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Old 09-10-2012, 12:06 PM   #1
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Unhappy Posting this again, need advice please:(

Hello all. I'm 20 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 4 months.There is a dilemma I am dealing with and I don't know what to do. I have been driving myself crazy over this. I was, or am idk anymore, completely in love with him. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Every time I look into his eyes I just know I'm going to be with him forever and that I'm certain he's the one for me. But over the past couple of weeks I have been feeling differently. Its almost like I don't love him anymore, don't find him attractive, when I look at him I don't get the butterflies and happy feeling I used to get. It's literally breaking my heart. You can't just wake up and not love someone right? I have had moment (but not this bad) like this with him before but I always snap out of it and everything is back to normal. All the other times I just knew I would comer around and this time it's so different. I feel as if I won't. I do not want to feel this way at all I just want to feel how I usually do towards him. I want my thoughts and feelings towards him normal again. He has faith that they will and I keep praying its not real feelings but I'm getting worse and worse. I'm literally driving myself crazy. I don't have it in me to break up with him we have been through so much together. He is such an amazing guy and I don't want him with anyone else. But why do I feel this way? I felt like I had everything figured out we had our future planned out we have talked about kids and I even have a promise ring from him. I am going with him to Texas in a few days to visit his family again and that's making me feel even worse about everything. Someone please help me

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Old 09-10-2012, 12:18 PM   #2
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

I understand your confusion and how upsetting this can be. Sometime when you are with someone for so long things become routine and comfortable and it feels like that deep in love feeling is gone. I would suggest that you try to rekindle by getting away just the two of you and see if anything comes back. If not you need to be honest with him as soon as possible to keep from being unfair to him.

I really miss that newness of a relationship, even though yours is well past that, but I just wish so much that that feeling would come back from time to time just to let us know why we fell in love in the first place.

Last edited by jasmine76apl; 09-10-2012 at 12:25 PM.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 12:23 PM   #3
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

Thanks so much for the reply. I never in a million years thought I would ever feel this way towards him. I don't want my feelings to change. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had. That should say something right? Because I don't want them to change? We are going to Texas on Thursday for 9 days to visit his family...maybe that will help. I don't want to hurt him and if I broke up with him it would also hurt me! Idk if its depression or what. A problem that might be causing this is we have literally almost spent everyday together for the past over 3 years with hardly no break. Maybe that's a reason? I just want the feelings to stop as I don't want anyone else.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 12:27 PM   #4
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

Oh yeah being together that much is not healthy either. There has to be a balance of just enough time together bc too much and you don't appreciate how to miss him and not enough and you get too lonely. Now that I know that you spend too much time together maybe the answer is a few days off by yourself to search your soul and find out if you miss him while you are gone. And not miss like you would miss your cell phone or couch but miss like OMG I can't wait to get back because the thought of not being around him is too much for me to handle.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 12:34 PM   #5
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

See USUALLY when he would want a day apart to himself I would freak out because I honestly would miss him even it's just for a day! Sounds sad right? Lol. God...I just feel like everything is changing and I don't want it to. I would give anything to feel the same towards him. Obviously something is still there I would be long gone. I'm tires of crying about it everyday as well. Maybe when we get back from Texas we can spend a week.apart or something and focus on just us. I do believe I'm still in love with him but the fact my brain is in overdrive and making me think otherwise is a very scary thing...I don't wanna lose him.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 12:46 PM   #6
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

Hey that says something too the fact that you are still in love with him. I really do think some time apart will do you both good.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 01:11 PM   #7
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

I said I think I'm pretty sure I am...when I'm like this I just don't feel the sweet. I'm not letting the past over 3 years just slip away from me. You can't wake up and not love someone. I will take your advice on spending time apart when we get back from vacation. Do you think we will be okay?

 
Old 09-10-2012, 01:20 PM   #8
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

I can't tell you if you will or if you won't but I do believe that dependency and fear of being alone can sometimes and is often mistaken for love. I know this because I have been married for almost 17 years (got married VERY young) and I too spent a lot of time almost day and night (11 years) with my husband. We worked together on a night shift so we were together almost all the time. He had interests such as hunting and fishing that I didn't fully share so when he was away from me I had family/friends to be around me. Then we moved 8 hours away and I went to a day shift while he stayed on nights for 5 years and the time apart really drove it home to me that I was more depended on him than I was in love with him and a fear of being lonely keeps me there (well that and other issues but that is neither here nor there) so I stay. Now he's finally on days and I have found out the weirdest thing...I am more dependent on him now than ever...I had 5 lonely years where I had no family and very few friends to spend time with and did something really, really stupid. Now I'm eaten alive with guilt and I'm so completely dependent on my husband that I almost have a panic attack if I know I have to spend too much time by myself. So I think that time apart will help you to realize if you really want to be with him because you love him or because you are dependent on him. Good luck.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 03:13 PM   #9
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Unhappy Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

I never thought of it like that. I do know for a fact that I am dependent on him. But I love him...so I can't understand why I feel this way. Usually when people fall out of love or loose feelings for someone it's because after a few months they just get tired of them or they did something to cause it. In my case nothing has happened...I don't want us to be over but I don't want to feel like this forever you know? I find it hard to believe that I just woke up and was like oh I have no feelings for you at all and we shouldn't be together. That just doesn't happen I keep asking myself all these questions and I can't answer them. Usually what triggers it is everything is perfectly fine ans then I stare at him and all these crazy thoughts go thru my head and they stay there and make me feel a certain type of way! Ugh.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 06:55 PM   #10
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

