My boyfriend and I are expecting our first child together and things seem to get rockier between us every day. We are always yelling at each other and fighting over absolutely everything. His anger always seems to flare up and it is starting to scare me. I don't understand how I make him this angry. He yells in my face and tells me to "shut up". He broke the hanging mirror on our bedroom door when he slammed the door. Glass went everywhere. He has even grabbed me and touched me in ways that are abusive. A couple of months ago he held me down by the throat. I have told him multiple times that he needs to get help with his anger. I don't know how else to tell him. It is seriously hurting our relationship. I am getting afraid to stand up for myself. Especially now that I am pregnant, I have a child to protect also. What do I do to get to the root of his anger and find out what is causing it? How can I get him the help he needs before he seriously hurts me and damages our relationship forever?
I wish there were easy answers. The truth is, there is nothing you can do. It's all up to him. What you CAN do is make a decision as to whether or not this is a safe relationship for you and your baby-to-be. Best wishes...
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to slenderella For This Useful Post: bluejay44 (06-08-2012), kenzibenzi (06-08-2012)
Never mind trying to understand him, get out of there now and go and stay at your mother's or somewhere. You cannot have this going on while you are pregnant. He is violent and it is only a matter of time before he really hurts you. There are many women whose partner became physically violent for the first time during her pregnancy. Please please do not stay and let this happen! Any man who lays hands on a pregnant woman is a violent abuser and you must protect yourself and your baby. Sera
The Following User Says Thank You to Seraph For This Useful Post: kenzibenzi (06-08-2012)
Hi I agree with Seraph, I would get out of it now some partners are abused until there are severe injuries or even loss of life. I would get the police to be with you while packing things if necessary and get out of the house. Some places have battered women's resources to help get out and the police should be able to help a person get out. They call it a type of underground for battered women. Some women if afraid like this pack a suitcase ahead of time while he is not home to get ready to leave. However the wait for this in the meantime could be dangerous and what if he walks in while it is being done? I wish the best but this is not a friend a friend does not mistreat someone even if angry and this is not how a person should have to live life for the rest of their life. sjb
The Following User Says Thank You to sjb For This Useful Post: kenzibenzi (06-08-2012)
Can you ask your father, a brother, a cousin or a male friend to be with you when you move out?
I write this assuming you realize that you can't "get him help" and you can't convince him to get help. I'm willing to bet he says it's your fault he gets so angry. Or, he tells you he's soooo sorry, then does it again a few days or a couple of weeks later. And you can't find out what causes his anger because he'll probably say it's you. His anger is caused by the fact that he's violent and abusive, and he thinks it's ok to treat women like that.
Please ask a strong male to be there when you pack up and move out, and don't tell him where you're going. Contact an attorney and have him communicate with you regarding the child only through the attorney. If he threatens you, contact the police and the DA and have a protective order placed against him. Change your cell phone number and again, only give him your attorney's phone number.
And don't worry yourself about being embarrassed. It's not YOUR fault this man is violent, angry and abusive. The only shameful thing would be if you stayed knowing he's abusive and subjected your innocent child to this angry, violent man. You need only be worried about protecting yourself and your baby from this abusive man. Best of luck in getting out safely and quickly.
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post: sjb (06-08-2012)
Hi the reason the police are suggested is in case he owns a weapon or knows how to use anything as a weapon or even use of his body to injure a full grown man. Sometimes there is no or little defense against certain types of these weapons.
I agree with everyone else.
Don't worry about him, you worry about yourself and the baby you're carrying. God forbid one day he gets so angry and it goes beyond him just yelling in your face to shut up or slamming a door? You don't want anything worse than that to happen so your best bet is to walk out. If he got help for his anger and you guys worked things out then that's a different story. Until then you can't play mommy and take care of him. You're going to be a mother to a baby, a real baby, who needs you. You have to put yourself first because by doing that, you're putting your baby first. You don't want him to be violent around him/her when he/she's born. If it's a boy you don't want him to grow up thinking you did something wrong to make daddy treat you this way. You don't want him hating you and disrespecting you because he sees daddy doing it so he thinks it's ok. You definitely don't want him to mistreat girls when he's older. If it's a girl you don't want her to think it's ok for men to mistreat women. She'll never be close to her father. She'll even fear him. If he can't act right then he has to be left alone until he can.
The Following User Says Thank You to Chrissy26 For This Useful Post: sjb (06-14-2012)
You need to leave - you are not married which would make it more complicated. Find a secure place to stay and have your baby and don't go back. If he abuses you now he will sure as heck abuse you later or even worse both you and the baby. No one has the right to lay a hand on you or verbally abuse you. Sometimes women stay out of habit or the man being able to change. Abusers never change. Good luck to you and be safe.
The Following User Says Thank You to maconcat For This Useful Post: sjb (06-14-2012)
"What do I do to get to the root of his anger and find out what is causing it? How can I get him the help he needs before he seriously hurts me and damages our relationship forever? "
the honest to gods truth is there is nothing you can do in this situation. For some reason abuse does sometimes begin or escalate towards a woman during pregnancy, I don't know what the reason is but it's not unusual lets just say that. You have to get out, you can not fix him and most likely this will just get worse, abuse usually does so don't stay around and wait for that to happen. Leave him now before he hurts you or your baby, and only go back to him if he gets help because he chooses to and shows a considerable amount of change in his behaviour. Unfortunately though, it's unlikely that will happen, because abusers generally have major anger issues and get off on controlling someone and it's like a drug to them. Don't fool yourself into thinking he will just change, or you can help him, or when the baby comes it will be different. It wont and you have to look after yourself and your baby now and not be around an abuser.
I am an adult female that came from an abusive home. My mother was physically and mentally abused by my dad...until I became a teen. At that point in my life I "realized" my mother didn't love me enough to protect me from living in that type of environment. Though I'm an adult now and know that it wasn't lack of love for me, I still feel that she was too weak to leave the situation. The only reason my father stopped abusing my mother was because at the age of 13 I saw him take a swing at her and got between the two of them (with a weapon) to protect my mother. Till the day my father died he was afraid of what I would do if he ever harmed her again. I am telling you this because I want you to understand that it is one thing for you to stay there thinking he will change if you just could make him see he is hurting you. He won't. But in trying to love him just that little bit more....you will emotionally damage your child. He/She will ALWAYS feel you are too weak to take care of yourself or them. They will learn to resent you (and hate him). They will learn early in life that men cannot be trusted.
So my advice to you....if you can't leave for yourself....leave because you want to give your child the best life you can....even if you have to struggle financially. Not having something....it's so much easier to get over than internal pain. Good luck to both of you
The Following User Says Thank You to laurieann77 For This Useful Post: sjb (06-14-2012)