It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-18-2012, 06:48 AM   #46
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 74
outlandish HB User
CadenceA,

Yes, she is feeling sorry for herself and being selfish but she did also say she is depressed for breaking both our hearts. Maybe it is the fact she had a lot going on her life that would have made her depressed anyways and she is using our breakup as the catalyst. She still has her flat, her car, her family, her job, her friends, etc... Whilst I have had to come home and rebuild from scratch with nothing. I do feel really bad for her although I am sure she will be fine and many would argue she deserves it!

I have not cut contact because I think about her 24/7 and like to let her know that and also because I have not met a set in stone decision on what to do. It's almost telepathic how we think of each other. I guess it is not healthy what I am doing and I have been thinking about telling her again to stop contact which she said she would respect. I have not been in this situation before and definatly dont want to get into it again. If I would have known I would have left it dead when I found out what she had done in the first place.

I just want to move on with my life and sort myself out but with this lingering over me and not knowing whether I am coming or going its hard. The irony of it all is I felt this way whilst I was with her in another country, not sure if I wanted to be there or not as I missed home.

Thanks for feedback much appreciated!

Bottom line now is that I feel sorry for her and can imagine her going through a really bad time, holding on to some hope but maybe realising it is unlikely I will go back and that is sinking in and hurting her so much which upsets me and in turn makes me want to contact her.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-06-2012 at 04:05 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-18-2012, 01:31 PM   #47
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,984
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

You should stop giving her any kind of hope that you're going back because you're just stringing her along and it's not helping her to move on. But I think you should stop feeling sorry for her because she put herself in this position with her own actions. It's time for you guys just to stop all contact and move on at this point. Hanging on is unhealthy for both of you.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post:
outlandish (04-19-2012)
Old 04-18-2012, 06:30 PM   #48
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

I second what Kszan said.

You're doing to her what she did to you! You're telling her you want no contact, yet you're contacting her to tell her you love her and miss her and are thinking about her. You're giving her hope there's a possibility you'll go back. And all the while you've been seeing someone else!

I think rather than her stringing you along, you're now stringing her along. You don't want to end contact because then she might move on and forget about you and find someone else and you don't want her to. You aren't sure what you want, but you want to make sure she doesn't meet someone else in case you do decide to go back.

Just because she did that to you doesn't mean it's right to do it to her. It's not nice no matter who does it or why they do it. Two wrongs don't make a right!

Either go back to her and end this soap opera, or leave her alone while you decide what you want. THEN, if you feel like you two belong together (for some reason I wouldn't understand), contact her and tell her you're willing to give it another chance. But don't give her false hope and don't string her along while you dither.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post:
outlandish (04-19-2012)
Old 04-19-2012, 09:07 AM   #49
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 74
outlandish HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

I appreciate the feedback and honesty here, you have all been a great help.

I have come to the decision that there will be no contact and I will try to move on now. If after a while I decide it was the wrong choice then I will maybe try to get back in touch. But I agree, this must stop now.

And I think it is important to add that although the relationship had problems and she lied and cheated at the end of the day, I did not have my own life abroad and was not 100% happy there in the first place - so this decision has derived from more of a life style choice rather than the inability to forgive. The lying and the cheating was just the catalyst for me to realise the situation.

Thanks all.

 
Old 05-08-2012, 07:00 PM   #50
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 74
outlandish HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Hi again to all those who helped me so generously in this thread!

I have just read the thread back after almost 1 month and I must say I can see things from a completely different perspective. I have been strong and almost completely eliminated contact from her and not gone back. It has not been easy but I have not had a massive break down over it.

Each day it gets better and now I can see her and the relationship for what it is/was rather than what I imagined/wanted it to be.

Solid advice around here.

Last edited by outlandish; 05-08-2012 at 07:03 PM.

 
Old 05-12-2012, 10:20 AM   #51
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seatlle, Washington
Posts: 153
waywardson HB Userwaywardson HB Userwaywardson HB Userwaywardson HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Just reading some of the initial posts I dont understand at all why you like this girls...she sounds awful. Yeah I get it our emotions can get ahold of us even to the ones that treay us badly..but this one is just completley excessively selfish and cruel. Get away and stay away..or maybe you like the abuse? heh just kidding...really get away.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to waywardson For This Useful Post:
outlandish (05-12-2012)
Old 05-15-2012, 09:34 AM   #52
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 74
outlandish HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Any more advice/feedback out there? It is days like this when I feel a major relapse coming on that I need it!

 
Old 05-15-2012, 10:37 AM   #53
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,984
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

There's not much else that can be said that hasn't already been said by everyone here already. It's up to you to decide how you want to live your life but in the end, you're the only one who has to look back on what choices you've made in life and you're the one who has to live with the consequences of those choices. So, do what you want but be prepared to live with your consequences.

 
Old 05-15-2012, 06:05 PM   #54
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

You say you "almost completely" ended contact. Why the continued contact?

Guarantee that's why you are struggling.

 
Old 06-06-2012, 03:34 AM   #55
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 74
outlandish HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

6 months on and I have still not gone back but still feel so strong for her. Love her and miss her.

We went a long time without contact but then she broke down the other day, telling me how she is so depressed and sad about losing me. How she still loves me and cannot move on with her life.

I have moved on (renting house, car, contract phone, etc) but it all feels temporary (like a dream) and I still have the same strong feelings for her. I also feel guilty/upset about what she is going through. I dont know if this is the life I want away from her, sometimes I want to throw it all away and run back. Forget what family, friends say, forget all I have rebuilt here and risk it all again.

