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Need relationship advice please

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Old 07-21-2012, 11:42 AM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sydney Australia
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Dalton56 HB User
Need relationship advice please

I'm a 26 yr old and meet a 22yr girl around 18 months ago. After meeting we had instant chemistry. She had recently moved to Sydney from Adelaide to care for her mother leaving her family thou she was living with her x boyfriend. Her mum was ment to be ill and only months too live. After months of seeing each other she finally introduced me to her "I'll" mum that turned out to be a crazy alcoholic. ( mum claiming to be ill was a load of c##p and just a lie to be re united with her daughter ) Cut a long story short her mum loved me to bits and totally approved of me. Months later At Xmas time her crazy mum kicked her out, she wanted to move back to dads but he "had no room for her"to which I then let her move in with me. ( at this stage only official 2 weeks) She then lost her job and I have treated her like a princess giving her everything ever since. I have supported her 100% financially and paid every bill. Food electricity my mortgage her car costs etc etc for 8 months her never finding employment. Yesterday her father who I've never meet ( and she always had our relationship on the down low from him untill a week ago he found out ) flys here and makes her pack her stuff and move home. He says it's about time He conclude her †into the family as he realizes how much he pushed her away ( because she moved to care for mum ) †Yes I guess it's her decision and shes 23 yrs old but she has told me she feels pressured into going and she's unsure. She has never been accepted into her family ( dad ) as he re married and she took her mothers side when they divorced- step mum gave her hard time. ( Some things in the past why she claims to be pushed out of the family would be because she was not included on over seas holidays, Xmas , special family events etc etc) . her father never even invited her to his wedding it all happened behind her back when she was 17. Her father flew here packed her stuff and took her. Now she is in another state and I'm confused. She tells me she is going to trial this for a month as she has never had a family and wants to re fit back in ( she did have a very hard upbringing I'm led to believe ), but she's confused because she loves me to death and I'm all she ever wants. As her mother is now in a home she no longer speaks or sees her after getting booted at Xmas. What I want to know is am I now second best.? I picked her up off her feet when she had no where to go. Her father never offered to take her in, never gave her 1 dollar for support and when he came to get her refused to meet me, not even a thank u for supporting his daughter. She has left all her stuff at my house and is planning on returning in 4 weeks unsure of she will stay in adelaide or stay in a relationship with me. I'm so confused in what to do / how to feel. Am I just an option ?? Help?

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Old 07-21-2012, 09:26 PM   #2
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Re: Need relationship advice please

She is an extreme co-dependant. By helping her, you didn't really help her. I have had to learn this in my own relatively new relationship.

You have to learn to step back and let her be herself. Learn to be supportive without enabling her. This is a very hard thing for me because my parents taught me to be an enabler myself.

You are learning something important about her... how important a sense of familiarity is to her... that familiarity is comforting to her, regardless of how bad the situation is. She would rather feel some form of comfort than be independent. And, she let her dad control her, even though she is an adult. She showed she isn't and/or can't be independent of him.

By letting her make her own decisions, you will learn who she is. Unless you want to live with him in your life and in your marriage and relationship, you need to do some serious thinking. What would stop him from walking back into her life and taking her back home again in the future? NOTHING!

Unfortunately you should have never let her move in with you if you wanted to be with her in a marriage. Statistically, relationships where the 2 live together before marriage, don't work out more often than they do. As hard as it may be, you have to let her go.

If she comes back to you, I would suggest you encourage her to get her own place, so you can then spend more time learning who she is. Then, you have to decide, if who she really is, is who you want to be with. She, too, will have to decide if you are who she wants to be with. And if either of you decide in the negative, then it won't matter what decision the other makes. You can't change someone.

Just because you 'feel' love doesn't mean she is the right person for you. If she goes back with her dad, she will show you that she is an extreme dependent on him. That comfort is more important to her than getting out of a bad situation. I do not believe you can have a healthy relationship with someone like that.

I would suggest you get outside counseling as well... I'm judging based on what you posted, but a counselor will be able to see things that I can't pick up on from a post. I'm replying based on my own very recent experiences... hope it helps.

Old 07-21-2012, 09:46 PM   #3
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sydney Australia
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Dalton56 HB User
Re: Need relationship advice please

Thank you very much for acknowledging my issues. You have certainly helped me. Thank you.

Old 07-21-2012, 10:28 PM   #4
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Re: Need relationship advice please

I feel that this girl has family issues to resolve before she is capable of moving on and forming an adult relationship. She has had no parenting for goodness knows how long, and then her father suddenly wants to involve her in his family life. There is no way she isn't going to jump at this chance to fix some of her early life. It may not work out but she must have the chance. Maybe her father is an undeserving jerk, maybe not. The bottom line is that she needs this more than she needs a romantic relationship. Let her sort this out for herself. If you belong together she will find her way back, hopefully with less baggage than otherwise. Sera

Old 07-21-2012, 11:52 PM   #5
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sydney Australia
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Dalton56 HB User
Re: Need relationship advice please

Thank u sera.

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