I have been with the same guy for 7 years, and have lived with him (in my home) for the past 3 years. He is 9 years my senior and I have never had any intentions of marrying him (been there, done that) and I cannot say that I fully trust him because of a few issues in the past (caught him on-line sex chatting... old girlfriend still calls him on the phone asking him to "come out and play"... drunken nights where he stays on his boat rather than coming home, etc., and some other assorted lies and bad behavior).
We have a bit of a turbulent relationship at times - both being a bit hot blooded - and the fights happen when he has disrespected me, or my time (telling me he will be home and shows up 5 hours later, if at all), and then I turn quickly into a raging "you know what". Otherwise, I am pretty tolerant of his behaviors, although I do find him to be a bit of a self centered, egotistical a$#. I do not believe that he is cheating on me, but then and again, maybe he is. All I know is that I think I am getting to be too old to put up with his disrespect and I feel that I may be better off alone, especially after yesterday.
Yesterday... his adult daughter contacted me about his grandson's upcoming 4th birthday party. I usually am the one to select gifts, and while I was at work, I was brainstorming on what would be an awesome gift for the birthday boy. He was on his boat which we keep at a marina, supposedly working on one of the motors. My brainstorming came up with a grand idea for a birthday gift so I called him to at about 11am to see what he thought, figuring if he thought it was good, I would go pick up the gift when I left work. No answer. So, I called again around 12, then 1, then 2, then 3, then 4, 4:30, etc., and no answer. I leave work at 5pm and I kept on trying as I went down the road to my house. At one point, the phone picked up for a few seconds, long enough for me to hear women's voices laughing and talking loud.... of course, at the marina, there are tons of women, men, couples, etc which I am typically fine with...but when he picked the phone up, I believe it was really a mistake and the intent was to quiet my call. Finally, he called me back and said that he was out in the water with a blown engine and was with a guy friend. I asked him if anyone else was there and he said no...I said I heard women's voices and he said I was "f#@%ing crazy".
I decided to go on down to the marina rather than to go home - 99.9% of the time I never check up on him. Sure enough, I got there moments before his boat pulled into the slip, only to witness his friend with a wife and another woman accompanying my guy in the boat. All four were drunk off their tails, and yes, the boat motor was blown (one truth, anyway).
He immediately started hollering at me as if I did something wrong, I guess for curing my curiousity and showing up at the marina... I think I was a spoiler for the remainder of the evening that could have been to continue into a complete drunkfest. He lied to me and was coupled up with a woman and all four were drunk on his boat.
I do not think that the "other girl" is a love interest of his as she is a very, very big girl and not his typical type ...but who knows - drunk guys with drunk girls, regardless of "type" have done "the dirty deed" plenty of times. This situation certainly did not look too kosher to me and I think I am at the end of my rope with him.
The fight has escalated to nasty name calling, accusations, etc....I explained that I would have had no problem if he did not lie and possibly thought enough of me to place a phone call to say he was partying with these people on the boat...my feeling is "why lie if you have nothing to hide"? And, I feel that nothing good can come of out of even friendly drinking when you are "coupled up"....
I am exhausted and frankly too old to deal with this sort of stuff anymore....I am thinking that the single life is what I want.
He spent last night on the boat as I did not want him coming near me or my house.... but in his typical behavior, he was at my house when I got home from work today and gave me a story about how the other 3 ended up on his boat, and how they ended up drunk. Of course it sounded like a typical excuse and he would not say that he was sorry for lying or not placing a simple phone call to me. We got in our typical screaming match and I told him to pack enough for 3 days and get out of the house....
Part of me feels guilty to send him packing his bags because work has been slow for him and his money is tight, but I think he should have thought about where his bread is buttered before he lied to me and made the decision to party with another girl, and couple, while I was working. I am left wondering if this is goes on every weekend when I am at work? I am really left with a lot of questions.
Am I being to harsh to tell him to pack his bags and go? Please share your thoughts...
