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Old 02-27-2012, 10:28 AM   #1
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Unhappy What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

Hello All, I lurk here often...this is my first post. There are so many issues, I don't even know where to begin, I will do my best to give a brief history. My xh and I have a seven yr old daughter, divorced nearly 3yrs ago. I have a 20 yr disabled son from previous who lives with me. My daughters father has a gender identity crisis, always wanted to spend our alone time being feminine and waltz around in six inch heels. The real problem is that he treated me terrible as though we were in competition. He was passive aggressive and lived a double life that stayed behind closed doors. He was abusive to my son and I, belittled us in the worst way and so on. In the public eye, he is an upstanding, kind, harmless great guy in law enforcement.

Just as he was when he was courting me, as is why I left my home state to build a life with him. Shortly after I moved, our daughter was concieved. So fast forward, I couldn't take it anylonger, our marriage was over before it was over, I met a very macho man on a fluke and had an emotional affair for a short time before the xh learned of this. I was upfront, did not deny even as things progressed. I will admit I was being selfish and enjoyed feeling adored, desired, feminine, and beautiful. Very stupid on my part, I should have remembered how wonderful the xh treated me in the begining. I'm sure it was temporary insanity, I'm never spontaneous and this was an all time low for me. The xh wanted me to move out shortly after, with nowhere else to go I moved in with the macho man and share custody of our daughter with xh. within a few weeks when I stopped taking my antidepressant that was causing me to have a manic episode, I realized I made a horrible decision and talked to xh to please allow me to come home, that I would sleep in our daughters room until our divorce was finalized, discontinue contact with macho man, go to therapy, etc..

He refused. So here I am nearly three yrs later...stuck. I have absolutely no support or family here. I have worked the past 4 yrs up until recently, was a stay at home mom when married. I do my best to hold myself together for my daughter and son, but inside I'm such a mess. I managed to get a little place for my children and I last summer. I worked and saved like crazy to try to make a life for us outside of this horrible
living situation with the extremely controlling, scary, obsessive macho man. That lasted 6 months before my savings were depleted and hours cut, major debt accrued to pay the rent. State resourses are depleted for low income families, i have been on a waiting list for 3 yrs to no avail. Looking for work that can cover the cost of living to no avail so far. I have been in major depression for 3 steady yrs and i don't know how much longer i can go on like this. I'm grateful for my children and i love my family that are in another state, but i have nothing else that keeps my heart beating. NOTHING. I don't even like myself anymore. I hate what I did that put us in this situation and I cannot forgive myself.

I have noone to talk to, i can rarely bare to call my parents as i want to break down into tears when I hear their voices and don't want to upset them. If I could save one woman from making a horrid, compulsive mistake by temptation for self gradification by telling my story, maybe just maybe, I could begin to forgive myself. Ladies, there is absolutely no sincerity in a man that involves himself with a married woman that is in a vulnerable situation. That attention is not a compliment, it is an intrusion and a competition. These predators are dangerous and will ruin your life if you allow them. I'm not advising to stay in an abusive marriage, but the outcome of my divorce and future would have been much different had another party not been in the picture. Sorry for bouncing around so much, I let my heart do the typing. Thank you for listening, any words of encouragment would be so welcomed.

 
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:23 AM   #2
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

I'm sorry you're in this situation......please call your parents, I'm sure they will help you.....what if your daughter was in a situation like this, wouldn't you want her to call and tell you so you could help her?
I guess the moral to this story (and it applies to me also)....is that you can't count on anyone but yourself.....we try to rely on someone who "seems" to be helping us, but we need to rememeber that everyone has their own best interests at heart......as should we.....

 
Old 02-28-2012, 10:15 AM   #3
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

Thank you Rosequartz for listening and responding. I'm such a different woman now, tainted and leary. I was once a fun loving gal that niavely loved and trusted everyone. My parents are in another state, I must stay here for our daughter. There is not much they can do. They know I am struggling here but I do not share all of the circumstances in which I am living. It would only cause them grief and they already hurt for me. Someday, when I come out of this, I hope to share a success story with them. Not to mention, when I do visit them once or twice a year, macho man insists on coming with me or I don't go. That would be very awkward and probably ruin the short time I am able to spend with them.

 
Old 02-28-2012, 10:38 AM   #4
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

do you have sisters, brothers, any friends who might be able to help?

 
Old 02-28-2012, 01:50 PM   #5
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

Sadly, my sister and I have grown distant, more so after my divorce. She is rather fond of my xh to the extent that when she was in town a year or so ago, she called him rather than me to get together. I am very isolated here, as I mentioned macho man is very controlling, feels threatened and therefore disapproves of the few friends I had here along the way. My life now is so vastly differrent than I have ever lived that I'm ashamed to even share my new reclusive self to my lifelong friends. I know this sounds very pathetic, but i fantasize daily that this shall pass and that I will someday very soon live a happy, blissful life or just wake up from this terrible nightmare. In the meantime, I do everything in my power to project some normalcy....it's not easy.

