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Old 08-18-2012, 08:52 AM   #1
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Unsure

Hello everyone! I'm feeling kind of moody today. I'm trying really hard to dig deep within myself to figure out what I'd like/need in a partner. I'm sooooo used to immature guys. I'm not used to dating men....AT ALL!!! Over recent months, it's occured to me that I need to change the type of men I find. As I said I'm so used to boys, who are immature. So why is it so terrifying when I'm infront of someone mature? A few weeks back, I went on a date with a guy from an online dating website. Really nice guy, no attraction what so ever. Two weeks ago, my friend's husband told me he wanted to set me up with someone. He showed me his picture. I know he told him about me. Ironically enough, he's on the dating website I'm on and viewed my profile weeks ago. We had no clue who each other was. So I was assertive and emailed him. We spoke a few times this week. The convo was good. We met last night. I didn't have the "absolutely not" feeling and I didn't have the "he's the one feeling." He seemed much more nervous than me, which makes me nervous. He felt underdressed compared to me and regretted the restaurant he chose, because of my taste in food. I told him not to worry. I didn't leave thinking "never again." But how do you get to know someone? I think in the past, I've wanted to see people again because I knew deep down they were unattainable or just not ready. Does that make sense? Or I knew they were a challenge. Now I meet this older, mature guy who isn't the losers I'm used to meeting and I can't tell you the anxiety it brings. I want to cry. Part of me feels I should see him again. I didn't like that he was more nervous than me. I felt a little "harder" than him, if that makes sense. Like as much as I'm a nervou person, I felt edgier where he was very low key laid back. But maybe that was his nerves. I'm so confused. People tell me all the time to give things a chance. Why does this scare me? I know I need and deserve a mature man but don't know how to move forward. I'd appreciate any advice.

 
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Old 08-18-2012, 03:26 PM   #2
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Re: Unsure

Hi, Will I be Happy, You wrote this thread early this morning, so hopefully you are in a better mood. I think both of the guys you dated were relationship material, it just will take time to get to know the both of them so that you can decide if you want to pursue these individuals. I think you will do better on dates when you aren't so nervous. We all want to find someone who is our everything, but it won't always be easy to find. The thing we do is to encourage ourselves to aim for that perfect person, that we may never find. I am like you, in that I have a tough time jiveing with new people. I think every date isn't going to be exceptional, but we need to truly evaluate what we desire in another person, as far as how they will treat us, what their desires are, and if you can handle being by their side in the long term situation. I know you will find someone you click with but it just takes time and patience. For now, I would just have a casual date, and just relax and enjoy the moment. I think most of us have been in your shoes and it doesn't make us feel real good. I hope you plan to keep yourself busy having fun and hopefully what you are desiring will be yours for the asking, big hugs to you.

 
Old 08-18-2012, 05:10 PM   #3
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Re: Unsure

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Originally Posted by Will I Be Happy View Post
I think in the past, I've wanted to see people again because I knew deep down they were unattainable or just not ready. Does that make sense? Or I knew they were a challenge.
Boy does this every make sense. I'm not sure how old you are but knowing this is very important. It's a big step in terms of knowing yourself, which is more important really than finding your future mate. I wish I had known I had a tendency to do this much sooner in life than I did.

 
Old 08-18-2012, 07:05 PM   #4
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Re: Unsure

Thank you for responding! I know I have to give it time. That scares me to death. I didn't leave last night thinking, "never again!". But I wasn't all warm and fuzzy either. How do I give it a chance? I feel like he deserves a chance. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision.

@AllandNothing...I'm 34 and I don't have the most experience in relationships. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 17. Many parts of my life and my ways have only just began to surface. I've realized I chose guys that needed to be fixed bc that was my role in my family. Now I'm trying to set boundaries with my family. I've also realized that I deserve a mature man who doesn't need to be fixed. But, let me tell ya....boy it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I just hope I end up on the winning end with boy my family and a life partner.

 
Old 08-18-2012, 07:30 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Will I Be Happy View Post
Thank you for responding! I know I have to give it time. That scares me to death. I didn't leave last night thinking, "never again!". But I wasn't all warm and fuzzy either. How do I give it a chance? I feel like he deserves a chance. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision.

