He Lied to Me!
This is gonna be a long one, guys:
I've been dating my (ex)boyfriend for over 2 years now and we've been living together for over 6 months (same guy I posted about over a year ago). Since the beginning of the relationship, I was head over heels in love. Everything was nice. We obviously had a few arguments here and there, nothing too trivial. The only times any argument blew up was over his flirting and his relationship with other women.
Now, I won't lie. I've made mistakes and I've kissed a guy before. We were a few months into our relationship and I was drunk and kissed someone, but was so guilty that I told him 5 minutes after it happened and I've done anything I can since then to show him that he can trust me.
A year into our relationship, my ex went back to school to become an accountant. During his time at school, he made a new friend named, Anita. I never met her, but I always wanted to if just to put my mind at ease. I was respectful of their friendship; I never pressured him into ending their friendship and felt it was healthy that he had a female friend outside of his and my circle of friends. However, in the back of my mind, I always had this strange feeling that it was more than just friendship. He assured me it was nothing more, that was I was crazy, irrational, and overreacting so I shut up about it, embarrassed about my jealousy. I had had other boyfriends cheat on me before, but I was really working toward not comparing him to those guys.
Things were going fine, until I stupidly came across his unlocked cellular phone. I knew it was wrong, but I looked at it anyway. I found a text asking Anita to come over for lunch, which I was irritated about because a) I don't know her and b) I didn't want some random woman coming back to my apartment without my consent or knowledge. So, I confronted him about it. I told him that it wasn't cool with me and, if he did want her to come to lunch, that I wanted to meet her first just so that I could put a face to a name. Otherwise, I told him, she was just some random girl who was texting my boyfriend. He agreed and told me that he felt sorry for her: she was a 27-year-old, single mother of a 9-year-old and she had this illness where she wasn't able to grow any hair and wore a wig. He played on my sympathy card and I didn't bring it up much after that. However, I did tell him that I really wished that he didn't feel like he had to hide things/her from me. He agreed that he wouldn't
A few weeks later, I openly asked him if he wanted Anita to come join us for lunch one day and he said that he didn't even speak to her anymore. In fact, he whipped out his phone and showed it to me. There were no messages from her or him and I was content with knowing that. Regardless, I didn't want him to feel as though I was limiting him, so I said it was ok for their friendship to continue, as long as - again - he didn't hide things from me. He agreed, but again told me he didn't really care to talk to her anyway.
A month later, I asked him if he and Anita ever spoke anymore. He swore up and down that he didn't even talk to Anita anymore. So, I just brushed it off. Sometimes friendships pass - I know that too well.
Since April, we've been going pretty strong, especially after I came back from a vacation. Our sex life was back on track, we weren't arguing about anything big, I didn't feel as though his flirting was overbearing, and he showered me with so much attention. I was happy and he seemed exceptionally happy with us. We had planned all these trips together this Summer. His parents were going to be in town, our parents were going to meet, my birthday was coming up, he was going to help me plan it...etc etc.
Last Thursday, I finally logged into my ******** again in a long time. I'm a teacher, so I had some down time while the kids were working on an independent project. It was at this time that I realized that I had a pending message that I didn't even notice before. It was from someone I didn't know, who wasn't even on my FB list.
This person told me there was something about my EX that I needed to know. Turns out, he and Anita have regular smoke breaks during work (they work two blocks away from each other). Apparently, they kissed last June, a "make out" or so a screen-capped picture of Anita's text message to her friend said. In the screen caps that I received, she joked about how my ex apparently joked to her about having "booty calls" at our apartment at lunch, because that was when I wasn't there. I was shocked, hurt, and ....well....you know how it is.
I called him out on it and he flat out denied it. He said that the person messaging me was Anita's ex who is crazy and likes to stir things up, which I totally agree with because after a few messages, the guy started harassing me. But, that's beside the point. Half of this was going down on text, as I was still in the classroom. He "SWORE ON HIS LIFE THAT [HE WASN'T] CHEATING ON ME"; he "LOVED ME, WHY WOULD HE WANT TO KISS ANYONE ELSE?"; HE "DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT [ME]!" It wasn't until I basically told him that I had a picture of text messages to prove it that he finally admitted it.
