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Old 05-17-2012, 11:41 PM   #1
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Help... is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

Hey all, I just got out of a fight with my boyfriend of 6 years and I need some advice. I have been with him for 6 years....2 years, followed by a break of a year then 4 years. The break up was originally because I was not being treated the way I felt I deserved but we got back together when I felt he got his act back together.
Anyhoo...I always wanted to marry this guy. It was all I ever wanted. I did my best to keep him happy and help him become the man he is today. I realize that I could be a little difficult to deal with because I am a great arguer. The problem is that after 6 years of being long distance with him i finally got a job to be near to him and I got scared. I kinda gave up my dream occupation to be close to him so I am afraid I may have given up too much for something that may not pan-out. Here is why....
I had to fight with him constantly for a long time to try to get him to propose to me and I mean struggle. At one point he told me he was saving up for one just to shut me up because it was not true (he actually told me this himself). Then I finally gave him an ultimatum probably in February that if I don't have a ring by the time I graduate next month (June) I'm gone. He actually started to save for real this time. WHen he heard that I got the job near to him he became different...all of a sudden he was so eager to get married and happy and this is a month after he told me that if I don't end up in Maryland then we may not be together. Other smaller things that are wrong is that he still holds our break up 4 years ago over my head and he plays this victim like nothing bad happened to me and I felt nothing. Then during the break up he gave his virginity to someone else (but I kept mine) and then I gave mine to him when we got back together to prove to him that I really wanted to be with him (I know this was a horrible motivator). I was a strong Christian and I felt guilty over sex everyday since and it seemed like I was never actually getting closer to the weding day. Now in my heathen ways I am now curious as to what it would be like with other people. So now that those points were covered now to the meat of the situation....

In April I had three weeks off in which I stayed at his place in Maryland. We were already discussing our issues and were not on greatest terms and then his mother, brother and cousin came to spend a week. Imagine 5 people in a one bedroom apartment. I was really sick too, couldnt breathe, miserable, and with fever the day before. He and the two young kids started to play video games immediately and it was midnight and I was tired after the 8 hours of driving we did to pick them up in NY and get them back to MD. I went into the room to sleep. He dragged me out of the bed to sleep on the couch (which was still occupied fyi) because his mother was going to sleep there. I had to sleep on the couch, go to bed late, to video games and wake up to two kids playing video games before I got up. It was terrible. It didnt help that the mother doesnt show them that this is no manners. When I ask how come I have to sleep on the couch but his mother is too good for the couch he says that he has to take care of his mother or that is how I would treat older people, and I am selfish. I feel like some ***** who it doesnt matter if I have privacy cuz I have no rights. We tried having sex one night and his brother walked in on us. Then he is so gentle to his mother but he went psychotic on me in front of his family. His computer lost a button then he went on a tirade on how I treat his stuff like sh** and I dont care and I am so dirty and etc....in front of his family. All I could do was leave. If I am to marry him I want to be treated with respect. I want a man who would not humiliate me in front of his family like that and who would stand up for me and say that I am sick and I need some rest and privacy. I want someone who would think that the couch is beneath me too. He sees nothing worng with what he did and said that if he had to do it 10000 times over he would not change a thing. Do I have any argument here or am I just psycho?
He tells me that I am selfish but I was home with them all day and took them and and entertained them while he was at work or playing soccer at night. His mother does not really speak to me so I did not have an intelligent conversation for a week and then after I had discussed with his mother that I did not like a certain type of food she made a huge dinner the next day that was made up of only the food I did not eat. HE defended her....he said it was just something she makes. Am I right for having any reservations about this guy? I feel like I come last to him. When I was living in another state I came down to see him on a weekend and I spent the Saturday night, his birthday, all alone in his apartment because his friens wanted boys' night so I got left behind. The biggest waste of a 5 hour greyhound ride next to a smelly guy. I cant even come before his friends (who live in the same state). I feel beneath everyone. I just want to know if there is any validity to what I feel because he makes me feel like I am crazy for thinking these things. Am I just having jitters?

PS I did not break his computer button. And his mother is a caterer and has cooking classes so she had other options of meals to prepare.