@AllandNothing...I'm 34 and I don't have the most experience in relationships. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 17. Many parts of my life and my ways have only just began to surface. I've realized I chose guys that needed to be fixed bc that was my role in my family. Now I'm trying to set boundaries with my family. I've also realized that I deserve a mature man who doesn't need to be fixed. But, let me tell ya....boy it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I just hope I end up on the winning end with boy my family and a life partner.

I'm the same way as you ladies! I have been through very bad relationships! I just recently got through one of those! The break up was over a month ago.I chose guys that need to be fixed too because of what happened in my childhood in my family. I'm always thinking they will change, or I can help them, but it always ends the same. I'm 22 years old and have been in several bad relationships. They are always emotional abusive and lowers my self esteem. I have a problem with my self esteem as it is. I would try your hardness to give him a try and go on a few more dates and go for there. We both deserve mature men and not boys! I'm still trying to get through my break up and I'm going to stay single for awhile. I hope one day I can find a good guy myself! Good luck!

 
Old 08-20-2012, 05:52 AM   #6
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Re: Unsure

I do feel this guy deserves a chance, but I'm so guarded. How do I help that? I don't want to lose myself because I'm so independent, yet want to find someone. How do I give him a chance? I didn't leave saying "never again" but I wasn't jumping up and down either. I know sometimes things need time to grow. Anyone out there ever meet someone that you know deserves a chance? You didn't click right away but over time it grew? Please give me advice as of to how you went about dating that person.

 
Old 08-20-2012, 11:19 AM   #7
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Re: Unsure

Wow, I think it's great that you are taking the time to examine your feelings about these guys instead of just flat out saying no. I don't have much experience in dating because I was married so very young, but I wish that I had dated some before I settled down (you know kind of feel like I've lived a little) but anyway I have trouble "jiving" with people on a personal level and it doesn't even have to be a guy sometimes just a friend.

I am a nervous person by nature and if the person I'm meeting is nervous to then that makes it worse for me and I leave feeling as though I made a total joke of myself. I think mine also comes from deep rooted family issues (although I can't afford to go to a therapist I often feel I really need too....no joke) anyway, I think if I were in your shoes that I would tell yourself over and over that all you are going to do is meet a new friend.

Not saying that you or he either one is expecting sex right off the bat but tell yourself that it's off the table completely, (and wear ugly panties and don't shave your legs just to make sure...lol) but once the pressure is off in that aspect maybe then you will be able to relax and just let yourself be this guys friend and see if anything builds from that. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or the outcome of these possible relationships and I think you will be more relaxed which in turn should relax them a bit more too.

Not sure if it helps or not but do as much as you can to take the pressure off of you and if by the 3rd or 4th date something doesn’t click then I would say to move on because you are probably not compatible with these guys. Not to say you won’t meet a mature guy in the future that you will click with, it just may not be these particular guys you’ve already met, but I do think you are on the right path as far as finding someone you want to get serious with that will be everything you deserve.

Last edited by jasmine76apl; 08-20-2012 at 11:23 AM.

 
Old 08-20-2012, 06:33 PM   #8
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Re: Unsure

Thank you Jasmine! I found out today he's pretty much not interested. I'm so annoyed! Not that he's not interested but....we went out Friday. He texted me Saturday to see how my day was. We texted back and forth a bit bc I was out with my parents. He mentioned our dinner the night before and referenced the menu not having much for my taste. If he weren't interested, this would've been the perfect time to tell me, I think. He then left me a message yesterday, asking how the wineries were. I couldn't get back to him yesterday so I called today. I figured he was interested bc he communicated with me since we went out. So during that time, I convinced myself to give it another chance. I feel like an idiot. I got the "You're a great girl but I didn't know of there was a spark." I do agree but told him I would've given it another shot. He kept rambling on how he knew we didn't have time to get to know each other but he didn't know if we were a good fit. I wanted off the phone at that point. I'm mad that I misread his communication over the last 2 days as interest. I'm annoyed that I made myself open to he idea of giving it another go. I too am nervous by nature and many of my issues stem from family. This is so hard. I don't understand why he didn't just tell me he wasn't interested Saturday, when he contacted me.

