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Old 09-04-2012, 04:02 AM   #1
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redbag1 HB User
He searches Facebook for pics of girls

Hi. I've posted here before about my bf. Guess what I need advice again!!
I'll keep it short.

We are both 30.
I'm divorced, very amicable.
He has been single most his life apart from a relationship when he was 18 where they both cheated. And he had a relationship with a married woman which ended 5 years ago.

We've had issues before. He was hung up on his ex when we got together 18mths ago. He's worked on this and says he's over her. Says he kept revisiting it in his head because she treated him badly and dented his ego. He now says he's over it.

We have a very loving relationship and amazing sex. We dont live together but see each other about 4 times a week. We share hobbies music interests and enjoy holidaying etc.
Here's where it gets messy.
6 months ago he lent me his laptop and In his search history was over 200 pics of trampy looking girls. All from Facebook and all of them were my teenage sons friends. You can imagine the type. Orange fake tans boobs hanging out horrible fake eyashes.
I asked him why he had been looking at these and he tried lying. Saying they came up on his news feed randomly and he was just curious. Obviously this didn't wash with me. Your not curious 200 times.
We split and in the end he admitted he's been searching fb looking for pics of girls that look like dirty tramps to masturbate to. He said it was a habit he'd gotten into whilst not in a relationship but he would stop as it makes him feel guilty and he didn't want to make me feel insecure.

Here we are 18 mths in. Just lately he's been distant. And has seemed unhappy. I stayed in bed one morning at his house while he went to work. On his shelves I found a notebook which it appears he'd been keeping as a diary.

Yes. I shouldn't have read it but I did.
He wrote how he hates himself and he thinks there's some infestation in his head. He wrote:
He's an idiot for spending hours searching fb for barely dressed s**gs
He loves me, I'm sexy and amazing but he can't help it
He'd been masturbating over some girls holiday pics and 'accidentally' friend requested her which shed accepted. He quickly blocked her but says he'll unblock her when he wants to look again
He wrote this one in particular reminded him of his ex. Same hair but younger and hotter
He wrote that he can't stop himself. That when masturbating you want something different that what your getting.

Obviously I was devistated. I ended it and walked away.
Not to sound big headed but I am attractive. Pretty and have a good body. I have a lot of male admirers but I chose this man to give my heart to. I know he loves me and I know I satisfy him sexually so I can't understand why he does this.
I checked his pics file on his laptop he has hundreds of pics of girls that he's downloaded from fb. Some are mutual friends and some are random girls. So he's actually saving these pics for later use. I don't get it.
Porn doesn't bother me. We both look at porn and I believe this to be healthy but these are real girls that live a stones throw away. Maybe that's half the attraction.
Anyone been in this situation? At the moment we are in talks to get back together but I'm not sure. Im a confident person but he's eroding that with the things he does

 
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Old 09-04-2012, 04:21 PM   #2
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Re: He searches Facebook for pics of girls

This is definitely something hard to get across, but do you really want someone who makes you feel less attractive or that he thinks he can get better? I know that his "diary" or whatnot tells you otherwise, but why else would a grown man be looking at 200+ pictures of teenage girls - especially THOSE types of teenage girls. Those are the ones that he lusts after. You're the girl that he can settle down with, call a wife, bring home to mother, have other people respect him for being with. He CAN'T be with the ones he lusts after, therefore he is attracted to them. It's something he can't have.

My ex watched porn almost every day. Probably about 6 videos every day. One time, just as we were about to fall asleep (in the same bed), he was searching for naked pictures of a latin actress and then got mad when I was irritated about it? Bizarre! His ex before me was a trampy girl with fake boobs and fake eyelashes. About as fake-and-baked as you can get. We had been together for over two years; he told me he wanted to marry me, joked about having children with me, talked about going on more vacations together, talked about our parents meeting...then I found out he had been texting (FOR OVER A YEAR) and made out with some skanky, cheeto-coloured, bald (with a wig), fake eyelashed girl who seemed akin to a tranny. Apparently, that's his type.

When I found out, he went onto say how it was a "lapse of judgement" (Whaaa?) and that he didn't want to lose me over some stupid kiss. I kicked him to the curb.

As time went on, I realized that it wasn't just her he was flirting with. He would constantly flirt with these skanky chicks and make me feel crazy about being upset about it.

