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Old 06-11-2012, 08:48 AM   #61
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CadenceA,

My new gf knows the situation and is very supportive. She helps a lot and understands. I am not saying that I want to go back with my ex 100%, I just dont know - hence why I ask for advice and it has been very helpful on here. My new gf is not being strung along, I want to have something long term with her and I am doing my very best to be strong and move on but sometimes it is very hard (normal after 4 years I guess). My ex does not know about the new gf. I certainly do not want both women, I am just scared that I may be making the wrong choice. I am worried that my feelings for the ex will never go away and I would have done all I can to move on without success. Perhaps I need to stop pressuring myself and give myself more time. It is not an EGO thing, infact I feel so down about my ex and what she is going through, it kills me. But the reality is (as stated throughout the thread) that she cheated on me, lied to me and treated me bad at times. But as much as I realise that I just cant let go and feel so guilty that she is suffering because she destroyed everything and "lost the love of her life" as she puts it.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

uglybetty1

Thank you, I will check that book out. I have been strong for 6 months now and I am doing all I can to move on. The scary things is that the feelings have not gone away and I am not sure they ever will. I am not saying I will run back but I feel so bad and upset about it all. Expecially the guilt and suffering that she is going through. People tell me to man up and stop being so soft, she deserves all she gets because she treated you so bad. They say they believe my life is so much better now and that going back would be going back to hell that she will be the same despite all she says. Seems as though you had a similar situation so you know how hard it can be to let go. I care so much about her and dont want her to be down, I want her to be happy and feel the only way that will happen is to get back wit her. It will just not go away but of course is made worse when she contacts me saying how damaged and sorry she is. Maybe its because she knows that I am soft and I love her so can say what she wants to get her way. Everyone warns me not to be manipulated but I do not believe it is emotional blackmail, I believe it is the truth.

Did your ex cheat and lie to you aswell? Once, twice?

One thing I forgot to say...You had to keep going back to realsie it will not work so how does one draw the line? For me it took her cheating to draw the line but then again I still think about going back. One has to ask himself if that is the case what would it take to finally move on 100%, perhaps that is not possible and that is what love is.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-11-2012 at 07:58 PM.

 
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Old 06-11-2012, 05:36 PM   #62
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Why haven't you told your ex you have a new girlfriend?

Is it because if you do, SHE may decide to move on and date other men, and you can't tolerate the thought of her deciding she's done with you? You can't bear the thought of her being with another man, right?

I think the ex is the one being strung along. If you weren't trying to prevent her from moving on you'd tell her about the new girlfriend.

You want to be able to choose one or the other, fair enough. You should give both these women the same choice by being completely honest and forthcoming with the both of them.

 
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Old 06-11-2012, 06:52 PM   #63
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

CadenceA,

I have got used to thought of her with another man, she was seeing someone else behind my back for 2 months (including intimacy) when we were together. Finished with me for that guy and now wants me back - cant really top that. She probably is dating other men knowing her and on the odd day when she feels lonely or realises the grass is not greener she gets in touch. She does not need to know about the new gf to move on, she managed to move on when she was with me so cant be that hard without me. However I have not told her to avoid hurting her incase all the things she is saying is the truth and not just emotional blackmail. I mean how can someone claim to love you after doing what she did, actions/words. I am moving on but it is hard and like I said before, made harder by the ex's words.

Thanks for the reply.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-11-2012 at 08:03 PM.

 
Old 07-22-2012, 10:50 PM   #64
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

outlandish,

I googled the words "exgf lied cheated" and found your topic here.
I was in a very similar situation to yours, been with this ex for 5 years, I went abroad as well to be with her just like you went abroad to be with your ex, and I know how it feels, because our ex's both filled us up with a sort of feeling you do not get anywhere else, especially when you're abroad for a long period of time and spending this long period of time with her, it might be hard for you to move on.

