It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-16-2012, 08:10 AM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: London
Posts: 12
millieann HB User
Cannot understand friend's hurtful behaviour

Hi Guys,
I really hope somebody can shed some light on the behaviour of my male friend.
We have been friends for 4 years and have spent a lot of time together in the past.
I am one of very, very few friends he has. He has one friend in another country and a few old guys that he bumps into at the local pub (not really friends)
He is a bit of a loner to say the least and prides himself on being some geeky intellect, spends all his spare time doing quizzes and reading literature.
We became friends as a result of meeting in the pub we drink in.
I have been very kind to him over the past few years, spent a lot of time with him, listened to his problems, invited him on holiday twice with friends of mine because he would have nowhere to go on his days off etc…
He has always been there for me… accept for when I get a boyfriend!
I have had 3 relationships since I have known him and he has turned nasty and mean each time.
The 1st one, he got hold of his email address and sent him a load of lies about me, he was bad mouthing and causing trouble with the second one and now I have finally met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with… he has done it again.
I get nasty emails at work, I get drunken texts in the night telling me all my boyfriends have been LOSERS.
Each time I am single, he is so apologetic about the things he has said and done; said he does not mean any of it and does not know why he does it!! Me being vulnerable after a break up have forgiven him; I start spending time with him again, he is always in touch, asking if I want to go out and do things... he puts himself out to help me and spend time with me etc.. I get with another man and it all starts up again.
I do not understand how he can be so kind and nice, making sure I am always ok etc when I am single and turn when I get somebody else.
I know the obvious answer would be that he likes me… but in all fairness, I have made it perfectly clear that I do not see him in a romantic way and he is 100% not my type.
He has even confessed that he knows I do not want him as a partner and he understands that! He says he realised a long time ago that only see him as a mate! So why does he get so nasty?
I have never encouraged him or lead him on, I promise you guys that completely… I have not naively given him false hope either.
I am writing now in particular because it is finally getting me down.
He was showing off by email this morning about a lot of money he had come into and where he was planning on going with it etc… I was very nice with my reply…when he asked what I had done at the weekend I told him that my partner and I were busy planning our wedding, I quote his reply

“Tbh Somehow I don't believe martin is the love of your life, so all this extragavence is probably just scoring points off your exes. Anyway its your gig so do what you like. You're probably paying the bigger share?If you wanna save a bit of cash tho, don't hire glasses for the reception buy plastic cups lol you wont have to pay for breakages that way lol"

Is it just me, or was that mean? All the LOL’s, just mocking me! All my other friends are happy and excited…. That really hurt me reading that, I have never been horrible to him, not once.
It is winding me and my partner up… it does not matter what I say to this guy, he comes back always with a smart, intellectual answer that make me feel even more angry!
If I ignore him (which I have done before for weeks on end over other stuff he has done) he continues to text me and email me rubbish… sometimes normal every day stuff, sometimes nasty digs.
I really would appreciate your take on this, as I just don’t get it and I am really winding myself up in about in now.
Thank you for reading.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-16-2012, 10:07 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,377
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Cannot understand friends hurtful behaviour

he's not a friend.....and it's not surprising that he has none and he's a loner!
the guy is passive aggressive!
he's trying to control you with his behavior....you're with someone and he scorns you
i'd stop asking why he's like that and start asking yourself why do you put up with it?

 
Old 07-16-2012, 10:53 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,002
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: Cannot understand friends hurtful behaviour

He is clearly seething with all kinds of jealousy and the more you tell him details, the nastier he will be. After all he has done to hurt you, I don't think you should keep his friendship any longer. He is clearly unable to separate his personal feelings for you from his friendship so it's time for this "friend" to be shown the door.

 
Old 07-16-2012, 12:09 PM   #4
Veteran
(female)
 
Agenda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 329
Agenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB UserAgenda HB User
Re: Cannot understand friends hurtful behaviour

Friends like this you do not need. He is lucky to have a thoughtful friend like you, but friendship is a two way street. I would let this friendship go and enjoy this very happy time in your life.
__________________
Osteoarthritis
Rheumatoid arthritis?
Fibromyalgia

 
Old 07-16-2012, 02:12 PM   #5
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: California
Posts: 159
baffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB Userbaffomet HB User
Re: Cannot understand friends hurtful behaviour

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
he's not a friend.....and it's not surprising that he has none and he's a loner!
the guy is passive aggressive!
he's trying to control you with his behavior....you're with someone and he scorns you
i'd stop asking why he's like that and start asking yourself why do you put up with it?
I agree with this! He's very passive aggressive and lacks any type of maturity. Even though you have told him there's no chance to being together and have acted in a platonic way, he is still holding out for that 0.0001% chance that you want to be with him. He may acknowledge it in front of you, but his heart, mind, and actions say otherwise.

Just like a couple relationship, if the person is not fulfilling your needs, you need to evaluate your friendship to determine if it's worth having. From the sounds of what you wrote, he seems like a spiteful and mean spirited person. Is that who want to associate yourself with?

Just be careful if you decide to end it. I would seriously suggest switching phone numbers, blocking his e-mails, and any other social media site.

Good Luck!
__________________
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Last edited by baffomet; 07-16-2012 at 02:13 PM.

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:21 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!