been there......done that.......
don't put everything into a relationship until you find out if it's going to be a give and take situation....you can't be the only one giving.
be a little more cautious next time around.....but don't beat yourself up.....
these things happen to all of us!
Rose,
Thank you! You are right! I need to move on. It's just so hard to do. I have to realize that it is not my fault and it's his illness. I really did love and care for him, but I don't deserve to be treated that way. No person deserves to be treated that way. One day they are madly in love with you and the next day they don't love you and want to find someone else. That's really abnormal! I don't want to be with a man that changes his moods that quickly! I need to be with a man that is stable, especially in the head! I know they say time heals all wounds and I hope it heals this way. I have been through so many bad relationships and it keeps getting worse. I need to get out of this area and go to Graduate School and focus on myself. It just hurts when you are used to see the person everyday and you don't see them again. I guess that's life and life most go on. Thank you.
What's funny is that I'm Jessica too, and you and I are definitely going through extremely similar problems, as you wrote on my post.
Look, here's the thing. You're going to cry. You're going to hurt, you're going to want to take him back, you're going to make excuses for all the wrongs that he made because you want him to be someone he's not. But here's the thing: he's never going to change. I know you want him to - hell, I want him to for someone as caring, generous, and supportive as you - but do you ever want to change someone for your happiness?
You can't tell me you didn't see this coming, or that the fights and the secrets were getting too much to bear, or that he didn't have to change for your happiness. Did he not? You're better off without him and I think deep down inside, you know it's true. Did you ever have a voice in the back of your head warning you about something? I know I did. I had a voice telling me to buy furniture on my own, so that I didn't want to worry when we broke up. Or that if I ended up marrying my ex, I would have to take on his 60K debt. Or that if I stayed together with my ex, I would end up crazy and insecure for the rest of my life. There was a voice nagging me, telling me that something was wrong; it was my instinct and I didn't listen to it. And look where it got me.
I'm so sad that this happened to you, but there is a silver lining in all of this: you got to see the type of man he is. BEFORE you moved away with him. BEFORE you moved in with him. BEFORE you married him. BEFORE you had children with him. What he disliked about you was that you exposed him and outed him for the weak, unprincipled person that he was - someone who lies to you, keeps people away from you, disrespects YOUR needs. He must've hated how strong you were to understand that that dark side of him wasn't good for you, him, or anyone else. Why else would he act so spiteful and childish toward you? It was his only defense mechanism.
I'm sorry that he was able to hide who he was from you for so long and made you believe that you had something special. Maybe he did care about you in some way, but it was never more than he cared about himself. In your next relationship, I hope you remember this: yes, caring for your significant other is important, but don't lose yourself and your values in the process. Take care of yourself. If you don't want to lend them money, or if you feel you are being taken advantage of, take a good look at the situation and assess if it is worth it.
Stay strong and believe that this is the best thing that could have happened to you - even with all the hurt and painful good memories. The time you put into him isn't lost because you did good in the world by projecting your love onto someone else. The world needs more people like you and you will find someone some day who will see you for what you are and cherish you. I know it's true. It'll happen soon.
Lots of love,
Jessica
Last edited by sakura84; 07-23-2012 at 08:18 PM.
The following user gives a hug of support to sakura84: LPJessica22 (07-23-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to sakura84 For This Useful Post: LPJessica22 (07-23-2012)
What's funny is that I'm Jessica too, and you and I are definitely going through extremely similar problems, as you wrote on my post.
Look, here's the thing. You're going to cry. You're going to hurt, you're going to want to take him back, you're going to make excuses for all the wrongs that he made because you want him to be someone he's not. But here's the thing: he's never going to change. I know you want him to - hell, I want him to for someone as caring, generous, and supportive as you - but do you ever want to change someone for your happiness?
You can't tell me you didn't see this coming, or that the fights and the secrets were getting too much to bear, or that he didn't have to change for your happiness. Did he not? You're better off without him and I think deep down inside, you know it's true. Did you ever have a voice in the back of your head warning you about something? I know I did. I had a voice telling me to buy furniture on my own, so that I didn't want to worry when we broke up. Or that if I ended up marrying my ex, I would have to take on his 60K debt. Or that if I stayed together with my ex, I would end up crazy and insecure for the rest of my life. There was a voice nagging me, telling me that something was wrong; it was my instinct and I didn't listen to it. And look where it got me.
I'm so sad that this happened to you, but there is a silver lining in all of this: you got to see the type of man he is. BEFORE you moved away with him. BEFORE you moved in with him. BEFORE you married him. BEFORE you had children with him. What he disliked about you was that you exposed him and outed him for the weak, unprincipled person that he was - someone who lies to you, keeps people away from you, disrespects YOUR needs. He must've hated how strong you were to understand that that dark side of him wasn't good for you, him, or anyone else. Why else would he act so spiteful and childish toward you? It was his only defense mechanism.