He LIED! ABOUT EVERYTHING! ABOUT NOT MESSAGING HER, ABOUT NOT KISSING HER, ABOUT NOT JOKING ABOUT SEX WITH HER! HE LIED TO MY FACE!
I had never taken a day off work before. I've always been 100% dedicated to my job and my students, but I was in such hysterics that I literally had to leave THAT MOMENT! I had to quickly run from teacher to teacher to see who could cover my last 3 classes and I went home.
It's been a whirlwind of emotions since then. I got the confirmation for 4 different parties that they never slept together, but that doesn't help the situation. I spoke to her and she said that she would have never slept with him, that she was going through a break up and wasn't thinking, that she wasn't that kind of girl. I thanked her for talking to me, but assured her that I would never think back on her fondly or with any respect. That what she did and what he did were so disrespectful beyond belief and that I can only hope that they learn their lessons before they find whomever they end up, even if it means each other.
Once I told him that I spoke to her and what she said, he was really upset, saying she was lying to make herself feel better. And that he was never going to speak to her again - I have no solace in that. His promises mean nothing to me now. And, what if she DID say yes?
It's been so hard, especially finding this out 6 days before my 28th birthday. This is the first time he's doing anything remotely close to cheating, but his flirting has escalated to the point where I can no longer trust him. He hasn't made any attempt to even get me back, but keeps apologizing and I am sick of it. He's staying at the apartment until the end of the month so he can find a new place, but I am so brokenhearted. Part of me wants him back and I feel like I'm going crazy. I love him, but I can't be with him anymore and that kills me.
I don't want him to be the man I will always love, even if he hurt me so badly.
Can anyone just talk to me? I feel like I'm insane.
Re: He Lied to Me!
Ok first of all, you're not insane. This stuff that happened, yes it totally sucks but it's not uncommon (unfortunately). I think that in this situation, you need to see that he is the one who was doing the lying and you were the one going along thinking everything was ok. What does that say about you? That you are the one with integrity in this relationship. You get to walk away knowing that you're not the one who effed this up, he is. There's that, plus the fact that whenever you get into a relationship, it's always a risk. In reading your prior post, it sounds like you had a similar experience to me that most of the guys you've been in relationships have been less than honest. It's a tough thing to realize that but what is empowering about it is being able to look back and realize those were the wrong people for you so you aren't missing out by not being with them anymore.
It would probably be good for you at this point to spend some time on your own once you get him out of your life to just get comfortable with yourself again so you can realize that you don't actually need a guy in your life to make it complete. You can now concentrate on becoming a single, successful, independent person who is secure in themselves. Once you reach that level, you will be less likely to put up with any kind of nonsense from the next guy and you'll be less likely to want to stick around of he messes up. It's easier to walk away from a relationship when you realize it's ok to end it if you're not getting the same level of respect and loyalty that you're giving out. It's not necessary to keep trying work it out when you realize the guy is a shmoe and probably will never get a clue. Do you know what I mean?
So, give your self a break and don't be so hard on yourself. He is clearly an idiot and you're clearly better off without someone like him. You can start making plans for your future now before you move out because then he will see that you mean it and you're not playing this game anymore. He needs to realize that he screwed up and he will be the one left alone while you move on to much better things and better people in your life.
Re: He Lied to Me!
Kszan, is completely right. I'm going through a similar situation with my ex. You can read it here, "How could this be happening".
I was with my ex for almost 7 months and our relationship just ended two weeks ago. Like your ex's female friend, he didn't want me to meet his "best friend" who is an extremely bad influence on him. My ex lied a lot towards the end. He would tell me he was at home and then I would find out he was somewhere else with his friend. One time he gambled all his money away with his friend and started smoking again. I helped him through that mess by giving him money and it just got worse from there. He never fully respected me or my opinions. I always wanted to meet his friend, but he never wanted me to. Always made excuses. It was really weird. For months he would tell me how I'm his soulmate and how in love with me he is. Two weeks ago he breaks up with me through text message and says he doesn't love me anymore. He calls and says it and his friend is laughing in the background. He tells me he is going to find someone else. Like any other woman would put up with all the stuff I put up with. I haven't heard back from him in two weeks! I really did love and care for him and that's why I put up with the nonsense, but apparently I was in his way of gambling all his money away. He even told me that I was too controlling because I didn't think it was a good idea to keep seeing this friend.
