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Old 09-15-2012, 10:32 AM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Myfield, KY, USA
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lostinthought HB User
Not sure what to do

Hi,

Me and my wife have been married for almost a year and we have always got along great and I have always trusted her...until recently. She has a couple male friends and one in particular had been talking to her a lot (We'll call him Mike.). So much so that Mike and his significant other got into a fight with each other over him talking to my wife so much and they broke up. I thought that was strange but just went along with it, although i did tell her I think that Mike may like her. A little while after that my wife was going to hang out with with one of her girlfriends (We'll call her Emma) in Murray (a city 20 miles away) while i was at work. When i got back from work she said that she had something to tell me. She confessed that her friend Emily had cancelled because of work after she had already driven to Murray. She then said that Mike and some of his friends just happened to be in Murray at the same time (Whether she go texted or she texted him is something i can't figure out.), so they went to the movies together. I got really mad. I told her that Mike had feelings for her, and that she still went to the movies with him. She denied any knowledge of Mike having feelings for her and said it was just as friends. I asked her to show me the texts between her and mike, but she had already deleted them because "her phone was full". We fought about this for a while, but it passed eventually. She still texted him and played Xbox Live with him and his close friend (We'll call him Aaron). She said they were just friends.

Fast forward some more. I find that my wife has created a twitter account. She has been actively tweeting to both Aaron and Mike, nothing sexual just some flirting. She was acting weird when she found out i had found her twitter. She then proceeded to delete multiple tweets between them while i was in the bathroom. She claimed it was because she knew i didn't like her talking to him, so she didn't want me to get mad about them talking to each other. I find it suspicious, so the next morning while she's still asleep I figure out her password and log in to her twitter on my phone. I find an unopened message from Mike. I open it. It's a love note. It's telling her how sexy she his and how he misses her. I confront her when she wakes up. She claims to have no idea of his feelings. She goes to take a shower taking her phone with her. When she get outs I ask her to see it. I look and Mike's number is not in it, there are no texts. I ask her about it and she says they haven't texted each other in a while so she deleted his number/texts. While I'm holding the phone I get a text from a number, it says "Good Morning ". I ask her who it is and she says she doesn't know. I call the number get mike's voicemail.

She starts bawling. She says that she actually knew the whole time that mike had feelings for her and that the only reason she didn't tell me is because she thought I would make her stop talking to him. She says nothing has happened and that they are just friends. So I text mike back, "Good morning, why did you leave me that message on twitter?". He texts back "I thought you would like it. ". At that point I hand her phone and ask her what's going on. She says nothing is going on. She then leaves for work, at this point she is still crying. I'm off that day, so I text her throughout the day asking her why she lied. She keeps apologizing. I ask why he was texting her that early and why he thought she would like it. She claims that "Well, maybe he just wanted to say good morning" and "Maybe he just wanted to give me a compliment". She then asks me to drop it, she says that I don't trust her. I say "It's hard to right now...". She gets all upset and says that maybe we shouldn't be together. She comes home for lunch and I talke her down and sit with her. I ask her to show me the more recent texts. She had told him is was me texting him. And then proceeded to tell him that she should have told hm that he shouldn't talk to her that way because she is married. She apologizing multiple times and says that nothing has ever happened. I ask her to block him on everything (Twitter, texting, etc.), but she won't. She says that I shouldn't control who she's friends with (Which I agree with, but I was just seeing if she would do it. I give in. We have a heart to heart, we cry a lot, and I forgive her.

That day Michael had been posting tweets: "I deserve this pain", "Feels so bad right now.". I read some his older ones. They have been tweets saying that he is is love with a girl that he can't have and that he really wants to be with this girl (I'm assuming it's my wife.). He also tweeted "Should I feel bad that I want to stab this guy in the face?". I didn't ask her about these ones.

My wife promises me that she would tell me if he sent her anymore love messages. And that she will tell him to keep their conversations friendly.

