I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past four years and love hiim dearly. Last summer I discovered he was looking at pictures of women on the internet and was very hurt. It's not that I regard it as cheating, it's just that I feel when he does it, I'm not good enough. From time to time I have also noticed him staring at other women when we're out together. I have also found this extremely hard. For several months, he didn't understand why it was so hurtful (both pictures and looking at other women) and told me I was overreacting. In the past few months, he has been more understanding and said that he has stopped looking at pictures on the internet and looking at other women, but that he might still do it in the future as he tells me that he is not perfect. While I appreciate very much the effort he is making, I don't think this is about him being perfect. I feel that if he loved me enough, he would say - 'listen, if it hurts you, I will not do it again'. I feel that the choice of whether or not to click on a link or picture is pretty simple, especially when you know how much you might hurt the other person. I am afraid I am being unreasonable though. But a big part of me is hurt and is thinking about ending things with him. I would very much appreciate any advice.
Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jmart432
And you never look at other men?
Of course I do! But I never stare, and I do not look at pictures of men on the internet. I realise that men and women are different, but if I'm doing something which is hurtful to my partner, I would want to stop.
Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Just because something is "hurtful" to the other person doesn't mean it can't be overreacting and something that's ridiculous to get hurt over. So what if he looks at other women? He's not cheating. I'm sure you probably do some things he finds hurtful as well but doesn't bring it up because it really doesn't matter.
Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marian2
It's not that I regard it as cheating, it's just that I feel when he does it, I'm not good enough...I feel that if he loved me enough, he would say - 'listen, if it hurts you, I will not do it again'.
This hurts you because YOU feel inadequate. He's not doing anything to you, but rather it's something that brings out insecurities in you.
Hopefully you haven't told him "if you loved me, you'd stop" because that's dangerous ground there. We can't dictate to others the "correct" way to love us.
How about trying to make it a two way street? Explain that you feel inadequate and not good enough when he looks at other women on the internet and in person. Explaining it that way isn't finger-pointing and placing blame, but rather acknowledging that part of the issue is your own insecurities about yourself. He might be more likely to make more of an effort if he knew why you feel the way you do.
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
I can't help but say here, that if my boyfriend said something similar to me, for instance, if he saw me looking up pictures of men and said, "oh, that makes me feel bad that you want to look up pictures of men and stare at them" (depending on how he says it, but if he says it in a way that it made him feel like he wasn't enough for me or something)
I would definitely not look up pictures of men anymore and that's because I would care about his feelings. Depending on the person and the situation I don't see how it would be a "controlling" thing.
If I did something that I know made him feel bad (and he's just being honest and nice to me) than I would stop doing it because I care about him.
Same thing with me, if he was doing something that he knows made me feel bad I'm pretty sure he would stop.
Your boyfriend's reaction to you asking him to not look up pictures of women seems to me like he didn't even know it would bother you which makes me think he's just kinda being innocent about it because if he was thinking "bad" thoughts then he would try to hide it, right?
Maybe he appreciates beauty in an innocent way.
I'm an extremely straight women and sometimes when I'm in a store or somewhere and I see a very beautiful woman I can't help but admire her beauty. Heck, I find my sisters so beautiful sometimes they take my breath away.
So, it doesn't mean that he is finding attraction elsewhere.
Hope this helps
Also, it does seem to me that you may be over reacting a little bit. Maybe you need more confidence in yourself?
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Last edited by chocolate29; 07-08-2012 at 06:06 PM.
Reason: added
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Although I am married I can still enjoy beauty with my eyes. I can enjoy a sunset, spectacular view or a woman's body. They are all beautiful and none of them diminish my love or desire for my wife. Some things are just pleasing to the eye. Women are chief among those things. It is not a slight against my wife. It is merely the enjoyment of a pretty thing. You should not take your man's ability to appreciate beauty and twist it into a reason for jealousy or strife.
