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Old 04-11-2012, 05:30 PM   #31
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

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Originally Posted by outlandish View Post
Cant stop thinking about her and she's going through the same for me.
You might consider the very strong possibility that she is pursuing you because things didn't work out with the other guy. She probably tried her abusive BS with him and he told her to take a hike. So she figures she can always manipulate her old stand-by (you) into coming back because you've always allowed her to mistreat you and she knows it. If things had worked out with the other guy you probably would never have heard from her again.

I personally wouldn't like knowing I was second choice.

You probably want to believe she is begging you back because she loooovvveees you so much, but chances are it's only because she doesn't want to be alone.

And that's not a slam against you. I have experience with manipulative users and they always like to have a "backup" in case the one they really want isn't available. Whoever is standing in front of them is the one they "love".

Last edited by CadenceA; 04-11-2012 at 05:31 PM.

 
Old 04-12-2012, 01:31 AM   #32
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Thanks again for the advice and believe me I do take it on board and do not ignore it. It's just despite all the obvious reasons NOT to go back, I feel something inside that will not go away. She consumes my mind all day/night. Contacting her has not helped but I miss her so much and feel the need to let her know that I love her and I am thinking of coming back to her - she feels and wants the same which makes it harder. If she left me no choice like she did originally when she met someone else and threw me away it would be easier to move on. I would have to! Now the option is there and I can see she is hurt, upset and lonely, it is much harder. She emailed me early hours of the morning the other day stating all the love, feelings, etc and even a photo of her crying which really really upset me!

Perhaps I am being to soft. Perhaps I should grow a pair, stand up and say look what you done to me and what you put me through, I done care!! But I dont feel hatred towards her, I feel sorry for her and want her to be happy.

Someone said it is because she is alone why she wants me and if it worked out with the person who came along she would have been gone before. I asked her this and she said it did not work out with them because of her love and feelings for me. Also, even if she is not alone she cannot really enjoy life because she (like me) is consumed with her love/feelings/thoughts of us.

I am not trying to convince anyone or myself, I am just trying to look at it from both angles - logic (and everyone else) of course says I should not go back after being treated that way, but love (which only I feel for her in this situation) says differently.

 
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Old 04-12-2012, 07:43 AM   #33
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Emailing a photo of herself crying is really a rather unhealthy, not to mention very manipulative, thing for her to have done. It smacks of insincerity. It's because I'm not in love with her that I don't buy it and can see it for what it is. Look, I know in the end, you're going to do what you have to do. Just be sure that what you give up in order to go through all this again is what you can afford to lose.

 
Old 04-12-2012, 08:38 AM   #34
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

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Emailing a photo of herself crying is really a rather unhealthy, not to mention very manipulative, thing for her to have done. It smacks of insincerity. It's because I'm not in love with her that I don't buy it and can see it for what it is. Look, I know in the end, you're going to do what you have to do. Just be sure that what you give up in order to go through all this again is what you can afford to lose.
Why does that show insincerity? I am not saying that I have to go back, infact I have a lot more to lose than I do to gain (depending on how you measure love). What's to say it will happen again? It is the first time she cheated (although it was not a one off cheat but a few months of lies) in 4 years and she seems to be going through hell now wanting me back. Maybe she will really have realised and things would be better.

Thing is, we are contacting each other and it is preventing us both from moving on but I think that is because we both dont want to, not at this time anyway. I am trying to be strong and I guess it is not a crime to think about and miss someone you have had a long relationship with even if they did some really bad things during that time.

 
Old 04-12-2012, 09:17 AM   #35
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

It's actually pretty lame to email a picture of herself crying! I mean I really LOL'd pretty hard when I read that because it's so utterly ridiculous and silly. Is she like 12? Cause she sure is acting like it. Anyways, I think you're going back because you are too young to understand boundaries and mutual respect in a relationship. That's fine, but I hope you learn your lesson before you get hurt again by her. I wish I knew you in real life so I could bet you my life savings that she will hurt you again cause I'd make bank pretty quickly.

 
Old 04-12-2012, 11:13 AM   #36
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Quote:
Originally Posted by outlandish View Post
Someone said it is because she is alone why she wants me and if it worked out with the person who came along she would have been gone before. I asked her this and she said it did not work out with them because of her love and feelings for me. Also, even if she is not alone she cannot really enjoy life because she (like me) is consumed with her love/feelings/thoughts of us.

.
And of course, she has absolutely NO history of lying to you. Oh wait, the title of your post says she lied...well there it is.

