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Old 07-25-2012, 12:47 PM   #1
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He couldn't look at me

My ex broke up with me a year ago. It was a LDR and he flew to my city to tell me he loved me only to break up with me by email the following week. I saw him a month after the break up and he had a spring in his step -- soon after, I found out he was already with someone else.

I've had a tough time getting over him. A real tough time. But I can say I'm over the break up now. I still find it tough on some days.

I've remained single since the break up. I wanted to work on myself and not rush into a rebound relationship. I worked, travelled, made new friends, started new hobbies etc.

I tried to keep in touch with him a few months after the break up so I would occassionally email him -- at first, I told him I was over things, apologised for being a bad girlfriend and asked to be friends. He was friendly when he replied but I felt it in was insincere.

Not once in a single year did he ever contact me to say hi or how are you. Not once. Not even to ask about a hospital appointment I went to right before he broke up with me.

Anyway, I saw him in his city two months ago for the first time since last year. I had to let him see me looking my best and during a fantastic working trip. He called/messaged every day while I was in his city -- he was very keen to meet up. But when we met up -- all he did was look down into his cup of coffee; he could barely look at me and he certainly didn't have that spring in his step!

While I was happy, glowing and looking my best, he looked gaunt like and miserable. He just finished exams and is looking for a job so I told him he'd have no problem finding a great position etc, generally being supportive and encouraging. Yet he didn't offer me a single nice word, not even a smile.

He mentioned he was "taken" which I found a bit odd. Later, I found out he was going on holiday with the girl who he started with after me. Not sure if he left me for her but I think he did...they got together around 10 days after we broke up.

He's moved on. I'm over it -- and said many months ago that things are ok between us.

So why the misery?

Shame? Guilt? If so, why not be friendly and nice as a way to make up for that?

Last edited by hummingbird12; 07-25-2012 at 12:58 PM.

 
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Old 07-25-2012, 01:00 PM   #2
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Re: He couldn't look at me

Why do you care? Maybe you haven't moved on as thoroughly as you think. It ended so abruptly, it is possible you need more closure. You won't get it from him. Forget about him. Sera

 
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Old 07-25-2012, 01:08 PM   #3
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Re: He couldn't look at me

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Why do you care? Maybe you haven't moved on as thoroughly as you think. It ended so abruptly, it is possible you need more closure. You won't get it from him. Forget about him. Sera
Hey, thanks for your message. I should clarify: I'm sad from time to time but that's not to say I'm not over it. And this isn't about closure --I got that a long time ago; he didn't love me. I found his behaviour so odd, it has made me curious.

 
Old 07-25-2012, 05:48 PM   #4
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Re: He couldn't look at me

The fact that you "had" to let him see you looking your best and that you still contact him proves that while you might no longer be in love with him, you still care what he thinks about you. And that means you still have work to do to move on.

Seeing and contacting an ex is a sure way to keep you stuck. You remain in the mindset you were during the relationship (caring and wondering what he thinks about you, caring about your appearance when you see him, maybe even wondering if he didn't look good because it hurt him to see you or because he's not happy with his current girlfriend) and that makes it almost impossible to put the relationship completely in your past.

I recommend stopping all contact and not making any more attempts to stay "friends", because that's a dangerous path that can lead to fantasies about getting back together.

 
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Old 07-25-2012, 08:39 PM   #5
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Re: He couldn't look at me

I agree. It's not your business what his problem is. I personally don't think it's necessary to contact him, to show him how well you're doing to show how mature you are and how "over it" you are. He didn't care enough about you to stay with you, to be honest with you, as he probably cheated on you with the girl he left you for, or to contact you to see how you are. He's just some guy you used to know, and who no longer has anything to do with your life.

 
Old 07-25-2012, 08:58 PM   #6
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Re: He couldn't look at me

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Originally Posted by hummingbird12 View Post
Hey, thanks for your message. I should clarify: I'm sad from time to time but that's not to say I'm not over it. And this isn't about closure --I got that a long time ago; he didn't love me. I found his behaviour so odd, it has made me curious.
Hummingbird,

He didn't love you? How long were you with him? He told you he did though, right? That has happened to me many times. My ex did that to me. Said he loved me for months and then one day said he didn't love me and is finding someone else. It's horrible when me do that. I'm sorry. You deserve better and I'm glad you are over it! My horrible break up just happened three weeks ago, so I'm trying to move on as well.

 
Old 07-26-2012, 01:39 AM   #7
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Re: He couldn't look at me

Thanks for everyone's posts. I have read each one and taken on the points made.

Unfortunately, a year isn't a long time to get over such hurtful things but being positive about moving on for myself helps -- how far long, doesn't matter, I have to tell myself I'm doing OK and moving on.

I haven't contacted him since and have no plans to either.

Returning to my original post -- does anyone have any answers to my questions? This isn't about wanting to look for signs to get back together. I think he probably felt ashamed and guilty -- otherwise why couldn't someone look you in the eyes, instead of looking down into their drink? Why wouldn't someone, who was so keen to meet up, not ask a single question or make a single nice comment in return -- having not seen you in a year?

