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Old 09-19-2012, 09:44 AM   #1
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Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

Hello all. My first time posting on these boards. i am 33 years of age. I have been married for 10 years and have 3 children with my wife. Lately i feel very scared that my marriage is falling apart. I am not sure if i am overreacting to the situation. We have always had a good marriage not many issues. I have recently found my wife has formed an online relationship with a married man from virginia. I discovered they had been talking for 4 months everyday on the phone soon as i left to work and also texting when i was asleep or at home busy with the kids.. I found some very hurtful pictures she sent to him of herself naked. In these messages they said they loved each other. My wife expressed how boring and unhappy she was in our marriage. I only found out because she left her phone out and an instant email came and i opened it and sure enough it was the a reply to the pic she sent him. From then on i was went thru phone records and emails without her knowing to see how bad it was. I confronted her about it. She was not happy that i went thru her stuff. She agreed to stop talking to him and also admitted she was not in love wth me the way she use to be. She said she loved me but wasnt crazy in love with me. She said she only played around with this man online and that it was not serious at all. I felt so depressed and desperate to keep my marriage together. I was willing to forgive as long as she stopped. 2 months i woke up in the middle of the night and found her talking to this man on her secret pay as you go phone. I could not understand why she could not let go of this man if it was not serious. I threaten to leave if she didnt stop. She said for me to go then. But i didnt. I think she knew i wouldnt leave because she knows i love her and my family so much. She threw the phone away and said she was done with him. I put a app in her phone to keep track of textmessages. i feel awful for doing it. But 1 month later i found some messaging i love u and miss u type of messages. And then September 2 i found her again emailing him. With more messages of i love u and miss u.. This time i was going to leave but she told me not to that she loved me and didnt want our family to break up. She said she would stop for good and that lets give it 1 more channce. She said i am doing this to myself . That is only a friend online. She is a good woman but lately i feel like i dont know her and i cannot trust her. I feel like she is still talking to him behind my back. I want this marraige to work. My kids woulod be devestated. She always tells me i cant leave cause my kids would be so hurt by it. I think she is only with me cause of the kids and cause she relies on me financially. She is in nursing school and plans to graduate to become a registered nurse next summre. I feel she is delaying leaving me till then. We tried counseling but it didnt work . She would not talk much . She said she is not cheating. But i feel like she has cheated on me emotionally. I am a good man . I like to think i am a good catch. I am a true family man. Maybe i need to get out and hang out with friends or something. i am always home with my wife and kids.

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Old 09-19-2012, 09:50 AM   #2
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

I dont know where you get that she is a good women. She continually disrespects you. I dont really know what to say in this one. It might be time to break it off or try something drastic like therapy with her or something.

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Old 09-19-2012, 09:56 AM   #3
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

I agree with the previous poster, she is not a good woman. She is behaving in a totally unacceptable manner. She appears to have no respect for you or your marriage. I would insist on therapy or end this relationship, saying you cannot leave because of the children while still behaving this way is out of order. You deserve better.
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Old 09-19-2012, 10:04 AM   #4
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

By good i mean= She always takes care of me and my children, house is clean laundry, dinner and she has always worked part time to help. like i said if i hadnt recieved that emial on her phone i would of never known we had a problem. She has always been so affectionate with me and happy. I guess i always thought i was the lucky one my wife had my back and would never do that type of thing to me. Only my friends wifes were like that. Very confused. We tried counseling and she was very closed off. Told the counsler she loved me and that this man meant nothing to her. But then she keeps doing it behind my back. That is what im trying to figure out. Is her sending this guy messages and chatting on the phone behind my back worthy of a speration? She says its not and that i am making it bigger than it is.

 
Old 09-19-2012, 10:55 AM   #5
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

How much bigger could it get?? She is telling another man she loves him. I believe you when you say she is only with you for as long as she needs your financial support. I bet then that she would find that thekids would manage quite nicely without you, thanks very much. This is not a good woman. I would not advise you to leave; you will lose too much. Stop paying her way as long as she is involved with the other guy. She is playing you for a chump and keeping you on the leash until she can afford to leave. Sera

 
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Old 09-19-2012, 11:27 AM   #6
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

hi, so sorry this is happening to you. As I read it it brought back some memories for me but I don't want to go into that much detail on here. Let me tell you she has left you mentally. He is married? so he's probably not going to leave his wife for her. But, what I'm trying to say, she's looking for more.