 
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Old 05-18-2012, 01:27 AM   #2
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Exclamation Re: Help...is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

Run like heck!! He abused you in front of his family, and they said nothing?? Please do not settle for this jerk. And don't settle for someone you had to force to propose. This relationship has very little potential for happiness. Unless you want to spend your life "raising" him, forget it. It sounds like you are trying to build a partner out of very inferior materials, and you will never be able to trust that it will hold. You will end up nagging constantly, you already show signs of this, and it is not a good look. You will e a second-class citizen in that family. Sera

 
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Old 05-18-2012, 06:56 AM   #3
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Re: Help...is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

yes yes yes there is absolute validity to your feelings and I agree....run like heck.....he's trying to gaslight you....there is even a book about it called "the gaslight effect". it's when someone tries to get you to doubt your own perception of reality......
get rid of this clown, he's just never gonna make you happy

 
Old 05-18-2012, 01:04 PM   #4
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Re: Help...is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

Thanks for the responses. I do agree with the gaslight thing...never heard of it before but it makes sense after I looked into it. I spoke to him again about it and this time he told me that he would give the bed to his mother cuz she is older and he believes guests should be as comfortable as possible. After that he said that he needs some time to think and he left the conversation. WHat really sucks is that when he was unemployed, against all of my morals, I let him live with me for 4 months while I cooked and cleaned and paid the bills. How the heck do I run? I invested so much time and effort. I feel like I wont get anyone better at the end of the day. I need therapy

 
Old 05-18-2012, 02:08 PM   #5
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Re: Help...is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

being by yourself would be better......

 
Old 05-18-2012, 03:14 PM   #6
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Re: Help...is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

"How the heck do I run? I invested so much time and effort."

How much more time and effort do you want to invest in a guy who puts you last, treats you badly in front of his family and who doesn't seem that keen to marry you? If he wanted to marry you he would decide that on his own but if you have to pressure someone or give them ultimatums it's not what they truly want. When things get tough he will bring that up that he didn't want to marry you in the first place and that you forced him into it. I think you should run as fast as you can from this because if things are this bad now, they will just get worse after you marry and you have so many issues with how he treats you but you won't change that and you won't change him.

 
Old 05-18-2012, 04:41 PM   #7
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Re: Help...is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

I never understand the arguement for staying in a bad relationship because time has been invested. If you bought a dress that didn't fit wouldn't you take it back? Or would you argue "I invested $200 in this dress so I have to wear it even though it's way too tight"??? Why does it make sense to pour even more time into a bad relationship? "Invested" time shouldn't mean a lifetime jail sentence of misery and bad treatment.

It sounds like what you HAVE invested is a lot of wasted time trying to mold this guy into who you want him to be. You list traits that you want in a man, so why not find a man who already has those traits? This guy isn't going to "change" into the man you want and need.

 
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Old 05-19-2012, 06:02 AM   #8
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Re: Help... is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

You've gotten some excellent advice, Confufled. What you do with it is up to you, but like they say, only you know what you want, and only YOU will be unhappy if you don't get it. "I can't leave him because I've invested so much time and effort into this and because I won't find anyone better" is NOT an argument for staying in a bad relationship. It's an argument for why you need to work on your self esteem. You have already compromised your values and morals and have given up your dream career for this man who still treats you badly. This is not love. And he will only continue to make you miserable as long as you let him.

 
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Old 05-20-2012, 02:45 AM   #9
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Re: Help... is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

You guy are definitely on to something here. Thank you everyone for the help, you have given me a lot to process. I have no idea how to handle the situation and we are long distance right now so I miss him already. I have to figure it out. I would like to find out one more thing for future reference. I tend to be the one to call him but he doesnt tend to do that often and would save it for before he goes to bed. I tell him that he needs to call earlier but he then says that , its not a big deal what time he calls cuz I don't have a job (yet) and we should not have to speak everyday. Is this normal for a guy to say?

 
Old 05-20-2012, 02:54 AM   #10
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Re: Help... is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

I don't know about "normal" but it certainly reflects the view that he doesn't consider that you are as valuable to him as whatever he is doing earlier. The point is not the time as such, but his dismissive response to your asking him to do something differently for you. I still say run like heck. Life is too short to be with someone so indifferent to your feelings. Rose is right, you are better off on your own than in this relationship. Sera

 
Old 05-20-2012, 08:38 AM   #11
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Re: Help... is there something wrong with us or is it just me?

That's just one more example of how this guy isn't right for you. You want a man who will make you more of a priority, and this guy doesn't. And he's not going to "change", and, well, he shouldn't!

Like I've said before, if a man needs to "change" to be right for you, he's wrong for you.

I think the best thing to "invest" time in is yourself, so you can realize that you don't need to stay stuck to someone who's wrong for you.

 
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