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Old 07-09-2012, 10:12 AM   #1
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Stock Market Addiction

My former husband has an addiction to gambling on the stock market. He has lost thousands of dollars over the years. I first learned about this when we were married around 2001. We originally married in 1998. He gambled away my kids college fund (38 grand). He felt sorry, promised to pay the money back (which he did through our eventual divorce settlement), did an evaluation and found out he could be a poster child for gambling addiction, went to a couple counseling sessions (which he said didn't work), etc... He however, would not quit gambling. I found out, at a later date, that he took out a $25,000.00 loan on his truck behind my back and lost that as well. When told he had to choose between his marriage & family or the stock market he chose the stock market. After meeting with our pastor (someone also working a recovery), he contined to say he would not quit day trading and numerous other high risk investing so we divorced. Over the next few years he tried to convince me he had quit and wanted me back. Eventually I came to believe him and started dating again. We eventually remarried. Two years ago I learned that he had gambled away 25,000.00 of an E-trade account that he knew my password for...additionally, he used the same password to drain $8000.00 from my savings. I found out when I tried to take money out to pay a bill. I then filed a legal separation but we continued to live together because I felt I needed his income to pay our bills. Again, he was so sorry and vowed to pay me back by buying a Prius for me. He bought the Prius and, so far, has paid for half of it. He went to gamblers annonomous. But still refused to go to counseling or meet with our pastor. Slowly, because he was doing all the things gamblers annonomous said to do, I slowly began to forgive him. Unfortunately, this past May I happened to open a letter from his works 401k plan and learned he had taken a $10,000.00 loan on top of an earlier $5000.00 loan. I was devastated. I later learned that he had never really quit gambling, just did a better job of hiding it. I told him I loved him but he had to choose between gambling and being married to me...again, he chose gambling. A real kicker this time is that for over a week he chose to live in his car rather than come home and stop gambling. Knowing this I told him it's clear that he's very sick and refuses to get help. This time our relationship is over. He is one of the most charming people I ever met. He can also look you square in the eye and lie. I knew it was over because this last time he fell off the wagon he felt absolutely no guilt to remorse. He is so dellusional and believes all his own lies about knowing what he's doing, having a plan to make it big this time and all the other clichés gamblers use. No one can talk any sense to him. One thing I feel really sad about is that he's lying to everyone about why we split up. I know that I can't control this and just have to let it go. He keeps calling or e-mailing wanting to get together and to date. I told him no...he can't gamble and have a relationship with me. I know I am one of the lucky ones because I have been able to get my money back but I still feel so sad because in the end he's hurt me and our children and thrown away over a half million dollars feeding this addiction. Letting him go was one of the hardest things I ever did but I knew if I kept the relationship, it told him that I accepted his gambling. I guess I would be (and probably have always been) his chief enabler. I won't lie, after being with him over 14 years it's difficult to stick to my guns. I am now 53 years old and fear I will never marry again. I know I now need to work on me and figure out how and why I let this go on for so long. Before dating I need to grieve and learn how not to make this mistake again. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Right now I feel like I am the only one going through this. I don't know anyone going through this and there's no group to go to for support in my central Wisconsin town. I guess that's why I am writing here. I believe I am doing the right thing. I hope that's true.

 
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Old 07-10-2012, 05:45 PM   #2
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Re: Stock Market Addiction

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they will get help for themselves, and this may be the case for your ex-husband. Stay strong and I wish the best for your and your family!

 
Old 07-10-2012, 06:43 PM   #3
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Re: Stock Market Addiction

Thanks..It helps to know there are others out there who have dealt with this a well.

 
Old 07-10-2012, 06:48 PM   #4
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Re: Stock Market Addiction

It sounds like you really do need to be done with this man. He compulsively gambles with large sums of money. You've given him many chances, he's deceived you repeatedly, so how can he even expect your trust at this point?

 
Old 07-11-2012, 04:49 AM   #5
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Re: Stock Market Addiction

Yes, I agree...This helps me stick to my decision. Thanks.

 
Old 07-17-2012, 05:42 AM   #6
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Re: Stock Market Addiction

You are a very strong woman. It is extremly hard to let someone go that you care for and have been with for years, but you are making the right decision for your family and for yourself. I went to GA for about 2 years, its very helpful, but i felt it needed to be supplemented with christian counselling. Maybe you can still be a friend to him and encourage him to seek help. This addiction can ruin your life and eventually you will start to get desperate for money. I have been there! You lie all the time and it becomes a way of life for you, and when people dont seem to believe your lies you get mad at them. Its no way to live. Keep strong and know you have made the right choice.

 
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Old 07-17-2012, 06:35 AM   #7
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Re: Stock Market Addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by rinnylongy View Post
You are a very strong woman. It is extremly hard to let someone go that you care for and have been with for years, but you are making the right decision for your family and for yourself. I went to GA for about 2 years, its very helpful, but i felt it needed to be supplemented with christian counselling. Maybe you can still be a friend to him and encourage him to seek help. This addiction can ruin your life and eventually you will start to get desperate for money. I have been there! You lie all the time and it becomes a way of life for you, and when people dont seem to believe your lies you get mad at them. Its no way to live. Keep strong and know you have made the right choice.

 
Old 07-17-2012, 06:55 AM   #8
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Re: Stock Market Addiction

I was so glad to read your posts. It is difficult to stay strong when you still love someone and want to be with that person. He shows a great deal of delusional and magical thinking right now because he still has some money. Whenever he has money he becomes very arrogant and no one can tell him anything. He also holds strong to the myth that he is an investor not a gambler because he's in the stock market and not going to a casino. Despite being told by numerous people it's all the same for him he refuses to take it in. Twice in our relationship he lost everything. That's the only time he's humble and willing to listen and attempt healthy behavior but it is always shortlived. The minute we started to get on our feet financially, he would figure out a way to get money and throw it in the market. It's a vicious cycle I've seen repeated at least three times now...so sick. "None are so blind as those who will not see." I keep reminding myself of this over and over. So far, so good. I've been able to stay away despite his attempts to get back together again. I just remind him that our relationship is over. I wish him the best and hope he starts to work a real recovery program before it's too late. I then walk away, hang up the phone, whatever. It's one day at a time for us loved ones as well as the addict.

 
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