 
Old 02-28-2012, 02:02 PM   #6
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

how about one more appeal to your ex-husband.....
in the interest of HIS daughter...

 
Old 02-28-2012, 05:37 PM   #7
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

Does your ex husband pay child support?

 
Old 02-29-2012, 04:10 AM   #8
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

I agree with Rose: you must call your parents and share with them what is happening. Otherwise you will remain waiting for a miracle to happen... If your parents can't really help you - which I doubt - they will certainly ask someone else to do it.

 
Old 02-29-2012, 08:49 AM   #9
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

Thanks again Rose for racking your brain for me, I do appreciate it. The xh has moved on long ago. He has already sold our family home, got rid of our 9yr old dog, has a girlfriend, etc.. I really tried to talk to him from the begininng of this mess, once I came to my senses about the possiblity of raising our daughter together for her best interest. I was even willing to pay rent to sleep in my daughters room, embrace his crossdressing "fetish". He was not the least bit receptive to it and he was and is well aware that this living situation is not good. To be perfectly honest, he is so self absorbed that he really doesn't care and is pleased to have got off the hook so easily. Cadence, he does pay child support, although it is very low compared to his income. I settled for very little, child support only as xh said he would lose the home our daughter grew up in and wanted to keep it for her, only to sell it after the divorce finalized. of course I'm kicking myself now. The entire process really validates all that went wrong in our marriage, he knows I have nothing here and struggle to support our daughter.
I just feel so sad, as though I have failed my daughter. From the day she was born, we spent every waking hour together. Today is her dads day to get her, she was crying into her cereal bowl and told me that she misses me....breaks my heart. As bad as things are here, I create as much function as possible, though she is young. I fear as she gets older, if this living situation does not change that she will prefer her dads lavish lifestyle over our time together.
Pendulum, my parents live very modestly and they are aware that I am in an awful predicament. Just not to the extent of every detail between macho man and I. They know he is controlling, they know I do not have a support network here. They keep us in their prayer circle and send thoughtful care packages to "cheer" me up. All very kind gestures, but that is the extent of their "ability" to help. When I had to represent myself in our divorce, they were unable to help me retain an attorney and that would have made an enormous difference in our lives today. It's not because I am irresponsible, I was completely self-sufficient before I moved out of state to be with the xh. I was a stay at home mom for seven yrs., caring for his son, my son, then our daughter. This is a tough area for jobs and the cost of living here is absurd. At one point I had three jobs and still could not maintain a little one bedroom apt. for more than six months. It's discouraging to say the least.
I do want to thank each of you for your replies, it really does help to get this out.

 
Old 02-29-2012, 05:43 PM   #10
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

Take your ex to court for more child support. He should care how HIS child lives even when it's not with him. I used a paralegal and it cost me next to nothing. Not to mention, you could go to the DA and they will handle it for you. I was this close to doing that until my ex shaped up.

You could move back with your parents. What is harder on your children...moving away to a new city or watching their mother be abused by a control freak?

 
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Old 02-29-2012, 05:59 PM   #11
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

This is one of those times when it's time to lean on your parents for support. Your current situation is grim, it won't improve and really you're just prolonging the inevitable. It's time to let them give you and your daughter a temporary home until you can get back on your feet again. You absolutely have the ability to become independent once again as you used to be but it's going to take getting out of where you are now into a more healthy environment first.

 
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Old 02-29-2012, 07:46 PM   #12
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

Agree with Cadence.....take this back to court......
you haven't failed your daughter, keep fighting for the best life for her.

 
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:13 AM   #13
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Re: What can I do? I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship.

I do agree that it is time to go back to court, I will not do it without representation this time around. It would also be mandatory in order for me to leave the state with my daughter, where my family resides. My fear is that the Judge will not find moving to be in the best interest of my daughter. She was born and raised here, xh has a large family here that she spends most of her time with on dads days.
My first court experience felt bias to me, it was very intimidating. The court room is full of Sheriffs, xh is a Sergeant for the dept., handshakes and hugs were going on in the courtroom between xh and all that work closely with the Judge, including the stenographer...this before we even spoke to the Judge. Xh had two attorneys, I had myself. My request for xh to pay my attorney fees was denied. Ultimately, we settled out of court in his attorney's office.
I know I'm getting off track, but this explains my apprehension as well as the title of my thread "I'm REALLY stuck in this toxic relationship". Status is huge here, and i'm just a low income mom that loves her children.
However, you are all absolutely right, I tried this route, it's not working...need to go back to court.

 
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