She is consumed with getting you back because you'll take her abuse. The minute she finds someone else, it'll be Goodbye Outlandish!

 
Old 04-12-2012, 12:29 PM   #37
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

I really appreciate the feedback here and like the honesty, thanks all.

I am not saying that I will go back, I am trying to be strong. The new girl is understanding and helping alot, she is nice/kind and makes me want to stay and try with her. Im just concerned that she has not made my feelings go away.

Dont worry the real life advice (friends/family) is exactly the same!

 
Old 04-12-2012, 05:57 PM   #38
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

It's not the new girl's job to make your feelings for your ex go away. That would be using her, and that's not nice.

It's up to YOU to get past this idea that your ex will magically change into a nice, non-abusive woman. But your refusal to end contact, and your fantasies about this wonderful change that you're convinced has happened to her, and your insistance that you and your ex share some kind of amazing, once-in-a-lifetime true love is what is keeping you stuck. Frankly, I think you have bought so much into your own fantasy that you don't want to give it up.

I think the only way for reality to set in is for you to go ahead and go back to her. After the initial week or so, when she starts in with the abuse she's convinced you like, maybe it will sink in.

It's too bad, because it seems to me like you'd be a wonderful boyfriend/husband to a deserving woman...but you're choosing to waste your wonderfulness on someone who doesn't appreciate it, who only wants to use you to her own selfish advantage.

Last edited by CadenceA; 04-12-2012 at 05:57 PM.

 
Old 04-14-2012, 06:20 AM   #39
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

So it was my ex's bday yesterday and she bombarded me with mails. Saying she thought I would go to surprise her, she cant eat or do anything, speak to anyone friends or family. It made me feel really bad! I wished her a happy bday but she was so emotional saying how she wants to give it another try, please forgive her, please go back, even as far as saying she would book a flight to see me. I really felt down about it and still think about her 24/7. I am really 50/50 though. I am scared to lose what I have got here now but I am also scared that if I do not go back that I will regret it. She will eventually get over it but I am not sure if it what I want. I cant just run back not being 100% and leave everything here behind with the risk of being hurt again. I can forgive her and trust her again but it will take time. Really lost on this one and finding it hard to just break contact and move on, maybe because I dont want to.

 
Old 04-14-2012, 07:10 AM   #40
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

The thing is, an emotionally healthy, emotionally mature grown up takes responsibility for their actions and doesn't make their issues someone else's problem. This girl lost you because she screwed up, and instead of taking responsibility for it and dealing with the fact that her behavior caused you to go away, she's now making it your problem by bombarding you with sad weepy emails, sending you pictures of herself crying. You asked me why it was insincere of her to send a picture of herself crying. Well, think about it. Why would anyone do that? There's only one reason I can think of. To emotionally manipulate someone. To make them feel badly and to try to get them to do something I want them to do, but something they may not really want to do. I'm putting myself first, ahead of what's in that other person's best interest. I'm disregarding that other person's feelings and trying to make them feel what I want them to feel, sympathy for me. Which is really another form of abuse. It's her fault and her problem she was alone on her birthday. But instead of putting on her big girl pants and dealing with it, learning from her mistakes and getting out there and trying to move on with her life by making new friends, getting involved in work, school, hobbies, etc, and letting you process your emotions your own way in your time, she chose to again emotionally manipulate you, force you to feel what she wants you to feel, by making her sadness YOUR problem, when it isn't. You left for legitimate reasons, and she is not respecting that. She's not saying "I know I really messed up and I'm so sorry for this, this that and the other" and then letting you have your space to think about what you want to do. I bet if you hadn't caved yesterday and emailed her back, she would have gotten angry and insistant that you contact her back. I tend to think that if a person stops being sorry before you stop being hurt or angry, then they're not really sorry (assuming of course you're not using YOUR anger and hurt to manipulate THEM). I really don't think you can have a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with this woman. I'm not going to slam you for wanting to go back to her. There was a time when I was in love with someone who treated me badly (I think I told you before) and if he had wanted me back a hundred times, I would have come running back to him a hundred times. I can understand what you're going through. But I've come out the other side and I can tell you it would have been a HUGE mistake for me to have gone back. And I think it's very likely that it would be a HUGE mistake for you, too.

 
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Old 04-14-2012, 09:38 AM   #41
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

You're absolutely right, you don't want to end it. You're enjoying all this emotional back & forth, enjoying her declarations of love and the way she's saying she can't live without you. It's a soap opera and you're the star, eating it up.

