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Old 03-10-2012, 03:28 PM   #1
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A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

Hi everybody,

This would be a long post, please read patiently. I need opinions regarding whether i should call off my engagement or not. I am engaged to a girl since last 1 year and our wedding is planned in next 6 months. She is 22 , i am 27 and this is long distance engagement, we are in two different continents and we communicate through chatting on skype, facebook, phone calls etc.

Problem is, she picks an argument over a small issue and drag it towards much extreme and threatens me to end this engagement. In start everything looked super fine and we were so much sweet, understanding and lovely with each other. However i felt after few months of engagement that she started getting upset over very little things. Like one day at the start of our chat i just asked her by the way that "what were you doing?" and she started saying that i am insecure about her. I found it offensive and told her that it's not the case, i trust her and this was just a formal question. But i was surprised by her reaction to my stance that she told me that "you should live your life and dont make my life suffocated". Then few days later she apologized that she was upset because of her family problem (which she didnt tell me) and she shouldnt have behaved like this. I was fine with it.

But then such things started happening frequently. She would pick my one sentence out of our whole conversation and start arguing why i said like this. I have just given one example in previous paragraph. After tolerating her such behavior for few months and telling her that i don't like the way she treat me and giving justifications for whatever i say, i started loosing my temper too and this was beginning of a very big mess. I threatened her to end the engagement and she went mad out of anger. She didnt talk to me for some days and kept on saying that i should go ahead and end this engagement. However, i apologized again (just for the sake of relation) and we were normal. But again we went into arguments over stupid things, at one point i adopted the strategy of keeping quiet when she is mad at me. But it worked only for a short period of time. Though she appreciated my this strategy but it couldnt keep her away from behaving in the same old ways.

So one day i though it's enough, i will treat her the way she treats me. I told her she is behaving very selfish and i don't view it a healthy relationship. She was telling me such things for a very long time and even she went so far saying that as she doesn't trust me so it will be a wedding condition that if i divorce her then i would have to pay her a very large amount of money and she will literally ruin me if i divorce her. She even sometimes called me "not man enough" to take a step and end this relation. Though i just dont want to take any step in hurry and regret laters.

Only thing i am still in this relation is because is know she is very emotional and sensitive. She would take stress because of our fight and goes sick (i also take a lot of stress). May be she is sincere, but i think i can not be more understanding. If she creates an issue, argues for stupid thing, take stress and go sick then whats my fault. I have told her more than thousand times that i love her, i will always care for her and will never hurt her. I know in my heart how much i loved her and she knew it well. But in the heat of argument she forgets every good thing.


I admit that i am not perfect, i also make mistakes but dont you people think that she OVER REACTS a lot? I think this relation requires me to be the perfect man in every sense which is not possible for me.


One thing more, she has some family members who have severe depression issue, she told me this thing many months after engagement. Though she says she don't have any such problems (and ofcourse i dont wana bring up this topic again and again with her), but the way she gets upset because of small things and is very very sensitive to outside world makes me suspicious if something is really wrong.

I have tried to talk to her many times very politely that these are my concerns and we should address them by mutual workout, but she dismisses all my concerns saying that its only me who needs to be changed not her.

What should i do? Despite all such mess, i still have feelings for her and i wish to make things correct.

 
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Old 03-11-2012, 08:21 AM   #2
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

Hello there. I'm curious, what country are you from? Anyway, this sounds like a terrible start to a relationship. If she is acting this way over the computer, imagine how she will act in person! In my opinion, this should probably be called off as it is already going very badly. And this my friend:

She was telling me such things for a very long time and even she went so far saying that as she doesn't trust me so it will be a wedding condition that if i divorce her then i would have to pay her a very large amount of money and she will literally ruin me if i divorce her.

Is a red flag if I ever saw one. You haven't even married her yet and she's already threatening to ruin you if you try to leave her. Quit while you're ahead, my friend. Best wishes.

Last edited by littlebirdie; 03-11-2012 at 08:22 AM.

 
Old 03-11-2012, 08:31 AM   #3
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

This woman is bad news! Imagine yourself in a few years, still walking on eggshells and being nagged at, put down and verbally abused. If she is like this now, you have no hope of happiness. She couldn't keep up the "niceness" for very long. You are seeing her true permanent self. I would be running away fast!!

 
Old 03-11-2012, 01:26 PM   #4
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

Quote:
Originally Posted by littlebirdie View Post
Hello there. I'm curious, what country are you from? Anyway, this sounds like a terrible start to a relationship. If she is acting this way over the computer, imagine how she will act in person! In my opinion, this should probably be called off as it is already going very badly. And this my friend:

She was telling me such things for a very long time and even she went so far saying that as she doesn't trust me so it will be a wedding condition that if i divorce her then i would have to pay her a very large amount of money and she will literally ruin me if i divorce her.

Is a red flag if I ever saw one. You haven't even married her yet and she's already threatening to ruin you if you try to leave her. Quit while you're ahead, my friend. Best wishes.
And yet it is not only that you haven't married yet, you haven't even met yet, if I am not missing anything.
I know it is easy for me to tell you what to do, as I am not in your shoes, but I think you should stop communicating with her for a few days just to see how you feel about it. Give yourself some time away from her to think things over. You may be surprised to find that breaking up with her will not be such a big deal. Since I gather you are a gentleman, you will not leave her uninformed. As soon as you make up your mind to break up, just let her know so you both can have a closure. It will hurt, of course, but you will survive, I tell you. If she asks you why, you simply say you are incompatible and please stick to it.