I'm sorry that he was able to hide who he was from you for so long and made you believe that you had something special. Maybe he did care about you in some way, but it was never more than he cared about himself. In your next relationship, I hope you remember this: yes, caring for your significant other is important, but don't lose yourself and your values in the process. Take care of yourself. If you don't want to lend them money, or if you feel you are being taken advantage of, take a good look at the situation and assess if it is worth it.
Stay strong and believe that this is the best thing that could have happened to you - even with all the hurt and painful good memories. The time you put into him isn't lost because you did good in the world by projecting your love onto someone else. The world needs more people like you and you will find someone some day who will see you for what you are and cherish you. I know it's true. It'll happen soon.
Lots of love,
Jessica
Thank you so much, Jessica! We do have a great name! That was very sweet and kind of you to say! I really needed that. I'm sorry for what happened to you too. We are both caring and loving people and we deserve the best. You are right I did see this coming! The fights were getting out of hand! We fought everyday about this subject! He wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted. He NEVER took my opinions and feelings into considerations. I just kept making excuses for him. The sad part is that he is 34 years old, he is 12 years older than me. I thought in the beginning by dating an older man then they would be more mature. I was way wrong! I may only be 22, but I have been through a lot in my life and consider myself a mature woman. I tried so hard to tell him my point of view. I kept asking him why I could never meet his "best friend". I kept wanting to know why they had this weird connection. Some people I have talked to said that maybe it's even romantic! The moment he needed my ex, he would leave and hang out with him. He would spend hours and hours with him. Towards the end everything was a lie! I caught him in lies several times! I need to stay positive and focus and realize that I'm better off without him.
It's weird because I get these crazy feelings about him. Part of myself is happy to be rid of all the fighting and insanity and the other part wishes he was still here. I tell people this and they can't believe it. Why would I want to be with someone who treated me so badly? It's good that I have no contact with him. I haven't seen or heard from him in almost three weeks now. Even thought it hurts, it's better off. The sad part is that I was naive enough to believe that he actually loved me and wanted to be with me. I mean he couldn't even be man enough to say it to my face!
Right now I'm just going to focus on myself and finishing my last year in college and preparing myself to apply to Graduate Schools. The sad part is that my ex promised me that whichever Graduate school I got accepted into he would move with me and we would be together. Well that is down the drain now. I had trust issues before, but now it's off the charts!
I hope that one day we both find men that are worthy of us and when they say they love us truly mean it. That they love us through thick and thin. Thank you for your comment! I'm always here if you need someone to talk to!
Thank you to everyone has responded to this. I'm still getting through this pain, but it will be okay. Does anyone else have any good advice for me? Thanks again!
The following user gives a hug of support to LPJessica22: Chrissy26 (08-02-2012)
Thank you to everyone has responded to this. I'm still getting through this pain, but it will be okay. Does anyone else have any good advice for me? Thanks again!
First, I want to say that I am very sorry for what you're going through. Secondly, I want to say that I agree with everyone here. I know you're in pain right now but I do think it's better this way. He has a mental illness which contributed to the break-up. Think about this for a minute: people who don't have mental illnesses have a difficult time with relationships at times, no? so imagine what it's like for a person who has a mental illness. He's incapable of making the right decisions and he seems to rely on other people to help him make up his mind. You never met this guy friend of his before, right? Are you sure it's even a male? I know you heard him laughing in the background but that could be just some male friend but the one he's really spending all his time with is a female. Now if it's really a male that he runs to all the time then it clearly shows he wasn't ready for a relationship if he was dumping you to hang out all the time. You say your trust issues are off the charts now but don't let this guy mess up potential relationships for you. Him leaving you has nothing to do with you, like some people said here. He keeps calling you because he's unstable. He can't make up his mind. His "friend" is only his friend because he knows he's ill and he can manipulate him. I'm convinced his friend had a lot to do with his choice in breaking up with you, and because he can't figure things out for himself, he went along with it. He calls you on impulse because he's unstable. It's not because you should go back to him if he ever wants you back. You can't trust his words because he doesn't realize what he's saying. It's all momentary with him. Whatever he thinks he feels at that very moment he will say. So him telling you one day he loves you and wants to marry you and have kids with you is just in the moment. he might have been feeling good that day. Then the next day he's influenced by friends and he don't want you anymore. That isn't a relationship you should want nor a relationship you deserve. It's good this happened now and not later when you may have gotten married and gotten pregnant. I would see this as a blessing like many people here said. I think you're strong and I think you'll be alright. It's normal to miss him and wish he was there with you. You were with him for a while and it's hard to erase the good times you guys had. But you don't have to erase them, just keep them in the back of your mind but keep the bad memories in the front of your mind so you don't ever forget what he's done to you to make you feel brokenhearted. It's easy for us to let the bad things go so we can feel good again and be with that person again but in this situation it's not good for you. Hang in there sweety.