You can continue like this for however long you allow it to continue. In the meantime, you're stringing the nice girl along, pretending you're trying to get over your ex when you're not doing anything to get over her. In fact, you don't want to get over her, you want the drama to continue.

Please, break ties with the nice girl. Be honest. Don't treat her like your ex treats you. Let her go and then make the decision, once and for all, whether or not to go back to your ex.

 
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Old 04-16-2012, 12:12 PM   #42
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Thanks again.

I am taking a break from the new girl to clear my head, she understands. She thinks I would be mad to go back with someone like that.

I told my ex that we should stop contact and see how we feel after. She didnt take that very well and told me that she is angry I led her to believe I would forgive her and comeback and that she will no longer keep hope that I will.

I made a mistake by telling her the past few months during our break that I love her, miss her, want to forgive her and be with her...BUT, I did this because it is how I feel and not to lead her on.

Perhaps she realises now that it is really over after thinking I would come running back no matter what she does I have now made a stand and she is finding it hard to accept.

I really dont know what to do. I know the advice here is clear and it is the same elsewhere. I would like to give it another go but now run the risk of losing all I have built up back home and degrading myself.

I have done some reading online about similar situations and things that always pop up:

1. Once a cheater, always a cheater, Once a liar, always a liar. Especially if you take someone back after they will think it is okay to do it again.

2. She only wants me back because she is alone. If it would have worked out with the guy she would not have came running back.

3. If she is really sorry then she would wait as long as it takes for me to forgive her.

4. There are plenty of women out there to be stuck on one who treats you so badly, lies and cheats.

5. To have a one night stand is bad enough, but to meet someone and develop feelings for them, see them and sleep with them on numerous occasions whilst stringing your actual boyfriend along for months and lying to them is worse...

6. There is a chance she just wants me to go back to ruin any new relationship/life that I have built.

That is all for now.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-06-2012 at 04:04 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
Old 04-16-2012, 05:24 PM   #43
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Whatever you've been reading, it's pretty spot-on.

She wants what SHE wants and doesn't care about what anyone else wants. Those kind of people seldom "change" because why would they? It's always worked to get them what they want, so there is absolutely no motivation to "change". They will always find someone whose self-esteem is low enough that making them happy is their only reason to exist. Selfish people pick up on that and use it to their own advantage. Then, when they come across someone who WON'T give in to their every whim, they accuse that person of not loving them or of being "mean". They feel it's horribly unfair when they don't get exactly what they want. They cry big crocodile tears, but their tears are for themselves only. They are incapable of caring for anyone other than themselves.

Yep, I've encountered people like this. And I stay far, far away. To go back for more of that is digging your own emotional grave.

 
Old 04-18-2012, 02:16 AM   #44
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Had a long chat with her yesterday, lots of tears. She sounds suicidal and has even been to a doctor who says she is depressed. On top of that her parents think she needs to see a psychiatrist. She says it is all because she broke both our hearts and lost the man of her life who she loves more than anything. She sounds in bad shape and I hope she does not do anything stupid. I told her that I do not have the gut feeling to go back and until I feel it (if I ever do) I wont come back but she is holding on to all hope that I will (maybe I will but my heart is very cold at the moment). As much as I dont want to lead her on I just dont know what to do and I think I am becoming the selfish one now. I told her it would be wrong for me to go back just because she is crying and upset and that if I ever do come back it will be because I want to, otherwise it would not work. Seriously, if anyone is ever sorry for what they done, it is her. Anytime I say something to her that hints of coming back she sounds so happy. But, her parents even told her do not expect him to come back but if it makes you feel better for now think that he will. They said that if they were my parents they would be advising me not to and that she needs to learn to be satisfied with what she has rather than always wanting more, apparantly it has been that way her whole life. She is never satisfied with anything and nothing is good enough for her expectations. She said she wants to change that but at 29 and having seen it first hand for 4 years I doubt it.

Last edited by outlandish; 04-18-2012 at 02:22 AM.

 
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Old 04-18-2012, 06:12 AM   #45
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

She says, she says, she says. I'd put very little value on what she "says", particularly with her history of lying.

I hope you realize that she's not regretting what she did because it hurt YOU, but because she feels sorry for herself. She has no one to bully and abuse, and no one to give her attention and cater to her every whim. Poor her.

I'm glad you're staying strong, but I still stick to my advice to you to cut off contact. Why do you keep talking to her?

 
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