 
Old 03-11-2012, 03:10 PM   #5
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

The fact that you are even questioning this marriage, is a sign right there that she is not the one to marry.

When you find the right one to marry, you will know without a doubt that she is THE ONE and you will have NO other doubts.

End it!
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Old 03-11-2012, 06:04 PM   #6
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

no offense....but i see tons of red flags and not only that.....people from other countries use these scams to go to other countries under marriage. they get to your country and then they leave you....and yes...you are responsible to pay for everything. she probably has a few other guys she's doing the same thing with and that's probably why you question here. i can't believe that you haven't even met this woman and you want to marry her. do yourself a favour.....get out of this relationship now! not trying to hurt you but it all sounds too familiar to me. i've had guys from other countries tell me they love me the second time we chatted. i said...how is that....we don't even know each other. soooo many scams out there. if she's flipping on you about stupid things.....then you don't want someone like that. find someone in your own country that you can actually meet and feel what the person is like. i hope you make the right decision....for your sake.

 
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Old 03-11-2012, 07:49 PM   #7
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

get rid of her! it shouldn't be too hard since it's long distance.......she's bad news, manipulative and vindictive......it is so easy now to end this....once you get in too deep you will surely be kicking yourself.
let her stay in her country and you stay in yours.....

 
Old 03-11-2012, 08:40 PM   #8
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

I agree that she is nothing but a scam artist and the longer you stay involved with her, the worse it will be. It's time to tell her bye bye and then change your email or block her.

 
Old 03-11-2012, 10:00 PM   #9
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

Been there, done that, got the scars. RUN from this woman. You do not want the torture you will go through. Do what I did not, IE listen to the advice on this forum. It will save you much trouble. Wish I had.

 
Old 03-12-2012, 03:10 AM   #10
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

Thanx everybody for replying. For those who are saying "you never met her". I would say i met her quite a few times before getting engaged. I got to know her through a common friend, we met few times and quickly fell into love. This all happened when i stayed for 6 months in UK with some of my family members. We both are of Asian origin, but she was born and raised in UK and i was born in States but remained a shuttlecock between UK and states for some reasons. Anyhow now i am settled in States and plan to be there for a long time.

As they say love is blind and you dont need to wait more when you feel you have found the "RIGHT ONE", so we were little quick in making decision of getting engaged. Although we took almost 5 months to discuss idea of getting married. After lot of consideration and discussions, we felt we are right for each other and we went for engagement.

Problem is, i don't regret what happened in past. At that time, it felt the most suitable and right decision. Problems started around 4-5 months after the engagement. Before that we were great, we always had a good time whether it was chatting, video call on skype or telephonic conversation. Probably it was a good time because we were still in excitement phase and had capability to forgo unpleasant things between us.

Ok i admit that based on what i wrote, all of you are giving me a right advice that i should call it off. Saying "i will ruin you etc. etc." is of course a big deal, but she said it once when she was extremely angry, so i will give her benefit of doubt (but won't forget this and will discuss this with her if she really meant it or not) . I want to make sure that i am not taking any step in hurry. Probably i did something wrong somewhere (self evaluation). I can be nagging sometimes, but i am also quick to recognize it and say sorry as soon as i realize that i am going towards nagging. Can you people specify any common mistakes which guys make in relationships and led to break ups? I have no outside affiars and she knows it very well.

I may sound foolish and what i wrote may can not make a sense, but i am in a desperate situation. It's not easy to end a relationship with a person with whom start was so great and you shared great feelings together. Right now, we are not talking for last one week. Probably, i will talk her once more in coming days before taking the final decision.

 
Old 03-12-2012, 07:08 AM   #11
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

honestly she isn't the right one......
don't make this harder than it has to be.....
this is the easiest it will be, right now before you go deeper......
your gut is trying to tell you something, please listen to it
this would be SO easy.....she's there, you're here.....this could be a clean breakup, don't subject yourself to more of her abuse and manipulation

 
Old 03-12-2012, 07:32 AM   #12
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

dreamer.....i want you to read this....and if you feel that this is how your relationship is....then i say go for it. if your relationship is no where near this....then it's definitely not love......love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over another's sins, but delights in the truth. there is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit, to its faith, its hope, and its endurance.
you did fail to say that you had met her, so i apologize for assuming that you didn't....but i will say....there are so many red flags to your relationship that you have to picture in your mind, what it would really be like if you were together everyday. i wish you all the best in your decision.

 
Old 03-12-2012, 11:08 AM   #13
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Re: A problematic engagement. Need opinions?

Dreamer, everyone has given you some solid advice. I just wanted to add that you can NOT save her from her problems. She's the only one that can do that. Love is a wonderful thing, but one thing it is not is a problem solver. No matter how much you love someone and they love you, it doesn't solve the problems that arise in a relationship.

As everyone said, she is showing you some serious red flags. I always tell me friends that you should pay attention to the way your girlfriend/boyfriend fights. It's a clear indication of how they respect and treat you. It's pretty evident from what you wrote that she likes to take it out on you and say some pretty hurtful things which typically only gets worse. She's going to blame you for a lot of things and pretty soon you'll have watch everything you say or do (which you already started). Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you??

I'm with everyone else in that you should end the engagement and the relationship. Break ups are rarely ever a clean break or easy, BUT you need to do what is the best for you. You're young and probably believe you can deal with it, but let me tell you from experience that after a few years (if you're really patient) it's going to wear on you being with a person like this. Save yourself the pain, agony, frustration, and most important time and look for someone who is a lot healthier for you.

If anything at least consider breaking off the engagement to take the time to know this person better and whether you're making the right decision. What's the rush anyways??

Good luck!!
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