The danger here is that people coast along on the "honeymoon" stage of initial attraction and arousal. It has been shown that this state lasts for 6 - 18 months. During that time, nature uses this to keep a couple together so a deeper bond can form. In your situation I believe that you have not worked on that deeper bond, or do not recognize it, and have hung all your feelings on that "in love" feeling. People can get addicted to the first "love" feeling and it makes the lifelong partnership/friendship/intimate bond look pretty dull in comparison. I do not mean that sexual feelings disappear, but they do change into something less urgent and heady. You cannot stay in honeymoon mode for ever.Being a little apart can help, 24/7 can be a bit TOO close. Sera.

 
Old 09-10-2012, 07:02 PM   #11
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

Well we have been together over 3 years so I'm pretty sure the honeymoon phase ended long ago. And I'm seeing now that I regret all the times where we could have spent some time apart. Maybe I caused all this. Idk what to think anymore. I'm sitting here crying once again. When I feel like this I feel like he's not attractive and that I don't love him etc. But I know deep down that's not how I feel. Idk how to bring those feelings back again I always want him in my life I love him so much and this is just breaking my heart.

 
Old 09-11-2012, 07:19 AM   #12
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
The danger here is that people coast along on the "honeymoon" stage of initial attraction and arousal. It has been shown that this state lasts for 6 - 18 months. During that time, nature uses this to keep a couple together so a deeper bond can form. In your situation I believe that you have not worked on that deeper bond, or do not recognize it, and have hung all your feelings on that "in love" feeling. People can get addicted to the first "love" feeling and it makes the lifelong partnership/friendship/intimate bond look pretty dull in comparison. I do not mean that sexual feelings disappear, but they do change into something less urgent and heady. You cannot stay in honeymoon mode for ever.Being a little apart can help, 24/7 can be a bit TOO close. Sera.
I completely agree with Sera on this. I think your "honeymoon" phase has ended and in one of your posts you said you "think" you love him but in the last one you said you did. I do think that you love him but maybe you are bored with your life now and it's up to you both to create and work on that bond that Sera was talking about. I also agree with you that you don't just wake up and fall out of love in one day so either you never really loved him or you still do and are confused. I think you still do...but that is just my opinion from what I've gathered from you. I still think that a few days apart will do you some good, help you to get your thoughts together and clear your mind. Good luck.

 
Old 09-11-2012, 07:24 AM   #13
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

There's no doubt in my mind that I loved him. The way he made me feel is not even explainable. I miss feeling like that towards him. I guess I am confused. It feels like brain won't let me go back to that point or something? Idk I probably sound weird truing to explain myself but I have no one else to talk to. Everyone just thinks I'll snap out of it because literally EVERYONE thinks were gonna get married, that's how into each other we were. I just want that back and I don't want to go out and find someone else either. I just hope we work out. Every time I'm around him I start crying and when he hugs me I cry even more. I really do love him I just wish I knew why I was like this. But hopefully maybe the vacation just us w will help and when we get back we can work on not seeing each other as much. I'll do anything to save this relationship.

 
Old 09-11-2012, 09:09 AM   #14
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

I think it really says something that you "will do anything" to make your relationship work. I too love my husband. I love him deeply and he's my best friend. Sure there are things about him that drive me nuts but I do love him with my whole heart and soul, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I love him more than anyone on this entire earth but I don't feel madly in love with him. When we got married I think I loved him then too and I just thought I was in love with him but I was so in a hurry to be with him and get married that I didn't stop to think what kind of love it was. I go back and forth on this subject all the time. Sometimes I feel "in love" with him but other times I'm so worried about hurting him and disappointing my family (I'm like the only stable one in my family) so I stay. I know that I do not have it in me to hurt my hubby past the point of being able to recover and I know in my heart he would not recover from this...EVER. So all I'm saying is be sure what kind of love you feel for your bf. I too thought I was "in love" and it took me YEARS to realize that I never actually was.

 
Old 09-11-2012, 09:20 AM   #15
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Re: Posting this again, need advice please:(

I do love him...but then why do I feel like this? I thought I had everything figured out and I guess I don't. I've always thought he was the one for me and now idk. But I don't want to find another guy I want to be with him but my brain is saying otherwise. He's the only guy to ever treat me right and my heart just keeps breaking and breaking. I don't want to hurt him I can't do that. I don't want him with another girl because I don't want anyone else to experience with him what I have over the years. I hope we work out. I can't eat am having trouble sleeping...I'm a mess. I've asked what he would do if we broke up and he says we don't have to be together for me to love you because I always will. Him saying the things that he does just melts my heart and I could never leave him. He's my baby boy. I just want to look at him and have those happy thoughts and be sure about our life together again. And I think if I were to leave him it would be a mistake. I just feel so lost and messed up in the head. I am positive what I have felt up until now was true love no doubt and I wouldn't think it would just be ripped away from me like that...your feelings for someone can't just vanish.

 
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