The next day I work and she's off. She texts me all that day. During that day she asks me if I would mind if she deleted her texts, say it's fine. She say she'll keep the ones between her and Mike from the day before in case I want to see them again. I also ask her if Mike had sent her any more love messages, she say no and I believe her. Later on she says that she's getting gas and going to eat in Murray (Only 12 Miles away now since we had moved.) with Emma until Emma has to go in to work. She claims that Emma has to go in at 7pm to work (At a business open until 12). I find this weird, but still believe her. The Next couple hours from 7-8:30 or so her text start to get erratic. She doesn't respond for long periods of time 30-45 minutes each time. She claims that she was talking to Emma so she didn't get my text at 7. But they were eating out, Emma would have to leave there earlier to get to work at 7 (Her work is 2 miles or so away from where they were eating.). She says that had to stop to go to the bathroom at walmart on the way home. She says that after she's done she's going home. She asks if another friend (We'll call he Andrea.) could come over (At 7:20), I say it's fine. I text her saying it's fine (Around 7:30), she doesn't answer back. I assume she's driving. I text her around 8:10. She says that she was at home now and watching tv. She says that andrea couldn't come over, maybe Wednesday though. I call her at 8:30 she says she's in her car on her way to her moms. I find it odd that she's leaving so soon after she's just gotten home. I can't hear her car either, but she does have a rather quiet car. I say that it's kind of weird how there were gaps between her texting me and how Emma went to work at 7. She gets all mad saying I will never trust her again. She says that she's at her mom's. I ask her to get out of her car so I can hear her mother's dogs bark (I had trouble believing her at this point.). She won't do it, because she says that would mean that I don't trust her at all. I agree so I drop it. I go over there an hour or so later and she's there. This was on Monday (9/10).

Tuesday goes by fine. Wednesday we go to (finally) change her last name. I take her out to eat and to shop afterwards. She seems fine until we get home. She says that it feels so different having a different last name, and that it makes her feel like a different person. I ask if it has to do with Mike and she gets upset because I brought it up again. She says that she's unhappy for multiple reasons. She says she feels like she got married too fast (She's only 20 now, I'm 22), she doesn't like the responsibilities of bills, and she feels like she can't hang out with her friends as much as she could before she worked. She says she needs to think. So I go to my parents for awhile and after an hour or so she asks me to come back. She says "Let's just not talk about it." and embraces me. I promise to drop the Mike thing, even though I'm still a little suspicious in my mind.

Thursday goes fine. So does yesterday. Today has gone great so far. Things still feel different though. I'm trying so hard to 100% trust her and I haven't brought up the past one bit. She seems a little less loving.

I spoke to my mother about it yesterday (She's the only real life person I can really talk to besides my wife, I asked her to keep everything I told her secret.). She says my wife is probably still different because she still feels residual guilt from hiding stuff from me. My mom doesn't think she's cheating, she thinks that my wife just likes to get compliments from other guys. My om also says I may need to hang out with other people (friends/family) to give my wife some space so she doesn't feel trapped.

I'm not sure what to do. It's still a little hard to trust her.

 
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Old 09-15-2012, 01:40 PM   #2
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: McLean VA
Posts: 121
Leegh HB UserLeegh HB UserLeegh HB UserLeegh HB User
Re: Not sure what to do

Probably what your "gut instinct" tells you is correct. If things such as you described become a pattern, it could be cause for alarm. In other words, I don't think you would want to be married to someone who was doing this day in and day out for years. Hopefully this is just a phase. I think its harder nowadays in many ways being married with so many different ways to communicate with other people; email, texting, Facebook, as it leaves the possibility that things that are innocent can be misconstrued.

 
Old 09-16-2012, 02:25 AM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: new jersey
Posts: 9
potterguy HB User
Re: Not sure what to do

Im having a similar situation my cf was doing the same thing with someone but it ended up adding through everything that you and your wife went through got over that and now we are having problems with something else i posted it as girlfriend trouble its a couple posts above urs not as neatly written but in on my phone and im an emotional wreck maybe you could give me some advice and as for you and your wife i don't think she is cheating on you but i would watch her without saying anything and if she does something like this again i would not stay with her after that because even if she is just a flirt and nothing more she should have enough respect for you to not flirt around like that any more and if she does then she doesn't value her relationship with my gf i told her it doesn't bother Me if she is a flirt but if she wants to do that then she has the responsibility to keep it in control and respect boundaries and if any guy crosses the boundaries then she is supposed to correct him and tell me hope this helps

 
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