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Old 07-31-2012, 10:17 PM   #1
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Unhappy What should I do....?

Hello
I'm New to this website and this it the first post I've ever made. I have come to this website several times before to seek advice but never posted.

Well let me start off with a little background information. I'm 18 years old I dropped out o highschool freshman year and sine then distanced myself from the world around me. I don't often leave my house and I flake out on all of my friends who come to call. I a a very lonely person and scared (like most of us) of changes.

I've been dating online for a few years now and I've had some very bad experiences with it. I told myself I wouldn't date online ever again.... until 8 months ago. I met a guy and we really hit it off like no one else Ive met. When we met I was struggling with a drug addiction and living in a very had area. He helped me through that time of my life. The next few months we fought almost everyday sometimes about silly things but mostly because he was unemployed and wanted me to constantly be around.. I missed my freedom.

He is the sweetest guy he knows me better than I know myself sometimes, he worries about my health. He knows when I'm feeling sad. But at times I feel like he is too controlling and acts more like a father towards me than a lover. (Let me add that I've never met him before but we have been in constant contact for the last 8 months)

A few examples.... my parents were driving two hours to visit me. I was so exited and when I told him he got very upset and said that if it took More than an hour 'you will never see me more angry' because it was interfearing with our weekend time.

He makes remarks that I'm the only thing keeping him going and if I left him he'd probobly kill himself.

If I Dont answer his calls on break he panics. If I sound even the slightest bit sad when he calls he gets nervous and demands me to tell him the truth of what's wrong.. even if there is nothing wrong. He often makes comments of how much smarter than me he is. Even when he is joking I think he bealives it true.

Ive started to enjoy the times he's at work or wish that his showers were just a little longer... I feel selfish for wanting my freedom so bad. But when I go out with my family he always has a way of making me feel bad. I'm so lonely and now when I leave the house I'm nervous at what will happen when I get home.

When I'm with him he always tries to push things on me.. like if I don't shower or something silly like that he will bug me until I do. He threatens that if I ever drink or smoke again he will leave me.
And more often now when he gets home we do whatever he wants... even if I Don want to but when I want to do something he doesn't... the its just not happening.

Last edited by DirtCleen; 07-31-2012 at 10:31 PM. Reason: he called me.. of course.

 
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Old 07-31-2012, 10:30 PM   #2
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Re: What should I do....?

I'm sorry, but this relationship does not sound healthy at all. He sounds very controlling. No one should EVER make you feel bad about seeing your family. Family is VERY important, and the fact that he is getting upset with you for wanting to spend time with them sounds like another way of trying to control you. For not even meeting him in person, I think he is WAY too controlling. Just the fact that you are enjoying the time he is at work, or in the shower really shows that your heart isn't in it anymore. You are soooo young, and much too young to be tied down to this type of a relationship.

I think it is best that you end the relationship before you ever meet him. It will be easier to do it now than it would be after you met him in person. Thats just my opinion, but I think deep down in your heart you feel the same way. You don't seem to be too happy with him, and you are young and deserve to be happy! Don't let his threats of hurting himself prevent you from ending the relationship. Its just another way of trying to control you. Good luck, and keep us posted!

 
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Old 07-31-2012, 11:54 PM   #3
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Re: What should I do....?

I agree, there is a lot wrong with this relationship. You are not needy enough to put up with being controlled like this. Do not give up your independence. The threats of suicide are just another way of dictating to you. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Call his bluff and say, 'I am going to be out with my family for the afternoon' (or something similar) and just ignore his complaints. Don't even defend yourself, just shrug it off. You are not hurting him by having a bit of a life outside the relationship. Don't bow to this controlling behaviour. Sera.

 
Old 08-01-2012, 02:07 AM   #4
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Re: What should I do....?

This is beginning codependency. It's more common than you might think.

Get out while you can. You don't want him lording over you. He used to be great, but with time he has taken more and more control. He considers you his thing. He doesn't think of you as another independent human being with emotions and an inner life. All that matters to him is his own happiness. He wants you to be healthy, not for your own sake, but because he is compelled to maintain you. Like how you'd pick a garden for weeds. It's part of wanting complete control. Your health is just another factor that must be directed by him. If you disobey him or displease him, he gets annoyed because he demands and expects complete obedience from you, since he feels he owns you.
His caring for you extends only as far as what is possible with his complete involvement. Don't ever expect him to support anything that can help you grow as a person or become more independent and self reliant.


