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Old 05-08-2012, 12:29 AM   #1
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Unhappy Hoping to get some advice on a long distance relationship that just isn't working..

Hi
I was hoping to get some advice from some of your knowledgable folks on a very confusing relationship I am in. I think some background info is required for everyone to understand...
I started dating my boyfriend 3 years prior in very unique circumstances...I was studying abroad, and was there for 5 years. I had no family or friends and was doing a very tough professional course. My boyfriend and his family, at the time really took me in. I lived in a cramped hostel and once our relationship got a bit serious, I was over at his place all the time and was given home cooked meals and whatnot. you can see why i feel indebted to him and his family...
i came back home in aug 2011, while he was still in his country. right before i left we had a biiiiiiig problem, something i could have never fathomed, seeing by that point i was living with him and his family in their home. he had gone on trip with his friends to thailand in march 2011, and apparently, met a bunch of girls. now he tells me he never cheated, and i do believe him, however i did find a few flirty emails from him to a girl that he had met there. i have had his email password forever, mostly to help him with emailing documents and such. i just happened to look at his sent msg for some important documents and i found it. i never have "snooped" before. judging from the emails, i believe he didn't sleep with her, but his explaination was that he was just seeing if he still had it in him to make a girl interested in him. seduce a girl, so to say. he apologized and cried and all that crap, but of course my trust had been broken.
as i was leaving in the next few days, i felt this matter never really got resolved. i was honestly paranoid for a long time. i would check his email and ask him stupid questions about people on facebook, and this is not in my personality AT ALL.
in jan of 2012, he is in the USA doing his masters. since jan, he has been avoiding talking to me. he tells me that this is due to the fact his course is very time consuming and he doesnt have the time to talk for long periods of time. he rarely calls or skypes, never emails, and i have to fight with him to reply to my texts. when we do talk, it is for max 5 mins at a time. and in those 5 minutes all we do is fight, pretty much about how he never calls or msgs and he responds about how busy he is, and how stressed he is with school. you can imagine the toll it has had on us romantically. i am fed up, but i feel so obliged to stay with him through his so called "stressful and tough time" as he does his masters, because of how him and his family helped me those 2 years abroad. i am stressed and ****** and i have huge board exams coming up. being with him is terrible, but breaking it off seems just as bad. i feel like i couldnt cope with a break up with my exams coming up, but i cant cope with being treated like this...what should i do?

 
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Old 05-08-2012, 12:59 AM   #2
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Re: Hoping to get some advice on a long distance relationship that just isn't working

This is easy..talk to him about it, sure, but put this whole relationship on the back burner while you both are so committed elsewhere. If you are meant to be together, it will survive. Everything is against your working on the relationship for both of you. You need to get the trust issues sorted out and you cannot devote the time and energy to this at the moment. Both step back and get your stuff in order then see what is there. You are hamsters on a wheel as things are. Sera

 
Old 05-08-2012, 01:31 AM   #3
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Re: Hoping to get some advice on a long distance relationship that just isn't working

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
This is easy..talk to him about it, sure, but put this whole relationship on the back burner while you both are so committed elsewhere. If you are meant to be together, it will survive. Everything is against your working on the relationship for both of you. You need to get the trust issues sorted out and you cannot devote the time and energy to this at the moment. Both step back and get your stuff in order then see what is there. You are hamsters on a wheel as things are. Sera
thanks sera for the reply, what you said actually makes a lot of sense. that is definately the smart thing to do, as stressing about it is just taking time away from my studying and causing us to fight alot. however i do have another question that if i could get your opinion on....would it be a good idea to take a break and maybe date other people? to tell you the truth, because of all the trust issues and the fact we haven't physically seen each other in 9 months, and the fact i have no idea when i will see him physically again, it seems a little hopeless. honestly, he was not just my boyfriend, but my friend, someone i could confide in. seeing i am back in my hometown after 5 years, i have lost contact with pretty much all of my old friends. i feel really lonely, as it seems like i have no friends at this point, and my one friend i had, my boyfriend, isn't there anymore. i know the best thing to do is to go out and make new friends and try and reconnect with old ones, but do you feel that maybe taking some time out of this relationship as well is a good idea? i have been with him since i was 21, in an entirely different situation, where i was literally dependant on him...and also, any coping mechanisms for acutally putting this on the backburner? i am a ocd in that regard, if i make a decision to stop thinking about something or stop calling or msg for example, i will keep checking my phone and email to see if i get a call or msg, it is really quite hard to me to let go in that sense...

 
Old 05-08-2012, 01:42 AM   #4
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Re: Hoping to get some advice on a long distance relationship that just isn't working

It may be a good idea to move the relationship into the "best friends" mode if you are both OK with this. Dating others is the sort of thing where boundaries and ground rules are quite important, if you are wishing to pick things up again.
This is something you should both arrange with each other. Who knows, perhaps you are natural brother/sister type friends and your problems are in part due to trying to make it something else. Just a thought, cheers, Sera

 
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