Basically what I've done to get over my ex is to literally take control over, and by that I mean I told her to not ever be abusive towards me or talk to me the way she did, I called her a names and I told her she is a manipulator and a liar (your title of your own thread screams out loud lies and cheatings, isn't it?)

I told her I would hack into her Email and FB account and delete all content if she ever dares to mess up with me and I showed her once how I do it and she got scared of me, she even went to the police in the UK (I don't live there now) to file a complaint against me (once I spoke to them they gave us both warnings, they literally called me abroad because of her), but I became more assertive with her and the more I put myself in control over her the more I realized how much she does not love me even one single bit.

I am more than sure that if you put yourself on top of your ex, literally, if you don't let her abuse you or talk to you rubbish, and if she tells you in sweet and soft voice "baby I miss you, I love you, I wanna be with you, I can make you happy, I can make you so happy like no one else" you don't buy this and tell her back, you slept with another guy behind my back, you lied, cheated to me, slammed the door on my face at 2am, and this is not love, this is crap", and tell her that you do not tolerate lies and cheatings and do not, I repeat, DO NOT be soft or kind towards her, never repeat that mistake.

Girl like this is a girl you need to be mean to her just like she was to you, do not let her fall into trap again, you gotta be in a position where she would never ever treat you like this or be abusive towards you.
If you are able to be in that position then you would see her real face, and you would not want to be with her anymore.

I don't want to be with my ex anymore, I don't trust her not even by a bit, I trust a stranger more than I trust her, I have so much hate inside for wasting years of my life on that girl, I just hope she would have nothing but miserable life for the rest of her life, I can only wish her bad and nothing good, and I hope she would get what she deserves.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-23-2012 at 07:11 AM. Reason: Swearing/inappropriate/don't post unapproved website links, or recommend Internet searches, per Posting Policy. Thanks.

 
Old 07-23-2012, 01:28 PM   #65
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Quote:
Originally Posted by outlandish View Post
Hi,

I have posted 2 threads in this forum over the past 4 years. Both were about my girlfriend and how out of order she has been. Read up if you like but I will summarise:

1. Got together in my country England

2. Spent 2 years together in England whilst I finished University and agreed to move to her hometown in France after. A rocky 2 years where she was abusive both physically and verbally, managing to fall out with most of my friends and family members.

3. I left my hometown to be with her in her country (despite numerous warnings on this site and from friends and relatives). She refused to stay in my country and wanted to be with her friends/family/environment and I was willing to try it.

4. Spent 2 years in her hometown in France living with her parents. I got along with them just fine and all her friends and family like me. Our relationship was ok, although I was homesick at times but still managed to start my own business and settle in somewhat. Basically she was doing her life and what she wanted and I was just there (thats what it felt like at times).

5. She told me 4 months ago she needed time and space! I thought that it was a great idea and that I would come home to England and think about where my life was going there and go back with a new perspective on us, the same as I thought she would take a fresh look at us, all positive.

6. HOW WRONG AND GULLIBLE WAS I LOL! She needed the time and space because she had met someone else (who worked in a DIY store) and from the day I left contacted this person everyday and slept with him and saw him for almost 2 months before telling me, the whole time keeping me hanging on in England thinking we were getting back together.

7. During the "time and space" I sent 12 roses to her work place, visited her in France as a surprise only to be sent home the next day saying she needs more time and space, sent her hundreds of pounds worth of xmas presents only for her to say she wants nothing from me and make me cry on xmas day.

8. After months of torture (no sleep, thinking, her stringing me on like it would be ok) and lies (saying she was at a girl friends, no replies to my txts/emails) she finished with me, saying some harsh things. 3 days later she gives me 100s of missed calls and txts saying it was a mistake.

9. After a while I get back to her and agree to meet her to talk about things. She finally spills the beans and out of instinct I say I forgive her (dont think I do) and we come to an agreement to get back together but I come home and take my time. One day she says take your time, the next she says dont bother to come back. She even saw the guy again which I had to lie to get the truth from her about. She said it was to finish with him - yeah right, on a friday night!