When you leave him, he might realize what he has done. He might beg and plead. Claiming he has learned and he doesn't want to lose you. But if you give in and return, things will only go back to how they were before long - and you'll be wasting your time.

A guy like that needs someone who is incredibly submissive and who enjoys being tightly controlled. There are people like that, but you are not one of them.

Look for a relationship that boosts your self confidence and your happiness, rather than the sick kind like this that only leads to destruction.

-------
If the above sounds harsh, then try to take a few steps backwards and really look at your "relationship". It's a textbook case of jealous control freak meets vulnerable/damaged person and takes over their life.

 
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Old 08-01-2012, 06:17 AM   #5
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Re: What should I do....?

I have to agree with everyone here. This is a very unhealthy relationship. He's definitely controlling. You say you wish his showers were just a little bit longer and yet you guys don't even live together. Imagine if you guys did. Imagine if you had met him. Which I'll say now, never meet him. That would be a huge mistake. I hope this guy doesn't know where you live either because if he's this controlling and obsessive, he might just show up one day. You don't need that on your plate. Your best bet, break up with him now and don't look back. He's going to beg and plead like wachix said, and you're just going to ignore him. Change your info on the computer, block him, don't let him have any contact with you. You have a right to your own life, to your own choices. You want to see your family, you should be able to see your family. You want to see friends, then go out and see friends. He can't tell you what to do, unless you stay with him and let him treat you that way.

 
Old 08-01-2012, 06:27 AM   #6
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Re: What should I do....?

yep he's controlling AND manipulative
threatening suicide to get his way is manipulation.....
playing the victim and getting you to feel sorry for him is manipulation.
please don't let this guy suck you in anymore than he already has
don't let him control you......just don't pick up the phone or talk to him on line
he only has as much control over your life as you give him......stop giving him control of your life and take back your life!

 
Old 08-01-2012, 04:24 PM   #7
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Re: What should I do....?

Thank you all for the advice.
It's really helped me take a look at the way I've been being treated. Its not fair to me.
I think I've know for a while where this relationship was heading i just needed to see that this was really the right choice.

 
Old 08-01-2012, 09:42 PM   #8
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Re: What should I do....?

Yes I agree with all the others on here. You need to get out when you can. I have had a lot of bad relationships myself. I just went through a really bad break up. It is painful and it hurts, but it will be worth it in the end. I was with men that were controlling, emotionless, and lowered my self-esteem. We need men that are uplifting and there for us in a positive way. Don't worry we are both still young! I would also cut all contact with him. I know this is very difficult to do. I had to that with my ex. I still struggle with it, but it will make it easier to heal! I'm always here if you need someone to talk to! Best wishes!

 
Old 08-02-2012, 03:11 AM   #9
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Re: What should I do....?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LPJessica22 View Post
Yes I agree with all the others on here. You need to get out when you can. I have had a lot of bad relationships myself. I just went through a really bad break up. It is painful and it hurts, but it will be worth it in the end. I was with men that were controlling, emotionless, and lowered my self-esteem. We need men that are uplifting and there for us in a positive way. Don't worry we are both still young! I would also cut all contact with him. I know this is very difficult to do. I had to that with my ex. I still struggle with it, but it will make it easier to heal! I'm always here if you need someone to talk to! Best wishes!
I agree!! Cutting off all contact, (even though it may be painful), is the easiest way to heal!!!

Last edited by Whynowthis; 08-02-2012 at 03:12 AM.

 
Old 08-02-2012, 05:13 AM   #10
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Re: What should I do....?

I don't understand how if you've never met this guy, how is he successfully able to control you to this level? It seems to me that it would be easy enough to let the phone go to voicemail or don't answer the texts or emails that come through. Do you see how illogical this whole situation is? You've allowed yourself to be controlled by someone who has never even been in the same room! Clearly it's time for you to take your control back and either stop talking to him all together (which is the only smart thing to do) or tell him you're done doing his bidding and living your life how you want to live it so he can like it or lump it. That's all there is to it. Quit letting some weirdo online guy you've never met have control over your life!

 
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