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Old 07-28-2012, 08:30 PM   #1
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Lost my family for no reason

Ok. When I was a kid my father's side of the family acted strange to me, but we got along fairly well. I got presents on the holidays and we spent time together, cousins spent the night at my house and I at theirs. They were always butt holes towards me, But I thought that was normal.

Then when I was 17 my father died suddenly at 41 years old. I pretty much never saw them again. The Christmas presents stopped, the visits stopped, everything stopped. I dealt with the loss of my dad alone. About 15 years later I went to a family reunion and they were all there. They said hi and then went on to ignore me. I tried to see them a couple more times and each time they were less enthused about seeing me. Which was awful because they weren't too happy to see me in the first place. They kept talking about the family web page, but when I asked for the url I was met with silence. It was my father's side of the family and my aunt sold an item he made her at an auction they held and during the auction they spoke highly of my dad. But it quickly went out of my price range and someone else bought it.

I found quite a few of them on a social site and sent them all friend requests. That was months ago and not a single one approved it. I never once did anything that I can think of to cause them to act that way to me. I was a good kid until Dad died. Then in an attempt to not think about it I did a lot of bad things. I did not get caught for any of it so it was never legal trouble. I just acted out and worked through the pain with drugs, sex and violence. They could not have known about any of it since they cut off contact once he died. Since then I have raised 2 kids, ran a business for 18 years and stayed out of trouble.

I tried many times to reconnect with them and have been met with polite indifference.

And I have tried and tried to understand why they do not want to be any part of my life. One day I had aunts, uncles, cousins and a grandmother. The next nothing. It was like when he died I died too. It bothers me to no end. I spend too much time wondering what I did to make them not like me any more. I have grown weary of reaching out only to be slapped away. I have asked them what I did and never got any answer. They speak when spoken to, but otherwise when I am around them it is like I am not there.

I feel I need to know why they are like that to me. The failure to accept even one friend request stung a lot. It still hurts. They do not even want me know what they do on a social site. I am a complete outcast to them.

Has anyone else lost half their family when a parent died? How did you deal with it? Did you ever find out why? Does anyone know of a way I could find out why? Does anyone know how that could happen? I feel they never loved me as a relative and dad dying was their perfect excuse to cut me loose. But I was a kid then and it makes no sense to me. I need closure. I need a reason. Asking them only brings silence. Asking people that know them brings silence. Sometimes I want to change my last name because of this. Any help?

 
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Old 07-29-2012, 01:03 AM   #2
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

I have seen this happen before, but there was always one cousin or relative who would respond. Did they have issues with your mother? Not that that should make any difference to you. It is awful for you and i find this sort of thing really hard to understand. Do not change your name - it is your father's name and you have total right to it. I am sorry about this; there i s really nothing you can do, unless there is one of them you can approach on their own. Sera

 
Old 07-29-2012, 06:02 AM   #3
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

I know my grandpa did not like Mom too much. He certainly did not like me. My memories of him consist of him calling me names I can't repeat here. He died when I was 8. I was happy he died because he was nothing but mean and cruel to me for no reason. But from what I remember and from what Mom says they seemed to like her ok. She is pretty annoyed by them abandoning us to. Once Dad's funeral was paid for she did not hear from them again.

 
Old 07-31-2012, 09:33 PM   #4
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

almost the same happend to me
but for me it was after my grandma died
when she died no1 seemed to care not even mom

how i got over it
i just stopped caring and created my own world and hid in it
i never found out why but tbh don't wanne know cuz
why should i care about those who don't care about me

it could have been something from a long time ago even from
before u were born some had happend an arguement or anything
and ur dad was the glue that kept it 2gether
without him people just didn't see the point anymore
in showing up

my advice to u is keep focussed on your future with ur kids and wife
and forget about the ones that don't wanne know u it's there loss

i know it sounds crappy but just be glad
u can choose ur friends

i do hope u will get some closure on it

 
Old 08-01-2012, 06:26 AM   #5
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

What paddymax said was perfect "something may have happened years before you were even born or when you were too little to remember and your father was the glue that held everyone together. Then when he passed away they all parted themselves from your mom and you because for them there was no point in talking anymore." That could definitely be why. Also, because your mom was married to your dad, she became an "in-law", not really family. And you're their son. But because your dad is gone now, they don't feel they have to associate themselves with you guys. It sucks, I know. There's no way in really finding out the truth though unless one of them breaks the ice and finally talks to you. Don't beat yourself up over it though and never blame yourself nor your mom. It's time your mom and you have some kind of peace and just move on together without dealing with their crap. If anything ever happens on that side of the family I am sure you won't even hear about it especially if they all continue not talking to you guys. Put it like this..that was your father's family and your father is gone now so there's no point in stressing it because they don't treat you and your mom as if you guys are part of the family. Your dad is looking down and he knows and he sees but he also sees you being the bigger person and just saying "you know what? I had enough and I tried and I give up. I leave it up to God now." Walk away from it and don't even give it a second thought. You have your own family now. You have 2 kids to look after. Of course his side of the family could've been a part of your kids lives but maybe it's best this way especially if they're this cold hearted. And no, do not change your last name. You're carrying it around because that's your father's last name. You'll regret it, plus you're doing it in honor of your dad.

 
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Old 10-17-2012, 08:41 PM   #6
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

one thing that jumped out how you said they didn't like you even as a kid and it makes me wonder if there was a chance that they thought your father wasn't your biological father? Maybe they felt your mother got pregnant by someone else and roped your father in? I'm not suggesting that's reality, but people are crazy and they get all kinds of crazy ideas.....or maybe i'm just watching too much maury....

