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Old 04-25-2012, 06:50 PM   #1
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Unhappy should i stay or should i go??

Hello,

Iím a 29 year old female with 2 little girls from a previous marriage. Iíve been with my current bf for 9 months. Heís 26. Weíre head over heels for each other and have an amazing bond. By the end of the first month he asked us to move in with him & by the third month he proposed to me. I told him I would think about it.

Heís not employed. He assists his mom at her job & she pays him just enough to make his rent. But thatís really the least of my worries. He has a crippling anxiety disorder. He says its his reason for not getting another job, nor his drivers license, why he doesnít go out with me to places, and drinks excessively when around friends. I told him that if he managed to get all that under control then we can move on together and he said he would, starting with seeing a doctor & getting on meds. In early March, he finally did but after two days he quit taking it saying he didnít like the way it made him feel. He never asked her for anything else or even paid her another visit. Since, he has shown extreme emotional instability (temper tantrums, overreacts for miniscule things, manipulates, very irritable, etc). It has created a lot of stress on our relationship. I havenít brought up the fact that he hasnít done his part because I donít want to add anymore ďpressureĒ on him, although he keeps reminding me that he will but does nothing about it. Despite his shortcomings, we love spending time together, but when he is unhappy, our relationship suffers deeply.

He overreacted over nothing Saturday, and canceled our date to go drink with his friends. He missed work the next day, and never answered my texts. He has never done that to me. Since Monday, he has texted me over 100 times asking me for forgiveness, saying how stupid he is and how he made a mistake by overreacting. He says he will get his life in order for us and doesnít want to live without me. The problem is, Iíve heard him say this before. I havenít responded for that reason. Iím considering taking time apart and not speaking to him at allÖnot because Iím withdrawing or want to be spiteful, but because I want him to know how much he hurt me and how serious I am about this. I have given him chances for his uncontrollable outbursts and I feel this is the only way to get through to him.. if my words donít get through to him, perhaps my absence will? I just donít know if Iím going about this the right way or if I should lay it down once and for all Ö
ďIf you love me, this is your opportunity to show meĒ. I will be clear that there are no guarantees Iíll take him back unless I see progress. I want to make the right decision. I want a healthy relationship with this person, he says he wants that more than anything. What should I do?

Thanks for the help

 
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:55 PM   #2
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

You have been more patient than most people. Now it is time for him to step up. He won't do that while the relationship survives in spite of it. Show him that you are serious. Don't just withdraw, tell him clearly and give a timeframe. For example, three months on medication or in continuing therapy, before you return to the relationship. He must decide on his own whether you are worth the effort. That can't happen while he still has you. Follow through, if you give in, then he won't believe that you are serious.

 
Old 04-25-2012, 10:17 PM   #3
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

Hiya, I agree with seraph about just not responding but for the reason this guy dose have mental health issues and somthing like that will really cause him of lot problems that he will struggle to cope with it and will most certainly cause him great anxitity.

The question is, do you feel this is the life you want for you and your 2 children, can you see a happy future together as a family, are you happy together?

The way i would deal with it or have done it the past. You and him need to sit down on your own and you gotta tell him what you want and tell him what you would like from the future and if he cannot or does not want the same path then theirs your answer.
If he would like the same but the issues are holding him back then you make clear that he needs to address these and sort him self out or their is no future together.

Just be honest and open with him and let him be honest to. He may feel he is being pressured their may be concerns from his side which made him do what he did ( its a typical man thing we do lol )

I wouldnt over react, but it appears its time for ending the games and a honest open chat is required.

Best of luck
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:48 PM   #4
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

i understand and thank you! i will meditate on it for the next few days and allow time to do its thing. if itís meant to be, itís meant to be, right? after listening to what you two had to say, i agree that i should temporarily, (at the very least) remove myself from the picture.


i know itís a tad dramatic to not communicate but i dont want to have to remind him of what to do. i do believe it is time he takes responsibility for his own actions and decisions. maybe in the near future when i feel ready i will sit down with him and have that talk as you both suggested. i cant expect him to be a mind reader but we have been through this before and dont want to start another cycle. i dont want to sound repetitive, either. i will meditate on it.