What I'm trying to get at is that we both deserve so much better! We need to focus on ourselves. That's awesome you are a teacher. I'm a Biology major and it's my last year and then I'm off to Graduate School. One day, we will find the men that love us and when they say it they really mean it. They won't lie, or cheat. I can't stand liars and cheaters more than anything. Hang out there and I'm always here if you need someone to talk to!
Re: He Lied to Me!
Well, guys, thanks for your lovely words and I'm here to update you and whomever else read this on my situation. I know it's going to sound like venting and that I'm exaggerating, but I write this in the hopes that everyone will learn from my experience.
So, it was my 28th birthday on Wednesday. Like I said before, I found out he kissed Anita and joked about having sex with her just 6 days before. Since writing that last post, I talked to my ex, D, who admitted that he had done it because "it was new and spontaneous and made his heart beat", that there was some attraction there, but he never would've acted on it. Since then, he had been staying at the apartment, in the living room. He would talk to me when he came back from work, like we were friends, that nothing happened, which totally shocked me. He would also come into my room in the morning to tell me to have a good day at work and to remind me "how cute [I] looked in the morning." WHAT IS THIS?!
I decided, on Friday (July 20th), to go out and celebrate my birthday and to not let him or what he did stop me from having fun with my friends. Obviously, by the end of the night, I was sad. The one person whom I wanted to be with me wasn't, and I ended up leaving earlier than I expected.
At the end of the night, my other roommate decided he wanted to sleep at his girlfriend's place, which meant that my ex, D, and I would be in the apartment alone. This was fine, because I had the bedroom and he was sleeping on the couch. It was planned that he would be out of the apartment once he found another suitable place to live - something I thought was nice of me to do, considering he cheated on and betrayed me.
My friends called me (it was around 2am at the time); they were at a restaurant and they wanted me to come out. I refused and they assured me that, once they finished eating, they would come over and bring me something to eat. As a result, I tried to wake my ex up to tell him that a) he was snoring exceptionally loudly and b) that he might want to move to our roommate's room because my ex was sleeping on the couch in his underwear. It was at this point, he exclaimed: "You're such a piece of work, J." He repeated this a few times, to which I told him it wasn't right for him to say anything of the sort considering he was the one who hurt me. He got up and swayed a bit: I could tell he had been drinking or smoking marijuana or something, because he enunciated differently when under the influence.
He then went on to say that he "couldn't wait until Sunday", to which I told him upfront to just come clean about whatever he was insinuating because I was tired of all the bulls**t he had and was again putting me through. He then walked up to me and shoulder-checked me on the way to the bathroom. At this point, my friend A had called me and I had just picked up the phone. I had had enough, I walked up to him, told him to tell me the truth, and to never touch me again. He laughed at me, then said: "You're out, J. You lose the apartment. P (our roommate) and I had a vote, you're out. You're not the friend, you're just the girlfriend. We were just waiting until after your birthday to break the news to you."
I began to cry; when I had originally asked P if he would be okay with me staying at the apartment, he said it was fine. Obviously, they had both been planning this for quite some time behind my back. I slapped him and yelled at him, how could he put me through this again. He started shouting at me, calling me a weirdo and crazy and that he was happy to be rid of me. I had never hit him in our relationship before.
It was at this point that he pushed me on the floor and told me to get up and stop crying because it was nothing and that I was just exaggerating. I dropped my phone, so my friend, A, was hearing the entire thing and, I guess, told my other friends that it was not going well.