10. So, this is where we are at, do I go back after what she has done to me or not??!! I have started to settle back in at home and all my family and friends think it is crazy to even think about going back....

So, she is a liar for months, a cheater and has a history of doing bad things such as kicking me out in a country that I have nobody really to turn to with my luggage at 2am, physically attacking me, insulting my friends and family, doing what she wants regardless what I say or think, spoke in a sexual nature to another guy on messenger a year ago, loses her temper over nothing, etc, etc.... BUT, I love her and could easily go back to her tomorrow..WHY!?

GUYS reading this, trust me this is what happens when you are nice to someone and they take advantage of you, hence why good guys finish last. Could you forgive this betrayal?

P.S. In 4 years I didnt even kiss another a girl.


Woah!! I would never go back out with her!! Why can't I find a guy like you?!? I posted on here, "How could this happened?" about my terrible breakup that just happened two weeks ago. He lied to me all the time and I bent over backwards for him because I loved him. I gave him my heart and soul and now it's in a million pieces. I haven't heard or seen him since. We BOTH deserve much better! I wish I had a guy that treated me how you treated her. I never cheated or lied to my ex. I never cheated or lied to anyone!! I'm so honest and faithful and always get bad things happen to me. You are a nice guy and deserve a woman that will respect and love you. I'm sorry you wasted those years, but don't waste anymore! I was with my ex for almost 7 months and the whole time he told me he loved me and how we were meant to be. It's was all lies and now I finally see it! One day the right person will come to us. Don't settle for less! That is my problem and I refuse to settle for less anymore! I know you are heartbroken and so am I, but we will get through this. Stay strong!

 
Old 07-27-2012, 06:29 AM   #66
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Well, it has been 7 months since she lied and cheated after asking for time and space to see someone else then finished with me only to beg me back ever since. I still dont know what to do as I still think about her all the time and miss her and love her. I cant seem to move on! I was just reading the emails she sent to me when the lying was going on where she claimed to be with friends, family, etc, but was with the guy..where she said I love you and miss you but was with him...That made me feel abit better but I keep thinking about her and still about going back.

 
Old 09-08-2012, 05:38 AM   #67
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Quote:
Originally Posted by outlandish View Post
Well, it has been 7 months since she lied and cheated after asking for time and space to see someone else then finished with me only to beg me back ever since. I still dont know what to do as I still think about her all the time and miss her and love her. I cant seem to move on! I was just reading the emails she sent to me when the lying was going on where she claimed to be with friends, family, etc, but was with the guy..where she said I love you and miss you but was with him...That made me feel abit better but I keep thinking about her and still about going back.
Just ran across your post, wondered how you are making out. I was in a similiar situation as you. Ex cheated on me after 2 years together (one night stand), what I thought was one time, and after 8 mos I took him back. He told me all the things your gal did-- and yes, he dropped 20 lbsm was depressed, etc... He seemed sincerely remorseful and seemed to have really learned his lesson. It took me a long time to trust him again, a VERY long time, but I got there. Fast forward to almost 6 years into the relationship, nearly engaged when I found out he had cheated again. This time I left....for good.

After the breakup, I found out he had actually cheated for the entire 6 years, many one night stands. It was far worse than I had thought. I'm not saying your girl did the same but cheaters and liars tend to get better at hiding. He was on best behavior for a while after we got back together but once the comfort zone set in, he went right back to the cheating. Very hard to catch it too when its one night stands.

Its not the cheating that changed me, its the deception. I cut contact, and he continued contacting me for 18 mos despite not one returned call, email or text from me. People like your ex, and my ex- they dont like being exposed. To save their reputation, they show sorrow and remorse and figure if you will talk to them, take them back, etc.. then they aren't as bad of a person as they feel, or appear to others.