 
Old 04-26-2012, 05:36 AM   #5
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

While you're meditating on it, consider what he brings to the relationship, if anything. From your post it appears as though you are bringing everything while he just brings non stop drama and shenanigans. You do have 2 kids to think about who are dependent on you. While you are meditating on this, think also about whether having a mentally ill and unstable boyfriend is a healthy role model for your kids and if you want to continue exposing them to his nonsense any longer. You have a choice here but they don't, so I would really think long and hard about how this guy is affecting your kids. That needs to be a priority above your own feelings about it.

 
Old 04-26-2012, 07:00 AM   #6
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

you say you want to have a healthy relationship with this guy......i'm sorry but that's just not possible.....
you've heard the old saying, you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear?

 
Old 04-26-2012, 01:58 PM   #7
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

Sounds to me like you're loving him mostly for who you want him to be and who you hope he will be one day, not who and what he is right now. That almost never works.

 
Old 04-26-2012, 02:34 PM   #8
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Sounds to me like you're loving him mostly for who you want him to be and who you hope he will be one day, not who and what he is right now. That almost never works.
Well there lays the problem. He didn't demonstrate these behaviors till just a few months ago. In the beginning, he showed maturity, and dependibility. He had 2 jobs, would compromise often and never lost his temper. I feel he's capable of controlling himself because he's shown me he can. So
its not a matter of who he will be one day, i dont think that far ahead. Its a matter of him being the person i know he is.

 
Old 04-26-2012, 06:02 PM   #9
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

But how about the fact that your children have to see him acting like that? It's not good for them.

When we become parents we have to do what's best for our kids, never mind about what we want. So think about how this drama is affecting your kids and make a good decision based on what's best for them.

 
Old 04-27-2012, 09:18 AM   #10
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

He is a grown man. Grown people don't ever fundamentally change. I've never seen it happen.

 
Old 04-27-2012, 11:28 AM   #11
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

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Originally Posted by trystme View Post
He is a grown man. Grown people don't ever fundamentally change. I've never seen it happen.
I've seen it happen with all the men in my life.. my ex husband, our baby was born and we were still living at his parents house. he had $0 dollars to his name, no job, attached to his mother (and she was the one who would create most of our problems), and would focus all his attention towards his band. one day i finally picked up and left, moved back to my moms. didnt contact him for a month. by the end of that month he found a loan officer job and got us a very nice apartment in a different city. He was able to change.


my best friend, I've known him for almost 15 years. He was always a slacker, spent 6 years in a community college. didnt care about anything but video games. he'd sleep every day away. he met someone. they were together for a year before she threatened to leave him if he didnt start a career soon. he did. today he is a registered nurse.

my brother- really bad anger problems. his wife would suffer tremendously. he would get extremely angry over the smallest things, kinda like my boyfriend except my bf doesnt yell. she began to liberate herself a bit and started doing her own thing. he felt so afraid to lose her that something happened to him where he was just able to stop himself before he became drastically angry. i dont know how but the change was so extreme. theyve been happily married for 15 years.



i believe men can change. my boyfriends' love for me is irrefutable. i know that most of our problems are due to his fear of failure and insecurities/anxieties about life. up until now, the people around him (his family and friends) have done nothing but enable his lifestyle. he knows this to an extent, and he's smart, so i have faith in him. and if it doesnt happen, it simply was not meant to be, but that doesnt change what i have witnessed and experienced.

 
Old 04-27-2012, 05:56 PM   #12
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

But what about what's best for your kids? What about how this man's behavior affects them?

 
Old 04-27-2012, 06:16 PM   #13
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Re: should i stay or should i go??

You've only dated the guy for 9 months and already all if this has happened? Is 9 months with a guy who creates so much drama in your life more important than the well being and upbringing of your kids? I see single moms make this same mistake all the time and the people who end up suffering over it are the kids, every time.

 
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