To give up or not??
Hi! This is my first post and i'd really like some help with a relationship but i'll try not to make this too long!
I have been close friends with a guy for about 10 years now and its fair to say that for maybe 5 of them he was very interested in being more than friends with me, but i just didnt see him in that way. I told him so on all occasions whenever he ever asked about taking things further with our relationship. He used to tell me that he thought i was really 'cold' but i used to just try and make sure we were just being friends and i wasnt leading him on in any way. We both went through other relationships and have always been close friends no matter what. So we saw each other as friends with no kind of regularity for ages and then we started seeing each other more and more often and a few years back suddenly it hit me like BAM i think I'm actually in love with this man. I started to see him in a completely different way to how id seen him before and i just kept thinking how have i missed noticing how great this man is?! and that my feelings had grew from a string friendship to actually being in love with this man and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. But because of the years of me basically rejecting him at every turn i had no clue about how to tell him. So one night i got drunk and ended up telling him via text which was just a HUGE mistake. He told me how offened he was that i could only tell him something like that when i was drunk and that he didnt think we should talk anymore. Which i completely understood.
So about 6 months pass and we had no contact at all apart from me sending the occasional text asking him if i was allowed to talk to him again and him telling me to delete his number. This was really hard for me knowing that it was all my fault for losing him and how selfish i had acted over the years with him but i respected his desicion and left him alone and eventually he got back intouch.
I was so overwhelmed with happiness when he got back intouch, it was like the last 6 months hadnt happened we started seeing each other again more and more often, i got to kiss him for the first time which just make my heart explode but thats as far as we went. we havent ever 'done the deed' as such even though we've both wanted to and come very close its just never happened. So this kind of pattern emerged where we'd see each other 5 times a week but we never actually moved things forward. I now know with hindsight that i think its becasue i was so afraid that he would 'leave' me again that i wasnt sure what to do for the best. I told him i couldnt deal with him hating me again and he would just say ok. As far as i was concerned he was becoming more than a friend and sure things were moving slowly but after 10 years whats 3 months??
Then he told me out of the blue that he had found a girlfriend that he didnt think it would go anywhere but he thought i should know, i was heartbroken. I couldnt understand how when things were going what i thought to be ok he was looking for someone else. I asked him why he had gone looking for someone else when i was here and he said that he had gotten over wanting me in the way that i now wanted him, that he wanted more from a relationship than he thought he would ever get from me and that he just didnt feel that way for me anymore. I was so upset and hurt and confused but i couldnt cope with losing him completely again so i played the part of being a good friend for the best part of last year. I've helped him to deal with him telling me he is in love with her and then help him deal with their break up. Hes been casually dating a few girls since the woman he fell in love with and i've just sat by and prentened like im ok with it.
But the truth is im not not ok. Sometimes im so overcome with sadness that hes not mine that i can barely function, other times i find myself being jealous of an imaginary girl hes with. But no matter how many times i tell myself i need to let him go i just cant. I havent dated anyone else since i realised im in love with him and hes told me in plain terms that it isnt ever going to happen with us he just doesnt feel that way anymore. Hes told me i should stop seeing him because hes stopping me getting on with my life but the thought of losing him scares me so much that i just lie to him and say i know it wont happen and im completely fine with us just being friends blah blah anything that i know will pacify him to keep him in my life.
I still see him maybe twice a week and occasionally we will get into heavy petting again but he always stops and tells me he shouldnt because it would mean something different for me that it would for him and so we stay as we are. He knows that i love him deeply and he has told me he loves me too just not in any way that would change things between us. It just hurts so much that i know one day hes going to find his 'someone' and im going to have to be happy for him while dying a little more inside.
So after all that (sorry!) i want to know should i give up on him? I sort of feel that after all the time he spent waiting for me it would be really unfair of me to just give up on him. He's still around for me after everything that has happened so i just feel awful if i say i cant see you anymore because of how much it hurts me to not have you always.
I just dont know what to do for the best but i feel like im going to spend another 2 years of my life waiting and before i know it, it will be too late for me to do anything.
You thoughts will be very much appreciated good or bad! xx