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Old 03-29-2012, 12:22 PM   #1
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Girlfriend of 4 years lied & cheated, wants me back

Hi,

I have posted 2 threads in this forum over the past 4 years. Both were about my girlfriend and how out of order she has been. Read up if you like but I will summarise:

1. Got together in my country England

2. Spent 2 years together in England whilst I finished University and agreed to move to her hometown in France after. A rocky 2 years where she was abusive both physically and verbally, managing to fall out with most of my friends and family members.

3. I left my hometown to be with her in her country (despite numerous warnings on this site and from friends and relatives). She refused to stay in my country and wanted to be with her friends/family/environment and I was willing to try it.

4. Spent 2 years in her hometown in France living with her parents. I got along with them just fine and all her friends and family like me. Our relationship was ok, although I was homesick at times but still managed to start my own business and settle in somewhat. Basically she was doing her life and what she wanted and I was just there (thats what it felt like at times).

5. She told me 4 months ago she needed time and space! I thought that it was a great idea and that I would come home to England and think about where my life was going there and go back with a new perspective on us, the same as I thought she would take a fresh look at us, all positive.

6. HOW WRONG AND GULLIBLE WAS I LOL! She needed the time and space because she had met someone else (who worked in a DIY store) and from the day I left contacted this person everyday and slept with him and saw him for almost 2 months before telling me, the whole time keeping me hanging on in England thinking we were getting back together.

7. During the "time and space" I sent 12 roses to her work place, visited her in France as a surprise only to be sent home the next day saying she needs more time and space, sent her hundreds of pounds worth of xmas presents only for her to say she wants nothing from me and make me cry on xmas day.

8. After months of torture (no sleep, thinking, her stringing me on like it would be ok) and lies (saying she was at a girl friends, no replies to my txts/emails) she finished with me, saying some harsh things. 3 days later she gives me 100s of missed calls and txts saying it was a mistake.

9. After a while I get back to her and agree to meet her to talk about things. She finally spills the beans and out of instinct I say I forgive her (dont think I do) and we come to an agreement to get back together but I come home and take my time. One day she says take your time, the next she says dont bother to come back. She even saw the guy again which I had to lie to get the truth from her about. She said it was to finish with him - yeah right, on a friday night!

10. So, this is where we are at, do I go back after what she has done to me or not??!! I have started to settle back in at home and all my family and friends think it is crazy to even think about going back....

So, she is a liar for months, a cheater and has a history of doing bad things such as kicking me out in a country that I have nobody really to turn to with my luggage at 2am, physically attacking me, insulting my friends and family, doing what she wants regardless what I say or think, spoke in a sexual nature to another guy on messenger a year ago, loses her temper over nothing, etc, etc.... BUT, I love her and could easily go back to her tomorrow..WHY!?

GUYS reading this, trust me this is what happens when you are nice to someone and they take advantage of you, hence why good guys finish last. Could you forgive this betrayal?

P.S. In 4 years I didnt even kiss another a girl.

Last edited by outlandish; 03-29-2012 at 12:39 PM.

 
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:50 PM   #2
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

Do you really need to ask? After all she has done to hurt you, is there really still doubt in your mind about what you should do? In my opinion, no don't take her back. Not now, not ever. You said yourself that you're happier being home around your friends and family so why go uproot that once again for a lying cheater? If you do decide to go then don't be surprised when she does it again and you end up getting hurt again because that's exactly whats going to happen if you follow her again. Guaranteed.

 
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:54 PM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

what exactly do you love about her?
be specific......
is it that you don't think you can get anyone else and you think she's better than nothing? because believe me, nothing would be MUCH better!
you don't need this and i can't understand why you would even be entertaining this thought

 
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Old 03-29-2012, 01:28 PM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

You need to make a clean break. In your very long post there was not one positive comment about your girlfriend. She does not deserve you, what kind of life will you have if you stay with her. Find yourself someone who cares about you.
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Old 03-29-2012, 03:27 PM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

First off, I'm really sorry for all the turmoil you're going through but honestly, you bring much of this on yourself. The best advice I could give you is to re-read your post above and try to be objective. Just read it and give advice as if this was someone else on the web. I'm sure you'll come to the most logical conslusion. She really sounds like a &*#*^ from what you've described and I can't imagine someone wanting to knowingly stepping back into that life. Please do the right thing!

