This will be long...but it's complicated so please bear with me.
So just under 4 years ago I met a girl, just by chance, and we started talking about things. We kind of hit it off so we kept talking, I found her interesting and wanted to know more about her, and we had some common interests.
As time went on, we became proper friends, eventually really close friends. We had disagreements and arguments yes - when I first met her I was 17, she was 21, I had an attitude problem to be sure and the thing she was most commonly angry at me for was talking down to people, being rude in general, and basically being a complete toad.
Now I'll admit she was right. I hadn't had much to do with many people since about a year before, one of my closest friends committed suicide when I was 16 and it was...really hard to go on instead of following her, because I prefer a few close friends over a multitude of them and she had (and still does) meant the world to me. So until i met this new person I'd cut myself off from people, I was grieving, I was angry, and I was childish about letting it out. But for this girl I felt genuinely bad, and I tried to do better. It took a long time to get anywhere, the old feelings wouldn't let go and it was so frustrating! Because my new friend would get upset at my attitude and I felt awful, but I couldn't find words to explain why I had such problems with people.
But I kept trying, we saw each other when we could (we live in neighboring states because I have work in one and she university in another) and we were cool, and eventually I was able to open up
more with people, her company stopped the old memories hurting as badly.
Then towards the end of last year it got a little complicated...because I'd come to care for her on a deeper level than just friendship. I admit I'm still young, but I let the feeling sit for a while...but the desire to know her and be with her didnt go away, so yeah, I believe I fell for her. In general terms she's truly everything I could ask for in a woman. She's headstrong, intelligent, opinionated and truly moral, has compassion for other people, and she's also amazingly beautiful.
Things went slowly, but at one point she finally chose to talk about it and told me she was interested! My heart flew higher than a star that night. But it fell apart.
A couple of months after that, february this year she came to stay with me for s few days, and at first it was amazing. I can't explain it...but my heart kind of like expands when I'm around her, like it you blow a balloon up. But a couple of days later I ruined it, and I don't know why. I honestly can't tell you what I was thinking, but I tried to perv on her in the shower. And yeah...busted.
And now....well I don't even know what I'm supposed to say about something like that. Looking back at the moment, I don't know what I was thinking, or even IF I was. I'd sworn to myself long before that I'd make sure her trust in me was well placed, and I still went and smashed it! And the memory of her crying that night is agonizing, because I did that to her.
Ill point out that she was already wary if men, due to personal experiences, experiences I can sort of relate to ironically enough, as I was molested when I was 5 by the older kid in the group of boys from my neighborhood I played with. I know that kind of betrayal hurts, but I went and did something just as bad to someone I care about, for no real reason, we were happy!
Understandably she was beyond angry at me. We still spoke....but the familiarity, the comfort and her trust in me is gone. And it hurts, because I swear that I do still love her, but she refuses to even hear the words. I've done what I can since then to try and begin mending burned bridges, our birthdays were a month ago, and it wasn't the same without her.
Recently there was a miracle...and she agreed to see me again for the night as I was in the area. We went for dinner together and I felt...I guess you could say ecstatic to see her, and just to talk to her about unrelated things. Those few hours alone are the happiest I've been since I did that to her....and I think she enjoyed herself.
And yet still it burns at me, because I dont know so many things. What she thinks of me, does she hate me, is she still mad at me, is there any chance at all for things to work out! I have no idea where I stand with her on these points, and it still hurts to know that this is all my own fault. I'd love to be at her side more than anything, and yet I have no idea if she's even interested anymore, and rightly so! Why should she be after all, when she's such a good person, and I'm not.
But still it burns at me, and it's hard to be hopeful about anything. I can't sleep for more than a few hours every second or third day, I'm so helpless in the situation that it's impossible not to despair, and I miss her so, so much.
And yeah, I don't know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent..,
I haven't no. This friend I've hurt is the only person I HAVE told about...that. By the time I could really get what happened we'd moved to a new town, and I couldnt make myself tell my mother, so I chose to ignore it and try to forget. Didn't work out that way, unfortunately.
Well you don't have to tell your mother to go to therapy now. It sounds that are still some unprocessed emotions/ideas about that and maybe your friends suicide. And rather than to have it fester and cause further problems in the future, it may be best to start learning to deal with them and move on. You are too young - you have so many years ahead of you - to have your past dictate your future, that would be very sad. About this girl, I know it doesn't seem like it but there are so many girls out there and maybe she was brought into your life for you to begin a healing process (if you believe the universe has a hand in things that is!).
Allso, I don't know if you saw the connection, but you were sexually violated as a child and now you have perpetuated the cycle and have sexually violated someone else...behaviourally, it is more likely to occur again rather than go away on its own. So if you don't think u need therapy for yourself, maybe go into it looking like you never want to put someone through the pain of being violated again.
The good thing about you is that you can admit you were wrong. The faster that you can see your mistakes and flaws and admit them to yourself and others, the better off you are.
Now getting to your problem, I am a bit confused here. She said that she was interested, but did you guys ever officially start dating or anything?