D walked to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. I followed him in and protested against them kicking me out. I told them that it wasn't right for them to displace me after everything he had put me through. He LAUGHED IN MY FACE and said: "So, what? Yeah, I cheated on you, but - guess what, J? - I got the apartment." I lost it; I began to scream at him through tears, slapping him, telling him what a **** he was and how he could put me through this after everything I gave him. I supported him financially, mentally, physically. I nurtured him; told him everything was great, that he was great. AND THIS IS HOW I'M REPAID?
I sat on my couch in the living room and began to bawl. He walked past me, outside on to the balcony, and said this: "You know what, J? You're not even on the lease. It's my name and P's name. We could have you evicted tomorrow. So, it's bye bye to downtown for you, J. Go back to Mommy and Daddy's house. You're out." Then, what came out of his mouth next shocked me beyond belief.
"Because, the truth is, J; the truth is this: Women. Never. Win."
What more could I say? I was beaten, bruised, and depressed. He took my heart, my pride, everything. It was at this point, I just let him say whatever; he started calling me names, crazy, *****, whatever. At that point, my friends walked into the door. And, D just...snapped? He acted as though nothing was wrong, he said brightly: "Hey, guys! How's it going? Hey, A! Long time, no see!" and gave my friend a high-five?!
I went into my bedroom and D tried to follow me in. Now that people were there, he began apologizing, saying how he never meant to hurt me. I slammed my bedroom door in his face. My guy friends stayed outside with him, talking about God knows what. I packed a bag and stayed at a friend's place.
The next morning, my friends banded together and helped me move out of the apartment at top speed. During this time, D was texting me, telling me that what I did last night was uncalled for, how he only remembers me physically attacking him like some crazy person. I didn't even bother to reply, because he obviously had gotten so drunk that he didn't remember, or that he pretended not to remember so as to be a victim. I had had it. No more games.
I wanted to get everything out of the apartment before he came home from his lunch date - I guess, with his parents? My friends had already taken the majority of everything and had driven it to my parents' and aunt's place. I was doing one final sweep of the place with my sister, my aunt, and my 10 year old cousin, when D walked back into the apartment. I ushered my family outside and told them to wait a bit. I wanted my peace of mind. I recounted - without any tears - the entire story back to D, who assured me that he couldn't believe he would say that to me. I told him that, after two years of trying to convince me that I was jealous, crazy and irrational, I finally knew that it was HIM who was crazy. To push a girl, jeer at them, revel in your adulterous ways, throwing out misogynistic comments, turning Dr. Jekall and Mr. Hyde on my friends, it was all INSANE! It was too insane for me! That he cheated on his exes before, cheated on me, and was probably going to cheat on his next girlfriend. That he would never learn to be a better man. That I took him back after he said he was going to shank me in my sleep one time - SHAME ON ME! I told him that his issues were not about selfishness anymore, that it was PSYCHOLOGICAL! And then, I left.
I've never been more proud of myself. I hope to God my story shows someone on here that they shouldn't make excuses for losers who manipulate them into believing that they love you. A good relationship is where there is trust and commitment, where you shouldn't feel like you're crazy for wanting them to stay truthful to you. Be strong, stay strong. You're worth it.
Re: He Lied to Me!
I'm so proud of you and this gives me hope too! My ex lied to me all the time and made up stories! When you said " They shouldn't make excuses for losers who manipulate them into believing that they love you"., was perfect! You couldn't have said it better! This is exactly where I am at. Both of our exes used us. I gave my ex money, food, rides, gas money, etc. I gave him my heart and soul and he tore my heart out. We are better off without them! We deserve trust and respect. We deserve men, not boys! We deserve to be treated like a princess. We should NEVER settle for less and that was my problem!! We don't need men! They need us! We can survive without them! I'm sorry that he treated you this way. We are WAY better off without these losers! The sad part is that they don't even realize what they lost!! I haven't seen or heard from my ex in two weeks! Even if he wanted me back; I would never take him back. I hope you never take him back either! There are billions of men out there and we will find the right one, one day! Stay strong and I'm always here if you need someone to talk to!
Re: He Lied to Me!
