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Old 07-31-2012, 12:52 PM   #1
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tightropewalker HB User
Married to an alcoholic/sex addict... I think.?.

I have been with my husband for over 13 years. About 5 years ago one of my married friends approached me about having an affair with her or her, my husband and I. She got him involved in the conversation and the two of them endlessly hounded me until I agree to it. I did agree to it with MANY promises and conditions on their part. The first time was ok. I really didn’t feel that I was bisexual, but it being someone I trusted and being risky and taboo was ok. This went on once or twice a week for about a month when I decided it just wasn’t for me and I was done. One of the conditions was that I would stop immediately if I ever decided I didn’t want it. My husband being an alcoholic and completely obsessed with it wasn’t ok with it. He began to be violent with me if I didn’t agree with doing it anymore and if I didn’t make him believe that I wanted it anymore. To make a REALLY long story shorter, there were affairs between my friend and him, him and many other women as well as other women with us. I finally broke one day…it got violent, but I stood my ground and it was over physically from that point. Whenever he sobers up and realizes what he has done he falls all over himself with pathetic apologies and promises to never do that to me again…I know, I know…why am I still here? It has been over a year since the last threesome and no cheating either. The subject never dies and when he is sober he is depressed and refuses any type of sexual interaction between us, and when he has been drinking he never stops talking about threesomes. There have been no threesomes because I have screamed at him about how much I hated them and the fact that I am NOT bisexual. He sober or drunk for the last year has decided that he can’t force me into anything that I won’t enjoy. If he is sober there is no communication other than he was wrong and will never have any sexual encounter EVER again. When he is drunk he says that it has to be me, him, and another woman for him to ever have any satisfaction in his life…it’s the only thing worth living for. He feels that it is very similar to the need to breathe air. I have no doubt that he is an alcoholic, he doesn’t deny it either, but treatment is nowhere in sight for him. I don’t really know what the sexual issues are…
I know everyone is asking “why haven’t I left?”…The answer basically boils down to I believe he will kill himself or come after me if I do…Even if we part while he is sober, sorry, and rational…he will get drunk and something even worse will happen.
I know how stupid it sounds, but when he is sober, prior to the threesomes and sexual issues he was perfect for me…We were perfect for each other. I married this man knowing that I wanted him for the rest of our lives…
These issues give me a tremendous amount of shame, so that is why I’m here asking for advice.

 
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Old 07-31-2012, 02:51 PM   #2
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stanleyatl HB Userstanleyatl HB User
Re: Married to an alcoholic/sex addict...I think.?.

First of all my heart felt sympathy goes out ot you for having to endure life with an alcoholic. My wife of 19 years developed into an alcoholic about 10 years into our marriage and the last 9 years were to say the least hell on earth and why I stayed i don't know to this day. She ended up drinking and over medicating herself to death about 4 years ago. I came home one morning to check on her because I could not get her on the phone and she was dead in the kitchen floor. All I can tell you is I tried for 9 years to fix the problem and the only thing I learned was nobody can fix a alcoholic but themselves. She is part of the reason I got myself hooked on pain pills. She had a endless supply of them given to her by pain clinics and started offering them to me after a hard days work. I think mainly to keep me off her case. I had never taken pain pills before that and found they really took the edge off of living with a drunk. The hardest part was going to work every morning and not knowing what I was going to walk into when I got home. 99% of the time it was her drunk, pilled up and nasty as hell!

So my best advice to you is don't do what I did and stay to fix the problem. Get out of there and move on with your life. If he really loves you he will clean up his act (and he is the only one that can do that) and come try to get you back. That is just my opinion. If you are scared of him get help but by all means get out!

I will be praying for you! please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

 
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Old 08-01-2012, 10:46 AM   #3
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tightropewalker HB User
Re: Married to an alcoholic/sex addict...I think.?.

Thank you Stanleyatl, for sharing your emotional story.

I haven't ever discussed spliting with him on any serious level. He knows I haven't worn my wedding ring for months and last night I told him that if he doesn't seek some type of treatment that we will be gone. I'm not prepared to leave or kick him out now, but he seemed to take what I had to say to heart...it was before he drank. We shall see what he chooses to do.

A few months ago I spoke with my dad about his (my husband's) drinking because my dad has been in recovery for 24yrs. I told him that with the excessive drinking of hard alcohol and the changes I've seen in him, I didn't think my husband would live much longer. My dad seems to think he can go on drinking like that for years before it'll kill him...Basically I have to decide what I'm gonna do.

 
Old 08-03-2012, 06:02 AM   #4
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stanleyatl HB Userstanleyatl HB User
Re: Married to an alcoholic/sex addict...I think.?.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tightropewalker View Post
Thank you Stanleyatl, for sharing your emotional story.

I haven't ever discussed spliting with him on any serious level. He knows I haven't worn my wedding ring for months and last night I told him that if he doesn't seek some type of treatment that we will be gone. I'm not prepared to leave or kick him out now, but he seemed to take what I had to say to heart...it was before he drank. We shall see what he chooses to do.

A few months ago I spoke with my dad about his (my husband's) drinking because my dad has been in recovery for 24yrs. I told him that with the excessive drinking of hard alcohol and the changes I've seen in him, I didn't think my husband would live much longer. My dad seems to think he can go on drinking like that for years before it'll kill him...Basically I have to decide what I'm gonna do.
For your sake I hope whatever you said to him will make a difference. It really depends on how much he actually drinks and does he drink everyday. Alocoholism is progrssive and usually in my experience when they do try to quit and fail they are worse on the rebound. Your Dad is right it can last for years and is agonizing for loved ones to watch because you are really powerless to help if they do not want help! The main thing is to keep yourself safe if he is prone to violence and he keeps progressing it will probably get worse. You know the thing that always hurt me the worst was knowing that my wife loved the alocohol more than me! You don't know how many of those heart to heart talks I had with her and she would always make grand promises only to go back to alcohol usually very shortly after amking those promises!

I will keep you in my prayers and please keep us posted!

 
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