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Old 07-25-2012, 10:11 PM   #1
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Andi22 HB User
Boyfriend's Mother Issues

I'm not sure if I just want some advice or somebody to listen but here it goes, it's a bit long, but bear with me. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend whom I'll call Eric for two years now. He's a wonderful guy that treats me unbelievably well. His mother however is not the best person. At 17 she got pregnant with my boyfriend by someone that was sent to jail soon after. Two months after he was born she got pregnant by another man and had his brother. She "took care" of Eric and his half brother for awhile in her parents basement with his brother's father. Eventually things didn't work out and he left taking the brother with him and telling my boyfriend that he wasn't his father. His mother soon gave Eric to her parents. After all the adoption papers were signed they told her that she would never get him back seeing as she was irresponsible and selfish and definitely not someone who was fit to raise a child. However she was still allowed to see him. This woman subjected him to a man that hit him then took everything Eric had out of her apartment when he left. When he was 12 she called the cops on an offense that I will not go into full detail as I'd like to keep this rather anonymous. However I will say that what he did was not as serious as the charges that he was given, which consisted of 4 years of going through the children's judicial system and also of being ripped from his life to live in a home for troubled people for 8 months. I would like to take the time here to say that he was only a child that didn't know better and didn't do anything as serious as it was made out to be, from what he's said to me a lot of the reasons behind what he did though were his father who was in and out of jail all the time, his mother who was a sporadic visitor, and his grandparents who are not the kind of people that show affection or give praise. This was a few years ago. His mother has married another man and has another child now. Remarkably he still allows his mother into his life after all she's done and even with how she treats him now. This woman hasn't given him a hug in over a year. In fact it's very obvious that she loves her other two children more than him with the way that she acts. Sadly enough he knows this. Though I've never respected her for what she's done and is doing to him I have never been anything but polite to her because what's happened is between her and him. However a month ago this woman came to Eric and accused me of using him. She's been around me a total of maybe 4 or 5 times none of which were very long. He of course defended me and I called her up and calmly tried to talk to her and see how she thought this and what could be done to resolve the issue. That is until she started getting crappy with me. I did not think it was acceptable and the situation rapidly went down hill and ended up with me calling her a few choice words. I can no longer stand to even hear her name, she's 30 some years old and still immature and ignorant as ever. It's almost sad in a way. However I feel badly for Eric and I'm afraid it hurts him that I can't stand her on top of his grandparents (for the unwelcoming way in which they treat me). He already knew how I felt about his grandparents because they aren't quite nice to anybody and was very supportive of me because of this (I am still respectful towards them though as that's how I've been raised), however one day I came out with how I think he should just cut his ties to his mother. Though I know she is his mother and no matter what you always love your parents, she causes him nothing but pain and now she's moved on to me. Which makes me pretty angry considering I've helped Eric through a lot of problems in his life and a lot of the issues from his past, and also that I have no idea how I can possibly use him when he currently has no job. I'm not really sure what to do here. I've got a short temper when it comes to people like her and soon I'm unfortunately going to be graced by her presence once again. So if you've actually managed to get through all of this. I hope someone out there can give me advice. My initial plan is to not talk to her but she's the kind of person that may make that unavoidable. I'm also afraid this may affect our relationship. So any input would be lovely. Thank you.

Last edited by Andi22; 07-25-2012 at 10:17 PM.

 
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:40 PM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend's Mother Issues

Hi there Andi,

It is obvious that this is causing you a great deal of discomfort, but I agree that it is a slippery slope to tread upon.

May I ask a few questions to fill in some blanks I have? At this point, are you and Eric living together? Under what circumstances do you have to see or speak to his mother? Most of us can force ourselves to be cordial if the meetings are infrequent, or anticipated. Once the decorum has been broken though, it can be harder to reel it back in.

If I were you, I would limit any chance to have dialog with Erics mother, and if you do, do your best to leave it at the weather, or local news. Any personal feelings should be left to the imagination. Since you do not have any position of authority with Eric or his mother yet (not married), your choice to remain silent would be your best bet. If any direct inquiries are made of you, you can simply state that you "are respectively not in a position to comment" on that subject.

After all, you have not been present in any of the situations that these opinions were made, and while you have no reason to believe Eric would make any of this up, it is hearsay, and therefore right up there with gossip. I think you would gain the most amount or respect by remaining mum. From what you have described, her feelings are quite askew, and what she thinks of you is not of the most importance.

While our families can have great bearing on our relationships, it would be a shame to loose your boyfriend over his mother and grendmother. May I ask both your ages? There are other times when relationships with family can be toxic, and have a very negative effect on you both. It is up to you to determine which of these categories this one falls into. While for most of us, such a painful and disfunctional childhood would leave us scarred and alone, if your boyfriend has found a way to overcome all the obstacles that have been put in his path, more power to him.

I hope this helps you a bit...
janet

 
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:25 PM   #3
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Andi22 HB User
Re: Boyfriend's Mother Issues

I'm in my late teens and he's a year and a couple months older. Right now we aren't living together, college and my job are my main priority at the moment. And thankfully he's very understanding of that. We don't have to see her too often. Mostly family functions that are few and far between. It's not normally a topic we discuss but he's been wanting me to go to a family party that's coming up this weekend and I've been a bit iffy since she'll be there. And I know he really wants me to be apart of the family. Which means a lot to me. It's just been a bit stressful since I'm not too fond of her and don't wish there to be anymore problems. And though I'm sure that nothing that involves his mother will ever break us up because he knows how she is. I don't want there to be any strain in our relationship because of this. He's a great guy and he's done well for himself. He's even taken me to the home he was at when he went to talk to kids that are in there now. He's the kind of guy that when the time comes I could see myself settling down with him. I just felt the need to vent some and I figured if someone could give me some advice that'd be great. So thank you so much for replying I appreciate it.

 
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