Sorry about ranting, but what I'm really trying to get at is that he won't change. At least it never changed in my situation. He was ALWAYS attracted to these types of girls and I never satisfied him in that sense. I am attractive (I think so), I'm still young, I take care of myself, I'm in a professional career, I make my own money, not in debt, have my own car, have a wonderful supportive family, am funny, smart, and wholeheartedly generous....it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Because I could never satisfy that carnal pleasure he got from being pursued by these gross, useless girls who probably made him feel more NEEDED than anything else.

If YOU feel that he's not worth it, I'd say end it. If you feel that he could change, well, that's your choice and you've gotta work together on fixing the problem.

 
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Old 09-13-2012, 11:45 AM   #3
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Re: He searches Facebook for pics of girls

I dont believe that porn is healthy! I have had my problems with it it believe me. As for the fb pics thats alarming particularly the age group being viewed. Do all you can to clean up your minds.Porn will consume you. Yes the fb girls are clothed but his mind is undressing them. I wish you both the best

 
Old 09-14-2012, 09:21 AM   #4
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redbag1 HB User
Re: He searches Facebook for pics of girls

Thank you so much for your reply. We are back together and things are good at the moment.
We had a very honest discussion about why he needs to do this horrible thing. He explained that it only really happens when he is stoned and probably once every couple of months. He said that he thinks he has become immune to porn as it is all the same and doesn't have a real feel to it. He decided on his own to stop smoking weed and to concentrate more on our relationship. The talk was a good opportunity for us both to get stuff off our chests and I made it very clear that this was not something I would put up with. He knows that should this happen again I will be out the door. No discussion. He says he would never ever cheat as he loves me and only wants me. The searching of pics was something he found that turned him on mainly because he felt he had over used porn.
I don't know if I will find myself in this situation again in the future but I respect him enough to take him at his word and allow him this chance to make amends.
It will be hard to trust him and not get paranoid when I'm not with him but that's something I'll have to deal with. I'm going to give it 100% as he says he is. If it all goes wrong at least I'll know we gave it a shot. At which point I'll walk away knowing it's the end.

 
Old 09-14-2012, 09:30 AM   #5
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redbag1 HB User
Re: He searches Facebook for pics of girls

Quote:
Originally Posted by theetunaman View Post
I dont believe that porn is healthy! I have had my problems with it it believe me. As for the fb pics thats alarming particularly the age group being viewed. Do all you can to clean up your minds.Porn will consume you. Yes the fb girls are clothed but his mind is undressing them. I wish you both the best
Thank you for your reply. I think it sounds like you've maybe been in a situation where some version of porn has messed up hour life in some way. I'd be interested in hearing a male point of view.
I hear a lot about how men are more visual than women and that's why they watch so much porn. And as I say I've always seen porn as pretty harmless if you can take it or leave it. I think my fellas problem was that he is addicted to itand when you watch lots it becomes generic and boring. I think that's why he moved on a stage to real women. Canyou shed some light as to whether I'm on the right train of thought here? Thanks again

 
Old 09-14-2012, 10:46 AM   #6
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Re: He searches Facebook for pics of girls

I think it's good that you talked it through. Now you should keep an eye on things and make sure you stand by your word that if he does it again then you're totally done for sure, no more chances. I really think you handled it fine, just keep your wits about you and don't put up with any more excuses from him again.

 
Old 09-14-2012, 01:30 PM   #7
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Re: He searches Facebook for pics of girls

theetunaman is correct - Porn can be very unhealthy. Some people do just fine with it, can look now and then, use moderation. But some cannot. It becomes an addiction. And porn women ARE real women, just as much as the young women on FB or any other site are real women. Addicts become bored with one area, and move on to something else to stoke their addiction. Eventually they do learn that they can text and even call. Their addiction blooms and they get sneakier and sneakier. This can happen with women on the porn sites or girls on FB. There is a wealth of females out there who don't care that he's attached.

This is definitely not to say that your man can't be helped. IF HE WANTS TO HELP HIMSELF, he can. But you cannot help him. You can do what you did and make sure he understands that you will be watching for as long as you are together, and that any lapse will be the end. If he truly wants to end the addiction, he can do so. He may need therapy; he may be able to do it on his own, but he has to want to. And it is a lifelong addiction, just as alcohol or drugs are.

And this has nothing to do with how sexy or attractive you are. Supermodels and actresses have dealt with this issue as well. It can happen to anyone - doctor, lawyer, server at Starbucks. It's an addiction and has nothing to do with what you do, how your girlfriend looks, or whether or not women come on to you. It's a feeling, and the man has to learn to fight it all of his life.

Last edited by BigRed54; 09-14-2012 at 01:36 PM. Reason: Forgot to add a paragraph

 
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