 
Old 08-20-2012, 07:36 PM   #9
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Re: Unsure

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Originally Posted by Will I Be Happy View Post
Thank you Jasmine! I found out today he's pretty much not interested. I'm so annoyed! Not that he's not interested but....we went out Friday. He texted me Saturday to see how my day was. We texted back and forth a bit bc I was out with my parents. He mentioned our dinner the night before and referenced the menu not having much for my taste. If he weren't interested, this would've been the perfect time to tell me, I think. He then left me a message yesterday, asking how the wineries were. I couldn't get back to him yesterday so I called today. I figured he was interested bc he communicated with me since we went out. So during that time, I convinced myself to give it another chance. I feel like an idiot. I got the "You're a great girl but I didn't know of there was a spark." I do agree but told him I would've given it another shot. He kept rambling on how he knew we didn't have time to get to know each other but he didn't know if we were a good fit. I wanted off the phone at that point. I'm mad that I misread his communication over the last 2 days as interest. I'm annoyed that I made myself open to he idea of giving it another go. I too am nervous by nature and many of my issues stem from family. This is so hard. I don't understand why he didn't just tell me he wasn't interested Saturday, when he contacted me.
I'm sorry to hear that! I guess you know where you stand now! I don't understand men at all. About a year ago, I experienced the same thing. I went on a few dates and we talked a lot on the phone and then he told me he wasn't interested in anything more than friendship, even though he seemed like he was. Men can be very confusing. Like I said earlier; I just got out of a bad relationship, so I'm staying single for awhile. Maybe it's a good idea to stay single and focus on ourselves. Good luck!

 
Old 08-21-2012, 04:55 PM   #10
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Re: Unsure

I'm at a point where I'm trying to change various things in my life. I'm trying to change my role in my family. I'm trying to put myself out there in regards to meeting new people/men. I can't get passed my anger towards my family and meeting men is not working. I want to give up!!! I'm trying so hard and nothing is working so why bother. I feel like the kid in my class who, no matter how hard I try to explain a concept, he/she doesn't get it. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! I truly feel I have no place anywhere!!

 
Old 08-22-2012, 07:35 AM   #11
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Re: Unsure

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Originally Posted by Will I Be Happy View Post
I'm at a point where I'm trying to change various things in my life. I'm trying to change my role in my family. I'm trying to put myself out there in regards to meeting new people/men. I can't get passed my anger towards my family and meeting men is not working. I want to give up!!! I'm trying so hard and nothing is working so why bother. I feel like the kid in my class who, no matter how hard I try to explain a concept, he/she doesn't get it. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! I truly feel I have no place anywhere!!

I feel so sorry for you and I must agree with the last person that posted, you need to work on you and the the rest will fall in place. I think we all have some family issues, but I firmly believe that once we are of a certain age it becomes our own fault if things don't turn out right in our lives. I'm 36 years old and until last year I never examined my roll in my family or the affects of my childhood and let me tell you when I finally let myself see it, I was/am amazed at the affect it had on me and still does to this day. In my family I'm considered the problem solver and when someone has an issue or a beef with the other they run to me to fix it or to side with them and let me tell you I'm tired of that responsibility. Maybe this is what has made it so hard for me to connect with others. At any rate....I understand that you are upset with this guy and that he was confusing with his feelings....really that was confusing for me too, but if you think about it he actually did you a favor doing it as soon as he did.

What would have happened had you guys went out a few more times and you "talked" yourself into thinking that just maybe there might be something there but all along he has already decided that it just didn't happen for him? I think if it would have happened like that then you would have been more upset and confused by it. Maybe at first he was also trying to decide if he should give it another try and after communicating with you Saturday he just decided that it wasn't wroth the effort (not you but the possibility of a relationship).

I don't know you from Eve but you sound like a person who is on the right track in their life and trying to pull yourself together. I really don't think you should let a few bad dates deter you from what you are setting out to accomplish. And really from what I understand once you've decided to give up and "not try" then that is when you will find Mr. Right.....if such a man does exist.....lol.

 
Old 08-22-2012, 09:02 AM   #12
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Re: Unsure

Thank you again for responding. It sounds like you and I have/had the same role in our family. I, like you, am trying to face it head on. But it is the hardest thing. I'm getting discouraged because I want to see something finally working. I agree that, at a certain age, it becomes our fault. I'm trying to change but I feel like I keep hitting a wall. It all snowballs together somehow. I don't know how to separate the issues because I feel they are connected in where my issues stem from. I'm trying to get past my anger, but I'm struggling. Then my anger turns into me becoming a sobbing mess.