If you were just friends and you tried to see her naked / did see her naked, I guess I can see why she'd be a little mad. I, personally, don't understand and would most likely just be flattered that someone wanted to see me naked that bad. It's not like you tried to rape her, so I really don't understand why people are comparing it to molestation. You aren't some creepy old guy who lives across the street, you're someone who's close to her and who's shes admitted to having feelings for.
To each their own though, and she's obviously really upset about it. Be honest with her. Tell her that you really like her and have developed feelings for her and that you couldn't control yourself. You can't go on with this awkward silence about the issue forever so call her, or go see her in person tell her how you feel and ask her the questions you posted here. Is she hurt? Will she ever trust you again? Why is she so hurt?
Also, next time someone you like tells you that they're interested ask them out on a date for Christs sake!! :P
I have to agree with Kandles, and add-on to her thoughts;
Originally Posted by jozi209
its not uncommon for people who were sexually abused as a child to engage in sexually deviant behaviour as an adult (ie in your case voyeurism). Have yuo ever had therapy?
I was molested as well at the age of 7, I needn't go into further details but I can say that I haven't had any "sexually deviant behaviour" as you put it. That is totally unrelated, and what he is going through is common post-adolescent behaviour, where hormonal levels are working as they should.
What you did may have seemed impolite, but in no way wrong. You weren't planning on raping her, were you? It's a natural instinct of a man to wish to view another beautiful woman in his own vicinity and in the comfort of his own home. You have liked her, as of recent you had made it clear that you had liked her, so that does, in a sense, justify your mis-doing. I believe her reaction was more of shock than of disgust, hence the reason she wished to see you again.
The first thing I would recommend you do, if you haven't done so already that is, is to apologize to her for what you did. Be honest with her, don't lie to her! Tell her exactly what you were feeling, and why you did it. If I was in your position my reply to her would have been;
I wish to apologize for that night. I couldn't help myself, I had always felt so strongly about you and I just wanted to see you in your utmost perfect form, free from any attire. Please forgive me, I had no intention of doing any harm to you, and if there is anything I can do to make up for that night, please let me know. I really don't want this to affect what we have, as I know we have both come a long way together, so if you could find it in your heart to give me another chance to prove myself then I would gladly do so!
Surely she is a reasonable woman, given the age, and she'll be able to understand where you're coming from and your natural sexual interests starting to peak up. If we weren't a curious species and explored weird and wonderful things then we would be quite a primitive species! Imagine a life without milk? And honestly, let's not wonder what the person who discovered milk was hoping to achieve at that time.
So don't take this too hard on yourself. Prove to her that you actually are a decent guy, that you're not just some pervert, of which I undoubtedly think you aren't. Good luck, and I really do hope that the two of you can work things out and even have a relationship together.
P.S - Don't let the distance factor in on having a relationship! Don't listen to all those people who say long distance relationships do not work. I had one for a year before she moved down and now stays with me, a year later. You just have to hang in there, make sure that the person is compatible with you, has the same likes, interests etc...
Hi-without starting drama, generally ppl who engage is sexually deviant behaviour have a history of sexualabuse. In no way should that b confused w people who have been molested will molest. As for my profession, I believe it againsst healthboard terms and conditions to expose information on that. But I can say that that I worked for years in a rape crisis shelter so even if my opinion is way off base here, it didn't come out of nowhere. Mainly, I do very much feel that voyeurism is sexually deviant behaviour, violating, and by law-illegal. Just my opinion other than the legal issue, the originlal poster may regard it as he wishes.
Jozi209, I wish to apologize if my response was too rash and I offended you. I sometimes get too carried away in my own thoughts when structuring a reply. I am quite sure you do have some form of experience, and I am not questioning you on that.
I just think that she's freaking out a little bit too much. Maybe she's a bit insecure about her body, and that's why she got so mad. It just seems to me that she's sending you mixed signals. She tells you that she likes you and then she spends the night at your apartment. I don't really see how there could be any more of a green light? I'm not saying that you took the right approach, you probably should have done things differently, but still. It all just depends on the person, I guess. Some people are really comfortable with being naked, and some aren't.
Thanks to everyone for giving me a new perspective to look at here, lately things have been stuck in a rut where just nothing has gone right.
To answe a couple of points. Although before the incident she'd said she was interested, we hadn't formed any sort of official relationship. We did things together when we were able to, but for her sake I wanted to avoid trying to rush anything since I figured we had plenty of time.
I've tried talking to her about what happened, and in her words, she's angry because the way I did things undermined her trust in me and if I really cared for her I'd have waited until she was ready since she's paranoid about men already.
I did my best to answer her on each point, since I do care for her...I still feel awful about what happened, but on the other hand I've stuck with her at every time but that since we met. I just really, really lost my head that time I was with her, and although I'd never fall to physically trying to hurt her, this alone is bad enough. She hasn't changed her mind on the matter so far, so it can be hard to reach her.
Also, to you Jozi, I'd just wanted to say thanks for the insight from your first two posts. I'm going to think on it for a little while before I decide where to go with it.
As for tastes, we do have our share of common interests. We like to play video games, mostly on the PC, our musical interests start from the same era but sort of fan out in different directions, but we have mostly the same tastes in food and tv/movies also. Plus we both like cats,