I think what you said about school and graduating next summer, she doesn't want to break up before then due to the $. Even if you do decide to split, it probably isn't a financially good decision to make right now either. You probably want her graduated and working before that happens. You can separate and live in the same house. I know it sounds weird.

I'm not wording this very well but I think you get my drift. (I'm not feeling well today sorry). Separate, stay in the same house until she graduates and has a decent job, works out financially for both of you, less you'll have to pay her in alimony and stuff, see? If you do it now, you go to court, those $ amounts will be set and you'll have to go back again after she gets a job just costs you more in court costs and lawyers.

I know I've laid a lot out there but it should make you think about what you really want to do. Her mind is wandering and not completely with you. She's lying to you. More than once. You're loading software on her phone? this is crazy. Yall both need to move on eventually. Just do it so it doesn't cost as much! (unless you're loaded or something! ha!)

Cathy

 
Old 09-19-2012, 11:52 AM   #7
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

yes i understand what u mean. It's hard cause i think u nailed it. She has checked out mentally. But the hard thing is i have not checked out lol . But i know i need to stand up for myself. Would i tell her that i want to seperate but live together or do just start to check out mentally until it is time.

 
Old 09-19-2012, 01:04 PM   #8
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

that's a good question. I think you have some time to think about it though. I also think as time goes by your feelings are going to change somewhat and will answer your own question.

One other thing though I was thinking of she would have to agree to that sort of living arrangement. Hopefully she would see the cost effectiveness of it.

Whatever you decide to do I'd definitely talk to the kids (together). They come first of course.

Cathy

 
Old 09-19-2012, 03:03 PM   #9
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

WOW! First I want to say.. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. There's nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you think you can trust. Putting myself in your place makes me sick to my stomach, just at the thought. My husband is not only my life partner, but my best friend. The situation you're in is not as simple as it seems from the outside. It's not a cut and dry.. leave her. This is very personal and effects not only yourself but your family. Whatever decision you come to, you need to make that decision based on what's going to make you and your children happy. On that note, I would also like to point out.. staying in a relationship for the kids, is not a good reason. Children brought up in a house where the parents don't love each other is by far worse than the two of you going your separate ways and showing them a loving relationship with whomever you end up with. I will point out the highlights of your problem, and how I feel about them..

1) She's missing something from your relationship that she feels she's getting from this other relationship. It could be as simple as.. a "new" relationship feeling. If that's the case, then you two need to work on your relationship. I'm a true believer that you should never stop dating your spouse. Or maybe you're away too much and she feels lonely. I don't know what she's thinking. And I'm certainly not saying this is an acceptable excuse for her behavior. Whatever the reason is.. it needs to be addressed first if you really want to stay with her. If you're not sure.. then read on...

2) You're feeling betrayed, and rightfully so. The problem I see here is that she's trying to down play her actions. She's lost your trust because of her actions and she continues to lie about it. She claims he's just a friend, but she's sending nude photos, telling him she loves and misses him. She even went so far as to get a secret phone! This is way more than just a friend. She clearly can't break it off with him as she has told you over and over that she will, but never does.

3) She really doesn't think she's cheating or she thinks you're a fool and will believe her. She may not be physically cheating.. but she is emotionally and as physically as she can considering their distance (naked photos). To me, this is just as bad!!

4)Sounds to me like you've turned into a different person. Searching through her emails, text messages and so forth. This is because you don't trust her. You need to ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

5) You've tried counseling, but she really doesn't care enough to put forth any real effort to fix it.

6) She's trying to make you feel bad if you leave. But the truth is, she has one foot out the door. She needs you to continue supporting her financially until she can make it on her own.

7) She's telling you the kids will be devastated if you leave. But reality is, she left when she started up this relationship. The kids aren't aware of this relationship, so to the outside world and the kids, it will look like you left. Then again, I don't know why she thinks she gets the house and kids. The way I see it, she can move out.

8) You deserve to be respected and loved wholly by your wife. You're not getting that from this relationship. I really think you need to focus on you and the kids. Get your plans in order and forget her.

