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Old 07-17-2012, 04:28 AM   #1
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baby??

I am 23 and my bf is 27 weve been together 4 years this october. he is planning on proposing to me soon. we had a talk the other day and he said that hes ready to start a family. im not sure what to do tbh. am i too young??? ideally i would have liked to have been married or engaged before we tried but i do know deep down i want a child with him. atm my heads all confused. i dont wanna rush into it and then regret it. i feel my family may dislike the fact that i wouldnt be married or engaged at the time and i think this is what is affecting my decision. i feel pressured and cant talk to anyone because i really have no idea what to say. i know most of my family would be made up but im worried the others wont be. i feel im damed if i do and damed if i dont. any advice would be a help. thanks.

 
Old 07-17-2012, 05:06 AM   #2
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Re: baby??

Give Samaritans a quick call. Found they will listen without judging. They're not just there for the suicidal.

PLUS

Take time to work out what you want from life. Having a baby can be a wonderful experience but bear in mind even the most beautiful babies are noisy, attention grabbing wee individuals in the early months. They are for life not just for Xmas like the pet adverts say. They also grow and don't stay little for long. If you are still happy to take on the responsibility then by all means go for it, married or not. Your boyfriend sounds as if he has his head screwed on properly. Make sure you have too.

If being married before kids is that important to you, please talk honestly with your boyfriend before going any further. If you are happy as a couple to have a family together whatever, then fair enough.

As to the family, they care about you and you could think, who cares what any one else thinks. Not their business after all. But you are still their daughter and they want you to be sure before committing to either marriage or parenthood - like any parent would.

Best wishes,

RS

One of my daughters had her baby after marriage and one didn't. Their dad didn't blow up over second daughter's unexpected pregnancy but was completely over the moon (to everyone's surprise, I may add). She and boyfriend were 30, though.
Other gran-to-be' went off the deep end but not because baby was to be born out of wedlock. Simply because she felt at 62, she wasn't old enough to be a Granny. Lol
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Old 07-17-2012, 05:40 AM   #3
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Re: baby??

If being married before you have children is important to you, then you should be telling your boyfriend this. If you don't feel like you have a say in your relationship, then you need to rethink having the relationship in the first place. Yes, you are young and babies bring a lot of stress into a relationship. Plus, the expenses and care for a child are crazy. Not to mention, if you have a baby with special needs. My BIL and SIL's first son (20 months) has cerebral palsy and they have medical bills out the rear end - AND they have insurance!

I recommend getting married, going on a honeymoon, maybe building a savings, and TALKING to your partner about these things if they bother you. No partner should ever pressure you into something you are not comfortable with.
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Old 07-17-2012, 05:59 AM   #4
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Re: baby??

its not him that is pressuring me. i feel pressured because im scared what my family will think. as my mum and auntie got preganant so young and i feel my nan looks down on me as if i was going to do the same. it silly now tho im 23 and i still feel like im being naughty as such. me and bf have talked it over, he isnt as bothered about gettin married first i think i feel that i need to be engaged or married because i feel like im going to disappoint my family.
i really am ready for a family, ive been living with him for 3 1/2years and been together 4. i feel like its time, i aint getting any younger. but like i say may main concern is that i will be disappointing my nan etc

 
Old 07-17-2012, 06:01 AM   #5
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Re: baby??

If he is pressuring you in any way to do something and you feel like your back is against the wall, DON'T marry him and certainly do NOT have a baby with him!! If he was the right person for you, he would listen to your concerns and he would compromise to make sure you're ok with the decisions being made which affect you both. But it sounds like he has some serious control freak issues if he is forcing you and for that reason you need to seriously rethink whether he is the right guy for you. In any case, until you work through this, don't go having a baby because that's going to throw a whole other wrench into an already unstable situation. Babies are annoying, need constant attention, constant care, and they grow up to be whiney expensive soul sucking little hellions. Are you sure you really want to speed up that process? It's not for everyone (clearly) and you need to be 100% willing to give up the rest of your life for another living thing that will forever depend on you for everything. It's a huge responsibility and I don't think you should do it right now cause you're totally not ready. People having kids before being ready is the reason why I can't stand kids, because their parents refuse to be parents and let them get away with running around like a bunch of psychopaths.

 
Old 07-17-2012, 06:04 AM   #6
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Re: baby??

like i said in a previous post. its not him pressuring me. its the pressure of sorts and worry of that i feel im letting my family down.

 
Old 07-17-2012, 11:55 PM   #7
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Re: baby??

If it's not him pressuring you, then that's a good thing.

I think if you're worried about your family's feelings towards any big decisions you make with regard to your own life and intimate family unit (your partner and any kids you may have), that suggests to me that you aren't decided about what you want to do, yourself.

If you really wanted kids right now, it wouldn't matter what anyone thought. You are not that young. 23 is ok. Back in "the day", 23 was OLD to be a first time mother! I know times have changed, but generally people's feelings remain much the same. If you want a baby, you want a baby, you know?

In terms of being ready or not, it's fine to tell your boyfriend you just want to wait a bit...to REALLY get that urge to have a baby. THEN you will jump in 100% and be happy and secure in your big life choices.

It's also ok to tell him that it's important to you to be married before having a baby, or even trying for a baby. If that is what is a priority for you, then you must be honest.

If you aren't really interested in getting married, you must discuss this too.

I don't think any of these things are huge problems. If you love your boyfriend and want to get married, then that's excellent that he's intending to propose. It's all good!

If you want to have a baby but not necessarily right now, that's fine too. I'm sure your boyfriend will be fine with it.

If you are secure and confident in your own decisions, your family's opinion (if negative, which it may not even be) will not be such a big fearful thing for you to confront. And for them, if they see you are fully decided and commited to your decision, they will also find it easier to accept that it's right for you, and thus be happy about it.

Good luck

 
Old 07-18-2012, 06:07 AM   #8
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Re: baby??

Well then, I would be asking questions like:

1. can we afford a baby?
2. do we have money for medical bills if there were complication in the birth or pregnancy?
3. are we mature enough to stay home and raise a child?
4. is there more in my own life I want to do before having a baby (i.e. getting an education, traveling, etc.)
5. do I have a savings account?
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