As far as the guy, I hardly ever give things a chance, unless I have a definite feeling. So, him communicating with me, made me think he would give it a chance. So I was trying to change my ways and say, "Ok, give it a shot." When he pretty much said he wasn't interested, I felt like, "Ya see...this is exactly why I don't."

 
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Old 08-22-2012, 09:32 AM   #13
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Re: Unsure

I know what you mean about facing it head on, and in fact I was just telling my friend that during a recent HUGE family problem I refused to be pulled into the thick of it and just as I thought nothing bad happened because of my absence. I had to keep telling myself that my parents created a problem with my sister and no matter how hard I try to help them (when they push me in the middle) nothing ever changes so I forced myself to take a step back regardless of how much I wanted to help. The stress it was putting on myself and my marriage just wasn't worth it, and God bless my hubby for putting up with it for 17 years...not silently mind you.

Anyway, I too have a hard time with control...I always feel as though I have to control a situation and when I can't it leaves me in a HUGE mess emotionally. I think this comes from the amount of control my parents forced on me at such an early age. Not sure if this is your problem too but as I mentioned I have trouble just connecting with people in general on a personal level, my control issues makes me nervous and I'm always worried that I'm being too controlling and am very self conscious of this so I back off and I don't make connections easily.

I guess for me it's a good thing that my husband accepts me as I am and even though I may sound like I'm so controlling, he isn't one to be controlled so it helps to keep me in check.

Please don't give up on trying to find a good guy. I know at times you say you feel as though you just don't want to try but I think as a way of healing this is something you have to do for yourself. I too give up easily....been told very recently in fact....and I guess that also goes with not having the control and when I don't have it I don't want to mess with it or it's too much for my mind to process....at any rate, I think you really are on the way to self healing because you realize you have issues and you are tackling them head on. Just for that I think you are a very strong person!

 
Old 08-23-2012, 06:10 PM   #14
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Re: Unsure

In recent family issues, I've tried to pull myself out of it. I told my therapist, it's a very lonely feeling b/c I don't have a better half to come home to. I've shut myself off. I'm trying to change a few things at once and I'm incredibly overwhelmed. I know I need to do it for myself, hoping to improve relationships with people, but it's incredibly hard. I also have difficulty connecting with people, especially men. I'm working on opening up and not being so closed off. I'm definitely a control freak and not being able to control situations is where my anxiety comes from. No matter what I do, I can't fix anything. Thank you for complimenting me...I sure hope I'm on the way to healing. 17 years of buried feelings and issues has been a long haul. I'm SOOOOOO ready for emotional freedom!

 
Old 08-24-2012, 07:47 AM   #15
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Re: Unsure

It never ceases to amaze me how much I have in common with people from around the world. Since I've been a member of this website I've met some amazing people with similar problems and a wide variety of views. You mentioned you had 17 years of buried feelings...that is how long I've been with my husband and exactly how long I've buried my head in the sand with concerns of our relationship. I thought it was good in the beginning and parts of it was but I now realize how long I've buried deep feelings about our relationship...anyway that is neither here nor there I just was amazed that you said 17 years....of coarse my family problems stems back further than that I just didn't start to examine it until recently.

I know you say that you don't have a partner to come home too which would allow you to get some support and vent your frustrations and that is sad. I have a husband but there is little or no commutation between us most of the time so I think (taking from my own personal situation) it is more important that you learn how to deal with your stress with your therapist and fix yourself at this point and then try to find the relationship you so deserve. That way you won't be just rushing out to be with someone just so that they can be there for you. I wish that I had the opportunity that you have in terms of learning to love and like yourself first, work on your emotional issues, and then find the right person to fall in love with. I think if I had examined my issues way back when I was single I may not have so many problems in connecting with others now. Problem is I was scared to be single and jumped from one bad relationship right into being married.

I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey and just know that like I'm finding out now, you are not alone in your feelings and I find some comfort in the fact that not only are there others out there that have similar issues as I do but that it makes me feel less lonely to I'm not the only one.

 
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