to a refuge if you have to and take your son. You obviously know what it is like to be victimised so why are you letting this happen?. I have read of so many women who let themselves be treated like dirt once their partner came into their lives and their children ended up resenting them and their own self respect went out the window. I didn't see any mention of how he treats his daughter or is that one of the reasons he gets custody rather than still being with her mother?. Wake up to yourself and move in the right direction. If it is your house, move him out. You have to look after your son and that takes guts. Don't worry if it's inconvenient, life and safety choices often are.

Last edited by Augustusine; 02-21-2012 at 07:25 PM. Reason: typing

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Augustusine For This Useful Post:
hid123 (02-23-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 07:32 PM   #9
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Rockhampton
Posts: 42
Augustusine HB UserAugustusine HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

Oh come on pendulum the man's a bloody bully. is he overworking etc?. Your type is the reason so many misfits get out of going to jail they have been mis-understood, or unloved they go back and offend time and time again. He might be stressed due to his conscience. I would give him some positive words alright. He's a positive jerk and needs a new address...Oh PLEASE.

Last edited by Augustusine; 02-21-2012 at 07:32 PM. Reason: typing

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Augustusine For This Useful Post:
sicrum (02-22-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 08:10 PM   #10
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 40
Guy345 HB UserGuy345 HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

This man is a psycho. Get as far away from him as you can and never look back, no matter what he does.

Yeah and pendulum those are no excuses for his behavior. Maybe had he did what he did once in a great while it may be understandable, but this is no excuse.

I believe in the three strike rule. He misses three times, leave and never go back.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Guy345 For This Useful Post:
hid123 (02-23-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 11:58 PM   #11
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5,114
writeleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

I would dig down as deeply as you can, and drag that woman out of you that you always wished your mother could have been. Be the hero here, not the zero. He is not changing due to any little things you do, you are the only one who can guarantee change for yourself and that precious child of yours.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to writeleft For This Useful Post:
hid123 (02-23-2012)
Old 02-22-2012, 09:48 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,716
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

Ok, I may have made a mistake about this man.
He probably doesn't deserve a second chance.
Look, I am amazed at myself for saying this. I usually explore all the other possibilities before saying the unavoidable.
I think I was so sweet toward him, because of your final words: << I know he loves his children...>> There must be some love left in him, right?

 
Old 02-22-2012, 07:01 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 661
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

I have never shown "love" by screaming at my child until he was terrified of me. I'm not sure in what culture that is accepted as "love".

I realize that in some cultures, the wife is required to accomodate the husband in all ways, but not in the United States. Women have rights here. And, more importantly, so do helpless children.

Talking to an abuser doesn't work. Explore abuse therapy techniques and see that "talking" is never recommended.

The only option is to get that poor child out of that situation. IF, and that's a big if, the husband chooses to get help with his issues (and NOT just a promise that he"ll "change", but actual attendance at therapy sessions), then maybe after a year or so of good behavior consider moving back in. But the first priority MUST be the well-being of the child.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post:
hid123 (02-23-2012)
Old 02-23-2012, 03:39 AM   #14
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,716
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
I have never shown "love" by screaming at my child until he was terrified of me. I'm not sure in what culture that is accepted as "love".

I realize that in some cultures, the wife is required to accomodate the husband in all ways, but not in the United States. Women have rights here. And, more importantly, so do helpless children.

Talking to an abuser doesn't work. Explore abuse therapy techniques and see that "talking" is never recommended.

The only option is to get that poor child out of that situation. IF, and that's a big if, the husband chooses to get help with his issues (and NOT just a promise that he"ll "change", but actual attendance at therapy sessions), then maybe after a year or so of good behavior consider moving back in. But the first priority MUST be the well-being of the child.
This makes sense. I made a mistake. Sorry...

 
Old 02-23-2012, 04:20 AM   #15
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Rockhampton
Posts: 42
Augustusine HB UserAugustusine HB User
Re: Need your advice, please...

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
This makes sense. I made a mistake. Sorry...
Well we all make mistakes because we are human I guess. I just hope Hid123 gets away from him while she can. I think it's great to see so much support for her and others with concerns on these posts. Stay safe hid and good luck. Give your little fellow a hug for me.

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (260), rosequartz (245), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (87), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1136), MSJayhawk (941), Apollo123 (855), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (769), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (654), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:18 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!