 
Old 10-19-2012, 07:43 AM   #7
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

Don't you hate this phantom thing? There is something fishy and no one is talking about it and they mistreated you like this... It is so unfair. I bet your Mom must have hit on something their side. Something about disapproval. Or even about who your Dad might be... This thing happens and I think it is cruel and unfair.
One possibility is like race color. Say if Mom is colored, then I can imagine this would happen to an old conservative rigid family... Yet in today's society, it is so wrong...
How could they do this to you is unthinkable...

Like what the other posts suggested, you need to move on and forget about it. It is not about you, It is about your parents, not that they should do this....
You can only continue to do the right thing and don't be tempted to revenge so that you would be on the wrong side and give them more reason to disown you.

Sorry that this happened.

Hugs,
Nina

 
Old 10-19-2012, 09:51 AM   #8
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

I have to agree with Seraph. Could it be your mother? It is highly unfortunate that you should feel like you do, but it has to stop. You deserve to know the truth.

How about writing a letter to one or several of your dads side relatives? Hopefully one who knew you well at that time...While they might have been reluctant to tell you with everyone looking in, perhaps responding to a private letter would provide you the results you seek.

I really hope this works out for you. Best of luck.

 
Old 10-19-2012, 10:42 AM   #9
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

Asking for the reason is like opening up a can of worm. It depends on how you handle it... Find someone who may be sympathetic and objective (like a third person who is just a witness) and he/she may feel sorry and tell you. However the person may worry about his/her own status in the family if the person tells you. I really hate this kind of stuff. They call it being proper or polite, but it is really a fake thing to do not to tell you why because they are hurting someone.
In a way, it may help once you know the exact reason. But you can still feel bitter because it won't change things much unless some new members in the family are willing to move on. One small chance is you know why and then you can learn to deal with it. Sometimes I wonder if your Mom would care to know. That is, sometimes one is afraid to find out... But you can give it a try. Good luck.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 10-19-2012 at 10:45 AM.

 
Old 10-20-2012, 05:48 PM   #10
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

Quote:
Originally Posted by ninamarc View Post
Don't you hate this phantom thing? There is something fishy and no one is talking about it and they mistreated you like this... It is so unfair. I bet your Mom must have hit on something their side. Something about disapproval. Or even about who your Dad might be... This thing happens and I think it is cruel and unfair.
One possibility is like race color. Say if Mom is colored, then I can imagine this would happen to an old conservative rigid family... Yet in today's society, it is so wrong...
How could they do this to you is unthinkable...
Since you mentioned race, I learned a few months ago that my mother is 1/4 Cherokee. But I remember my cousins bragging about being 1/16th Cherokee. So me being 3/16 Cherokee doesn't seem like it would be a bad thing. They seemed to love Indians when we were kids. Dad was always digging arrowheads and pottery up. We all thought it was cool. So I can't see them being racist against me for something they are too to a lesser degree.

There is also the fact I have a son who is half black. But I did not tell them about it and they treated me poorly for years before he was conceived. I can't fathom how they would know. He was born after Dad died. I never told them about my son. I did not believe he was my kid until the DNA test 10 years later. So that could not be it.

Last edited by -CvC-; 10-20-2012 at 05:51 PM.

 
Old 10-20-2012, 11:43 PM   #11
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

I would focus on what you do know. For you know your information is correct, because you are the source of it. You can rely on your information being timely, empathetic and based on your reality. The rest is hearsay, rumor or even lies, as it should be considered to be.

What ever was lacking was not due to your father wishes. That is not right, and he never meant for that to come to pass. He would have never left you in that position. What ever the other family had to offer, they could not reach out to you when you deserved and needed them to. When it was realized how you suffered, no one was in a position to face that reality except you.

Now you want answers to questions each of them most have gotten wrong, and you want it right. I am going to leave you with this possibility.

From this point in your life, I encourage you to continue with your quest to learn and grow, your past and your future becoming one, because without every little detail of your past, you would not be the person you know today. Many of us are very tempted to try and pick out the little parts of ourselves that we do not like, or never let ourselves get to know.

You may never get the information you seek. If you do find something, it may not be true, or be tainted by someones attempt to protect someone else. Do be safe with the knowledge that as a child you were loved and meant to be here. Even when we love people that cannot be here for is hard, the only thing harder is taking that love out of you, that was a building block of your making.

When the time comes for you to create your own children, you will have plenty of love to share with them, enough to last their lifetimes and yours as well. Perhaps the reason enough. Without all that you have experienced, it just would not be YOU!

Janet

 
Old 10-21-2012, 10:39 AM   #12
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Re: Lost my family for no reason

Frankly I think your Mom may know about it and doesn't want to dwell on it. She probably knows why Grandpa hated her and etc. She was there and she should know more about why he hated her and that sort of thing. Something about money? About a relationship before marriage? I am just guessing and I am not saying I know what. It is up to you and it is your privacy. I am just trying to figure out why it would be like this.
Sometimes, if the family doesn't like the person (your Mom) for whatever reason, that could cause lots of bubbles even if it is not fair. Maybe it was some bad rumor caused by grandpa. Just cannot believe that the family buy it all and do so. Even if something is fishy, you are innocent in all these!

Regards,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 10-21-2012 at 10:40 AM.

 
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