hey everyone, i will apologise in advance cause this will probably be a long post
i was with my husband for nearly 10 years, married for 7 when we split earlier this year this was my choice as there were simply no feelings there, we tried to work things out many times but we had just run our course.
A short while after I met a guy who had recently split from a girl he had 3 children with and we fell in love (or rather i fell for him, i have no idea what i meant to him now) we had talked about lots of things to do with the future and i had never felt this connection with anyone else, he did say he felt the same.
He moved in fairly quickly (i know i know *forehead smack*) and would travel approx 75 miles each way to work a day to his business, his business was a bit slow a while into our relationship so i started to pay for everything.
During the time we were together he would always have massive arguments with his ex as she refused to let him see his children although he would call them every morning and evening but there was no love lost between them.
He was always very very possesive with me and would accuse me of looking at other men (ie driving in the car if i looked at another car with a guy in it for more than a split second would result in a huge row), made me delete male friends from ******** and got really funny and demanded all of my ex's stuff removed from the house, i missed the odd one or two things and that would blow up into a huge row with him accusing me of still having feelings for my ex. (not a chance)
A couple of weeks into the reationship his ex moved 400 miles away with his 3 children.
About 2 months in to the relationship i started getting really moody, just thought it was that time of the month as i was on the pill but took a test anyway when i was late and yup you guessed it - i am pregnant. i told him straight away and while he was initially shocked he loved the idea, told anyone who was in ear shot, his kids, his ex, my kids (boy 5 and girl 8 from the ex hb) and even announced it on his fb an icked baby names!
His ex a few days after finding out sent him a text declaring how she was still in love with him and wanted him back so they could be a family, then he said he had to be nice in his texts to her in the hope that she would let him see his kids. All the way through he told her that he was happier now and stuff and never gave me any indication that he still had feelings for her.
2 weeks ago his ex was poorly and agreed to let him have his kids for a weekend, so we drove the 400 miles to pick them up and came back - spent the weekend with them doing activities and such, then on the sunday he had to take them back, he was down about it as you would expect but i couldnt go on the journey back to support him as my children were due back from their dads halfway through the day.
So off he goes on his own, texting me all the way up until a point, then i didnt hear anything for over two hours when he eventually text me to say that he didnt feel right leaving the kids and coming back to me. after a good couple of hours talking he eventually drove back, but it turned out during that two hours he was talking to his ex telling her he still had feelings for her, so for the next few days we had her hassling trying to get him back, him being all confused cause he didnt know if he wanted to go back cause he missed the kids and me sitting there listening to him tell me all what he was feeling (not a very nice position!!!)
he decided it was because of the kids and stayed with me but something felt off. The next day he ket sniping about stupid little things.
last saturday i caused an argument with him to give him an excuse to go back to the kids as i thought that was what he wanted but he ended up taking too much medication and i told him to come back when we argued some more and he tried taking more of an overdose on anti depressants, he ended up only taking three and i knocked the rest out of his hand. he went to get in the car and being on far too much medication i put my arm into the window to take the key out of the ignition, at which point he wound the window up on my arm (which has left me with some very impressive bruising and also have lots of different grab bruises where he was dragging me out of the car).
Things seemed ok until yesterday when he woke up and said he really missed his kids and felt like he had a big hole. he went to work and then when he got back he called the ex which i got angry with then he said he was going for a drive, by the time he came back he was dead set on going back to her so i wasnt going to beg him to stay. when he left i asked him if he wanted me to let him know anything about the baby and he just said yeah if you want to but you know she will make me change my number.
But this leads me to my situation now, i am absolutely heartbroken because i fell head over heels for the guy, he is now 400 miles away back with his kids happy that the hole has gone and no one can get hold of him because his phone is going straight to answerphone so im guessing he's already changed his number. i dont think his ex would let him have anything to do with me anymore even with me expecting his child, i honestly dont think she would allow him to see the baby either.
His dad called me today and basically said he was a joke and he shouldnt have gone back and that i am best of without him in my life, i did ask him if he wanted to be updated with what happens with the baby as it would still be his grandchild and he said yes, so i guess in a way if he is kept updated and the ex does want to find anything out then he will be able to do that through his dad.