My opinion is, even if she's sincere and you go back- things will never be the same. Trust me. You will find reason to doubt things and its no way to live. I hadn't even realized I was doing this, and I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was the last 4 years, until I cut complete contact. Its been 3 years now- sure I miss him. But its really the person I thought he was that I miss. The liar, the cheater- well that wasn't the guy I loved. But it turned out that WAS the guy I loved.

Cut complete contact. It could take a few years to get her out of your system, you were together a long time. My ex would still take me back in heartbeat after all this time, but I lost respect and trust and no matter what I feel- I can never give 100% after cheating. Once you cut contact for a year, you will see things even more clearly than you do now.

Hope you are doing well. Stay strong. They say it takes half the time of the relationship, to really get over it. If that's true, its about 2+ years for you. It will go fast and you'll be a better person in the end for it.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 04:13 AM   #68
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Thank you for taking the time to reply and sorry about your ex doung that to you.

Well it has nearly been a year now and I still think of her all day and night, I miss her like crazy, I miss us, the things we did together, everything. I still love her and think of going back to her but I havent yet. Infact she contacted me today saying how much she misses me and is trying to be strong but finds it very hard and wishes we could get back together, she loves me so much, cant enjoy life without me,etc...To be honest I feel exactly the same but I told her the only reason I have not got back with her is because she left me for someone else.

Wish I could move on and forget her, but not going to happen in this lifetime :-(

 
Old 09-11-2012, 06:19 PM   #69
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

No contact. That will help you to move on. But it doesn't seem like you want to move on. Like Gotye says, you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. He's right, isn't he?

I do hope you've broken up with the poor girl you were dating so she can find someone who really does love her and isn't wishing he were with someone else.

 
Old 09-12-2012, 12:35 AM   #70
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

You are such a nice guy. You probably are able to forgive her, but you should ask yourself if you can forget what she has done to you. If the answer is no, you should really move on. My first boyfriend who I dated for more than four years cheated on me for half a year and I had no clue. I decided to break up, but just like you. On and off, we still contacted via email. It was just so hard to keep him out of my mind thinking that there might be possibility if getting back together. I was so sad and lost 7 pounds in one week when I was already skinny and cried many nights. But I didn't think I deserve this. People around me were worried about me. You see, your friends and family are those who really care about you. So I felt like I am responsible to not to make them worried. I decided to change my phone number and stopped contacting with each other in any means. It was hard in the beginning, but having no contact and keeping yourself busy is the best way to avoid thinking of the past. I know you can do it! Wish you the best.

 
Old 09-12-2012, 12:38 AM   #71
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

You are such a nice guy. You probably are able to forgive her, but you should ask yourself if you can forget what she has done to you. If the answer is no, you should really move on. My first boyfriend who I dated for more than four years cheated on me for half a year and I had no clue. I decided to break up, but just like you. On and off, we still contacted via email. It was just so hard to keep him out of my mind thinking that there might be possibility in getting back together. I was so sad and lost 7 pounds in one week when I was already skinny and i cried many nights. But I didn't think I deserve this. People around me were worried about me. You see, your friends and family are those who really care about you. So I felt like I am responsible to not to make them worried. I decided to change my phone number and stopped contacting with each other in any means. It was hard in the beginning, but having no contact and keeping yourself busy is the best way to avoid thinking of the past. I know you can do it! Wish you the best.

 
Old 11-27-2012, 11:26 AM   #72
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

1 year since she asked for time & space because she met someone else who she left me for before begging me back.

I have been strong (if you call it that) to not go back but she is all I think of 24/7!

It's killing me and I cannot move on with my life, these feelings wont go away!

 
Old 01-09-2013, 06:40 AM   #73
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

I would love to chat to you!! Im living in Italy for my partner, of nearly 4 years. Hope everything is ok and you have found an answer to these problems!!

 
Old 01-11-2013, 05:17 PM   #74
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Dont do it, you deserve better!!!!

 
Old 01-18-2013, 05:23 AM   #75
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Re: Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Still feel the same for her, think of her all the time and want to be back with her :-(

 
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