I need someone to talk to.
I am a 23 yr old mother of 3 kids ( ages 5,3,1 ) and in a relationship for the past 7 years. things have been a little rockey in our relationship lately , but i always just assume its cause we've been together so long , and were so younge. now were both adults and i truely believe we have matured alot differently , and dont have as much in common as adults, as younge teens.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my mothers death, 18 years. Every year i have a yard time this time of the year, as a young teen i was medicated for depression, for a few months every year. at this time.
My mother passed when i was 5. She committed suicide. I found her in the basement , which i actually find alot harder now dealing with it then i did as a child.
I love my kids with all my heart , but as most you know , its diffucult rasiing 3 small kids ( or any kids at that matter. ) Most of my days i am high strung on coffee , and it seems like theres not enough hours in my days between getting one off to school , cleaning , meetings . one of my children has adhd , while the other has asthma. one wears glasses, and i am consistantly between appointments from one thing to another. i do not drive so i am spending hours a day on city buses , some times its pleasent , other times i am feeling bad for the other passangers for my screaming baby , I get home finally , cook re clean , bath the kids , then My boyfriends home. He literly helps with nothing. and its not that i dont ask , because i consistantly ask for help . The kids are so close in age ,they fight alot. someones always hanging off my legs when i am over the hot stove , its became so bad that i have to leave the bathroom door open cause my littlest one bawls at the door if i close it, and will head bang. i am so overwhelmed its unreal. and i dont feel like its anything to do with my kids...this is where my problem is. i feel like its my boyfriends fault. He never has to share his showers , or do dishes with baby on hips. He dont share HIS bed ( yes i said his bed. he refuses to sleep with me. ) and things has just been sprialing down for a while.
anyhow.... so yesterday i am in a awful mood. ( hense my mother... ) so he gets home from work , 4 hours late . and i am in A cranky mood as i had plans to take the kids to my girlfriends for playdate , and BF didnt make it home till 8pm. He then , decideds i havnt had a bad enough day , and goes into the garage for the rest of the night , drinking. All i want is 5 minuites to myself.....5 minuites.
So then today , i wake up . and its suppose to be our " family " day. He only has sundays off and promised the kids we'd do something ( which by this point i severly need! ) well... He decides to wake up , and distant himself from everyone... and me? i end up feeling bad for kids , so i pack all 3 on the city bus ( instead of daddy driving us someplace...togetherr. ) take them too the amusement park , i get home 4 hours later, hes on the step having a beer ,,,,yet again. I get inside , the house is up to your ears. I literly walk in the door , clean ...cook dinner . then i realise i dont have school lunches for the week. i then walked , again...another 15 blocks to the grocery store ....carried it all home , by then its 8pm. my kids are all still up ( i needed to bath them , and of course he cant do that... ) .... i was literly crying at one point. my body has been quivering all day, i havnt ate. barely sleeep. and on top of my worn down self...i have my mom on my mind.
i get them to bed and literly start getting things ready for morning. i have a ipp meeting in the morning...i am still not done
my body feels like i am going to die.. i had to sit here for a moment and take a break. He's laying 20 feet from me , sleeping now... I went downstairs and just fell to the floor in front of the dryer..... crying. i feel like this is to much on me. I hate saying that as i dont mean my kids , but i do. i wish he helped in some way. or done something. i looked at him a hr ago and said i would of had this all done by 9pm if he could of helped me lay out morning cloths , or helped with anything! its now 10:45. and i have to go finish this...
My eyes are half shut from crying so much. and he dont even notice. ive even went as far as telling him i was going to leave. id be happier if i didnt have the help , knowing i couldnt. then knowing i have someone , who just dont give two F's about it. I've been asking out of this relationship for months now.... and it just seems impossible. I have 3 kids , i havnt EVER worked. they'd loose there dad... not that i assume they'd notice much/ sadly. we;ve been together so long its hard imagineing something eles. I want this to work... i really do. i jsut feel like i am dieing inside , i need some hlep. all my family is 5,000 miles away (we came here for him to work . ) i havnt had a sitter in 4 years! Not 5 minuites to myself besides grocery shopping ( which i take my sweet A$$ time doing! ) i am worn , we are not sexually active often , a unhealthy amount for our ages. i dont feel physically attracted to him , maybe its caise i feel so distant.? We maybe exchange 5 words a day ... " pass the juice... "
i feel like i am having a breakdown. or is it just my siduation ? every inch of me hurts... i cant sleep due too thinking alll night....then my body is over worked all day.... i feel like i response meanly to him when he speaks to me , i think its creating resentment in our relationship... my personalitly isnt happy go lucky like it was. i cant stand to see him most of the time and when i do , i bicker about his lack of parenting skills or relationship ones.......