You can certainly move him out of your home. He is treating it a bit like a hotel, isn't he? Boot him out, you can still see him in a friendly manner, but he is abusing your generosity and trust. Let him live on his boat, and don't feel too bad. After all, it costs money to get drunk, so he must have some spare cash. Cheers, Sera
The Following User Says Thank You to Seraph For This Useful Post: aquarius67 (08-01-2012)
I think you really need to trust your gut instinct here. It surely seems like he is cheating. At least, he doesn't seem to be committed much to your relationship. Even if he isn't cheating, he's lying and doesn't seem to put you first. Stop letting him treat you with such disrespect. I find men resort to yelling, name calling, and fighting, when they are guilty but don't want to admit it.
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
I usually wouldn't say this to anyone,, now you have a very big life changing decision, and I hate to say this, I don't even want to as it's hard to leave your partner but YOU HAVE TO STAND YOUR GROUND AND BE FIRM!!(keep him in his boat)
He is a disrespectful person and most likely will get violent, if you don't ignore his ways which are disgusting and not healthy for you, While there is a chance you have to keep him at a distance and on a leash PLEASE BE CAREFUL as this could just push him into more and worst behavior lookout.
toss him .......he's got a place to live (his boat) and he's got friends shoulders to cry on......don't even give this a 2nd thought. Once he's out and you've got your life back, you will wonder why you waited so long!
The more I think about my situation and discuss what happened with a few friends, I do realize that the smartest thing I can do for myself is to toss him out and leave him out. I do love the guy but I probably have been a fool to spend so many of my adult years with him, thinking that he was a keeper, when instead he is a liar.
I "wanted" to be with him and I think that because he was a crutch for me at one point in my life (when I was divorcing my husband), that I owed him something back. I believe that is why I have been so tolerant of his bad behaviors and nasty mouth... but I do not believe that I owe him my life in return, and that he does not still owe me respect. He has pushed me to a point of not "wanting" to be around him.
Thankfully, I am not dependent on him for anything - not financially, not emotionally - he is the one who is deficient both financially and emotionally. I do have the upper hand in making decisions because he resides in my home. For the few things he does (like cut the grass and cook dinner 2 times/week), the replacement cost might be worth about $300/month, which I can easily afford to hire out or do myself if I have time (I work a lot).
I think that because of the drama, disrespect and dishonesty he has brought in my life, I would certainly be much better off alone. And, I do realize he is an adult and should be able to make his way just fine, whether living on the boat or shacking up with the three other drunks he chose over me yesterday.
And, RoseQuartz, you are probably right that I will wonder why I waited so long to do this!
I think we stay in bad relationships because we are often too lazy, too blind or too stupid to leave....
The following user gives a hug of support to aquarius67: Belly Kelly (08-03-2012)
I for one always stay in relationships well past their expiration date, but I'm getting better!!! So I understand......
But once I do get them out of my life, especially if they are in my house, the peace and the serenity are well worth it!!!
good luck to you, I know you're a strong woman and I think this guy is gonna have some regrets, big-time, but oh well.......life goes on!
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post: aquarius67 (07-31-2012)
I read all of the posts and I agree with everyone. It's time to kick him out. He seems to be using you for a place to stay and because you feel you owe it to him to be with him after he's been there for you through your divorce, he's taking advantage of that and feels he can treat you any way he wants you will have to be tolerant of it. You also showed him for quite some time that you ARE tolerant of it, allowing him to do what he wants. Now it's time to let him know you have finally come to your senses and you know you deserve a whole lot better. Don't say you're better off alone because you don't deserve to be alone. You do however deserve to be with someone who is on your level and who is going to respect you and care for you. I believe he's cheating as well especially if he got mad that you showed up. If it was so innocent he would've introduced you to his "friends". But yes like everyone else said, don't feel bad. I am sure he has a place to stay. Why don't he call up that girl he was on his boat with? Seriously, it's time to worry about YOU.
The Following User Says Thank You to Chrissy26 For This Useful Post: aquarius67 (07-31-2012)