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Thanks for your help Chocolate29 - He was actually hiding the pictures from me though, he had forgotten to delete some of his 'history' and that's how I discovered a picture. I think this is one of the things I found most hurtful, the fact that he was hiding it from me, and that, at first when I told him that I found it hurtful, he was angry with me. He is more understanding now though. I suppose it has brought up my insecurities, I suppose I'm just looking for more reassurance from him and I feel I'm not getting that ....
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
You have to stop trying to convince a man to do something by giving him an emotional reason for doing so. There's no logical reason that he should stop looking at other women. It's natural for men to look at other women, it's something you have to learn to get over. He's not doing anything that is a problem, the problem is that you're insecure. You need to look within yourself and fix your own insecurities, it has nothing to do with him. Once you're a strong self confident woman, things like this won't bother you. The reason he is hiding this is because he knows it will hurt you if you find out, so he's just trying to prevent you from being hurt.
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Just exactly what do you mean by "looking at other women" on the internet? Do you just mean that he's surfing nude pictures or is he seeking out women at dating sites and looking at their pictures. If it's the later, that's not innocent and should absolutely not be acceptable because that means he's looking for someone else! Communicating with other women(sexually) on the internet is not normal behavior for a man that's in a relationship!
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
BeaTrade, I was going to ask the same thing! What kind of "looking" is he doing? And by "pictures", do you mean just nude pics or nude pics and videos, etc.? I have kind of a different stance than other people on here, because I was in a relationship with a man who also enjoyed doing this kind of thing. Then he started watching porn like a mad man and then what do you know? He has a new 18 year-old girlfriend. I do not, in any way, mean to scare you or make you believe this will happen in your relationship, but who knows? Do you and your boyfriend have an otherwise healthy relationship? Do you have regular sex? Does he compliment you when you make an effort with your appearance? I think that we need to know more about your situation to really give you an accurate opinion. I am kind of undecided about the issue of men and porn. On one hand I think it is natural for men to be sex crazed, but on the other hand I believe that if a man is truly satisfied, she should have no need to look at other naked women and porn. I also think that innocently surfing the internet looking for say, video game tips, and happening upon a picture of a woman and enjoying it is WAY different than spending significant amounts of time looking at naked women on the internet. Where are you when he does this? Why can't he be spending this time with you? He could be playing a game with you, going on a walk or making love to you, but instead he is looking at other women on the internet. No offence, but I think it is kind of immature and pathetic to waste time doing this. However, you have to give us more details to really understand how all of this is going down. AND, if he is looking at women on dating sites, that is TOTALLY unacceptable.
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Thank you everyone for your advice so far - I appreciate it. As for the pictures, as far as I know, it's just nude pictures, and not pornography, although he has said that he used to watch this before, but no longer does it. I am also positive that he doesn't go into chat rooms etc.
We have had a more or less good relationship - although in the past year, I find that I would initiate sex more and at times, find this hard. I know that my own insecurities are part of the problem here - but I see this as only part. Maybe I'm wrong. Most of the time, I feel beautiful and I think I look ok - but the pictures do make me ask why does he need to look at someone else. It's the fact that he actively seeks it out that bothers me - I feel aren't there enough pictures of beautiful women and real women around us out there anyway, with adverts, cinema etc. It's the idea that he actively seeks them out which I find hurtful...
When I make an effort with my clothes, makeup - most of the time he won't say anything and I find this hard.
Also, before I discovered that he was looking at pictures, we had a big argument about a girl that we both knew. Because I saw him looking at her once or twice, and because of other things I won't get into here, I thought that he might have liked her and I told him that I was worried about this. He said I had nothing to worry about - but then, when I had problems with this girl as regards the way she behaved towards me, he wouldn't support me. I was quite angry about it and we would have argued a lot - as, while all this was going on, I was bothered by the fact that he would be checking out girls in bars / cafes when I was right beside him and this confused me as regards the other girl we both knew.
He got very upset about this (over the whole thing about that girl) and said, a few months afterward, that it was then that he started checking out girls more and wondering whether he'd be happier with them. We have since sorted out the thing about the other girl, and I have apologised for getting the wrong end of the stick, but he still brings it up and says how difficult I was about it and that it really upset him.
