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Old 07-28-2012, 02:21 PM   #1
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Question Breakup Advice? Why would an ex want to be friends?

Hello everyone, I just need some input on the following situation:

My boyfriend of a few weeks broke up with me because we "fought too much". To be honest, he initiated a lot and I'd continue. Other than that I was extremely nice and sweet to him when we weren't fighting. His family loved me and welcomed me with open arms. The breakup was kind of a surprising being that we often talked about the future (what we would name our kids and such. Weird I know) I think I initiated the breakup because with all the fighting we had been going through I suggested we take a break (like not call or text for a few days) and he just ended it. He expressed interest in being friends and right now we are but I do secretly want us back together. Why would he want to stay friends after the breakup? Also I saw he reactivated his dating profile on the website we met on. Is he really over this? We were texting the other day (Wednesday), it was light and fun texting. It went on for about three - four hours. I tried texting him today and didn't get a response. I don't want to harass him so I'm not going to follow up with another text.

 
Old 07-28-2012, 02:41 PM   #2
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Re: Breakup Advise? Why would an ex want to be friends?

I've found exes ask to "stay friends" for 3 basic reasons:

1) because they are the one who initiated the breakup and are trying to let the other person down easy (not wanting to be "mean" or hurt the other person any more than necessary).
2) because they are the one who was broken up with and they are hoping that by "staying friends", the other person will see how wonderful they are, regret breaking up, and ask to get back together (this person may even allow post-breakup sex in the hopes it will make the other person fall back in love...but they end up hurt even worse IMO).
3) because they are the one who initiated the breakup, but they are hoping to continue having sex with the person they broke up with without having to actually be a couple.

My ex contacts me every so often and I found out it was whenever he and his current girlfriend get into a big fight. Of course I ignore him because I know all he wants is his ego stroked and maybe some free sex from me and I'm not doing that.

If you secretly want to get back together, I can advise you that trying to "stay friends" in the hopes he will want to reunite (see #2 above), you may end up being really hurt if/when he starts dating someone else. Can you truly be fine with him dating other girls or maybe even getting a new girlfriend? If not, I suggest giving up the idea of "staying friends" because you'll end up getting hurt even worse.

Last edited by CadenceA; 07-28-2012 at 02:42 PM.

 
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Old 07-28-2012, 02:55 PM   #3
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Re: Breakup Advise? Why would an ex want to be friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
I've found exes ask to "stay friends" for 3 basic reasons:

1) because they are the one who initiated the breakup and are trying to let the other person down easy (not wanting to be "mean" or hurt the other person any more than necessary).
2) because they are the one who was broken up with and they are hoping that by "staying friends", the other person will see how wonderful they are, regret breaking up, and ask to get back together (this person may even allow post-breakup sex in the hopes it will make the other person fall back in love...but they end up hurt even worse IMO).
3) because they are the one who initiated the breakup, but they are hoping to continue having sex with the person they broke up with without having to actually be a couple.

My ex contacts me every so often and I found out it was whenever he and his current girlfriend get into a big fight. Of course I ignore him because I know all he wants is his ego stroked and maybe some free sex from me and I'm not doing that.

If you secretly want to get back together, I can advise you that trying to "stay friends" in the hopes he will want to reunite (see #2 above), you may end up being really hurt if/when he starts dating someone else. Can you truly be fine with him dating other girls or maybe even getting a new girlfriend? If not, I suggest giving up the idea of "staying friends" because you'll end up getting hurt even worse.
Thank you for your input. We had such a nice conversation the other day me and the ex. I stopped texting a few times and he initiated. Today I asked about hanging out and he said sorry he doesn't think we should. I know, I know not a very smart move but I wanted to know just how "friendly" his intentions were. I think now it was just a ploy to make me calm down over the breakup. So...yea. Thank you.

 
Old 07-28-2012, 03:46 PM   #4
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Re: Breakup Advise? Why would an ex want to be friends?

In your case I believe "let's stay friends" was his way of saying "I don't hate you, you are a nice person, but I don't want to be with you anymore. In order to not hurt you any more than necessary, I'll say I want to be 'friends' but that doesn't mean I want to hang out, spend time together, or get back together. But I don't really intend for us to be close. Sorry to have hurt you".

He's probably a decent enough person, but sometimes things just don't work out. By the way he leapt on your suggestion of a "break" and changed it to a full-on breakup suggests that he was tired of all the fighting and just wanted it to be over. Again, nothing wrong with either of you, but if there's a lot of fighting (no matter the reasons) then the relationship probably isn't meant to be.

I'm sure you'll meet someone you don't fight much with (if at all) and you'll see how much better of a relationship it will be.

 
Old 07-28-2012, 03:47 PM   #5
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Re: Breakup Advice? Why would an ex want to be friends?

Thing is, you weren't dating all that long. So maybe he thinks that he actually does like you as a person, but that you weren't working out as bf and gf.

I am friends with a couple of my exes. One I just dated a few times, one I dated for several months. Thing is, I did not jump directly from dating to friends. Most people need a "cooling-off" period in between, and the length of that period varies a lot.

Perhaps it would be best if you don't spend too much time with him, just for a little while. If you feel hurt, take some time to get over your hurt--alone. Then, if you and he and your other friends want to spend time together, have fun.

 
Old 07-28-2012, 04:35 PM   #6
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Re: Breakup Advice? Why would an ex want to be friends?

Thank you both. I have taken what you both said into consideration and decided to just leave things be and move on with my life. I'm going to be extremely busy in the next couple of weeks anyways. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that we broke up. Again, thank you

 
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