03-04-2012, 07:52 AM
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: united states
He Always Pops Back Up
Hello everyone! I truly feel I will never get this relationship thing right; that I will be alone. I always feel like I have to give a little intro to where I'm at eventhough I've been on here before. Sorry if I'm redundant. I'm going to be 34 and haven't had many relationships. I've been on many dates in my life but only dated 3 people, and each only a few months. I've never felt the same way with anyone but the person I'm about to tell you about.
9 years ago, my friends were trying to set me up with their friend R. When I went to meet them in a group setting, it ended up that I hit it off with their friend J. I've never had such an instant connection with someone. We are total opposites of one another. He's known as a party guy and I'm not a big partier. Yet when it was just him and I, I saw a different side of him. We hit it off fast but faded just as fast. We shared everything about each other so quickly because we felt we could. I've battled depression on and off since I was a teenager. He shared his depression issues with me before I even opened my mouth. As someone who was/is insecure...at that time, that was HUGE to me. We met families so quickly. He had difficulty with my virginity (which I only lost a few months ago). I had difficulty with him smoking pot. He moved in with his buddies and that's when we fell apart. He became such a jerk. I was devastated.
He contacted me months later but we were still at odds. We went to dinner. It started off great but we were arguing by the end b/c we couldn't see eye to eye on what happened. That was the last time I saw him. As the years went on, I heard things about him through the grapevine. I've worked tremendously hard to get to know myself. I've learned so much about myself and why I was how I was growing up. I see things very differently than I did back then because of therapy. I'm still a work in progress. Back then he felt I was trying to change him. As I've grown up, I realize I was trying to change him because I saw better in him. But I've learned I can't change anyone. As far as my dating, I went out with people but never felt that same feeling. My thoughts always went back to him.
A few years back, he friended me online. We caught up, etc. Then it faded and we were just online friends. Last year, he emailed me out of the blue saying he saw something that reminded him of me. We started texting or what not and he brought up our first date. He remembered details I thought, as a girl, we only remember. Does that mean it meant something to him or is he sucking me in? LOL! Our communication went on for a while. He told me he was just out of a 4 year relationship. He actually said that maybe him and I were meant to cross paths for the better this time. In my heart, I would love nothing more than for him and I to be right. During our contact with each other, he would show signs of being the same old person....questioning if I were still a virgin, etc. He said he was interested in getting drinks. I didn't jump on it because he's a person who has a history of sucking me in and then not following through. Sure enough, after a few weeks of chatting, I bring up drinks. He had every excuse but someone's funeral as to why it wasn't a good time. We had a few words and I defriended him.
Since then I dated another guy, who ended up being my first. He was so good to me but became very immature and possessive. He's not content where he is in life and is very angry at the world. He became very bitter and judgmental when I started introducing him to people. He would make rude comments about what my friends have. It was hard, but I broke it off.
A few weeks back, guess who pops up again but J. He friended me again. I asked "what do I owe the honor this time around?" He said he wasn't sure why we weren't friends anymore and feels it's something he did wrong. He apologized and said he wanted to be friends. He brought up how we were supposed to go for drinks. I told him "Yes we were supposed to go for drinks. That's where your apology comes in." I was so strong with my ex that I broke things off with but with J, he gets me every time. He apologized for not following through and said for me to let him know if I'm up for drinks. I haven't jumped on it yet.
He texted me when he was by my house at his nieces bday party. I had friends over and didn't mention getting drinks. I don't want to give him credit for changing because when I do that, he lets me down. In the email/text conversations that we've had, he "seems" a smidge different. He hasn't asked about my virginity. He said that he watched a coworker die on the job and it really freaked him out. That he's learned not to take life for granted. On Valentine's Day, he sent a picture of roses to my phone. He got me in touch with a friend of his regarding photography because I love photography. He asked if he ever took advantage of me years ago. We spoke that it's been 9 years since we've seen each other. We've probably grown and changed in 9 years. He brought up meeting my parents way back when. I question if he's changed at all. Am I still holding onto what he did 9 years ago and expecting him to be that way? Could he have changed since last spring? I'm sure he still smokes, but could he be a more mature person at all? Does he think we are meant to cross paths for the better or is he reeling me in? Last week a friend of his hung himself in jail. We texted about it briefly and he said he would be in touch. He hasn't been in touch except for "liking" every one of my posts. I HAVE NO PATIENCE! Especially when it comes to him because of what I know I want. That's so wrong of me...I know his friend passed and he needs space. My insecurities control everything.
Why does he keep coming back? Is there a better time for him and I? Are we meant to be? I know that sounds so childish and fairy tale-ish. Does he do this on purpose? Does he care at all? He said he'd be in touch. I'm trying SOOOO HARD not to text him. I'm so used to him letting me down. I want to be pleasantly surprised, but can't help but be anticipating another let down. How do I just be patient and let it go where it's going to go without obsessing???? Friends tell me that for what ever reason, he's not "done" with me. Maybe he has grown a bit and realizes how good I am. Maybe third times the charm. Or maybe he just plays me for a fool!!!
03-04-2012, 10:15 AM
Senior Veteran (female)
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Re: He Always Pops Back Up
Dr. Phil says the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
I've learned that people don't change fundamentally. They are who they are. They may learn how to behave and react differently (as you have with the help of therapy), but most people who have an "aha!" moment don't actually follow through with real changes without serious work and/or therapy.
I think he contacts you every so often because at that moment, he doesn't have anyone to connect with and he knows you'll always allow him back in to your life no matter how inconsiderately he's treated you in the past. All he has to do is apologize and you're right back there. There's someone I know who I used to date casually who tends to pop up when he's in trouble, is broke, or is feeling lonely...otherwise, I never hear from the guy. He took advantage of me the last 2 times he contacted me, so I've cut him off completely. I know the next time around he'll do the exact same thing and I'm tired of being his "last resort" when he has no one else to turn to.
This guy will keep you on the merry-go-round as long as you allow him to.
I'm sorry, but I can't see from what you wrote that he suddenly realized that you two belong together, because he's doing the exact same thing he's done for all these years. I can't see how this time is any different.
My guess is if you try to pin him down to go for drinks, he'll pull the same routine again, and you'll be disappointed again.
It seems to me like same story, different player, just like that other guy who kept you on a string with his "maybe some day we'll be together" schtick. I'd advise you to ditch the guys who are all talk and no action and work with your therapist to find out why these guys grab your attention so successfully. It seems like you are attracted to men who make you chase them a bit, who dangle the carrot in front of you and then draw away. You deserve a man who truly wants to spend time with you and actually follows through, and who makes a sincere effort. It shouldn't be this much work.
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