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Old 09-17-2012, 06:16 PM   #1
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Cool happily married and secretly attracted to another

Thank you for all your wonderful advice and concern

Last edited by dia62; 09-18-2012 at 07:16 PM.

 
Old 09-18-2012, 08:37 AM   #2
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

I can be "that guy" who can see many situations in a variety of ways. I could probably argue both sides of any disagreement. So, with that being said, I've seen and heard of many innocent on-line or work/just friend deals turn into much more. Therefore, you'd be wise to keep close tabs on your husband's comings and goings. But on the other hand, sometimes younger friends (yes, of the opposite sex) can make a person feel younger and perk one up a bit. It does happen. He may even harbor sexual feelings (feelings is probably too "real" a word for it, fantasy maybe?) for her in his mind (guys do this all the time, don't worry). It honestly may have even helped your sex life and that's good after 25 years. The bottomline is that he probably enjoys the energy she puts off and more than likely nothing will ever progress from where it is but you should still keep an eye on things just to be sure.

Wow, that was a mouthful but I hope it helps you (even just a little). Good Luck!

 
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Old 09-18-2012, 10:56 AM   #3
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Question Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

Hi Whoopee , tks for a man's perspective. You gave good advice.
I guess I will just have to accept and hope that it's just a passing attraction
and he won't act on it. He claims he is not attracted to her but by adding her to his FB behind my back after my first row with him over adding her... Doesn't that sound wrong ?

 
Old 09-18-2012, 11:23 AM   #4
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

Dia, that is wrong but it may be fairly innocent (maybe not???) but just keep an eye on things and I suspect things will be OK down the road.

 
Old 09-18-2012, 04:34 PM   #5
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

I'm hoping that your premonition is right. There are moments when I want to walk out of this relationship as I find cat n mouse to be demeaning and tiring.
I'm an attractive mature woman n have propositions frm younger man yet I've stayed faithful ... Why is it not for men? If the attraction was not just on my husband's part but the girl as well , would it mean an affair ?

 
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Old 09-18-2012, 05:55 PM   #6
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

I hate it that you are going through this!

Knowing all too well the risk that is being taken, I would not tolerate him adding her back on as 'friend' or helping her in any manner unless she is his daughter, and that is exactly what I would ask him.

For a husband (or a wife) to spend money, time, and energy on an unrelated woman is not OK in marriage. He is not single, by the way, and he is acting like he is free to do whatever he pleases.

We all age, have issues and feel attractions. I have felt powerful attraction at times and so has my husband. We have already been there done that and experienced the devastation and destruction that playing with 'attraction' and opposite sex relationships brings. We choose to turn around and walk the other way. Your husband has not chosen to walk away and instead drew a line, so you have a serious decision to make: pretend that relationship is 'nothing', or take a stand.

It looks like you either already lost, or that he needs to now see that he is the one that stands to lose. Only you can give that message.

Last edited by jillian4; 09-18-2012 at 05:57 PM.

 
Old 09-18-2012, 06:12 PM   #7
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

Shame on you.

 
Old 09-18-2012, 06:35 PM   #8
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

Thank you holy moly. Appreciate your advice. He has deleted her yet again seeing how upset I was. He thought I wldn't react so strongly as he said it was only FB not like he was outright cheating- so not the same! Is that it? An I over reacting???

 
Old 09-18-2012, 07:32 PM   #9
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

No it's not an over-reaction, IMO.
You are standing by your inner convictions.

You are the only you in this relationship and neither partner has a right to make choices that are uncomfortable for the other.
I hope he means what he said, and will stick by it.

 
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Old 09-19-2012, 09:37 AM   #10
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

You know, the fact is he may never actually cheat on you but just likes to walk very close to "the line". I've known people like that and they'd never ever ever do anything physical with anyone but their mate but they did like to take a looksie etc. every now and then. It's one of those wf* things some humans do, I suppose. Like I've said before, keep one eye on things to be sure, express yourself and your disappointment (like you've done, yeah!) and keep communication to the max. I honestly think things will turn out alright and I really hope, for you they do. I hate to reveal this but I'm also an eternal optimist. I can't help myself. Good Luck!!!

 
Old 09-19-2012, 07:41 PM   #11
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whoopee View Post
You know, the fact is he may never actually cheat on you but just likes to walk very close to "the line". I've known people like that and they'd never ever ever do anything physical with anyone but their mate but they did like to take a looksie etc. every now and then. It's one of those wf* things some humans do, I suppose. Like I've said before, keep one eye on things to be sure, express yourself and your disappointment (like you've done, yeah!) and keep communication to the max. I honestly think things will turn out alright and I really hope, for you they do. I hate to reveal this but I'm also an eternal optimist. I can't help myself. Good Luck!!!
Thank u Whoopee once again. It's nice to know fm a male perspective too..many things u said fits to a T like going close but not crossing that line! U being a guy does guy feel its acceptable as long as u dnt go all the way it's not considered cheating? Many guys i know feel that way...

 
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:54 PM   #12
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Re: happily married and secretly attracted to another

dia62,

That's his wishful thinking. what does it matter if some men or even if most males think like that?

I can tell you for a fact that my man doesn't do anything he doesn't want me to also be doing. He admits seeing attractive women and feels an attraction as that is being a normal male, but he makes sure to never spend time alone with any, not even on the internet or phone except to do business and hang up. He keeps his actions an open book. Mostly because that is his own value system, but also because he cares whether he might hurt or lose me. Most of the men I know hold to the same values.

What matters to you is what matters to YOU. Is hanging on while your man crosses YOUR line OK with you?

Having a look is not the same as what your man is doing. If all he did was admire some woman's looks would you be posting here?

Please do not let anyone else's personal values distract or confuse you. I'd guess that a lot of guys want freedom to do whatever they feel like doing. Do YOU call that commitment?

To YOU is partial commitment to be faithful a real commitment?

Last edited by jillian4; 10-10-2012 at 01:13 PM.

 
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