I was devastated by the fact that he started to think he'd be happier with someone else and that he started checking other girls out more.
So the above, combined with the internet pictures, has me very confused.
Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Thank you everyone for your advice so far - I appreciate it. As for the pictures, as far as I know, it's just nude pictures, and not pornography, although he has said that he used to watch this before, but no longer does it. I am also positive that he doesn't go into chat rooms etc.
We have had a more or less good relationship - although in the past year, I find that I would initiate sex more and at times, find this hard. I know that my own insecurities are part of the problem here - but I see this as only part. Maybe I'm wrong. Most of the time, I feel beautiful and I think I look ok - but the pictures do make me ask why does he need to look at someone else. It's the fact that he actively seeks it out that bothers me - I feel aren't there enough pictures of beautiful women and real women around us out there anyway, with adverts, cinema etc. It's the idea that he actively seeks them out which I find hurtful...
When I make an effort with my clothes, makeup - most of the time he won't say anything and I find this hard.
Also, before I discovered that he was looking at pictures, we had a big argument about a girl that we both knew. Because I saw him looking at her once or twice, and because of other things I won't get into here, I thought that he might have liked her and I told him that I was worried about this. He said I had nothing to worry about - but then, when I had problems with this girl as regards the way she behaved towards me, he wouldn't support me. I was quite angry about it and we would have argued a lot - as, while all this was going on, I was bothered by the fact that he would be checking out girls in bars / cafes when I was right beside him and this confused me as regards the other girl we both knew.
He got very upset about this (over the whole thing about that girl) and said, a few months afterward, that it was then that he started checking out girls more and wondering whether he'd be happier with them. We have since sorted out the thing about the other girl, and I have apologised for getting the wrong end of the stick, but he still brings it up and says how difficult I was about it and that it really upset him.
I was devastated by the fact that he started to think he'd be happier with someone else and that he started checking other girls out more.
So the above, combined with the internet pictures, has me very confused.
Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
So he's mad at you because he's acting a jerk and ogling other women which in turn upsets you. Well I'd tell him good luck finding a girl that isn't bother by their man ogling other women...give me a break! He's trying to shift the blame here! He sounds like a real JERK to me!
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Oh boy, something you said in your response really reminds me of an issue I had with my ex. We also had an "issue" with another girl that he was friends with. This girl would text and call him constantly. She would also straight up GLARE at me any time I would see her at college. I would tell my ex how it made me feel and that I was uncomfortable with his friendship with her. He NEVER supported me during this time and always took her side. I actually wrote all about this on these boards and almost every single person said it was totally wrong of him and to leave him or he would most likely cheat on me. I didn't listen and low and behold he did end up cheating (however, not with the same girl who would glare at me). Again, like I said in my previous response, I am not meaning to scare you or think your bf is out to cheat on you or is trying to get out of the relationship, but I would keep your eyes open. Also, like I said before, if a person is totally satisfied, there is no desire or need to ogle other people. He also flat-out told you that when he would look at other girls he would wonder what it would be like to be with them. What this says to me is that he is looking for other options. Maybe this is not the case at all, but do you want to continue a relationship where your bf does not consider your feelings and does things that he knows makes you feel bad? Perhaps you do need to work on your self-esteem, like the other posters said, but not because you are being ridiculous for not liking his ogling, but to have the confidence to kick this guy to the curb.
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Tatooed, I disagree with you. (I'm not trying to start a fight, and there is no hostility here.) But even when you're 100% satisfied with your partner, you're still going to look at other people. It is literally ENCODED INTO A MANS BRAIN. They like to look at other women. My boyfriend would not cheat on me if someone had a gun to his head. He looks at other women all the time. Do I care? NO! It was a bit hard to get over at first, but the second I did was the second that he found me more attractive. Someone like...a stripper or a porn star is nice to look at for 20 minutes. Unfortunately, that's all that they have to offer, and no one is going ot want to MARRY a porn star. If you're dating someone that can't control their sexual instincts enough to not cheat on you, then maybe that's a reason to look somewhere else.
