Or, in this case, cousin. My boyfriend is almost 26 and has a 16 year old cousin. Recently, they call each other "big bro" and "lil sis," and talk a lot and are pretty close. I never thought anything of it until he left his phone on a table when in the middle of writing a text to her. I saw the word "cuddles," which I thought was odd. I didn't say anything and I didn't look further. They've recently been talking on the phone a lot more, and whenever I come into the room (we live together, have been together for 6 years), he will stop talking or tell her to hold on, then leave the room. He's never done that before when on the phone with anyone else.
Tonight, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through his phone. This never ends well, I know. He sends her a lot of, in my opinion, overly affectionate texts. He writes things like *cuddles* *holds you tight* *cuddles my lil sis* They went to a family party recently, and he said they should have cuddled. He also calls her cutie and says she's in his thoughts, which she responded to by asking if he messaged the wrong person. He said he meant it to be nice, not creepy. But he continued on with the affectionate messages. It's eerie, considering he used to send similar texts to me in the past. She doesn't reciprocate it much - she will occasionally reply with *cuddles* or *snuggles* but most of her texts are normal. She has a boyfriend and mostly complains about him. She commented that she liked my boyfriend's beard and he said he would remember that.
Now, am I crazy or is this weird and inappropriate behavior? I'm pretty disturbed. I wouldn't be okay with him talking to another girl like this but I also wouldn't freak out, but he's writing these things to a 16 year old who he calls his little sister... who is related to him. Offering a hug would be one thing, but he wants to cuddle her? Eh?
I woke up him up and tried to gently approach it. He said he didn't think anything of talking to her like that. I commented that he used to text me like that, and he said, "I never called you cutie." I said, "exactly, I found that odd." He said that she is weird, but I pointed out that he's almost always the one sending those affectionate texts. I asked if he likes her and he said no, they're just friends. I told him that it'd still be worrisome if he talked to a 16 year old friend like that. He fell back to sleep, so I let it go. If it were a one time thing, it wouldn't bother me. But on top of the many relationship problems we've been having lately (I don't have the energy to get into that), I almost want to end the relationship so I don't have to deal with the weirdness or feel funny whenever I see him texting. I'm not jealous, just... y'know, what the hell?
What do I do? We'll probably discuss this more tomorrow, but I saw what I saw and it disturbed me a bit. It's going to be hard to shake this feeling, especially when he probably won't have any good justification of it besides "I didn't think it was bad." So... what do I do? Am I overreacting? Should I ask him to stop writing to her like that? If it matters, he has no sisters, just a younger and older brother.
Last edited by furiousangel; 04-25-2012 at 03:21 AM.
I find it wierd and not appropiate.. I am suprised she is still writeing to him. Wouldnt you find it wierd if your brother or uncle or any family member wrote you like that? Or even a guy who was that much older than you and trying to be your friend? I would ask him to stop if it bugs you.
The Following User Says Thank You to waywardson For This Useful Post: furiousangel (04-25-2012)
nope you're not over-reacting.....it is highly inappropriate and creepy
not to mention crossing a legal boundry.....does he want to end up on the sex-offender registry list? an adult sending inappropriate texts to a minor family member could get him there
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post: furiousangel (04-25-2012)
It's creepy and gross and if it were me, I'd break up with him because that is not normal behavior. I would not be able to look at him without thinking how gross he is and I couldn't even look at him anymore. I don't know how you can stand it.
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: furiousangel (04-25-2012)
Ditto from me! My ex-H was like that with our female exchange students. The mild "flirting" behavior slowly evolved into wrestling with them on the floor, etc. The girls thought nothing of it, of course, and were very close to me. But it bothered me immensely and I stayed on top of things, monitoring to make sure nothing actually crossed the line or they weren't made to feel uncomfortable. That along with other issues eventually put an end to the marriage.
That type of behavior made me worry that younger girls turn him on, and that he no longer does those things (or in your case, texts those things to you) with me because I've gotten older.
The Following User Says Thank You to BigRed54 For This Useful Post: furiousangel (04-25-2012)
that's not ok... i have had similiar experiences and it always lead to worse. your boyfriend is almost 26 you said? that means when he was 20 his little cousin was 10. he sounds kind of sick to me. his flirtatious conversations with her definatly hint that he is interested in her. if you dont decide to break up with him i highly suggest you keep an eye on him. you hinted at more relationship problems with him? i suspect they have to do with him doing wrong things like flirting, talking to other females etc.... you can do better there are lots of men out there.
The Following User Says Thank You to Twisted Metal For This Useful Post: furiousangel (04-25-2012)
Thank you, everyone, for your insight and advice. We discussed it and he agreed that his behavior was inappropriate and he will stop. He called himself crazy and was very embarrassed and remorseful. He said he liked the attention, which didn't make me feel any better. I'm a very affectionate person, so I'm not sure why he needed attention from elsewhere... especially from his young cousin. I'm weary and still creeped out, but I'm keeping an eye on him. He's being very open and encourages me to look at his phone. His conversations with his cousin have been more normal, but she is still sending "cuddle" messages occasionally. He's been talking to her less and this seems to be upsetting her. He's not sure if he should tell her to stop sending messages like that and apologize if he gave her the wrong impression (and possibly cause more drama - she is a very dramatic teen), or if he should just leave it alone and steer future conversations away from that kind of talk. I don't know what to tell him. This is not something I'm ever going to be able to understand.
Originally Posted by Twisted Metal
you hinted at more relationship problems with him? i suspect they have to do with him doing wrong things like flirting, talking to other females etc....
Actually, no. That's one thing that's never really been an issue.
You are right to keep an eye on this. He has told you he will curb it, and I'm sure he will - until the need arises in him again for attention. From her, or from some other source. This need for attention is something he needs to figure out and deal with or it WILL crop up again. With all of the options available nowadays, it is so easy for people to become entrenched in an emotional "affair" on the Internet or via text.
As far as his niece, I would say that for now he should simply respond (less and less) to her in a normal uncle fashion, ignore anything from her that seems inappropriate or leading, and eventually she'll move on as she's not getting what she somehow needs from him.
The Following User Says Thank You to BigRed54 For This Useful Post: furiousangel (04-28-2012)