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Old 09-06-2012, 08:25 PM   #1
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Our Past Still Lingers

Hi all. This is the third time I have written about this, and I have received wonderful guidance and support from board members.

To do the background, quickly. I met the love of my life six years ago, after drinking together with friends, we ended up kissing one night. From there we grew incredibly close, until she looked me in the eyes one night and told me that she loved me and wanted to be with me. Three days later, she went through with her wedding. Regardless of what she felt for me, she did not want this marriage, and maintains that to this day . . . even saying that it wasn't entirely "real." I also lived with a girlfriend in what, effectively, was more of a committed relationship than this pressured-into marriage (on both sides, I believe).

For two years, she continued to tell me that she wanted to be with me, that she loved me, and that the marriage was an unsalvageable mistake. But for TWO YEARS this dragged on. Likewise, I continued to hang on to my own relationship even though it had become a hollow shell at that point. (In my twisted logic at the time, I figured why would I leave someone that things were good with, or had been good with, in order to be with someone I loved intensely. . . when they were legally, socially, practically unavailable?) Finally, I told her I couldn't take it anymore, and that if she wouldn't do anything to change the stalemate of the last two years, that I would, that I had to get out of this. SO, I broke up with my girlfriend. A month later, she, also, and at long last, finally got permanently separated.

Finally. A long ruse ended and I could be with the person I loved. Nope, she immediately went out with some other guy. Bringing him around places I would see him. Worse, it was like she had dumped me, too. No more talking, no more flirting, no more kindness . . . just her separation and immediate jump to a new boyfriend, who wasn't me.

Three months later, that was over, and we started spending time together. Two nights in a row we spent together, and, suddenly things were on track . . . NOPE, one night she had another new, and not-me, boyfriend. This guy had been seeing her best friend, and as it turns out, had gotten that best friend pregnant. Obviously, they're not friends anymore, there was a miscarriage, and this boyfriend lasted for only a few months again.

Now, three years after that last fiasco, she has been MY girlfriend for the past 8 months.

Perhaps understandably, I am in an awful position because I am completely in love, but I don't trust the person I am in love with. I have seen that her vow is meaningless, and I have experienced that her declarations of love are meaningless. If not meaningless, then at least her "love" doesn't keep her from causing devastating pain, knowingly.

I think most of these issues arise because she is a poor communicator and because fear and shame are her biggest motivators.

Simply, I want to know if it is fair of me to ask her to discuss these events. The past cannot be changed, and I don't want apologies. I do want her to acknowledge that she hurt me and take responsibility for doing so. Maybe I just want her to tell me that she's learned something, or just how things will be different for her in the future so that I can feel like they might have a chance to be different for me, too. Right now, our relationship is fantastic and things are going great between us. But that scares the heck out of me, because it just feels like we're building up what she will suddenly take away again.

The past hurt like hell, I don't want to experience that again. What should I do?

 
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Old 09-06-2012, 08:53 PM   #2
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Re: Our Past Still Lingers

I find that when I can really understand where a person is coming from, really put myself in their shoes (and oftentimes I can only do this with people I love) their transgressions can seem logical and I can move on (as long as the behaviour doesn't keep up). But I think to achieve this, open communication from her end is required, as you will need your questions answered and concerns addressed. Maybe if its too hard for her to have a one on one convo with you, an impartial 3rd party (ie counsellor) may help?

If this relationship is so amazing and you are happy and believe it can be something great/long term/worth your while, you and she both deserve to enjoy it from a place where there is mutual respect, compassion, and honesty.

 
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sportivetricks (09-06-2012)
Old 09-06-2012, 09:00 PM   #3
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Re: Our Past Still Lingers

After all you have been through, with and without her, and you finally find yourself in a place of happiness with her. I can understand how you would want some resolution to all the ups and downs you have been through, and find some sense of completion and understanding. I am not sure if this is the right time to delve back into the past though.

There are many of us who feel as you do, that when things get too good that doom is right around the corner. To try and bring the past up would likely put you right back there again. I would try and appreciate what you have today, and give yourself some more time to build a stronger relationship.

Hopefully there will be a good time for both of you to reflect back and share all that your past has taught both of you. For your relationship to grow I would focus on the present, and use your past experience as more of a guardian of your heart, so she cannot break it again. Has she expressed to you her regret for the pain she has caused you?

I would definitely tread very lightly through this long and tangled web you have woven with this woman. Some of us learn and change throughout our lives and deserve another chance. Some of us never do, and continue to replay our same old games years after year, person after person. Being hurt by another over and over again is not a good reason to keep allowing it to happen again. But being loving and open to change is a wonderful quality you seem to have and with that you can move ahead into that life you have wanted so long. Wishing you both the best.

 
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sportivetricks (09-06-2012)
Old 09-06-2012, 09:10 PM   #4
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Re: Our Past Still Lingers

Jozi, Writeleft, thanks so much for your rapid replies.

Writeleft, to answer your question, NO, she has never really expressed regret over the pain she has caused me.

 
Old 09-06-2012, 09:13 PM   #5
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Re: Our Past Still Lingers

Sometimes it just takes time for people to find each other in life and get together. It sounds like you've found that now so don't lose sight of that. As has been said already, open communication is the key to all healthy relationships. That includes not being harsh or judgemental when communicating. For the first time now you have a real chance with her so pick your battles wisely.

 
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sportivetricks (09-07-2012)
Old 09-06-2012, 10:39 PM   #6
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Re: Our Past Still Lingers

You are very welcome.

Although she has never expressed her regret for hurting you, she may still have those feelings inside. She might feel that opening up that can of worms will bring all those feelings rushing back into your lives. I certainly hope it is not because the thoughts have never crossed her mind.

In the end, it is the actions that matter most, so that is where I would keep my sights.

Enjoy every moment you can..

 
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