What did I do to him to make him behave like that? Or, rather, what could make him like that?

I told him I had moved on and apologies for everything months ago. There was no issue -- and there isn't for me. Apart from his behaviour the last time I saw him. Well, it's no longer an issue. But I am curious.

And now this leads me onto...why would he have behaved so badly during the break up? I never lied, cheated etc. I did act slightly indifferent during the break up but that's because I was afraid -- for good reason, it seems!

I just don't get why people have to behave in ways that cause so much hurt. He didn't have to hurt me like that. And he still can't be nice!

Last edited by hummingbird12; 07-26-2012 at 01:52 AM.

 
Old 07-26-2012, 06:53 AM   #8
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Re: He couldn't look at me

it doesn't matter why.....all that matters is that is how he is.....
you need to stop seeking his approval......
validate yourself by just knowing you're a smart, beautiful, educated girl.....stop looking for him to do it for you

 
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Old 07-26-2012, 05:41 PM   #9
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Re: He couldn't look at me

"Why" doesn't matter. Why he does what he does should no longer be a factor in your life. In fact, you wouldn't want to meet up "looking your best" because you wouldn't need to show him anything or prove anything to him, because you just plain wouldn't care what he thinks of you.

I believe you are still very hurt, possibly even still heartbroken, if you're still asking why he could hurt you when he broke up with you. I get it, no one likes being dumped so callously, but it happened a year ago, and you're better off without him for sure.

 
Old 07-26-2012, 06:57 PM   #10
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Re: He couldn't look at me

Perhaps this is his real, shifty self, which he didn't show you before except that it became obvious by the way he treated you. Not knowing him, it is impossible to speculate on his thoughts but his body language shouts discomfort. Some people are just not honorable or decent. Forget all about him, he is not worth the space in your head that he is occupying. Sera.

 
Old 07-28-2012, 07:18 AM   #11
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Re: He couldn't look at me

I remember your entire story. It really is time to move on and stop seeing him. It obviously only makes you more confused. It is like you are still searching for answers. I don't think you are going to get them.
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Old 07-28-2012, 08:42 AM   #12
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Re: He couldn't look at me

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I've looked for answers from exes many times. I've posted here many times. It took me a VERY long time to realize I would never get answers from them. They would never help me find the closure I needed. In two specific cases, I was treated poorly, but my low self-esteem kept me there, even after they left. I would contact them, to hold onto something, anything. It took me a LONG time to stick up for myself and let them know they were wrong for how they treated me. The problem was...me finally sticking up for myself was WAY after we broke up. It dawned on me the other day. I will try to make this simple. I dated an old high school friend a few years ago. We got back in touch with each other online. I had a major crush on him in high school. I think that was part of what was hard. He hurt me in high school and I made myself believe we were meant to be together now. He had many personal issues that he was dealing with. When it was getting closer to being intimate, he bailed, but never officially broke up with me. Just stopped calling. I was devastated. I tried to be there for him, thinking he needed time. He kept telling me he was better on his own. But he always returned my contact, so it confused me. Out of nowhere, he started dating this girl (when he was better off alone). Told me they were only friends. I couldn't find my own closure so I continued contact, until one day I lost it because it finally hit me I was being treated poorly. That was the day he told me to leave him alone. He should've been a man and should've been honest, especially knowing me years ago. Low and behold she became his wife. I can't tell you what that felt like. I felt I "just" wasn't good enough. Him needing to be alone turned into marrying who he dated after me. Now a few years later, I feel so silly for holding on for so long, thinking he must think I'm nuts. Another ex, who was in contact with in recent months is the most hurtful person I've ever met. I wrote about him on here as well. Today is actually his bday (gag). We dated 9 years ago. To this day, I've never met another person who drew me in as he did. The moment we laid eyes on each other, it was instant chemistry. He's ripped my heart out repeatedly. He never gave me answers. But through the years, contacted me every now and again online. Always acting interested, only for a few weeks later to disappear. He thinks he does no wrong, yet it's obvious he is very manipulative. I let him in each time, thinking he grew up. NOPE!!! This last time we actually went out. Had a great time! A few weeks later, same thing, bailed. But when I called him out on it because I reached my limit, he tore into me. He told me he never wanted to see me, even the night we went out. What's funny is he set that whole thing up. I've never had someone speak to me as he did. I never even responded. I cried for days but realized he can't handle his issues and turns things around on people. After 9 years, he's stuck in the same place. Yet, I woke up crying this morning, thinking today is his bday. I feel I deserve to be happy but can't find the right person. I shared my experiences, to let you know others have done the same. I think you should break all contact with him. Don't try anymore! Don't let him back anymore. As far as why you feel as you do, maybe as much as you're better, you're not 100% over it. As for myself, I try to dust myself off and move forward, but it's not easy at all. I do really well for a while, then have a random moment of being caught up in it all. I may have babbled but I hope it helped to hear another story.

 
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