 
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Old 03-30-2012, 02:21 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
Do you really need to ask? After all she has done to hurt you, is there really still doubt in your mind about what you should do? In my opinion, no don't take her back. Not now, not ever. You said yourself that you're happier being home around your friends and family so why go uproot that once again for a lying cheater? If you do decide to go then don't be surprised when she does it again and you end up getting hurt again because that's exactly whats going to happen if you follow her again. Guaranteed.
I need to ask because I still think about her every second of the day, miss her like crazy and love her. I have settled back in at home very well but I believe that the lying cheater will learn from their mistake although I am not sure I can ever forgive or trust them again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
what exactly do you love about her?
be specific......
I love the companionship, the memories we have, the comfort of knowing everything about each other, the little things they do that makes me smile...I tend to only see the good in people despite the bad slapping me in my face all the time. Its not that I cant get someone else because I am quite handsome and intelligent/confident and already have many offers back home. I cant believe I entertain the thought but perhaps it is because I was so dependant on her for 2 years abroad as she was all I really had there.

Thanks for your replies, I remember you replying to my first threads about us a while back.

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Originally Posted by Agenda View Post
You need to make a clean break. In your very long post there was not one positive comment about your girlfriend. She does not deserve you, what kind of life will you have if you stay with her. Find yourself someone who cares about you.
I havent yet made a clean break because I have been unsure and wanting to keep the going back option open. This has made it harder to move on but maybe it is because I dont want to. EVERYONE says she does not deserve me and that I deserve better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whoopee View Post
First off, I'm really sorry for all the turmoil you're going through but honestly, you bring much of this on yourself. The best advice I could give you is to re-read your post above and try to be objective. Just read it and give advice as if this was someone else on the web. I'm sure you'll come to the most logical conslusion. She really sounds like a &*#*^ from what you've described and I can't imagine someone wanting to knowingly stepping back into that life. Please do the right thing!
It was harder back when we first took the time but I am doing ok now thanks... I do bring it on myself by letting her get away with murder time and time again but hopefully this time I will climb out of the abyss (nearly have) and move on.

Let me tell you something though, I do feel sad and sorry for her now. I know she deserves all the pain she gets and goes through but as her partner of 4 years I feel a responsibility to ensure she is happy!

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-06-2012 at 03:56 PM. Reason: Multiple posts merged.

 
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Old 03-30-2012, 06:15 AM   #7
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

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Originally Posted by outlandish View Post
Let me tell you something though, I do feel sad and sorry for her now. I know she deserves all the pain she gets and goes through but as her partner of 4 years I feel a responsibility to ensure she is happy!
outlandish....this SCREAMS co-dependency to me......and I should know because I too am co-dependent.....
please go get the book "co-dependent no more", and don't put it down until you've read it cover to cover

 
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:52 PM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

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Originally Posted by outlandish View Post
I love the companionship (being physically and verbally abused), the memories we have (of being physically and verbally abused and cheated on and lied to), the comfort of knowing everything about each other (knowing that she lies, cheats and abuses you and that she cheats on you the minute your back is turned), the little things they do that makes me smile (and the times she made you feel awful and may even have made you cry)...but perhaps it is because I was so dependant on her for 2 years abroad as she was all I really had there (dependency isn't healthy or good for you!).
Sounds wonderful...NOT!

If you go back, you go back realizing that she will continue to do all of these things and more, because by going back you are telling her that you will not only accept the bad things she says and does, but that you love her because of them! She will continue to abuse you because she'll be convinced you like it.

You believe the lying cheater will learn from their mistakes...but after 4 years she hasn't learned a thing except that you will take all that abuse from her and come back for more.

At least try going out with someone else...perhaps try dating a nice girl??? You might be pleasantly surprised...unless you are one of those people who loves a "drama" relationship, then you'd be bored by a nice, normal, loving and secure relationship.

 
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Old 04-01-2012, 02:35 PM   #9
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

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Sounds wonderful...NOT!

If you go back, you go back realizing that she will continue to do all of these things and more, because by going back you are telling her that you will not only accept the bad things she says and does, but that you love her because of them! She will continue to abuse you because she'll be convinced you like it.

