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Old 02-25-2012, 04:41 PM   #1
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Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

My husband and I have been married going on 2 years, we also have a 13 month old daughter. When we first got married, my husband had a full-time job that paid good money (he's in construction management), so everything was wonderful. Well fast forward to a few months ago. He decided to open his own construction business. Everything was ok at first, but the business declined rapidly, and then went under. Now, here we are. My husband is now working side jobs that barely make us scrape by. We can't pay our bills or even our rent sometimes so my dad pays it for us. My car even got repossessed in the midst of all this.
I'm at the end of my rope, obviously. Every time I try and bring it up to him about getting a full time job we get into a huge argument. I just don't understand, this is not the man I married. It's taking such a toll on me that I can't stand to be in the same room with him sometimes. I feel bad asking my dad to help; he shouldn't have to. I'm tired of him not wanting to better our future, and I'm tired of wanting for things I can't have because he won't hold down a steady job. Any advice would be appreciated.

 
Old 02-25-2012, 05:20 PM   #2
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

You didn't mention if you have a job? If not, what is stopping you from obtaining one to help yourself and family?

 
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Old 02-25-2012, 05:26 PM   #3
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

Because I take care of our daughter. My husband and I were in agreement not to put her in daycare until she was a little older. But, you're right, maybe I should get a job. I don't know. I have no family around to watch my daughter, except my dad, but he has a very demanding job (he's in the oilfield), and even when he's at home he's working. Since he basically supports us financially, I'd feel bad to ask him to care for my daughter too.

 
Old 02-25-2012, 05:43 PM   #4
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

I understand (all too well) the tough position you are in with your daughter. I, unfortunately, had to go back to work when my daughter was very young...it was a hard decision, but looking back now I'm glad I was able to provide the necessities for her. I only worked P/T when she was young, and went F/T when she began school. I don't know if that is an option for you ( P/T work), since you mention you don't have family other than your dad to watch her. What about a friend?

On another note...

I can only guess since I do not know your husband, but do you think he is feeling like "less of a man" since the business went under and is now only working side jobs? I would think that any husband would feel like less of a provider if he was struggling to provide, especially since that was the agreement when your baby was born.

Hopefully one of the men on this board will chime in and give you their feedback. They would be much more knowledgeable in how your husband may be feeling, and why he is reacting the way he is when you bring up him looking for F/T work.

~Angela

 
Old 02-25-2012, 06:12 PM   #5
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

Do you think it would be possible for you to get a part time job? If your husband isn't working steadily then he could watch her while you are at work, maybe? I think if you guys are really hurting for money, that may be your only option for a while until he can secure another full time job. Daycare is expensive but once she is old enough, you should get a full time job too so you guys can cover it. It's not ideal, because sure being home with your daughter to be able to raise her is probably better for her. However, unfortunately in this economy it's more necessary for both parents to be working for financial reasons. Times have changed a lot since the 50s when things (everything) cost less and it was possible to live on a single income. That's just not possible anymore with everything costing so much nowadays.

 
Old 02-25-2012, 06:48 PM   #6
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

I don't blame you for not wanting to put her in daycare. Perhaps you can find a home sitter who watches a few kids, where your daughter will get more personalized attention? Maybe a lady who is like a second grandmom or something?

I agree with the others that you may need to work. Your husband is probably depressed that his business fell through and is also feeling pressure. But I agree, you need to do what you can to pay your rent and bills.

I am confused why your husband will do side jobs but not try and get a full-time job? Does he say he doesn't want to work full-time?
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Old 02-25-2012, 07:00 PM   #7
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

Well I tell ya what I wouldn't do, that's go to work full time while hubs sits around feeling sorry for himself working some piddly*** side jobs!
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Old 02-25-2012, 08:01 PM   #8
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

Does your husband argue against getting a job? I don't understand why discussing his joblessness turns into a huge arguement. Does he get defensive? Has he been applying for jobs? How many resumes has he sent out? Has he been on a lot of interviews?