Sorry about your break up. I hope you can look back and learn so many lessons from all of this. I don't think your boyfriend was so out of it that he doesn't remember what he said. If there was truth to he and your other roommate kicking you out, then that part wasn't a lie. Plus, how he played Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde when your friends came over, he knew darn well what he was doing. Don't let him play you for a fool any longer. Stay strong, take time for yourself, and move on.
Don't move in with anyone without your name on the lease. Although, in this case, it may have been a good thing that you were not on the lease, because you got to walk away without having to look back.
You deserve better! Good luck!
Re: He Lied to Me!
Wow. This guy sounds like a total nutcase. I'm glad you're finally rid of him. Now that you have found your power, no one will ever be able to take it from you. Congratulations! You'll be a much stronger, smarter, better person for having gone through this. It will be much harder now for another smooth talking sociopathic loser to pull on over on you again.
Re: He Lied to Me!
GOOD FOR YOU!
I cannot believe this scenario! D is a total jerk!
It's hard enough when relationships break down for any reason, it's hard enough to lose someone you loved and have been so intimate with for any length of time...but it's worse when their own actions cause that break down, and it's MUCH worse if they then act CRUELLY towards you afterwards. It's disgusting.
I am so glad you are free of that destructive relationship. You deserve, and will find when you're ready, someone who TRULY loves you and you will see a HUGE difference in how you feel. You won't be insecure, paranoid or worried anymore. You will be relaxed and content.
Re: He Lied to Me!
[QUOTE=LPJessica22;5025232]I'm so proud of you and this gives me hope too! My ex lied to me all the time and made up stories! When you said " They shouldn't make excuses for losers who manipulate them into believing that they love you"., was perfect! You couldn't have said it better! This is exactly where I am at. Both of our exes used us. I gave my ex money, food, rides, gas money, etc. I gave him my heart and soul and he tore my heart out. We are better off without them! We deserve trust and respect. We deserve men, not boys! We deserve to be treated like a princess. We should NEVER settle for less and that was my problem!! We don't need men! They need us! We can survive without them! I'm sorry that he treated you this way. We are WAY better off without these losers! The sad part is that they don't even realize what they lost!! I haven't seen or heard from my ex in two weeks! Even if he wanted me back; I would never take him back. I hope you never take him back either! There are billions of men out there and we will find the right one, one day! Stay strong and I'm always here if you need someone to talk to![/QUOTE]
I know you said that "The sad part is they will never know what they lost", but I think what you have to remember (and I'm really trying to remind myself) is that it doesn't matter what they think anymore. If WE know what they lost, that's all that matters. Because what does that say about us? It says we have self-value. A lot of women end up in these relationships and, worse yet, stay in these relationships because their own value depends on how much they can be loved by others. These men will not love anyone more than or at least equal to how much they love themselves. Let's keep remembering that. :)
Re: He Lied to Me!
I know you said that "The sad part is they will never know what they lost", but I think what you have to remember (and I'm really trying to remind myself) is that it doesn't matter what they think anymore. If WE know what they lost, that's all that matters. Because what does that say about us? It says we have self-value. A lot of women end up in these relationships and, worse yet, stay in these relationships because their own value depends on how much they can be loved by others. These men will not love anyone more than or at least equal to how much they love themselves. Let's keep remembering that. :)[/QUOTE]
Hey! You are so right! I just talked to my therapist about this today and she said the same thing. It really doesn't matter what they think anymore. For myself I need to increase my self-value and self-esteem. I struggle with that a lot and I think that's a lot of my problems when it comes to relationships. If I had high self-esteem than I probably would have ended the relationship a long time ago when he started putting me second and lying to me. My therapist also told me that when I feel sad, or start to miss him, to become angry. She said anger can be good because it helps you to stay out of the depression mode. Get mad at what he did to you and how he treated you. I'm going to stay single for a very long time and start working on myself. I need to realize what I deserve in a relationship and how I should be treated. Before, I was so afraid to be single. So afraid to be alone, but it's that bad! I know have all this free time to think about myself and what I want out of my life. I have this time to focus on my education and focusing on what makes me happy outside of a relationship. Everytime I'm in a relationship I lose a sense of myself. I just do what they want and don't really take myself into consideration and I need to change that! We will get through this! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
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