You believe the lying cheater will learn from their mistakes...but after 4 years she hasn't learned a thing except that you will take all that abuse from her and come back for more.

At least try going out with someone else...perhaps try dating a nice girl??? You might be pleasantly surprised...unless you are one of those people who loves a "drama" relationship, then you'd be bored by a nice, normal, loving and secure relationship.
Very well said, thank you for taking the time. It is a perspective I have never taken before and really really helps. I have met a few nice people and could easily make something long term with them. You are right - she has not changed in 4 years and probably needs someone more like her rather than someone like me who is nice. She maybe needs an asshol or someone older who will challenge her and keep her in her place.

Still I am thinking of going back and cant help contacting her. She wants me back, loves me, misses me, etc... I feel sorry for her now and could go back despite ALL ADVICE from family and friends stating otherwise. I know its about being my own man and making my own decisions but when so many people can see how much of a bad idea it does make me think twice.

Cant people change? Because she cheated once and lied to me constantly does this mean it will always happen again? Perhaps she may learn from this!

 
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Old 04-01-2012, 03:54 PM   #10
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

I think the problem with her is that she doesn't care enough to change at this point in her life. And for you to wait around while being tied down in a relationship with her waiting for her to change you are seriously truthfully honestly wasting valuable time that you could have spent with someone who actually made you happy.

Here's something I've learned within the last 2 years since my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He and my mom had all these great plans for how to spend their retirement together. They were going to be really happy but then he got the diagnosis and now all those plans have come to a screeching halt. Now the thing he keeps telling me is "It's later than you think.". Which means that you think you have all this time in the world to waste doing frivolous things like in your case going back for more abuse and heartache thinking you're young and have all this time, but you don't. In reality, the clock is ticking all the time as each day brings you closer to your last. Knowing that, wouldn't you rather spend what time you do have with someone who makes you happy, makes you feel loved and appreciated and good? Or do you want to waste it all, looking back when you're in your 40s or 50s still trapped in a loveless unhappy existence with someone who is abusive and doesn't care about you?

I hope you will think about this. Think about how precious time is and your life is and how once you lose days, months and years spent on worthless people who did nothing to enhance your life it is something you will never get back again. Really think about that a d what it means because you have the choice to go the opposite direction toward happiness and good things or go back to abuse and neglect. The choice is yours but I think you know what the right thing to do is now

 
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Old 04-01-2012, 04:43 PM   #11
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

Kszan,

Thank you that does help to put things into perspective. I know it may not be the right thing to go back but I cant stop thinking about her, she consumes me every second of the day. I love her and it feels like a love that we have built up that will never go away, almost like if I was to have a relationship with anyone else all I will think about is her and that she was the one. People tell me that this just takes time.

My friend said something similar to you - that if I go back and end up having kids with her and get married, eventually I would end up back home, but this time with kids I never see, older, not as handsome, fat, bald, disconnected from friends/family, etc...and will then really be in the s""t.

However I tend to think that if you love someone and feel so strong for them it can be worth sacrificing your own happiness for them! Maybe it is because the pain is fresh and its early but at the end of the day it comes down to one thing.....I would have gone back already if she did not lie to me by saying she needed time and space when really she met someone else and wanted to try them out! I dont think I can forgive that.

We have spoke today via email..the usual: I miss u, I love u, I want u, I need u, etc...she keeps saying she will stop but does not.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-06-2012 at 03:57 PM. Reason: Unnecessary quote removed. It is not necessary to quote the post directly before yours.

 
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:18 PM   #12
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

News flash...that's not love, that's unhealthy obsession and dependence.

Love is supposed to feel good. Love does not include abuse of any form, it does not include lying, cheating and taking advantage of someone.

I'm not sure where you got your fairy tale ideas of love from, but the idea you have that you are supposed to be miserable for the person you love is very twisted.

It's entirely your choice...you seem determined to sacrifice yourself for someone who doesn't care one bit about you. I'm sure you'll go back to her and you'll live in misery for years and years. I hope the idea that you are being a selfless, self-sacrificing person gives you comfort, because this woman sure won't.