I know someone who's long-term boyfriend went through something similar...he was a contractor and with the construction bust, his business went under. He refuses to get a job because he said he needs to either own the business or be the top supervisor or manager. If he can't have either of those things he won't even apply for the job. So he stays home, sleeps until 10 or 10:30, putters around the house and yard and stays up late playing video games, while the girlfriend works full-time with a 150 mile round trip commute, supporting the two of them on her clerk's salary. She said if she ever lost her job they'd lose everything since she's the only one who works. This has been going on for YEARS, BTW.

I don't know if your husband is making a sincere, honest effort to find full-time work or if he thinks it's fine that he has only occasional small jobs. If he's truly trying his best to find work, hopefully it will only be a matter of time before he's employed again. But if he's getting defensive and angry and isn't making a good effort, be forewarned that since your father is willing to cover your bills he may not be very motivated to get a job.

 
Old 02-25-2012, 08:17 PM   #9
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

No, he doesn't seem motivated to find a job at all. He doesn't put in any resumes, and the last real job he held, besides our business, was last year. He seems very complacent with the side work he's doing, but it doesn't pay the bills. I don't mind working, what I do mind however is working and he gets to sit around all day while I bust my butt.
And, his attitude is very much like your friend's boyfriend. If its not a management position he won't even bother. *sigh*

 
Old 02-26-2012, 09:17 AM   #10
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

I advise you to take your child and move in with your father. Since he pays all the bills, you might as well. It would mean less bills for your father to pay! Let your husband know that when he's obtained a full-time job, you can all live as a family, but until then you just can't in good conscience saddle your father with your rent/house payment, utilities, food, etc. I'm sure your father won't mind putting you up until your husband gets it through his head that he needs to get a job. Don't worry about your husband, if he doesn't want to live on the street, he'll find a way to pay the rent.

The lady I mentioned knows her boyfriend will never, ever go back to work so she's resigned herself to having to work until she's elderly to support him. Thankfully they don't have children so daycare isn't an issue, but still, it's stressful for her to know that if she got laid off or something she'll lose everything SHE has worked for, because he'd rather stay up late playing video games and sleep until late morning than get a job. And he seems perfectly fine with letting her support him. No depression or feeling "unmanly" for this guy!

 
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Old 02-26-2012, 11:42 AM   #11
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

Does your husband know the family's financial situation?? What is his take on not being able to pay the bills? Is he cool with having things repo'd and having to borrow money from your father? Has he always been hard to motivate to work? If not, it could just be a phase (hopefully).

What I would do is sit down and talk to him about the family's dire situation. The key to the conversation is not to blame anyone. Just state the facts and how you BOTH need to help. If he doesn't seem motivated enough to provide for your family, then I would consider what CadenceA mentioned and go with your father, if you can.

Also, who has more earning potential? You or your husband? If it's you, why couldn't he just stay home and be the stay at home dad? Times are changing and men can/do stay home with the children instead.

In the end, you both need to do what you can to support your family. Yes, he's not holding his own for now, but you married him and made the commitment to be with him, for better or for worse. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but it seems like there's a lot of him vs her going on which isn't going to help anyone. Remember, you both should be doing what's best for the family.

Good Luck!
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:20 PM   #12
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Re: Husband doesn't support me financially, and it's tearing me apart

Sorry, but the only reason I could ever think of being acceptable for a woman to support a man would be if he is either disabled or retired. Then even he should be getting some sort of income himself. It is not the woman's place to support the man while he sits on his lazy butt and refuses to help support his family. That is just pure disrespect not only for himself, but for his family as well.

If I were you I would pack my daughter's things and mine and move in with my father. He apparently doesn't care what his family needs and is not going to try to do anything to make it better for your family.

Think about if this is how you want to continue your life and if not then you need to make some changes yourself since he isn't going to do anything himself. Good luck and wish you happiness.

 
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