A fact that a lot of you need to know, is that men often masturbate. They do this with the aid of porn. It's natural for them, because their body is telling them to clear away the old semen, so that the next time that they have intercourse with you, they're more likely to produce offspring. There body is TELLING them to do this. You can ask a happy married man why he sneaks off to the bathroom to masturbate, and he couldn't tell you why. Even if you are READY and WILLING to help them - they will still do it. Escpecially if they have a high sex drive. It's a natural thing, and pressuring them about something that they can't help is only going to put strain on your relatinoship.
Like I said before. Sexy is 80% attitude. THe second you let him know that you feel intimidated by another female, is the second that she becomes more attractive than you. Ignore it, they're going ot do it. Smile and pretend that you don't notice. The more insecure that you are, the more that he's going to focus on other girls. Don't TALK with him about looking at pics of his ex, or some random friend. Let him do whatever he wants. If you want to get him to pay attention to you, then stop throwing a hissy fit every time he looks at other girls.
If you're at a restaurant and a girl who's a 6/10 walks by you have two choices. 1) Get jealous and glare at him as he checks her out 2) Pretend she doesn't even exist, let him look. Guess which option makes him more attracted to you? 2!!! Let her walk by and swing her hips and try to catch his eye. So what if she succeeds. She gets his attention for 10 seconds, whoopty freaking doo?!? You're the one going home with him. You have to trust him and you have to KNOW that you're the person he finds more attractive, or he wouldn't be with you.
You have to let him have his freedom. If he wants to look, then he can look. He's not your pawn to control. You don't get to pick and choose what he does. I used to be a VERY jealous women and I enveutally learned what I am telling you.
My boyfriend rarely looks at girls and points them out anymore. If he points them out to me I say "Yeah she's pretty!" and move on with my life. He now tells me that I am perfect and beautiful all the time, and a few days ago he told me that he feels closer to me than ever! Occasionally when I see a hot guy my boyfriend notices IMMEDIATELY that I'm looking at him and tells me he caught me looking and I say "well he was hot!" and then my boyfriend is the one who is saying "WOW WELL HIS NOSE IS KIND OF WEIRD, AND HIS SHOULDERS WEREN'T EVEN THAT NICE, AND HIS HAIR SUCKED." Either way, I really don't care. I think it's cute! It's our immediate reaction to defend ourselves and compare ourselves to people that other people say are attractive. You just need to learn how to conquer your immediate reaction. Relationships aren't all about looks, and you need to be secure with yourself if you want to keep things good.
Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
Kandles summed it up pretty spot on. I don't think you have a realistic expectation to think that your boyfriend much less any man is not going to look at attractive women. It's a fact of life that you need to understand and not take it personally. And yes, even if men are happily satisfied will look.
As another poster mentioned, this is more about your insecurities than anything else. Just so you know, men typically like women who are confident in their own beauty. Kandles is right that it's about attitude. If you think you're inadequate, guess what, you're going to give off the vibe that you are.
Now don't get me wrong. There's a respectful way of looking at women and a non-respectful way. If your boyfriend is looking with his mouth open and just staring in a creepy way, yes, you do have every right to ask him to not look like that. That's not respectful to you or to the other women. There are countless others, but I hope you see the point.
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
If he notices beauty in women, that's one thing. Actually clicking on a link that would lead to a pretty woman or long drawn out stares at women in public is another thing all together. There's a difference between admiring beauty and desiring that which is beautiful. Some of it is male hormones, but what is going on is that there's kind of a lazy discipline going on where his thoughts don't seem to be with what's important in a relationship. Boredom is one thing that sometimes plagues men as some men don't know how to entertain themselves other than drooling over women.
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Re: I've asked my boyfriend to stop looking at pictures of women
No woman should have to sit by and watch their boyfriend or husband ogling at women...I would be extremely insulted if my husband ever did that to me and didn't have enough respect for me to control his thoughts! GAH! How ridiculous is that! Apparently men just don't have enough sense these days to know right from wrong!
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