 
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:33 PM   #13
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

CadenceA,

I am not saying I will go back and I have set myself up well at home after 2 years living her life in her environment. You could say by cheating she gabe me a get out of jail free card. I just have some pity for her and I know that despite her faults there is a good person inside. I am well aware that if I go back it may be rosy for a few months until the same issues resurface. Its just her begging and pleading has shown me how much she wants me but this may also just be a case of "the dummy out of the pram" and once she has me back will throw me out again. Or, maybe it is a real wake up call for her and her behaviour.

Love is supposed to feel good and at times it did with her but the majority of the time it felt awkard for lack of a better word.

Right now she is depressed because of what she has done and I imagine her in that state and dont want her to be like that although she put me through a bad 2 months whilst she kept me clinging on without me knowing she was seeing someone else. Mosr would say she deserves it and as much as I want to, my heart wont allow me!

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-06-2012 at 03:58 PM. Reason: Unnecessary quote removed. It is not necessary to quote the post directly before yours.

 
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Old 04-01-2012, 07:46 PM   #14
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Re: Girlfriend of 4years lied & cheated, wants me back

I find it interesting that she lied, cheated and abused you physically and verbally...and YOU feel pity for HER! No wonder she wants to hold on to you! There aren't many people out there who accept so much abuse, who even tolerate being thrown out on their ear in a foreign country, and then conclude that they "love" the person who treated them so shabbily! You are also making her happiness your personal responsibility, and that's just not logical.

You do realize that your difficulties in getting past this and away from her are due to your refusal to cut off contact. You CAN help it, there isn't some outside force making you type the text messages and press "send". That's you doing it. You want to hold on for some reason. Maybe it feels good to finally have the upper hand, to finally be the one who is receiving the begging and pleading instead of the one doing it. I'm sure it feels good to read all the I love yous and the I'm sorries.

Let me share my experience...I too was involved with someone who lied and cheated and treated me poorly, so I broke up with him. He begged and begged me back, declaring his love and swearing he couldn't live without me, telling me that he realized I was the one he truly loved. So, I (stupidly) gave him a second chance. After a brief "honeymoon" period, he began to treat me horribly once again. He had learned something all right...he learned that if he said all the right things he could sucker me into coming back. He also learned that he could abuse me and I'd take it...after all, I came back! He even told me that I must like being treated like that because I came back and stayed with him. Well, I broke up with him again...this time for good. I won't be fooled a third time. And I cut off contact, changed my number and moved to a new house so he can't drive by or try to call or text. And it's been a tremendous relief, I don't miss him one bit.

You are absolutely right that if you do decide to go back things will be nice for a few weeks...until she can't tolerate being nice to you anymore and starts abusing you again. And this time it will be worse, because she will know that she can do any horrible thing she feels like doing and you'll come back if she apologizes prettily enough.

I hope you stay strong and don't allow her to sucker you into going back to her. If you truly want your life to be better and stay that way, I recommend you cut off contact. Change your number and don't respond to any emails or messages. If you do that, soon you'll start to recover and you'll wonder why you put yourself through all this torture. Especially when you meet a nice girl who doesn't abuse people.

 
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:00 AM   #15
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Thanks or all the replies, great advice!! If there is any other advice please post or if anyone else wanrts to join the discussion please get involved.

CadenceA,
It's true what you say and I am glad you are responding in this thread because it is helping me to think logically.

I realise I need to cut contact but it is hard, I think about her all the time and I guess I take comfort in having the option of going back there. I dont like her begging and pleading, but I begged and pleaded for months and she did not think twice about putting me through hell before finally slamming the door in my face only to open and close it again.

Your experience is similar but surely some people can learn from such a mistake and never do it again. Maybe thats what it takes for some people to realise what they want. I never ever thought she would cheat and I have lost ALOT of respect for her because of that and the fact she lied to me so much about it.

I HAVE met a nice girl, one who does not like to argue, who is nice and happy all the time, very sociable and friendly, gets along with all my friends and family, is not too opinionated and is beautiful! However, I still think of going back and somtimes cannot give the new start 100% because of the past 4 years. Even at times I feel myself acting like my ex and think god, what am I saying and doing!! Guess thats what 4 years of conditioning does!! This girl is the complete opposite of my ex and if I go back I will probably lose this opportunity for good.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-06-2012 at 03:59 PM.

 
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