Some parts of the time i am ok and i feel like im dealing with things but 2 or 3 times today i have broken down in tears. i have had my family around me today and friends too they have all been so supportive and then the time came to put the kids to bed, my hone then goes quiet and im not speaking to anyone to take my mind off things and i start getting worried about the future, really feeling the pain of heartache, so i come on here and spend 45 mins writing this.
i dont really know why as there isnt really any questions but if im focussing on the bad things and venting it makes the pain a little bearable.
i also worry about being on my own but i know ill cope if you know what i mean, i think its worry about finding someone else in the future and letting my barriers down to get hurt again, not many decent men would really want a single mum of 3 fast approaching 30 would they??
i think ive accepted that he's not coming back, i also worry about all this recent stress and how it has affected the baby and i am so desperately afraid that i may lose this baby which would devastate me,
but then i look forward to the fact that i will have alot more money without having to pay for all his fuel and everything else (he wanted me to get out a 3k loan in my name too! luckily enough i wasnt that stupid!) and thinking i will now have the time to focus on my two children a bit more (they go out their dads every friday through to sunday so i only ever see them for a short while during the week before they have to go to bed)
ah well if you've got this far im so sorry its so long but i needed to get it all out, please feel free to tell me how much of an idiot i was to believe this guy was my knight in shining armour when all he was, was a t**t in tin foil
Oh my god, this is horrible. I am so sorry this has happened.
I know this won't be of any help, but it is best it happened now rather than down the track...I guess. At least you will have your baby to love and who will love you, even if the father is not the best guy on the planet. And at least, as you said, a positive from this is you don't have to pay for everything for someone else anymore.
It seems this guy was always very unhappy with the arrangement in terms of his kids. I don't know his true feelings for his ex, but if the threat of losing his kids was enough for him to settle for being back with her, well...that's his choice, his priorities. Nothing you can do about it. It's just unfortunate that you expected him to be a normal person and stay with you because he loved you and wanted to be with you, and be a family.
I do believe he loved you, but the pull to his kids was too strong.
I'm not sure why he was so possessive of you...and that car incident is a worry, though he was most likely not thinking clearly on that medication.
In any case...it is best you are able to move forward in your life right now...even if you don't feel happy at this current moment. You will be ok. You will move forward and when you do find someone who really does truly love you and cherish you, you will feel the difference...
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i guess i just got so sucked in to all his lies and he was a completely different person when we met, full of promises loving, caring etc etc. next time (if ever) will be a completely different story! my guard will not be down so easily almost to a point where i do feel sorry for anyone who may come into my life and have to try and repair that damage!
i am so up and down at the moment and i know that will go on for a while, today im feeling good! i have the tunes as loud as they will go, the motivation to get some housework done and i do know im better off without him but i do still miss the good side of him.
last night was the first time i slept in the bed without him (stayed on the sofa the first night) and i thought i would struggle with sleep, but went to sleep about midnight and straight through until 7.30 with only 1 dream i can remember ish about him lol
i can feel the old me coming back ever so slowly which is good! i always was a fighter and never used to take crap from anyone, i am suprised at how much i changed with him. now is the time for me and my children
a big part of me does want him to come back i wont deny that but i know i will never be able to trust him again, i know he has cheated on his ex throughout his relationship with her and a leapard never changes their spots and that. i think another part of me wants him to come back just so i can tell him to do one lol.
im in no way keeping his father involved to leave the door open for him to come back - i think its more of giving him a chance to know whats happening and how the baby is doing more than anything and his father will be the grandad its only right if he wants to know my child, its not wholey his fault that his son turned out to be such a tool
his ex also knows that he cheated on her several times and has taken him back every time, i'll be damned if i'll ever be that much of a walk over lol he will have the shock of his life if he thinks he can come back and i will just roll over and take his crap again
i did fall in love with the guy i mean when it was good it was really good but he was so self absorbed, he used to say he was in touch with his feelings and i would laugh with my mother that he was in touch with his feelings but didnt give a crap about anyone elses. when anything happened he would always say how he felt and i would say how i felt then i would get accused of making it all about me lol!! i would always find myself apologising then, i dont need that rubbish, me and my children deserve a whole lot better!!
i know times are going to be hard and there will be times i remember the good things and break down but i just need to be strong and focus on the many more reasons why i am better off without
i big mean part of me hopes that he does become miserable and realises what he lost - i was the best thing to happen to him he will realise that one day when its too late
From the way you describe him, he sounds like a total flake and his possessiveness is a huge problem too. In all honesty he did you a huge favor by leaving because for him to be a wishy washy flake of a dad to your child is so much worse than not being there at all. And at least now you don't have to worry about being scolded like a child just for having male friends or looking at another car that might have a guy in it (so lame!!). He truly sounds like a huge loser and I really think you're so much better off without someone like that in your life!
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