My family believe she is emotionally blackmailing me to get her way, but I believe it is true what she says. You could even argue she is still hurting me with a purpose as she knows how soft I am and how much I love her so saying things like "I am dying", "Im losing so much weight", "my uncle is ill in hospital" to affect me.

Everyone says it is good what I have done here. My ex even said she would come here to leave which shows how much she is really going through.

Help?

Last edited by outlandish; 06-06-2012 at 03:35 AM.

 
Old 06-06-2012, 07:46 AM   #56
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: aus
Posts: 491
captjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB Usercaptjane HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

I don't see any problem if you feel you want to give things another try and I agree she should come to where you are without question until you have a good long chance to see if this will work or go back to where it was.

As I said in an earlier post, I don't think you should give up what you have built now to go back. Why? because you have no reason to believe yet things will be different or better than before, and I think if she makes some sacrifice it does show a willingness on her part to make it work. Let her come to the uk, do not give everything up again for her, and if things work great, if they don't then the damage to your life is much more manageable, no starting from scratch again.

There are no guarantees either way but if she comes to the uk and things work out for a considerable time, then think about going back together. Just my 2c

"My family believe she is emotionally blackmailing me to get her way, but I believe it is true what she says. "

Don't discard this. I still can't figure out if she is very manipulative or just emotionally immature although I suspect it may be the latter. Doing things like sending a photo of herself crying, saying she is losing weight or dying, using her uncle to lay guilt is all designed to make you feel sorry for her, and it's working so I would be wary of someone who uses those tactics because it's a bit underhanded IMO and to me it's very teenage melodrama ish.

Last edited by captjane; 06-06-2012 at 08:02 AM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to captjane For This Useful Post:
outlandish (06-07-2012)
Old 06-06-2012, 05:38 PM   #57
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

It really hasn't been that long with no contact. You wrote only a month ago that you two were still in contact, so even if you ended all contact that same day it's only been a few weeks at most...so it doesn't seem to me like you gave full no contact a try, and I believe it's because you didn't really want to.

I say go back with her. I think the only way you'll ever be able to get past this is to go back, be abused and mistreated for however long you can stand it, and then maybe you'll be done with it for good and finally (really) move on.

Or...you may be one of those people who secretly enjoys having someone treat them that way. Those kind of people do exist and they really, really love having someone mistreat them. It's a way of life for them. If that's you, and if the way she treated you made you feel wonderful and loved, then by all means go back to her! It's entirely your choice how you want to live your life.

Last edited by CadenceA; 06-06-2012 at 05:44 PM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post:
outlandish (06-07-2012)
Old 06-07-2012, 02:49 PM   #58
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 74
outlandish HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

HELP!!

I have a house, bills, thousands of pounds worth of furniture, a new girfriend and yet I still cant move on! Why the hell am I stopping myself. Her guilt and suffering does not help...Worst situation ever. I want her to be happy and feel like the only way is to go back to her...it would make her world. My new girlfriend is nice and understanding but this all feels like a dream and not sure if it is what I want but perhpas I need more time. I wish she would have treated me well and if I go back she will but is it worth sacrificing my life for someone else to be happy - because I wasnt that happy with her for a long time. My head is driving me crazy!

Last edited by outlandish; 06-07-2012 at 02:51 PM.

 
Old 06-07-2012, 05:25 PM   #59
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Have you told your new girlfriend that you want to go back to your ex?

I still see you treating this new girl the same way your ex treated you. Why is it OK for you to string this girl along when you got so upset when your ex strung you along? Does your new girlfriend know she's just a place keeper until you finally decide to go back to your ex? And does your ex know you have a new girlfriend?

Maybe you want both women? Maybe it makes you feel good to know you have this power over two women at the same time? It is understandable that it is good for your ego to know you have one with you now and another one begging to be with you (and you say you are her world, so there's definitely ego involved here), but sooner or later it will catch up to you. I think the time to make a choice is now, and if you can't, at least let the new one go until you make up your mind. JMO

 
Old 06-09-2012, 06:41 PM   #60
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: London
Posts: 3
uglybetty1 HB User
Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Hi
Just read through this whole post and OMG it reminded me so much of what i've been through for 5 years....
Me and my partner split 7 weeks ago and have had no contact, i think of them daily but know this time it will never work..
i've had all the promises, the tears, the i will change. i will give you everything you need, but i think once its broke its broke but i think some people need to go back and get to the point where i did where i was so unhappy that i KNEW it was never gonna change,
i sounded the same as you and made all the excuses. My family told me again and again to not go back, we must have split more times than i can count on my hands but i was always stupid to believe the manipulation. I was strong like you to at points but my softness like yours always caved in.
I believe in my heart that you will go back again and again until you finally believe what all these people on this post are telling you!!!!
I do feel for you coz it really is the most horrible confusing time ever...
Please read a book called How to break your addiction to a person by Howard halpern......It made me see things so clearlly and maybe can help you..
I was getting angry with you and myself reading this whole post earlier but reading it has made me realise that the decision i made 7 weeks ago was the right one..
Good luck with whatever you do but always go with your instincts, god i wished i had way before 7 weeks ago!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Girlfriend traits stereophonatic Relationship Health 8 06-18-2011 10:49 AM
girlfriend... confused Cheapsuit Relationship Health 13 06-15-2010 04:38 PM
Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me. Giant_Squid Relationship Health 12 06-25-2009 01:29 AM
girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go. lucky_yang Relationship Health 9 06-18-2009 10:44 PM
Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends? John5500 Relationship Health 32 02-13-2009 11:47 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (272), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (156), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (99), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1004), Apollo123 (905), Titchou (848), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (754), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:17 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!