I wish you the best in whatever comes of this! I left my first husband and took our two kids with me. It was hard.. but I am SO much happier now and so are they!!

 
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Old 09-19-2012, 03:40 PM   #10
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

Thank you so much for the advice. This has honestly been the first time in my life i have had to deal with something this painful. The only person i could really talk to is my mother and i do not want to worry her so i just have been keeping this inside. I created an account a few months back for this board but was to embarrass to post anything. Im glad i decided to post my feelings. I honestly believe she thinks she is not cheating. I tried to let her out of this relationship by telling her if she doesnt love me we can still be friends and end things on a postitive note for the kids.Telling her i could help her financially until she graduates from school . And that i want the best for her if she is not happy with me id rather her be happy with someone else. But she does not bite on the bait I leave. She instead says how much she wants this marriage to work, and that she loves me but lost that spark for me.That she is sorry and that she will really stop this time. Ive known my wife since i was 15 years old . Sometimes i just can't believe i am actually going through this myself. If my family and friends new they would be shocked.

 
Old 09-20-2012, 04:56 AM   #11
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

Have you tried having her put herself in your position? You believe that she honestly doesn't feel that she's cheating. So if the tables were turned and you were sending photos, getting a secret phone and telling another woman that you loved her, would she still feel that those actions weren't cheating? If you haven't already, I think you need to have her look at the situation through your eyes. Sit down with her,calmly and talk to her. Have her really think about how she would feel if she found out you were doing these things behind her back. Maybe that will open her eyes. Make sure you express to her how hurt and betrayed you feel.

 
Old 09-20-2012, 08:12 AM   #12
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

Thank you all for your support. Last night she contacted that man again. When i expressed my frustration with the situation she became very defensive. She told me that she thinks we should go our own way. She is not in love with me no more. She says it has nothing to do with the man he is just an online friend. She wants to know if im willing to live with her and be civil until her school is finish next summer. In exchange she will not go to court and will settle reasonable for childsupport when we make the split. I am feeling really devestated right now. Even though we had these problems in the back of my mind i always hoped we could resolve them . But her telling me she cannot ignore these feelings that our love is gone is a arrorw thru the heart. I feel like my world is ending. Is this a normal feeling? I feel so messed up in my head right now. How could my high school sweatheart fall out of love with me? What could i of down different? I am at work and she is at home. I am not sure how to handle this situation. I cannot afford to pay for our place we live now and a new place for myself also a 2nd on a house we rent out. Is it even healthy for me to stay in a place knowing my wife doesnt love me and we are broken up.

 
Old 09-20-2012, 11:49 AM   #13
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Re: Need advice. Married 10 years. Wife has been lying to me.

Your feelings are completely normal! Please don't stress yourself out anymore trying to figure out what you could have done differently. Chances are.. nothing! You mentioned she was your high school sweetheart. This in itself could be part of her problem. She has grown and maybe feels as if she's missing out on things. The truth is, everyone changes. Sometimes we change together, sometimes we grow apart. Sounds to me like you were both young when your relationship started. So chances are that neither of you had any other real experiences before each other. Even if you had some.. they were teen experiences. At this point, you need to move on. Do what you need to do, in order to have the life you deserve. If you agreed to stay until next summer and you're comfortable with that, then use this time to save every dime you can. If you're unable to stay, then perhaps you can move in with family, until you're able to afford a place. Bottom line, she's going to have to get a job.. a REAL job. I understand she's in school. But she can't have it all her way. Life's tough. So what, she will need to go to school and work at the same time for the next 9 months or so. Thousands of people do this every day. It's not going to be easy on her, but she will manage. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Expecting you to support her financially knowing she wants out is a selfish move on her part. You do NOT owe her this. Your focus should be on you and your children. I think if you stay in the house, it's going to be harder on you. Her actions with other men are only going to increase. This time.. in your face! If you really can't move out and you have no choice, then you will have to stay. Just know.. in the end.. you will be alright! If you sit back and really analyze your relationship and your feelings, you will probably come to the conclusion that... you love her, but your relationship is probably a relationship of "habit." You're comfortable, but are you in love with her? Remember.. loving someone and being IN love with them, are two different things.

 
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