The following user gives a hug of support to Chrissy26: LPJessica22 (08-02-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to Chrissy26 For This Useful Post: LPJessica22 (08-02-2012)
Thank you so much for replying to me. I never met him, but my ex sent me a picture of them together because I was starting to doubt that he was even real! His friend was the one that told me it was over between us, before my ex did! I never met this man in my life and he started to insult me on Facebook.I had to block him, his ex gf, and my ex. It was horrible. My ex would drop me for him all the time. Before this all happened he swore to me that he wouldn't see him anymore because he realized he was a bad influence on him. Two weeks went by and he didn't talk to him. Then he started seeing him again and started lying to me about it. I heard from him a few days ago.Saidhe was never in love with me (even though he told me he was every single day) and started saying things that made no connection to what I was saying. I'm seriously thinking he has stopped taking his medicine. I talked to his mom and she agrees with me. She feels sorry for me and told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. She told me that I need to move on and he has serious issues. My ex was telling me a few days ago that he was back in LA and have been so busy with acting. I talked to his mom yesterday and she said he is still in town. He lives with her and his stuff is still there. I mean he said it like he really was there. He has become extremely delusional. I know I need to be glad I'm not with him anymore. It just hurts when you put your heart and soul into a relationship and it falls apart. I have one more year of college left and then I'm going to relocate for Graduate School. I pray that one day I find a real man and man that truly loves me. I need to stop looking and just focus on myself. Thanks again for your reply!
Last edited by Administrator; 08-12-2012 at 03:45 PM.
Just listening to everything you say he says to you is scary. He really is delusional. I'm glad you're not with him anymore. I know it still hurts because you put your heart and soul into the relationship but even his mom says you gotta move on and her son has issues.
The Following User Says Thank You to Chrissy26 For This Useful Post: LPJessica22 (08-09-2012)
Just listening to everything you say he says to you is scary. He really is delusional. I'm glad you're not with him anymore. I know it still hurts because you put your heart and soul into the relationship but even his mom says you gotta move on and her son has issues.
Chrissy,
Thank you for replying. Yes you are right. His mom feels sorry for me. She is completely speechless. I feel sorry for her actually. I need to move on though. Since that last phone call I haven't seen or heard from him. It's getting a little bit easier, but it still hurts. I need to be happy and glad he didn't hurt me! Seriously, with him being delusional it could have been really bad. I'm glad we didn't get married or have any children together. I really need to start focusing on myself and my future. I just feel so lonely, but I was lonely being with him too. I wasn't in a good relationship and really did take a toll on my heart and emotional well being. I guess everything happens for a reason. I just need to stay positive! I'm in my last year of college and then I'll be off to Graduate School. I just need to focus on that and having a career. Thanks again!
Please delete him from your life. I would bet this friend of his is crazier and also has major mental issues. Remove him from your FB and block him. I would bet my savings that he will contact you in the near future, when he and his buddy get into a fight or something. You don't need that. You really need to move on. Respect yourself enough to find someone better. Good luck!
__________________
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
The Following User Says Thank You to Belly Kelly For This Useful Post: LPJessica22 (08-15-2012)
I dont get it, how did you ever like this guy? He sounds awful..I dont understand why women always go for men that treat them so badly. Really just cut off all contact and move on.
The Following User Says Thank You to waywardson For This Useful Post: LPJessica22 (08-15-2012)
Please delete him from your life. I would bet this friend of his is crazier and also has major mental issues. Remove him from your FB and block him. I would bet my savings that he will contact you in the near future, when he and his buddy get into a fight or something. You don't need that. You really need to move on. Respect yourself enough to find someone better. Good luck!
Thank you. I appreciate it. The last time I heard from him which was several weeks ago he told me he is back in LA where he was a first years ago before he moved back here. Told me he is back in acting and has been very busy. I talked to his mom and she told me that she didn't see him in a few days, but all his stuff is at her house, so she really doubts he is there. That was several weeks ago. When I did he was very cold and emotionless. I have deleted him off my FB page and blocked his friend and his friend's ex. I really did to just move on. Each day gets easier, but I don't understand why he is so emotionless and heartless. I guess I will never know. Thanks for the response.
I dont get it, how did you ever like this guy? He sounds awful..I dont understand why women always go for men that treat them so badly. Really just cut off all contact and move on.
Well in the beginning it was gonig well. My problem is my self-esteem and how I feel lonely without a man. I also don't see the red flags when I'm in a relationship until it's over. My whole family and friends saw it and told me about it, but I didn't want to believe it. The whole relationship was based on lies. I thought he really did care and loved me, but I was fooled. I deserve so much better. I haven't had any contact with him since several weeks ago. I deleted his number and deleted him off of FB. I'm trying my best to move and stay positive. Thanks for your response.
