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Old 03-21-2012, 04:30 AM   #1
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Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

My ex-fiancee and I were together for 7 years. For the last 2 years, we were living in LA with her folks (whom I became very close to) and having a rough time financially with the economy, which brought a lot of stress, but we stuck together. I decided to visit home for the holidays in 2011, and she asked me not to come back. A week later we broke up, and she said that she was tired of the struggles. A week after, she said we should both move on with our lives because "when you focus on making someone else happy, you lose sight of yourself." She was over me, It seemed like it came out of nowhere. We stopped talking for a few weeks, deleted each other from facebook, etc. I then started taking counseling in order to heal and accept the situation. My counselor advised me to write a letter to her explaining how I've felt, how I would improve myself, and how much she means to me. My counselor and I, through the six week period, came to the conclusion that we would have a great relationship if only we worked together, which we haven't always done. Later, she called me saying that she really appreciated the letter, saying that she completely agreed with all of it, but still decided that we should still move on with our lives. She also said "you are my best friend, I love you, and I don't want to lose you." We started talking again like normal, became friends on facebook, etc. However, whenever I try to discuss our relationship (what went wrong, how we should work together, etc.) with her, she completely shuts down, and avoids talking about it. Maybe it's not the time, but it still really hurts me. I'm so confused as to why she still wants to be best-friends, but absolutely will not discuss our relationship after 7 years. I really don't want to push hard and push her away, closing the door forever, and I can't stand not having her in my life. I'm wondering if it will be better for keeping it the way it is and taking it a day at a time with patience, or if cutting communication altogether is a better option in the long run. Any advice is appreciated.

 
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Old 03-21-2012, 05:24 AM   #2
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

In your mind this came out of the blue, but for her it would have been brewing for a long time and I think clearly she wants to move on. But I doubt if the two of you can remain "best friends" especially if you are not happy about the break up. I think to move on you both need to stop all communication for a while until you get over it, and if you can't accept being friends (which isn't easy after being with someone) then stay away and move on with your own life.

I think guys tend to be very oblivious to their partner's happiness, and it can come as a shock when their SO says "I'm not happy, I'm done with this" but it's there for a long time before that happens, but often by then it can be too late to fix things, or maybe she feels you two just aren't compatible. I think she clearly wants to move on and you are not ready for that so trying to be friends is just a slow torture for you.


edit: I don't know what happened to my post! all the "at"s have been blocked out for some reason

Last edited by captjane; 03-21-2012 at 11:31 PM.

 
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:14 AM   #3
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

You need to continue with your life. She has had opportunity to talk with you about the breakup and does not want to, as far as she is concerned it is over. Maybe you need to put some distance between you so you can heal. Best of luck
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Old 03-21-2012, 10:13 PM   #4
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

Thanks, both of you. Yesterday, I told her that "I can't make my next move until I know it's over for good." Probably a big mistake, but that's how I feel right now. To that, she replied "stop driving yourself nuts." I think I'm getting some true signs from God to move on completely.

 
Old 03-21-2012, 11:40 PM   #5
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

This is going to sound SO harsh - I don't want to hurt you that's for sure - she has said and done everything she can to tell you she is done! Because you feel that it came out of left field, you aren't listening to her! You sound like a great guy and of course she is missing that relationship/friendship of 7 years, who wouldn't! She does NOT want to go back to the past - thus her getting upset about you bringing up the past and trying to rehash everything! She just wants to hang out with as a "Friend"! Unfortunately you don't want that, as you still love her (it's obvious)! You need to value yourself more and say to yourself "I'm a good guy, that still has an ex in my life (showing me I'm not a jerk) but it's my time to find someone that wants to be with me intimately and not just be friends! Once you do that and move on honey and fall in love with someone that values you for being her boyfriend and lover, then and only then you can wave goodbye to your old flame! She doesn't want this to be nasty, she doesn't want to hurt you - thus her being a bit of a coward and saying the split while you were away (she has probably thought about it for a long time, then she took her 1st chance) It's not that you did this and that etc. it's that she fell out of love with you! IF you look back at the last year or so I am sure you would have seen the signs! She is trying to make this work, BUT if you keep asking her "what happened, I'll change, etc etc." she might just shut you out for ever from her life! You it be better for you if she does just completely shut down ANY relationship with you? IF so then it's time to say "I'm sorry..... I can't do this anymore, I dont' want to be just friends, so I need something more from someone else, I wish you the best" It's time to move on honey, stop putting her on the stop and making her - and thus yourself - miserable! One step at a time, don't answer the phone if she rings, don't text back, don't communicate with her at all! She also needs to cut the strings that a barely hanging on! IF your relationship can survive neglect then great. IF not then it's the best thing for both of you! BIG HUGS - now get out there and find someone that will hold your heart tenderly!

 
Old 03-22-2012, 06:15 PM   #6
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

I don't have much in the way of advise, but i just want to tell you I know how hard it is as I'm going through the same thing right now. My fiancee left me 3 months ago, also, in my opinion, out of the blue. We had been very stressed out for a four month period (him with work, myself with school) and he just walked away. The last 3 months for me have been councillor and trying to deal with his choice and desperately trying to convince him to change his mind. It's not working and I'm finally getting to the point where I'm starting to realize it may be best to give up. Unfortunately in cases like ours it doesn't matter how much we love them, their families, and how much we know we will always be there for them, we suffer because of their problems, fears, and insecurities. I wish you the best and all i can offer is it takes time to admit it isn't your fault and they have decided not to be the person you know you love.

 
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Old 03-22-2012, 07:31 PM   #7
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

I'm sorry you're going through this. My take isn't very positive either. I see her wish for you two to be "best friends" as simply a way for her to avoid the guilt of breaking your heart. She wants to be able to break off with you and move on without you putting ANY guilt on her at all. The moment you try to let her know you're not all happy and fine with it, you're ruining her fantasy that she's not 'the bad guy' in the relationship. She's trying to deny you your right to be angry and hurt, making your pretend everything's just fine so she doesn't feel guilty. My advice would be to stop going along with it. You have a right to be hurt and angry and frustrated.

 
Old 03-23-2012, 12:44 AM   #8
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

Maybe I'm crazy. We still talk, enjoy it, and want to know how each other is doing maybe 3-4 times a week. We switch off on calling each other, and not by arrangement. Throughout my life, I played a lot of sports and it instilled in me a character of never giving up and always trying your hardest. Now, I have to give up the past and stop talking about it. I realize what's done is done, and it was driving me nuts and making me, and her, miserable. And no matter how much I'm told not to, I still put myself in her shoes, and be a man about what I'm doing wrong. But right now, we're best friends for whatever reason, and I'm happy about it. I can't ruin that. It may possibly be a new foundation, who knows? Only time will tell. All in all, I appreciate all of you taking the time to respond with your honest thoughts, and they definitely have helped me see things with a new perspective. Maybe it'll make me stronger, maybe we'll get back together, maybe it'll kill me. Either way, it's a process, I'll keep you guys posted, and I'll leave you all with a "you'll never know until you try!"

 
Old 03-31-2012, 03:17 PM   #9
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

I think you're setting yourself for more heartache

Have you though about how you'll feel about being her 'best friend' when she begins a relationship with another man? (Which she will do.)

 
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Old 03-31-2012, 06:13 PM   #10
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Re: Ex-Fiancee still wants to be best friends, but wants me to move on completely

We decided to not speak to each other for a while. I gotta do me right now...a lot. It's really tough, but I just have to focus on getting over her and seeing where everything in my life goes.

 
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